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Your “I Know Whom To Kill; I Don’t Need The Other Options” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL News:

  • Well, this rates about a 6 on the interesting scale: the Patriots brought in Lamar Jackson for a visit &  interview.
    • No details about what was discussed, just various media reminders that Tom Brady is almost 41.
  • Aaron Rodgers owns a piece of the Milwaukee Bucks.
    • No word on how much, but one can assume that it’s a ceremonial 1%, like Gloria Estefan & the Dolphins.
      • In fact, the Dolphins are the most celebrity-purchased team, with Jimmy Buffett, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, Gloria Estefan, Fergie, and Venus and Serena Williams listed as co-owners.
        • Despite Stephen Ross still owning 95% of the team.
    •   
    • Fan sentiment, as usual, has a particular take on the issue.

  • Horse pictured…right?

    Sad news on the GAMBLOR front – Kentucky Derby challenger “Gronkowski” may not make the Derby due to injury.

    • Gronkowski qualified for the Derby by earning the most points on the European Road to the Kentucky Derby.
      • Starting this/last year, the Derby began awarding an automatic berth in the race to the horse with the most points achieved after a series of races in Europe.
        • Probably to broaden appeal for the race beyond North America.
    • Due to the notoriety, human Gronk purchased a minority share in the steed last week.
    • An unnamed injury is said to be the culprit.
      • I’d wager that it was improper ab strengthening that led to his downfall.
It’s brought down weaker men.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Bruins at Leafs – 7:00PM | NBCSN / CBC (Game 6; Bruins lead 3-2)
    • Capitals at Blue Jackets – 7:30PM | CNBC / Sportsnet (Game 6; Caps lead 3-2)
  • NBA:
    • Rockets at Timberwolves – 7:00PM | TNT / TSN (Game 4; Rockets lead 2-1)
    • Thunder at Jazz – 9:30PM | TNT / TSN (Game 4; Jazz lead 2-1)
  • MLB:
    • Twins at Yankees – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA

It’s three days until the Draft. Expect rumours & media clips to ramp up as everyone heads to Jerryworld for the whole shebang. Me – I’ve got my plan all mapped out.

GONNA BE SEXY THURSDAY!

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Spanky Datass

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Horse pictured … right?
Correct. And horse’s ass pictured left.

6
Senor Weaselo

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Horatio Cornblower

He is burning some serious bridges up here in New England.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

In the next two weeks, if WCS and I say some horrid shit to one another, just go with it folks.

(also, it’s all his fault)

4
Gratliff

Will absolutely be going with it

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll still love him. Just not for the next two weeks.

0
Senor Weaselo

I will be keeping score of who has the sickest burn. Or at least the most horrid shit if they’re not burns as much as tosses of rancid monkey feces over each other’s fences.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

He will. Two straight cups will do that for you.

1
WCS

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Cindy Crosby can suck it.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I hope he didn’t pull a muscle lifting it.

0
Mr. Ayo

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Horatio Cornblower

Sidney Crosby is the best hockey player I’ve seen since Greg Louganis.

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Senor Weaselo

What about Brian Boitano?

0
Redshirt

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Full Disclosure…Pens are probably my second favorite team, as are the Steelers in football, and the Pirates in baseball.

But Pittsburgh has just fucked over my favorite teams so often, it’s time for that that shit to end dammit.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

I do love an empty netter.

And of course now they’ll put the goalie back in.

1
Wakezilla

I love how the Canadians are rooting for the Ice P*triots while the Yanks incorrectly root for the Ice Argos

1
litre_cola

I just wanted a game 7 in 1 series. I hope Bahstan wins tho so you are correct.

1
Gratliff

Time to add all the male porn stars to the endangered species list

2
Gratliff

“We’ve had many people who are really despondent come out of the shadows and get worked up,” Cetrulo said.

The horny disabled vets have logged on

5
theeWeeBabySeamus

horny disabled vets

STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!!!!!!

