Your “Starting Units Wandering Into The Second Quarter? Do Tell!” Friday Night Football Open Thread

So my oldest sonny boy has shown an interest in cooking so I got him a few “Hello Fresh” thingies. He said he was going give one a go today and I knew that, because he didn’t invite me to join in the process, he wanted to tackle this solo. I said I was going to run some errands. (which I did. There are always errands. Always. Accomplished errands give birth to more errands). As I type, all the windows in the house are open and the ceiling/stove fans are going like gangbusters.

Me: “What happened?”

Him: “Pork has a tendency to burn.”

Me: “………..”

As Julia Child once so famously said, “When one wants to taste a bit of venison tartar, one must go… TO THE GAME!”

KC/ATL:

You were wandering through the streets of Copenhagen and you were famished. A street vendor called out “Kurt Benkert. Get your Kurt Benkert here for only 5 garflods!” Let’s not kid ourselves, 5 garflods for half a Benkert is a steal. So you bought it and asked for mayo on the side because you thought you were ordering frites in Brussels. Where’s your head at these days? The Precious Mahomes was knocked down 4 of the 5 times he tried to pass. [Alex Smith’s puny arm struggles to lift itself to his laughing mouth]

NYG/DET:

You wake up in the middle of the night. You yell, “My bed is all sticky-Spiderman, is that you?” Giants second-string qb responds, “No, it’s me. I’m the one that webbed your bed. I was really nervous.” You reply, “I would be too if Lauletta was that close to my tail.” Kenny Golloway is this year the exact same super sneaky sleeper fantasy pick that he was last year.

BUF/CLE:

Your wet dreams of Diana Nyad swimming the fetid waters of Lake Erie’s eastern shoreline have manifested themselves finally. You feel something like shame. As Mies van der Rohe always said, “Talking less about this game is more than one could hope for”.

MIA/CAR:

Despite James Taylor’s incantations, your mind refuses to go to Carolina. You’d rather stay in the abyss with Freddy N. Will you join him in hugging that horse before the two of you head to the sanitarium? Much like Tannehill’s reputation as a passable qb, it’s still up in the air.

ARI/NO:

The bourbon starts kicking in… Louis Armstrong’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s “Star Spangled Banner”creates a starchild in your cerebral cortex. “When is it due”?, I ask. “Always”, you growl wordlessly. If you want to follow the Saints O backfield on the twitter, simply type #minkamara, #alvark, #vingram or #karkving into the searchy thing.

Ride the wild animal that is your keyboard. Nameste.

 

 

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Got damnnnnnnnnnnnn. She seems friendly

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Pretending like she has never been there before. 2/10

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not used to that color.

Mr. Ayo

TURBO!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Woah. I didn’t think I could fire another one out, but here I am.

Wakezilla

This is your cramp game

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Hesus Kristo!

I’d let her turn me down every 5 minutes for an entire week.

Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook

At first I thought she was going to light a fart.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Either way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

The non-millennial (original) version

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQsgE0L450

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m saddened that no one else has +1’d this.
Goddamned Heathens.

Mr. Ayo

You are a good man with discerning taste. Kudos,

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo
Spur
King Hippo

the older I get, the more I appreciate their amazeballs artistic merit

King Hippo

Wonger pulls 2 back for the Birdos!!

King Hippo

so, Chosen with the 1s looked prettay…prettay…prettay good!

Spur
King Hippo

WHEW. #BFIB almost blew it. Still have the 9th to finish the job. 3-2 good guys.

Mr. Ayo

Is Joe Buck climaxing?

King Hippo

/Troy just likes to watch

Mr. Ayo

Wait, who’s Troy? Or did you cyber stalk me?

Mr. Ayo

Oh, Aikman. Got it.

/not concussed
//No CTE here
/// Blame the vodka

King Hippo

delayed joke landing WOO!!!

Mr. Ayo

You’re exactly right Hippo!

Spur
litre_cola

So, you are Willy. Suddenly Alf ends up on your doorstep. He eats cats and is a talking uncircumcised penis. Yet you invite him into your house where you have a family and a cat?

...

If Alf threatened to eat my cat, I’d sell him to government for a meager tax break so they could dissect him and develop some awesome bioweapon from his blood.

Redshirt

If Alf threatened to eat my cat, my cat will have a nice furry blanket to take her sunnaps on.

litre_cola

You could sell his nose to a European porn house. I hear they are big into things like that.

Mr. Ayo

If Alf threatened to eat my cat, I’d pay him with a large stack of unmarked bills.

Redshirt

As a kid, I was into Alf. If I ever perfect time travel and encounter kid me, I’m not sure if I should stop him from watching or slap me upside the head.

“Alright, Redshirt. Here’s the 10 things you did right, and the 1,000 things you really screwed up on.”

