The best thing about hot and swampy mid-August as far as my brain box is concerned? We’re that much closer to the most wonderful month of the year-the one that comes afterward. Can’t recall its name but I do know the weather cools down a bit, (suck it, warm Earthers!) the leaves decide to turn gay and the football begins in earnest. Now here’s the thing-how does one judge a team’s regular season prospects/depth concerns/revised O and D schemes/chances of success? You may just have guessed it. YES! The pre-season! So for those of you that cheer for the six teams on the slate tonight it is incumbent upon you to go… TO THE GAMES!
Philly/New England:
Having missed last week, Nick Foles “Farewell To This Stinking Town Tour” begins in earnest tonight and then it’s on to the sleep-inducing Nate Sudafed, er, Slutfield. Sorry, Somefeld. Your Australian content for the night will be filled by punter Cameron Johnston who unleashed an 81-yarder last week. With respect to the Pats it’s the same old, same old-which undrafted DIII flag football qb converted to wr will lead the team in receiving yards from the slot this year? Yawn.
NYJ/Wash:
Do you believe in magic? Jets fans that think that rook qb Darnold will get through the fake tilts without an intercept certainly do. Trenton Cannon Watch: can he fumble a third time in only his 2nd preseason game? ‘Dacted fans will most likely be saving most of their cheers for Dr. James Andrews on Friday as he attempts to put Derrius “The Goose Is Loose” Guice’s ACL back together. Tickets for seats in the operating theatre are reportedly going as high as a rookie-year Josh Gordon!
Pit/Green Bay:
Marquis “The Mouthful” Valdes-Scantling was the only rook wr to gain more than 100 yards receiving last week. (this may or may not be true but I read it somewhere and reading is important so my heart is in the right place) Not far behind him in many ways is Equanimeous “Call me Equanimeo For Short” St. Brown. Much like The Ben, lb Bud Dupree beat the regular season rush and had his brain concussed and will not be playing.
Let the commenting thing begin!
Is that a Spoog Target (TM) on her necklace?
MEN, oh MEN! I have traveled almost the length of North Cackalackey over these last few days, and I can tell you that it was, all in all, a shit-show of Trumpian proportions.
We begin just south of Our Nation’s Capital.
1st stop: Greenville to drop LimeJello off for his senior year at ECU (Go Pirates!) This actually went fairly well, as we moved him in early and beat the madness that is Move-In Weekend.
2nd stop: Boone. OrangeJello starts her sophomore campaign at AppSt (Go Mountaineers!) living off campus with four other girls. This is where the shit-show started. The apartment/townhouse hadn’t been cleaned prior to our arrival, there were bags of trash left in the living room, a giant archaic CRT tv sitting forlornly amid the trash, unpainted drywall patches on most walls, and a general dirtiness that made me wonder if we hadn’t ended up in one of those sh*thole countries the president was warning us about.
We unload and start putting IKEA furniture together. Lady LemonJello starts the damage inspection. Manager shows up after several complaints from the girls/parents; apologizes and promises to send the painters and cleaning crew over. Cleaners mention that there’s no hot water from any tap in the house. Urge to kill: rising. Silent prayer of thanks that I don’t travel concealed carry goes out to the cosmos. Cosmos laughs and gives me the finger. AC for the living room, kitchen and my daughter’s bedroom goes out while we’re getting dinner. Also, the cable/internet that is supposed to be “plug in ready,” isn’t. We call it a night, head to our hotel.
This morning, we gather OrangeJello to get some last minute items and groceries. Girls are on the ball, have already gone down to the management office and have maintenance on the way to address the AC and hot water problems. Tech from the cable/internet provider is also “being sent out” to address that, after a couple rounds of “Is the cable connected?” and “Have you turned it on and off?”
Return to just south of Our Nation’s Capital. There is beer in the fridge.
So how the fuck you doing, men?
Four girls you say? All living together? I think I’ve seen that video before…
You better have bought that copy, this tuition isn’t going to pay itself.
LemonJello: Father of the Year.
“Daddy, I made a mistake and now I’m all over the internet!”
“You better not have given it away for free, young lady!”
If any “authorities” ask, I was here with you guys all week.
Looks as if FedEx “turf” done killed Perine, too. Who’s left, Dok? DOK???
ok, it’s close to 6pm. am done checking work emails. Let’s drink.
THEY PREEMPTED JEOPARDY FOR THIS FUCKING GAME
“Ook.”
14-14. Five minutes into the game.
Welcome to the New NFL, everyone. First one to 100 wins.
Evenin commentists I hope you are all well. Our air quality is worse than Dehli and Beijing. We’re number 1!!!!
Freedom Fire
Alex Smith is impressed with Darnold’s checkdowns.
/but seriously, Darnold looks decent when he has adequate protection.
So…he’s Andy Dalton?
He’s much less of a shitshow than I expected.
He’ll start the season so they can David Carr the shit out of him.
#vanilladefensesnotapeyet
No offense, Steelers fans, but I hope Mason Rudolph doesn’t work out.
