Tuesday Champions League Semifinal Vuelta Open Thread

Real Madrid – Bayern Munich (2-1)

Balls: After last week’s road win, Real are sitting pretty with the tips of their penises firmly wedged in the butthole of the Champions League Final.

HOWEVAH, Bayern will have something to say about that. Last year,  these two teams met and Real also won 1-2 in Munich.  Bayern won the return match 2-1 in Madrid to take the tie to penalties,  where they lost.

Predicción: 

This time,  Bayern goes through.

 

Litre_Cola: Bleergh whom I worship loves to mess with me.  The Iggles won the Superb Owl and now I can’t have nice things for awhile. Real is going to go through and it will be in an agonizing way. If the cruel temptress has her way it will be Marcelo getting hauled down in the box and Ronaldo banging in a no doubter. I watched the 1st leg and they Germans weren’t themselves. They were not attacking and taking over space, their game was very reminiscent of the French in World War II. They sort of sat back and took the pressure and Real was far too aggressive any time that they didn’t have the ball.

Bayern needs Lewandoski to show up as he hasn’t scored in 4 games in Europe and Real Madrid has beaten them 6 times in a row. That is stunning. 3 years of beatings. No Boateng and no Robben for Munchen that spells trouble. How old is Arjen Robben??? He looks like he is 55, he has been playing forever yet he is still at a top team in the World and hasn’t had to go play in China, Turkey, UAE or MLS  in his old age. Do you know what else is impressive about Robben?

Prediction: Real Madrid loses the game 2-1 and goes through on penalties….again. Or Ronaldo does something insane.

King Hippo: This round has been raw, liquid shit.  I don’t see any reason for this to change today, when we should all be taking to the streets celebrating Solidartity! by slitting a few throats.

Prediction: 1-1 (Real 3-2 on aggregate)

Don T: The first leg was sickening. Bayern couldn’t do shit. Hummels couldn’t connect a fucking pass, Ribéry was an ineffective ball hog, and the whole team looked second rate. And goddammit Robert Lewandowski; Hippo’s “goal shaving” comment was the most reasonable explanation.

Real did not look much better—if not for Marcelo, a favourite in the Coula househould. I like Marcelo: he’s more competitive than dirty, has mad (but not showy) ball skills, and only looks slow. And Marcelo carries himself as an OK guy, often sympathetic while helping up an opponent after kneeing him in the kidney. But I digress…

I’m sick of the team and every one of its obnoxious, front-running fans (my godfather excepted). Its business plan is stack the team with stars, at any cost. Quite understandably, given that Real’s President, Florentino Pérez, is an unabashed capitalist pig.

“Why rig draws when you can buy refs”, reads the caption. Oh what I would give to see the Prez’s reaction to have his white face pasted on that meme, given that “Florentino doesn’t like black players; he’s not racist but he doesn’t like them”. That 🔥HEET🔥 was from the agent to the immortal Real goalkeeper Iker Casillas, after he was dismissed from the team without the slightest regard for tact—much less gratitude. Methinks those grapes ain’t too sour.

Yeah yeah, Real’s the biggest club in the world. Why wouldn’t it spend prodigally when arrivistes like PSG can outbid anyone? A private enterprise’s quest for profit and recognition is beyond moral questioning.

/taps fingers pensively on table

Fuck Real Madrid forever. And have a glorious May Day, compañeros.

Predicción: What Balls said: mirror score from the first leg, Real 1 – 2 Bayern, but Madriz goes through on penalties.

What I Want: A cracking game, PLEASE. Last year’s home-away series between these teams was some of the best fútbol I’ve seen. The game last week… A sloppy AF affair. I’d be happier if Bayern leaves Madriz trophyless this season, but I’m not too concerned. From what I’ve seen, Liverpool can smoke both of these teams in the final.

 

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Litre_Cola: Bleergh whom I worship loves to mess with me. The Iggles won the Superb Owl and now I can’t have nice things for awhile. Real is going to go through and it will be in an agonizing way.