King Hippo

The Occam’s Razour answer is that Willy was fucking him.

herodotus450

That explains the name ALF

King Hippo

Alien Likes Felching

Senor Weaselo

There was a shooting in Virginia based on whether Halle Berry should play Aretha in a biopic. No word on whether they also quarreled on the UK’s greatest prime minister.

Spur

Only Scarlett Johansson has the acting chops to pull it off.

King Hippo

RESPEK!

Redshirt

Reds won? Wow.

Also, the Reds are getting interesting in their position players. Tonight, they have their starting catcher playing 1B. Couple nights ago, they had a relief pitcher play RF for an inning or two. And both of them didn’t embarrass themselves.

Spur

I believe they prefer to be called First Nations Redshirt.

Mr. Ayo

Wow, Bernie Kosar is 1) still alive and 2) looks like shit.

Redshirt

In other news, water is wet.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is his daughter still doing porn?

King Hippo

gotta get Daddy’s 10am whiskey moneys somehow, amirite?

herodotus450

Miracle Invoker!!
ahem. I mean, chicks, right?

Spur

Still my top 5 album from this decade.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9gKVduzVEA

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy shit, scotchy finally lost it.

/pours one out
//catches poured scotch and drinks it

King Hippo

It’s not gay to be gay for new #DevilMagic relief ace Dakota Hudson, since his name is Dakota, FFS

Spur

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...

God, I hate Cubs Twitter.

You know these fans are bitchier and more pessimistic than they were last year? Despite the fact they’re in first and Milwaukee is sputtering along, they’re still apoplectic every time the team loses as if it’s proof they’re a sham team.

This is why I need to watch the Bears this season: they’re absolutely no delusion they’re a good team and I can appreciate that the perception of the team matches with its performance

Mr. Ayo

This sounds exactly like Yankees twitter.

OH NO!!!! WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BUT WE HAVE FLAWS!!!

Boo, fucking, hoo.

...

Honestly, if the A’s continue to surge, the M’s don’t fall off, and the Yankees hit a bad stretch, they may not make the playoffs.

Mr. Ayo

As an M’s fan I guarantee that scenario will not happen.

...

The Mariners are a paper tiger and *shouldn’t* make the playoffs but the 2014 and 2015 Royals were similarly lucky and it worked out for them

Mr. Ayo

M’s and Luck don’t go together.

Fronkenshteen

The way Boone mismanages the bullpen, I have no problem seeing them get passed by SEA and OAK.

Mr. Ayo

At least he has a bullpen to mismanage. The M’s have a closer and NOTHING else.

Senor Weaselo

They’re in the bad stretch now!

King Hippo

they are going to NFC Title Match. minimum

HIPPO Guarantee

/but you’re right, at least folks will appreciate instead of bitch

//don’t be the NL SAWX fans, ain’t nobody got time for that

Fronkenshteen

Wish I knew why you’re so hot on the Ditkas.

King Hippo

Cromulent defense, a coach who understands how to get the ball in space to his two most explosive players (Jordan Howard and folk singer Leonard Cohen), somebody always comes out of nowhere.

They were closer to putting it together last year than people think. As a degenerate, I noticed certain tendencies.

/also I have weird drug-induced visions

Spur

I’ve been reduced to drinking Miller Lite. Send help.

herodotus450

“I haven’t seen this much reducing since Robespierre was in charge of the National Razor!”

Gah, my Dennis Miller (lite) infestation is back.

Fronkenshteen

Hey Redshirt! I decided to keep Joe Mixon in fantasy, so you have yourself an amigo in arms this year.

/does “Ickey Shuffle”
//shatters pelvis

Redshirt

With that Offensive Line? Okay.

Its high risk, high reward, but if this offense clicks like its supposed to you should be happy.

Fronkenshteen

I read you got Dallas’ o-line coach from last year and the one you let go was a whackadoodle. I’m hoping it’s like Gurley after Fisher left. Plus, he lost 20 lbs.
http://a.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=/i/headshots/nfl/players/full/3116385.png&w=350&h=254

Mr. Ayo

Alexa is the underdog?

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WWE, support your mainstays. That is ridiculous.

Redshirt

Actually, I’m okay with this. Unlike Brock and other part-timers, Rousey seems to want to be there and is actually putting forth an effort. Plus, Alexa isn’t known for her offense, she’s more manipulative and cheating to win.

If this was Charlotte and Asuka, than yeah, they wouldn’t be the underdog.

Mr. Ayo

Fair point. I just don’t see Rhonda getting better on camera to justify this.

Redshirt

Her skillset is fighting. She’s almost like Asuka without the language barrier.

She’ll get better. That’s one advantage of NXT; they get to work out the early debut jitters and we’re seeing a finished product debuting on Raw/Smackdown. With Rousey, she didn’t get that.