You guys will make several Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer jokes and songs when you beat the Bengals and I’ll learn to hate Rudolph and eventually everything Christmas.
Just watch this Redshirt. It puts a smile on my face
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTlzbsjojGs&t=142s
The [*Redacted] s obviously feel bad for the Jets and are giving them a head start on this drive.
The Make a Wish program has a lot of pull.
So I feel like more access to legalized gambling will be good for the NFL’s ratings. I’m surprised they aren’t flirting with promoting it directly.
You can kneel on the 1 to avoid the OVER, but don’t you dare kneel for the Anthem. That’s disrespectin’ the troops!
Pittsburgh got 13 points? Aw, so Rudolph isn’t as bad as his first pass indicated?
Off the upright and through? Looks like it’s preseason for DOINK too.
I have eaten all the cottage cheese/coleslaw. My work here is done.
Can we nickname Darnold, “I am Sam” Darnold”?
That’s dangerously Berman-ish.
But Of Mice and Men-ish enough to be funny still.
tell me about teh rabbits, Coach Bowles!
“Yes, I would like some green eggs and ham.”
– Andy Reid
I cal him Special Sam
He’s certainly a man for all Downs.
Nice.
Pats with a defensive TD. Up 17-0
Darnold sacked! Almost got him on 2nd down, too.
He’s not even an old man yet.
I don’t think there is any room in this game for old man saggy ballsack jokes.
Just a brutal top-o-the-first in Arlington. DIRTBALL FEVER!!!11!
What drink goes well with a Panic Attack?
vodka
Cough syrup with coedine.
Whiskey. Its the perfect partner for every situation in life.
Room temperature bath water-shaken, not stirred.
Inhaled, not swallowed.
Everclear
I listen to them and get even more depressed.
Oh, you mean……
Xanaxcolada
What kind of blender to you use?
? It’s not Bengals regular season yet.
You know what its about! I was this close to considering “Redshirt” as a lost cause and creating a new account and starting over on DFO. You guys would’ve loved “Brownpants”.
nah, if Matt Cassel can look hisself in the mirror and keep Vania!-ing on, season after derpy season, then so must we all.
Thus the Bengals joke.
BTW, it would’ve been better as “post” season, but still good.
Well, since there will be only golf in their post-season this year I thought it better no to go theoretical,
… weeeeeeed. In bong wash form.
Damn. So many excellent choices and quick too.
Did you know Jimmy Graham played basketball in college?
Has anyone else ever eaten a packing peanut to verify that they are in fact water soluble, or is it just me doing it dozens of times?
HIGH IN FIBER! HIGH IN CARCINOGENS IF INGESTED! TASTY WITH MILK AND REFINED SUGAR!
So what’s the story with Wentz? Is he going to be healed in time, or do the Eagles hopes still ride of Foles playing out of his mind?
Alex Smith just looks so sad. I bet Dan Snyder hits him.
That would explain why he’s wearing long sleeves in the middle of the summer – to hide the bruises.
TINY HAND FIGHT! TINY HAND FIGHT!!
Now that he’s not a Chief anymore, I wish Alex Smith all the success in the world.
Oh wait – he’s on the [*Redacted] s? Damn, sorry, Alex. It’s still nothing personal, but I hope you lose 13 games this year.
Yes, first a division foe, then to one of the most asshole owners in a sea of assholes. Maybe just put up the same numbers as cousins, but still lose the games?
Just do what I did a Bengal I like goes to the Ravens or Steelers: hope he breaks every record possible, while still going 2-12-2.
he mocked the other Tiny Hands, despite being a rich white man who graduated from the University of Utah. So he’s ok now that he left KC.
MV-S, star of NFL Pre-season Week 1? That’s right, he was NC State’s NUMBER THREE WR last season.
Mason Rudolph first pass, pick-six.
“Nailed it!”
Oh, why couldn’t this be a Regular Season game?
Witten!
In Trevor Noah is still bad at his job news: Omarosa of all people, corrected Noah on the fact Flint still doesn’t have clean water.
Meanwhile on Fox News, an atractive blonde in her 30s said she remembered when America defeated Communist Japan in World War II. . .
Maybe he has CTE; he just brought that up a few nights ago.
That is a relatively minor one for Fox.
…well at least she had the countries right. Partial credit.
And also they mistook Patti LaBelle for Aretha Franklin.
But which one is communist?
My Access database is done. I’m seriously thinking on working the 48 hours straight importing data. Just to finish the soul sucking project. I just want it over.
I tried to teach myself Access. I got as far as opening the program.
Folks
Tomlin: “Does Ben still have a concussion?”
Doctor: “Let me check. Hey, Ben! How are you feeling?”
Roethlisberger: “Why my good sir, I’m afraid my cognitive functions are still somewhat impaired by the recent hit to my head. However I believe with additional rest, I will be able to perform at my usual best, have alleged romantic liaisons in lavatories, and enjoy Chocolate Tacos once the regular season start.”
Doctor: “He’s still out of it, Coach.”
Stupid Pats up 7-0.
“I don’t understand these new rules.”
