Happy Saturday everyone!
Hope it’s been a good day for everyone and you were as productive/lazy/shit-all drunk as you hoped to be.
I know this is a loung weekend for our Canadian friends which also explains why I am filling in for your regular host Absinthe-Fellow-Rigoberto.
Does anyone know why Canada is having their long weekend?
Really, this isn’t a conversation starter, it’s a “I have no fucking idea” question.
There are some sports scheduled for this evening, mainly baseball.
That’s not the buzz around the sports world today though.
Oh no.
NBA free agency begins tonight at 09:01 PM PST.
As a Los Angeles resident I am surrounded, and I mean that in a literal as well as figurative sense, by this madness. Los Angeles isn’t a Rams town – but they have their fans. It can be a Dodger town when the team is performing well as they have for the past several seasons.
Uh-uh. LA is a fucking LAKERS town.
Here’s a snippet of an actual conversation on LA talk radio. “Dude! The Lakers are gonna land LeBron, Kawhi Leonard, Paul George AND DeAndre Jordan! The new dynasty starts this weekend!”
I swear to God! This was an actual conversation. Not to mention that this line-up wouldn’t even fucking work.
The Lakers fans refuse to accept reality. They refuse! This fan base CAN NOT handle not winning. Then you add on several years of not winning? These motherfuckers get CRAZED!
I won’t be able to go anywhere without overhearing this insanity over the course of this weekend.
Keep your eyes on whatever sports news source you prefer, the Twitter or the Internet or the Woj and watch the madness unfurl in real time.
As a Bulls fan I truly hope the Bulls just stay the fuck away from free agency. They are in the middle of a multi-year rebuild and the last thing they need to do is trade away young drafted talent and get to the “We have to win NOW” panic dance.
Fuck that.
So crack open a beer, pop a cork on a bottle of vino, pour yourself a tasty mixed drink or pound some shots.
Just be sure to tell us all about it in the comments.
AWAY WE GO!
I posted this on Bookface as a joke, because it’s one of my favorite lines from Bob. This managed to piss off mom, my mother-in-law, both aunts, and my 50-year-old cousin.
That said, everyone in my age demographic “liked” it or gave it a “laugh” emjoi.
I am in their age group and think it is funny and true at the same time.
Of course that said; you’ve seen what else I think is funny.
There are two people, regardless of age that have a similar sense of humor in my family.
It’s about 75/25 eye rollers to being offended or pissed. So most of them are OK.
Cheyney’s divorce did not go well.
They are really going cheap on bra material.
TIL Leibniz’s mother was a Schmuck. No, seriously. Her name was Catharina Schmuck!
I just tried to pinch zoom on a magazine picture. Which proves I’m both old and drunk.
I just rewatched the highlights of Spain’s last two games and I have to say, David De Gea’s struggles have been greatly exaggerated. Now Spain’s defense on the other hand, look pretty bad.
Is this one of those SFW porn images?
Oh, but it’s strawberry. Sorry, I’ll pass.
Chocolate will always love Weaselo.
For Pop Tarts I’m a cherry/wild berry man.
You’re just saying that because there is a box of them right there behind you.
Mmf-fm—(gulp) I mean, what box?
/Wipes off crumbs
You say you want hot Scandinavian women singing about, I think, hate-fucking? Gotcha covered:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgYTWDsn2PM
That is marketing genius.
If it were real, of course.
I knew I left my car there!
Oh, that’s not mine.
Mine isn’t for sale.
Oh, I thought you had stolen the for sale sign from one of your neighbors; thus it being on the floor.
Goddamn. I can see why SoS is way into this band. Lake Street Dive is going on the ‘must see’ list.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7_Lg5dd_9g
I like this one as a showcase for their talent (which is not a euphemism for something else).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUdjk0wEqhI
I’m so fucking happy to have checked their web-site just now and discovered that the played 2 hours away from me tonight. Fucking thrilled. Awesome.
Hippo, Seamus, they go to NC from here. Don’t be an idiot like me.
What you think about Markennen?
Seems like Helsinki that franchise.
-Horatio
The GOP platform is cartoon form.
Sometimes the lord wishes to test me.
So my well meaning cousin got me a Boston t-shirt. No sports affiliation, just now I have to be tactful about hurting her feelings.
Figure I’ll wear it once, then have a “freak accident” while pursuing my previously unmentioned welding hobby.