Spur

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Redshirt

And Kenny Anderson gets screwed by the HOF. Again. Geez, having the word “Bengals” next to the name must be a deal breaker. Good Bengals teams have existed too, you know.

Chiefs fans, I’m happy for you.

Mr. Ayo

Do you think Kenny gets to use the N word?

Mr. Ayo

Sorry, that was a troll post. Please ignore.

Redshirt

No problem. I responded in kind.

Redshirt

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King Hippo

with his CTE, sheeeeeeeiiiiiit mah ninja!!!

...

Twitter rules. I just encountered a guy who thought a baseball player who had his career cut short by benign tumors savaging a fan who called that player overrated was unfair because the dude’s prospect status was worthy of an “honest discussion.”

The player, Ryan Westmoreland, had one season in A ball as a 19 year old where he was very good before he had to undergo treatment for tumors in his brain that prevented him from ever playing affiliated baseball again. Baseball America ranked him 21st overall after his one season. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HOT TAKES ABOUT WHETHER HE WAS OVERRATED?!

...

I fucking hate Cubs Twitter so much

Mr. Ayo

The “Cubs” portion was unnecessary.

Redshirt

How the hell can anyone tell if he overrated? He hardly had a career!

You can argue “What could’ve been…” but not “overrated”. If he was called up to AA in his first year, than maybe, but I’d have to do the research first.

...

It’s not hard to imagine losing your life’s dream at age 20 and being upset that someone suggesting maybe you were actually shitty to begin with, except for this one dipshit who’s account was based on sneering at players for baserunning mistakes.

Redshirt

On the bright side, this poor kid for one brief moment got to live his dream. The griefer probably didn’t even get within a country mile of his dream job.

Also, baserunning mistakes? Really?! Its Single-A, that’s when they’re taught how to play the game professionally, not how to play it flawlessly. I don’t imagine many scouting reports go “Excellent eye for recognizing pitches. Amazing power. Above average range in defense. But he doesn’t always go from first to third on hit to RF and he was caught out-of-baseline that one time. Cut him!”

...

The guy only focuses on major league baserunning fuckups, so it’s not like he’s savaging kids. His account is somewhat based on shitting on Ryan Theriot, which I actually endorsed until I saw tonight’s take.

King Hippo

oh God, I called him ThE6iot the year or two he was in #BFIB-land. He would have been out of baseball 4-5 seasons earlier had advanced defensing metrics been more widely accepted. That guy was liquid shit.

...

The best part of Theriot is that after his time with the Cardinals he said he was on “the right side of the rivalry.”

He also took a dump on the Cubs in 2016 suggesting the Giants would win that series in 5.

King Hippo

well, he was “gritty” I suppose…but not really a fan favourite

Redshirt

Yeah, he probably didn’t do the research and then when confronted he doubled-down.

...

Just imagine in a conflict between a guy who endured a life-threatening condition at age 20 that ultimately ended his dreams and some random dipshit fan, you defend the fan.

King Hippo

as I oft say, ppl gon’ ppl

/I would be a great homicide juror

...

It’s just wild to me. Fuck fans. They’re morons

King Hippo

There is a very narrow range of acceptable fan-type folk to pal around with. In the #BFIB-world, we refer to the “hot taek” type as our “gas station” fans.

litre_cola

Anyone ever wonder why the Banks family was willing to move Will Smith from the hood in Philly but weren’t willing to shell out a few bucks to help a family member get out of the hood? I mean the Banks’ were quite rich and could probably have spared some, they have a butler for christ sakes.

King Hippo

you would think?

litre_cola

I think that if you can afford a butler then you can give your sister some money to move out of the trouble area where Will was getting in trouble. A new neighboUrhood in Philly would probably be as good as uprooting him and moving across the country away from his mother.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Spanky Datass

I don’t own a X-Mas sweater but I’m doin’ The Carlton Dance.

King Hippo

WARNING! They’s always apparently a wooden spoon at teh end now.

King Hippo

right? I mean, his sister is still all fucked and shit

Redshirt

Well in my opinion about this African American matter…

PSYCHE!

King Hippo

grumble grumble always lookin’ for a handout grumble grumble

King Hippo

this is somewhat akin to the “Professor can build a radio out of a coconut but not a goddamned raft” query re Gilligan’s Island

herodotus450

That was explained in the episode where he made all those coconut condoms instead of a raft.

Spur

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Senor Weaselo

….Flossing?

Wakezilla

I don’t know who she is, but I’d like to get to know her and her excellent corn on the cob eating skills

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, Kim Wexler….AMIRITE?
(I’m gonna hate it when she ded)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7LM6obyuZs

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit, I didn’t do that right I guess.
Alright fuck the spoiler thing. Just don’t click it if you haven’t watched yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Deal breaker!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

hehehe…..