-Bill Maher
I would say “me, too”, but I read the replies to my last comment last night that I made half asleep. Now, I’m sending every potential comment to a PR Consultant before I post it.
Or, and bear with me here, you could revisit your “actually the N word is ok because black people use it” stance.
That’s what I said?! I thought I said the opposite! If its wrong for everyone non-black not to say it, then its wrong for blacks to say it as “their word”. Wrong for some is wrong for all. Saying that word is evil and then using it gives assholes the excuse to use it. Except for quotes and acting roles from the past. You can’t hide from history and how can we learn from history if its censored and cleansed away.
That’s it! No more sleep posting.
Additional Edit: “I reread what I said. I stand by my words, but I probably could’ve typed it better. I would never defend the use of the n-word (except for acting or quotes in movies like “Lincoln” and such.
That is the kind of “conservative logic”…. ah fuck it. You just restated the same shit.
“There you go again-seeing things in black and white. smgdh.”
-Context
That’s what you’re still saying, dude.
Please explain. I don’t understand. And this isn’t “conservative logic”. I don’t want to be accused of being a racist or sign of it. My grandparents were racists. I don’t want that dark page associated with my name, real or virtual.
No one should be allowed to use that word. Anyone.
What is wrong with that comment?!
I understand the logic, in that “the word would go away faster and be more stigmatized if NOBODY used it” – perhaps.
But whiteys like us don’t get a vote. If an oppressed group decides to “reclaim” a word, it’s their business. BLACK people can argue amongst themselves whether it’s ok for them to say it or not, but it’s best we stay the fuck out of it.
SoS answered adequately yesterday; if you don’t get the concept of oppressed v. oppressor that goes back to slave culture then I don’t think it is worth writing an essay to convince you will be worth anyone’s time.
Go back and reread what SonOfSpam wrote, I think that’s really all that needs to be said.
They actually sort of deal with this issue (and lots of other issues of race and black identity generally on “Atlanta”) – if one genuinely wants to get a better understanding of these issues, I’d watch that. It’s fucking outstanding as a piece of art, anyway.
Thank you all for comments. I agree with both. I didn’t mean to start a flame war; just discussion. Not going to bring it up again. I’m actually embarrassed.
Just remember this: Not black means don’t say the N word. If you’re black, go ahead and say the N Word.
Just accept this and move on and don’t dwell or think about it. I promise you, as a non-black person, you still get more perks.
Way to rub it in, BoSnF. Way to rub it in.
Had to. ???
https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/royals/the-queen-is-hiring-a-full-time-staffer-who-will-live-in-buckingham-palace-with-her/ar-BBLYVaH?ocid=spartanntp
Everyone dust of your resumes!
Fuck preseason football. It’s Thursday night and it’s time to party. So we’re gonna paint. We’re gonna exercise. We’re gonna blend drinks. And we’re taking your calls
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvbL_5rH1QQ
Laurie Anderson’s early work-can’t say enough about it.
Me coming to the realization that there is a chance that history will judge Omarosa as an integral part in bringing down the Trump Administration and might be considered an American Hero.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xrS5NEBKjU
nah, more “it takes a narcissistic idiot to snare a narcissistic idiot”
Local football broadcasts means local political ads. I might just make it through the first quarter…
Avoid CIN-DAL on Saturday night. You’ll get Ohio and Texas political ads. You get the bends from the sudden Trumpican ads.
AND PENIS IS RUSSIAN FOR . . . WHAT ?
I can’t believe the networks didn’t pick up Iggles/P*ts! Jest/’Dacteds is on WWL, though. LMAO
I got me the Pats game and the Jets as well.
stoopid Canadia, but I could go out pilled up in a bathrobe and buy a gun SO THERE
I named our air-conditioning unit “Cooly” recently. Cooly was very grateful that the label was not gender-specific. You do you, Cooly!
He was a helluva tight end though
great high harmony to
He took a picture of his Wang with his playbook, so how is he not gender specific?
Mine is call “Nut Broiler”.
NO ONE CALLS MOE ST. COOL A PHONY !
wha they do to TV’s Frank??
Equanimeous St. Brown?
checks the internets
HOLY SHIT! His name is “Equanimeous Tristan Imhotep J. St. Brown”!
And his siblings are Osiris Adrian Amen-Ra J. St. Brown and Amon-Ra Julian Heru J. St. Brown! And his parents are John Brown and Miriam Brown!
How have I never heard of this guy?
“Why this kid Equinameous, he’s full of loquaciousness, pugnaciousness, and his bank accounts are joint-withrawalishness”
“No, our favourite movie isn’t ‘Stargate’. Geezuz!… Okay, yeah-the best movie of all time is ‘Stargate’.”
-John and Miriam Brown
You need to join us on Saturdays, ninja!!
There are Packers fans talking shit on Twitter before a preseason game.
Meh, Denver fans want to fire the coach after a preseason game.
Jesus, really??
/the lack of decent Donks interwebs really gets me down
//or maybe we are just all really fucking horrible horse-ppls
A small but idiot loud minority. Really a small part of idiot Donk fans.