#BrahckyStrahng
You could accidentally destroy it maliciously?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fuNNtmjDXs
Tell her the Underpants Gnomes mistook it for a pair of tighty whiteys that was stained with poo.
Hey, the band is good. (RIP Bradley Delp)
Mr. Cohn is uninterested FOAR some reason ,, smgdh
He’s waiting for his bookie.
The Trump Trainer.
(I keep hearing Sept for indictments and whatnot. You hear anything?)
nothing specific from the ppls I randomly believe to be credible
Turn around, stupid.
Why? There’s nothing behind… Wait, you mean him. Right, gotcha.
Well, I was talking about you, but it’s probably too late now.
Not huge fan of the original song, or frankly the cover. The singer, however? Oh my.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5z7cYSbsFU
That’s the band I’m kinda sorta stupid about over the last year.
Saw them live a couple months ago, and up close it’s all good too.
yeah, I don’t think Spam allows other folk to eyeball her ,, smh
#pistolsatdawn
You can look…as long as you acknowledge that she’s spoken for.
if she doesn’t have a restraining order against you, that means ‘Yes’
Why yes, I did play lacrosse in high school, why do you ask?
And, oh yeah, I was terrible.
At lacrosse or rape?
Then again, in the men’s game it’s kinda the same thing.
it was an all-guys Catholic high school, so let’s just agree it was lacrosse and end this conversation, shall we?
Ah.
/nods sadly
//is about to ask whether Horatio was an altar boy
///realizes the answer is obvious
I was not.
I paid for law school myself.
But how did you get candy as a child?
(I was never molested and it still haunts me. WHAT, I WASN’T ATTRACTIVE???)
I should not have laughed at that….. well, maybe just not the long.
I mean, what else can you do?
Judoka kitty is not to be fucked with.
The first comment, “So this is what it would sound like if Tommy Pickles sang for Weezer? I dig it.”, nails it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yA443AoFTo
Evening gents.
Unabashed (which I think means stupid?) Lakers fan here. We are annoying, at least those of us who know nothing about basketball and just go WOO LAKERS at random points.
But I have many AC Green virginity jokes. Also, Kobe rape jokes. Also, Magic HIV jokes. So there’s that.
So they’re getting Cousins and LeBron?
I have zero idea what’s gonna happen, which is kinda fun.
So are you the right or left?
Douchebags right out of central casting.
(And I’m the guy watching at home because money.)
WAIT…did Kobe rape Magic?? And was AC all jelly??
We don’t really need you Laker fanFic here, pal.
Oops, too late. ENJOY!
Don’t defend Hippo; he has money on it.
ALWAYS!
Kobe gave Magic Hep C, and Magic deflowered AC Green. For more Lakers sexy fanfic, visit my page at http://www.earthlink.net/lakersfuckinglakers/jerkmeohyeah.html
Guys, that web page is amazeballs. I can’t believe it actually exists.
Thank you for driving the clicks. The site is putting my kid thru college.
His kid is clearly going to Bovine U.
Leave NC State out of this!
Only cuz she’s a Grade A Moron.
USDA Prime?
(watching Django Unchained)
(Picard facepalm)
You dumbass. You accomplished the mission. You saved the damsel in distress. Just get the hell of there!
It’s that time of night:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvXmtkl4Nmk
That was enjoyable. Good for them, getting some success/attention so early.
I wouldn’t mind if they managed to find their way out east.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYeMl1PeJRk&t=10m1s
10/10.
That is all.
MMM. A new fetish
Drinking with my brother, boxing comes on.
Him: “Oh, heavyweights. I’ll have one more and see how this goes.”
Me: “Those are middleweights. Have as many as you want, because I’m taking your keys.”
I know, how can he not figure out the difference between El Diablo and El Diablo Grande?
What, we’re talking boxing? With people? And not robots? Well damn then.
Oompa-loompa porn has really gone down hill.
I am the kind of person who is petty enough to do something to prove a point. Like how when someone knocked my Pokemon out before I got any coins for it in between walking by the library and walking to get my ice, I walked back to the library, knocked out the Pokemon in there that was put in place of mine, and stayed there until the time triggers that I’ll at least get something out of it. Because I am petty and I will defend something’s honor if I care about it.
This may explain some of the answers from below.
Pokémon Go isn’t authentic enough. In the game when all the Pokémon in your party faints, you black out.
