2018 World Cup Team Preview – Poland

Poland enters the 2018 World Cup as a mystery wrapped in an enigma cloaked in bowling shirts. The Polandites qualified impressively, winning their group by 5 points over Denmark. However, their form since then has been spotty, and their recent World Cup history is as impressive as their screen-doored submarines (to be fair, they keep the fish out). They could finish anywhere in their group, so they will definitely be one of the more interesting teams to watch, and not just because they will likely get lost on their way to the stadium.

WORLD CUP HISTORY

The Polanderoos first qualified for the FIFA World Cup in 1938. The format was quite different back then, as Poland was knocked out in only one game by Brazil. They continued their poor form defensively over the next few years, mostly having problems with their left side. Neighboring countries offered aid by setting up camps to help with focus and concentration, but they didn’t qualify again until 1974. Surprisingly, in that year the Polandicos made the semifinal round before falling (again) to host Germany. There were two really positive aspects about this run, in that they beat Brazil in the third place game, and also that they were able to return from Germany in planes instead of boxes. They repeated their third place performance eight years later in Spain, but have rarely found success in the World Cup since, mostly due to players not recovering quickly after games. Poland had misplaced their ice recipe until recently.

2018 WORLD CUP OUTLOOK

The Polandifers find themselves in Group H (or “the group with the two up-and-down lines and the one across-ways line”), along with Colombia, Senegal, and Japan. Their schedule is as follows:

June 19  Poland vs. Senegal  11 a.m. ET  Moscow

June 24  Poland vs. Colombia  2 p.m. ET  Kazan

June 28  Japan vs. Poland  10 a.m. ET  Volgograd

Most experts (i.e., some European blog I clicked on) feel that the Poland-Colombia game will determine the winner of the group. As everyone knows, Japan will not win the group due to something involving honor, and Senegal ain’t from around here (wink wink), so the Colombians would seem to be the favorites due to their speed (cocaine = speed) and the Poles’ lack of end-game strategy. Specifically, Poland lacks the necessities to win the group or cross the road without disengaging from the chickens they’re romancing at the time. However, should Poland advance to the Sweet 16 (trademarked by FIFA and Roy Moore), they would likely face England and out-disappoint the Limeys for a quick exit.

PLAYERS TO KNOW

The best player in Poland is the striker Robert Lewandowski, pictured here:

Seems old for a striker, just right for a douche.

Lewandowski, known by his nickname “Wondo,” is one of the top players in the world and currently plays for Bayern Munich. This seems odd, as historically Germans aren’t especially welcoming to Poles, but they know quality when they see it, and Lewandowski was budget-friendly as his primary demand was a docile sheep. Most other good Polish players have complicated last names that end in “ski” (because they don’t know how to spell “toboggan”). Polish brides get something long and hard on their wedding day: a new last name.

WHO’S THE POLISH MANAGER?

The Polanderricos manager is Adam Nawalka, a former player and definitely not the only guy in Poland who can write his own name.

POLAND TEAM NICKNAME

The Poland team’s primary nickname is “Biało-czerwoni” which translates as “the white-reds” (please note: this is actually true). Their creative flag, seen at the top of this post, is white and red, so the nickname is technically accurate. There are many theories as to why the nickname is so simple. One is that Polish children grow up less intelligent due to the Polish tradition of not breastfeeding the babies (it hurts too much when the mothers boil their nipples). It’s also possible that fatigue plays a factor; most Poles only get 10 minutes for lunch, because any longer than that would require retraining. Other people blame head injuries, due to the high occurrence of Polish people falling out of trees while raking leaves. Lack of education plays a part, especially since the book was stolen from the Polish National Library. In any event, cheer for the white-reds because at the end of the tournament, they have to go back to Poland.

SonOfSpam

SonOfSpam

SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as “not there” and “imaginary.” He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.
SonOfSpam

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SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam has often derided other cultures, mainly yogurt. His work has often been described as "not there" and "imaginary." He currently lives with several other people, at least until they find out.

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Senor WeaseloHoratio Cornblowerscotchnautlitre_colaKing Hippo Recent comment authors
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Senor Weaselo

I think you checked all the joke boxes, so A+!