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Unsurprised

Why do vets get special treatment? They’ve at least fucked before. I’m sitting here like a schnook.

1
Fronkenshteen

https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/23/politics/ronny-jackson-veterans-affairs-nomination/index.html

It took five writers to say nothing at all.

Here’s the kicker: “I’m not sure anyone can run the VA,” Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn told reporters Monday. “It’s so big, it’s one of the biggest bureaucracies in the federal government.”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He’s done. If he was qualified, he might survive whatever this is. But he’s not, so he won’t.

1
Horatio Cornblower

“excessive” drinking on the job.

Someone please tell me where I can get a job these days where they’re cool with moderate drinking on the job.

3
Unsurprised

It’s still dwarfed by homeland security and defense. However, I’d be all for breaking them up or eliminating much or all of those two if we are really going to start handwringing over bureaucracy. The DOD has just “lost” a trillion and a half dollars since the Iraq war began, ffs.

Cornyn is a giant piece of shit and I cannot wait until he dies having a stroke over some fake slight he imagines a black person committed.

0
Redshirt

The Reds are winning? The Reds are winning!

YE—OW! Cramp. Cramp. Ow.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m no Leafs fan, but it really is gonna be fun to watch the Bruins choke this series away.

4
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

So I’ve been putting a lot more effort into this whole “Online Dating” thing recently, and it is absolutely exhausting. I’ve gone on a few dates, with none really standing out so far and had a hookup, which was surprisingly just okay. But for the love of BOLTMAN, every single girls profile reads exactly like this:

I like dogs more than people, [Wine emoji] country music and “adventuring!”

Listen, unless you have an alcoholic, mad scientist Grandpa with access to inter-dimensional travel, you’re not “adventuring” by going for a fucking walk.

What? Yes, I know I’m surpringly bitter and angry for a 29 year old. Why do you think I I post here?

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litre_cola

For our looks?

5
theeWeeBabySeamus

Listen, unless you have an alcoholic, mad scientist Grandpa with access to inter-dimensional travel, you’re not “adventuring” by going for a fucking walk.

Go on…..

4
Horatio Cornblower

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Gratliff

All the normie profiles on all social and dating sites have just sort of melded into one giant image in my mind of a jar of mayonnaise listening to Beyonce

4
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think the answer is obvious: join a furry dating site

6
ballsofsteelandfury

I remember when every girl’s profile said something about the book Eat Pray Love.

Good times, good times. Not.

I recommend becoming ruthless in your dates and calling them out on their bullshit. This is akin to @tWBS engaging telemarketers. I mean, if they’re going to waste your time, you might as well have fun with it.

Also, I recommend speed dating. Much more time-efficient.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Or almost getting run over by hot Asian chicks at the beach.
/fingers crossed

1
Senor Weaselo

Maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t tried online dating yet in that case.

0
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

In New York, I’m positive you won’t have nearly the high density of basic White girls.

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Senor Weaselo

Yes, but I’m very close to Long Island.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Every single girl I’ve met from Long Island, with exactly one exception, is a goddamn nightmare.

3
Wakezilla

Honestly, you’re in a golden age of dating. No twilight, no eat pray Love, no sex and the city, no 50 shades of grey. No “proud bitch” memes. None of that shit. It’s not so bad.

You’ll be fine

2
Horatio Cornblower

I’ll get my wife on it. She’ll find you someone nice.*

*morally questionable

5
Unsurprised

It gets worse. Imagine these women ten years older with no future or walking baggage of past mistakes following them around.

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WCS

FACK YOUAH BAWSTAHN

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Looks like moar vodka is required.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m gassy

2
WCS

One of the rejected Seven Dwarfs?

4
ballsofsteelandfury

The DFO 7 Dwarves:

Stinky
Sleazy
Gassy
Stoney
Burpy
Greasy
Balls

6
WCS

You forgot Gambly.

5
Unsurprised

Just because he’s Mexican doesn’t make balls a dwarf.