My solution, if you lose a battle against someone, the winner gets a free swing at you. If its against a wild Pokémon, its the closest person.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsPheErBj8
I’m not giving someone a badge for KOing one Blissey in the nearest gym.
Hopefully it gets worse when you drink.
My jealousy gets worse, does that count?
Oh, hello new bottles of Wild Turkey and Buffalo Trace. Time to get blackout drunk watching Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp.
I’m currently a Free Agent but I will join the first political party that fixes out of control medical costs.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/29/health/acthar-mallinckrodt-questcor-price-hike-trevor-foltz/index.html
Drug, medical supply, and insurance companies own the AMA and both available parties; you’ll be waiting quite a while.
…yay?
I think one might as well become a Nihilist for awhile. Only chance to get anything you might want.
…and the neighbor is setting off fireworks to celebrate the Thirtieth of June.
I’ll set the O/U on abandoned cars in his yard at 3.
It might be over.
My wife drives me absolutely nuts with her “ideas” for ice cream flavors.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: What kind of ice cream are we making tonight?
RIKKI: I thought we’d keep it simple and do mint chocolate chip.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: Oh, and let’s add hummus!
I spend a great deal of time explaining to Mrs. Cornblower why most of her ideas for various businesses a) will get us sued for copyright infringement and/or b) involve multiple felonies.
I have not, however, ever had to tell her to keep the hummus out of my ice cream.
Also, may I suggest banana chocolate chip ice cream?
It is delicious!
By a happy coincidence, I just bought bananas today!
Hummus ice cream has been done, believe it or not
Beets! Yeah make em taste like the earth!
If you don’t send me a case of Boone’s Farm I show this video to your wife!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jnsHJ1u3Pk
[sends three cases]
Best use of $6 ever.
You realize there’s a reason you never see frozen chick peas.
The molecular structure that makes it so smooth at room temperature turns to ground gravel when frozen.
Man, she gets weird when she’s drunk.
The new Whitesnake video kind of sucks.
The hummus should get rid of the disgusting mint flavour
There’s a party with music in my neighborhood. I don’t mind that but I think they just played a cover version of “Come on Eileen” by one-hit-wonders Dexy’s Midnight Runners. A cover version. Come on, give those guys their one hit and leave them alone. That’s cruelty.
Baha men agree.
For some reason my compilation record of just that song and “Cum on Feel the Noize” never sold well.
“Does anyone know why Canada is having their long weekend?”
Tomorrow is NHL free agent frenzy! Everyone drinks because their team never does what they’re supposed to
Yeah. For instance, the Whalers were supposed to stay in Hartford.
They were also not supposed to trade away Ron Francis.
Don’t even get me started on that.
If John Cullen ever turns up on 7 different doorsteps at the same time I was with you guys the whole time.
If we ever get to do a recreation of Lo Scandalo I call the the role of Archer.
I’m holding out hope that LeBron is flying to Los Angeles to tell the Lakers to go fuck themselves. I’m also holding out hope that Aubrey Plaza’s going to knock on my door drunk and horny.
Is Emma Watson there?
What the hell. I’m holding out hope that Emma will show up at your door drunk and horny.
We can hold out hope for both, we both need the luck!
You guys won’t believe this, but Emma Watson and Aubrey Plaza just showed up at my door. They are very drunk. They are not horny, though. They are just here to yell at me because my dog barks too much.
Be at the ready. Per Internet videos, anger could lead to horniness.
Boy are you guys in luck! (SFW)
http://in.askmen.com/entertainment-news/1098444/article/aubrey-plaza-and-emma-watson-nude-photos
I went to Ralph’s to go get an ice. If she’s waiting at home she can meet me there, it’s 10:00 so the line is almost around the block.
Wasn’t that, like, last year? Not that I know or anything of course.
I was not met at Ralph’s. I was nearly met by a pair of cars nearly hitting me on my walk! I mouthed “Really motherfucker?” to one and everything!
I hope Sonny Gray likes Trenton.
“I hope I like him too!” – Trent Green
Done with all my chores for the day (or at least I’m not gonna do any more of them), so it’s…
Right there with you. The dog just got a long and very humid walk and it is now Miller* time!
*Connecticut Valley Brewing Co.’s ‘Into The Woods’
Is it a cow as white as milk stout?
Um, it’s a beer?