Horatio Cornblower

As a proud alumni of St. Stanislaus elementary school I would applaud this post, but I keep missing my hands.

scotchnaut

/happening in real time

I ordered some books online while fucked up-I sorta remember kinda doing it. Let’s see what we have…

1.He Died With His Eyes Open-Derek Raymond

2. The Recovering-Leslie Jamison

3. The Devil’s Home On Leave-Derek Raymond

4.The Wisdom of Wolves-Jim & Jamie Dutcher

/I may have done well, I’ll let you know in a month or so.

litre_cola

This was excellent SoS, Maybe the Polandtobans can come out of that group but in history their defenCe is quite weak.

King Hippo

yeah, I betcha Coca Bros. get ’em 4-2 or 5-3, sommet like that. Hippo expects to make much moneys.

scotchnaut

“Hey UncleOfKlik! That supposed pic of Lewandowski is actually me! GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE!”

-Jordan Peterson

ballsofsteelandfury

I love everything about this preview.

scotchnaut

My Polish emigrant barber was so excited to be talking about the upcoming World Cup with someone that he invited me to drop by his shop while the games are on.

“You come? You come? Yah?”

I’d be honored to, Stanislaw Impossiblelastname.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I got 10 bucks Canadian (what? I’m not rich dammit) for ya if you walk in and give him a “Heil Mein Fuhrer”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tell him you can’t because you’ll be too busy laying linoleum, and wait for him to ask you if she has a friend.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehe

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Beerguyrob

I, for one, hope the Polandicoots do quite well, because every round they advance past the Russians digs at Putin’s soul.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…digs at Putin’s soul.

His what now?

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

The Polish attackers, as they charge up the field, only use tactics from around WWI, getting obliterated by anyone with a lot of gas in their tanks.

King Hippo

Polish brides get something long and hard on their wedding day: a new last name.

ALL HAIL KING SPAM!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on this preview I will absolutely be rooting for the Polificos to at least make the semifinals.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When I lived in Port Shepstone I had a friend who was from Poland. I first met her when she came down to visit (and hook up with) my friend Eddie. Then she moved into the area and started hooking up with my friend Daryl. She never hooked up with *me* which was a bummer because she was pretty attractive in the way you suspect a Jacksonville resident might have been before they hit middle age. She and Daryl came and visited me for a night when I had moved to LA, which was kind of weird because they were still on the party circuit and I had just started a serious new job. Oh, I did hit on her that same night I ended up hooking up with the girl from England so I guess it qualifies as a strikeout story.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Daryl didn’t have a brother named Daryl, did he?

Or was it this guy?????
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(this dirty, no bathing, crossbow carrying mofo ruins it for all of us)

((Norman Reedus is actually a pretty cool dude))
(((but he still needs a bath and a haircut, tho)))

King Hippo

It slayed me when the “Hi, I’m Larry” from the Newhart brother trio showed up as the innkeep on Deadwood. He was damned good in the role, too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In all honesty he actually looked a good bit like Norman Reedus. Like, it’s freaking me out how much he looked like him. That’s probably my mind playing tricks on me (doo doo-doo-doo do doo doo doo…), though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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litre_cola

Hehe newhart joke.

Wakezilla

Good write up.

This group is wild to me because each team is flawed, yet, with exception of Japan, I could easily see getting to the quarterfinals.

Fun fact: If you talk to any Polish person, no matter how old they are, they will tell you that the only reason why Poland finished 3rd and not won the World Cup in 74 was because the terrential rain took away their speed advantage against the Krauts. Then they’ll quote verbatim, Beckenbauer confirming that rain played a role in West Germany beating Poland.

PS: I thought I covered this yesterday. Japan won’t win games because they’re afraid to poo due to the fact they beleive an attractive big breasted Japanese woman, who is missing her legs, might cut off their legs while they’re in the middle of a shit. As a result, they’re always bloated and super slow…. Why do I even bother?

scotchnaut

Fun Fact: Sleepmothra’s fun fact is not based on anecdotal evidence but in personal experience.