1
Wakezilla

John Tortorella is a shit coach and the Ice Buckeyes aren’t going anywhere with him as a coach. What a waste of a season. Also, fuck Panarin and Dubois for shitting the bed this series

0
Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

See? This is why I won’t go on a cruise.

Well, that and the food poisoning.

2
Unsurprised

And the unaccountable rapes and murders. At least let me get in on that shit, but I’m not getting thrown overboard by some psychotic third world we seaman.

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Brick Meathook

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1
Gratliff

And now his tribute to all other Philadelphia goalies

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO…that was funny.

That goal was not his fault IMHO tho.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Short handed, bitches!!!!!

0
Mr. Ayo

#CapsYear

0
Gratliff

We mangled Malkin, but it’s probably not going to be enough for Caps to win

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dude, can we have one conversation that isn’t about Trump?

3
Gratliff

Sergei Bobrovsky with a tribute to his time in Philadelphia

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litre_cola

That goal is massive.

Evenin gents, fuck Gary Bettman.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I’m not nearly drunk enough yet to watch the Caps piss this away.
Garcon!!!! More Vodka!!!!!!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yay Vodka!!!!! It fucking worked!!!!!

1
Horatio Cornblower

Ok, off to walk the dog. And see if I can make the cat stop doing wind sprints up and down the road.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Got our cat back from the vets today after sending him in to get two teeth pulled. Turned out he didn’t need them pulled, but they didn’t find that out until they knocked him out and took x-rays. Still charged me for cleaning his teeth, which I would never, ever, have sent the cat in for. I was about to start a very loud discussion when I noticed the flickering candle that they light when someone is in having a pet put down, so I just shut the fuck up.

Anyhoo, they told me to keep the cat quiet for a day or two. Motherfucker has been bouncing off walls and is now on his second trip outside after yowling and banging on the back door like the house was on fire.

I’m not sure what anesthesia they gave him, but the next time I need to stay up for 48 straight hours I’m going to ask for it.

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

I understand your choice not to make noise in that situation. And respect it.

But as a vet who has watched other vets fuck people over that way….

If they performed and charged you for a teeth cleaning you didn’t approve and/or they didn’t tell you about ahead of time, without getting your signature on the consent form for it?

Threaten to sue them for it, counselor. No shit.

Fuck those guys.

4
theeWeeBabySeamus

Anesthesia is probably a dissociative…Ketamine or similar. Usually clears within 4-6 hours.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

He’ll probably sleep his ass off tomorrow if it’s consolation.

1
Horatio Cornblower

How will I tell the difference between every other day?

3
Horatio Cornblower

Long story, but we had signed off because we were told he needed one thing, turns out he didn’t, then they did everything else, which I never would have sent him in for. Also it’s a new vet and he bought his house through my wife, so I know where he lives and I’m just going to burn his garage down and call it even.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Can I help?

Seriously that stuff bugs me. When I first relocated to AZ I (very briefly) worked for a vet whose policy was to pull that stuff. When I told him I wouldn’t do that, he threatened to fire me. I told him no need, and walked out.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just give the cat some beer

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehehe.

(also, please don’t do this)

2
Horatio Cornblower

I would, but the fucker won’t hold still long enough.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Boom.

0
Mr. Ayo

Caps are unstoppable with a 2 goal lead

2
Senor Weaselo

Oh good, the inevitable Masahiro Tanaka “it all goes to shit.” Wait, never mind, he got out of it. For this inning.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Yanks fans always crack me up.
“Nothing ever goes our way!!!!!”

Two words…

Twenty. Seven.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Oh Christ, other than Red Sox fans we are the absolute worst. “How are we not on pace to win 150 games? Fire everyone and burn down the stadium!!”

Every. Fucking. Year.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Oh, so that’s why the Yankees traded for Stanton!

0
Spur

Makes me happy seeing DRose ball out like this

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Backstrom became Kuznetsov so gradually….
Ah fuck it…they’re both stupid.

0
Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

Didi Mao! DIDI MAO!!!!