Redshirt

Agreed. I would demand she takes them off right now!

...

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d still bang her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Says the Orioles fan with nothing left to lose.

Mr. Ayo

That scene was incredible. Just watched it last night.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Seriously…we should all have a person who loves us the way Kim loves Jimmy.

Mr. Ayo

IF they don’t kill her off, she should have her own spinoff show.

theeWeeBabySeamus

True dat

King Hippo

In a world where Sweet Dee doesn’t fake exist, she’s my Dream Girl.

Gratliff

Oh shit. New Matt Groening series on Netflix today.

Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

perfect pitch, YUUUUUGGGGGE double play. Call Ron Paul, #BFIB. It’s happening!!!!

litre_cola

Doing an auction draft with friends. We all have never done one before. Tips?

herodotus450

Make sure you stick around after it ends for the super secret rich people only black market auction.

Spur

the brunettes are undervalued

King Hippo

It is fan-fucking-tastic and you will never want to go back. Don’t always bid players you actually want (or NOT want). Mix it up. I also will randomly bid a kicker, backup, or defense early to be an asshole. Be careful bidding on players you don’t want getting their price up (that’s usually the beer talking). Flush the money if someone is hoarding cash.

King Hippo

also, don’t be afraid to go down to just $1 bids (even for like 5 or 6 players, more for me with 20-man roster). Vets ALWAYS end up that way, because they bought when value was there. Much better than leaving money on the table, which is quite embarrassing.

/also lmk your keeper rules if want strategy on that

...

I do an auction format for baseball and I always have my own valuations prepared to both get value on players I think will go late and to bid up players I suspect will get a lot of undue to attention.

It’s a fun format, albeit a long one. The baseball drafts usually take three hours

Mr. Ayo

That’s it? My baseball auctions are at least 8 hours.

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Make a wish.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

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litre_cola

Jason Statham in a shark movie. I don’t know what to think.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Try watching Scooter-Cam (TM)

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Hey tWBS,

If you don’t mind sharing, what did your brother do?

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is probably a bad idea, but fuck it….

He’s been a sociopath his whole life. And a coke addict. His 5th or 6th trip thru rehab, he met a chick. The two of them killed her husband.

He had already damaged our family beyond recognition before that. But in the interim he made a bunch of people whom I’m now supposed to be taking care of. I’m sick of it.

His latest? Today? He seems to think giving out our home address to his prison associates is OK so they can skirt the system and stay in contact when they get transferred. Including his “prison lovers”, whom he seems to think I’m going to help when they have problems. Plus, which my mother does not care to hear about as you can imagine.

He’d been warned. He got himself cut off today, he just doesn’t know yet.

And if one of those assholes rolls down my driveway, they’ll have a shotgun sized hole in them before they can even knock.

Mr. Ayo

Whoa.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah. And that’s the Readers Digest Condensed Version.

...

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Wakezilla

Was just going to post this!

I hope it’s fake because otherwise, that guy committed statutory rape

...

It’s one of those burying the lede situations. If she’s been living with him since she was 16, he was undoubtedly grooming her before that, possibly as early as 14 or 15.

The BSDM probably “disrespects” him because they recognize him as a disgusting predator.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She needs a huge strap-on with him tied up ass up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sandpaper dildo.

...

Honestly having to live with objective proof he’s dumber than the women he women wants to dominate probably hurts him more than a sandpaper dildo ever could

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Depends on how long the pegging lasts.

King Hippo

I’m ok with multiple hurtings.

...

Spoiler: This guy is a spectacular piece of shit

litre_cola

he has lived with a 19 year old for 3 years???

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Boner done dead.

Spur

Folks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Shogun Marcus

‘sup?

Mr. Ayo

Fuck arrows

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it wrong that I REALLY wanna push her in the pool, then save her, and then blame it on someone else?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

No idea why your relationships are never long term.

King Hippo

Butt on the other hand…

theeWeeBabySeamus

From the looks, it would take both hands.
Not that I’m complaining.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Love how she’s in the right position

Wakezilla

Apparently a satellite might have taken pictures of the end of the universe. It’s a shame we’ll never get to that end because what makes it the end? Like, is there a barricade there once you get to the end? Some sort of imaginary wall? Are we actually confined to the universe without being able to go beyond? Are we really just caged animals?

/Starts to feel claustrophobic

litre_cola

Don’t worry the earth is flat, you can go to the edge and stare out in awe – K. Irving

theeWeeBabySeamus

Duke University Education in action.

King Hippo

but what John Calipari does being open and honest is such a SLAP IN THE FACE GUYS!!1111

...

Don’t worry, we’re going to cook to death long before we get the chance to understand that

Senor Weaselo

Was there a restaurant there?