/Guys, I think Senor fell on his head again.
So it’s not a slipper made of gold-en wheat?
Ooh, is that the new beer that gives you Lyme disease?
(watching Django Unchained)
Plantation Owner: “Django is a free man, so don’t treat him like all the other [n-word]s.”
Slave: “So I should treat him like a white man?”
Plantation Owner: “Now I didn’t say that.”
That explains American Racial Tensions scarily good.
That whole scene was fantastic. Who knew Ol’ Don had it in him?
Baker Mayfield getting married, no word yet whether it’s to a butcher or a candle stick maker.
/I do birthdays and parties but I’m booked solid and let’s be honest, you couldn’t afford me with material like that
THIS AARON BOONE I CALL HIM GERALD FORD BECAUSE OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER
/Reads Yeah Right’s intro.
/Reads comment thread.
Fucking Yankee fans.
/cries into “the other” Bob Gibson jersey.
/trips over “the wrong” Matsui jersey.
/sees box of Special K cereal, throws it against the wall.
/tears rotator cuff and UCL.
/Mets trainers say 1 week of rest and it will be all good.
Nomonkey now looks like Dave Dravecky.
Goodnight you fucking twat of a pitcher.
“Good night, your lordship.” – Sonny Gray
Good night you cunts of New York you twats of the empire state.
Luis Cessa, Ubaldo Jimenez, or Sonny Gray? Decisions, decisions…
Carlos Marmol is feeling slighted.
Sonny Gray is the most useless cunt.
Flag Football is on NFLN. Catch the fever.
Appreciate the suggestion, but I’m pretty content to just sit tight here with my scarlet fever.
I’ve already got a fever.
Horatio, I wish to commiserate with you on how useless that cunt Sonny Gray is. What a useless cunt. If that fucking cunt cost us the division, I wanted him gelded in the worst way possible.
I was so excited about that trade too. “3 guys coming off of major surgery for a legitimate #2 starter with three years of control? Fuck AND yes!”
Now I’d take any one of those cripples and a bag of baseballs for Gray.
Hell, I’d take the baseballs scuffed!
Sonny Gray isn’t very good, you guys.
/Owns him in fantasy
Tell me about it.
You should DFA him.
Why the hell did you think that was a good idea?
We have a really deep competitive league?
No?
He eats innings?
Fuck.
Sonny Gray? What the hell kind of name is that? Who’s his dad, “Slim Fatterton”?
Whoever his father is, he sure as hell isn’t admitting it right now.
[frowns, notices Sonny Gray’s skin tone, shakes his head]
“Nah, there’s no way.”
– Antonio Cromartie
THIS SONNY GRAY, I CALL HIM SASHA BECAUSE HE BLOWS.
I usually go pretty light on the food on Saturdays but the weather is amazing and I’m gonna grill some burgers.
I’ll work out again tomorrow.
We got a position player pitching in Dirt Vikings-Dirt Bengals!
That’s something that could help NFL ratings. In case of a 4th Qtr. blowout, both teams put two lineman in at QB and RB.
I feel like that would lead to Jared Lorenzen trying to make a comeback as an offensive lineman, so I love this idea.
I’m getting ready to watch Yankees-Red Sox on Fox. I can’t be the only one who appreciates the irony of Fox running a promo for Tim Allen’s show, followed by a promo for a show about a kid dealing cocaine.
I honestly (perhaps foolishly) tried to listen to some nationally syndicated sprots talk radio while driving earlier. And, in fact, the topic was NBA free-agency. Good thing I was on a rural highway because when I woke I was WAAAYY on the wrong side of the road with the cruise set just over 70mph. I survived this attempted murder-by-boredom so… ON TO THE BOURBLE!
That’s usually how my joyride roadtrips happen.
“Why are the state route signs squares? I wasn’t driving west. I was driving….holy shit, I’m in West Virginia.”
Those always end well…
“That’s my cousin! He’s from the side of the family with perfect vision.” – Mike Carey
One of the Reds relief pitchers just hit a pinch-hit Grand Slam. I love baseball.
I saw that bastard do the same thing against the Cubs. Go Reds because fuck the Brewers.
They’re thinking of having him be a reserve outfielder on days when he doesn’t pitch. That’s both a testament to his athletic ability and an indictment to the Reds farm system.
Because toumourrouw’s Canada Day!
Nice! Thanks Senor.