5
Unsurprised

If I ever get CBD oil again, I’m going straight to the max strength one because I kept upping my doses and it never seemed to do much.

0
Spur

My boss just told me the worst news. I’m being transferred back the Ops team that i LOVE in two months. No more side projects and no more subordinates. Now I have wait two months working with outside sales team i fucking hate. Knowing am so close to ending my nightmare is going to break me.

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

Nah. You can do anything for two months to get to where you want to be.
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ballsofsteelandfury

– Jenna Jameson

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re not helping.
Not that I thought you would, Charlie.
And if you call me Allan, I’m flying to California tonight and murdering you.
😛

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Haha again, Leafs.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Intermission weed?
INTERMISSION WEED!!!!

0
WCS

Ever watch hawkey…

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1
Spur

my mom has been dropping hints all month about going to the dispensary. We made a clandestine trip yesterday. She almost backed out when they asked for her ID. She got some patches and tincture.

1
Unsurprised

Giddy-up, Gronk!

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Spur

Folks

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where?

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Haha Leafs. But still, fuck Boston.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m fucking exhausted.

0
Senor Weaselo

I think that means you’re doing it right?

5
theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I want to see Tortorella’s head explode. Is that so wrong?

0
Senor Weaselo

I’m surprised it hasn’t already.

1
Unsurprised

Aaron Rodgers loves his bucks.

Come on, man. He’s making this shit too easy.

1
Wakezilla

I swear, I’m going to be pissed if the Ice Redacteds win tonight.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

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Wakezilla

I heard nine Torontonians died on the road today. That’s odd, I thought the Raptors game was last night.

5
herodotus450

This blue Bozak is getting mad

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Leafs/Bruins kinda boring, btw.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

This hotel has CNBC in the room (I was worried) and two TVs too. Double hockey!!!!

Plus I got greasy Pizza and French Fries. Even just dropped one of the fries then ate it off the floor. It might be windy and rainy out (always is when I go to the beach these days…meh), but dammit I may never have been this happy.

Some booze and weed as the night progresses (already started the booze, truth be told) and I might just cum spontaneously. And if not, I’ll work on it later.

LET’S HOCKEY!!!!!!

6
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

In that case, I wouldn’t recommend eating anything off the floor later…

4
WCS

He’s eaten a lot worse off much grosser surfaces.

5
theeWeeBabySeamus

YOU CAN’T PROVE THAT!!!!!!!

2
Senor Weaselo

Not even floor pie?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WsDtn-feuI

1
Senor Weaselo

CNBC isn’t the Golf Channel in terms of their hockey coverage…

2
Brick Meathook

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herodotus450

[Hears Doc Emrick use ‘wand’ as a verb]
Urge to kill, rising.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Welllllll….

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The Padres worst starting pitcher is playing in Colorado tonight. I’m looking forward to this one having a football score of 14-0 by the 2nd inning.

1
herodotus450

Are the Padres tne new expansion team?

0
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Yeah, back in ’69.

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4
Wakezilla

I finally got the call from scam artists that my computer isn’t working. Fucking with them is my new favorite hobby.

2
Senor Weaselo

I got a call from the “Chinese Consulate” that I had a package to pick up! I was in the shower so I couldn’t fuck with them.

2
WCS

Call them back and demand to know where your pepper steak and crab rangoon is.

4
Senor Weaselo

That reply should have been to you I think. Hey, maybe that‘s what triggered the gallbladder!
/Probably not

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Haven’t gotten that one yet. Can’t wait.

0
Senor Weaselo

It’s all the White Rabbit candy, now with extra melamine!

0
Wakezilla

I’ve been to that place! Unless you’re a sub, they pick and clean your package for you.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

See? I’ve been trying to tell folks how fun that is.
Dok Zymm thinks Imma get murdered messing with them tho.
Meh.

1
Unsurprised

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Don T

All the solemn retrospectives in the world can’t deny Bergman got his chops in The Muppet Show.

0
herodotus450

Is this the end for Bozak?

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