Wow. Just…wow.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s not even 2pm and I have hit the wall at work.

scotchnaut

Does it make you wonder why you got into the Building Demolition Industry in the first place?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I didn’t know you guys were getting paid to be a part of that Central American caravan.

scotchnaut

Bayern didn’t have the balls to make it to the Final. In other words, they were too chicken for Kiev.

King Hippo

There’s a silver lining – the firebombing possibility!

scotchnaut

[ears prick up]

-Offspring of The Baader-Meinhof Gang

King Hippo

I mean, everyone else is playing tune-up matches for the World Cup, why not #TeamChechnya??

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This joke is delicious. I was worried you would cordonbleu the punchline, but that’s because I’m a cheesy ham.

scotchnaut

[wipes saliva from lips]

“Banner This Man!”

-Andy Reid

scotchnaut

Nacho-

Biggest Strength: Versatility

Biggest Weakness: Recycles paper but not plastic

King Hippo

At least the ref didn’t bone Bayern with the clock. Fair play.

King Hippo

It’s like this Navas guy might be good.

King Hippo

I would make an excellent Lesser Footy ref. Slow walk a sub? I add 3 minutes of added time. Bet that stops that practice post haste.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Cat gif!

Footage of the Bayern Munich keeper trying to deal with that back pass… pic.twitter.com/ozKKaz7a9r

— Zlatan Facts (@ZIatanFacts) May 1, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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scotchnaut

Javi Martinez

Biggest Strength: Superior peripheral vision

Biggest Weakness: Rosie O’Donnell’s leather outfit in Exit To Eden

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
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King Hippo

Come On, You Krauts!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This kid has potential.

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King Hippo

Blazers, tho? Somebody call PETA ,, smh

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It just dawned on me that the team’s name could not be more perfectly suited for Portland.

scotchnaut

Keylor Naves-

Biggest Strength: lightning reflexes

Biggest Weakness: Still supports Bill Cosby

King Hippo

Hey, at least I make 3 bills on the draw!

King Hippo

It’s sweet how the lady radio announcer still has the notion that Lewandowski is gonna do sommet other than scratch his balls out there.

King Hippo

Still 2-1 to the shitlickers?

King Hippo

Answered my own question but then SUDDEN CHANGE!!

litre_cola

In a bloody meeting all day and I get to watch nothing and like it. Oh but Litre you get to watch the Ice Bombers you say. No. Families are all here this week. WHERE IS MY BONG????

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, where IS your bong?
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King Hippo

HAIL GAMBLOR!!!

/Bradford City goal in the dying embers of half saves a really dumb-dumb bet I made on them to win the half, they went a goal down and I shoved the rest of my chips in on a draw for the half (ends up +266)

King Hippo

also, Bayern got done in the arsehole on that non-handball call, but it appears refs only give penalties for dives nowadays. Handballs apparently are a-ok.

/have to take kid to dentist now, radio for 2nd stanza

theeWeeBabySeamus

Are you guys watching soccer?
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SonOfSpam

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, Seamus.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tell that to mah belly!!!!!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Everytime someone at work used the phrase “ball drop” (as in “that was a major ball drop”) I like to pretend they are actually talking about someone just now hitting puberty.

SonOfSpam

Huh. That was quick.

– Real Madrid, 2018
– Poland, 1939

LemonJello
LemonJello

-LemonJello’s Senior Prom, 1990

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Man, when does the cleaning crew come in? The DFO clubhouse is dumpier than usual.
Sooooooo. What’s on the ol’telly? Futbol? Welp, I’m off like a prom dress.”
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Unsurprised
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I like her.

King Hippo

Fuck Real, Fuck the Redshite, I will NAWT watch that fookin’ final.

scotchnaut

Totally forgot about that “History Repeating” tune. Great pull.

/should I duck out of work early and go tap, tap tap?

King Hippo

why would one not??

/warning, the match will be liquid shit, but at least then I won’t be talking to myself

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sure.