So my oldest sonny boy has shown an interest in cooking so I got him a few “Hello Fresh” thingies. He said he was going give one a go today and I knew that, because he didn’t invite me to join in the process, he wanted to tackle this solo. I said I was going to run some errands. (which I did. There are always errands. Always. Accomplished errands give birth to more errands). As I type, all the windows in the house are open and the ceiling/stove fans are going like gangbusters.
Me: “What happened?”
Him: “Pork has a tendency to burn.”
Me: “………..”
As Julia Child once so famously said, “When one wants to taste a bit of venison tartar, one must go… TO THE GAME!”
KC/ATL:
You were wandering through the streets of Copenhagen and you were famished. A street vendor called out “Kurt Benkert. Get your Kurt Benkert here for only 5 garflods!” Let’s not kid ourselves, 5 garflods for half a Benkert is a steal. So you bought it and asked for mayo on the side because you thought you were ordering frites in Brussels. Where’s your head at these days? The Precious Mahomes was knocked down 4 of the 5 times he tried to pass. [Alex Smith’s puny arm struggles to lift itself to his laughing mouth]
NYG/DET:
You wake up in the middle of the night. You yell, “My bed is all sticky-Spiderman, is that you?” Giants second-string qb responds, “No, it’s me. I’m the one that webbed your bed. I was really nervous.” You reply, “I would be too if Lauletta was that close to my tail.” Kenny Golloway is this year the exact same super sneaky sleeper fantasy pick that he was last year.
BUF/CLE:
Your wet dreams of Diana Nyad swimming the fetid waters of Lake Erie’s eastern shoreline have manifested themselves finally. You feel something like shame. As Mies van der Rohe always said, “Talking less about this game is more than one could hope for”.
MIA/CAR:
Despite James Taylor’s incantations, your mind refuses to go to Carolina. You’d rather stay in the abyss with Freddy N. Will you join him in hugging that horse before the two of you head to the sanitarium? Much like Tannehill’s reputation as a passable qb, it’s still up in the air.
ARI/NO:
The bourbon starts kicking in… Louis Armstrong’s cover of Jimi Hendrix’s “Star Spangled Banner”creates a starchild in your cerebral cortex. “When is it due”?, I ask. “Always”, you growl wordlessly. If you want to follow the Saints O backfield on the twitter, simply type #minkamara, #alvark, #vingram or #karkving into the searchy thing.
Ride the wild animal that is your keyboard. Nameste.
Got damnnnnnnnnnnnn. She seems friendly
Pretending like she has never been there before. 2/10
Not used to that color.
TURBO!
Woah. I didn’t think I could fire another one out, but here I am.
This is your cramp game
Hesus Kristo!
I’d let her turn me down every 5 minutes for an entire week.
At first I thought she was going to light a fart.
Either way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xu3FTEmN-eg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EcjWd-O4jI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ydo78YrMvI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2LAdyE8lEU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQSYo_pC-QA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tIgN7eICn4
The non-millennial (original) version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izQsgE0L450
I’m saddened that no one else has +1’d this.
Goddamned Heathens.
You are a good man with discerning taste. Kudos,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUC2EQvdzmY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC5ca6Hsb2Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_yBUfMGvzc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qycAC_6Bbto
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htl3XWUhUOM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ef1nJWtkprU
the older I get, the more I appreciate their amazeballs artistic merit
Wonger pulls 2 back for the Birdos!!
so, Chosen with the 1s looked prettay…prettay…prettay good!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTunCVWzkFA
WHEW. #BFIB almost blew it. Still have the 9th to finish the job. 3-2 good guys.
Is Joe Buck climaxing?
/Troy just likes to watch
Wait, who’s Troy? Or did you cyber stalk me?
Oh, Aikman. Got it.
/not concussed
//No CTE here
/// Blame the vodka
delayed joke landing WOO!!!
You’re exactly right Hippo!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qSD7eEK9og
So, you are Willy. Suddenly Alf ends up on your doorstep. He eats cats and is a talking uncircumcised penis. Yet you invite him into your house where you have a family and a cat?
If Alf threatened to eat my cat, I’d sell him to government for a meager tax break so they could dissect him and develop some awesome bioweapon from his blood.
If Alf threatened to eat my cat, my cat will have a nice furry blanket to take her sunnaps on.
You could sell his nose to a European porn house. I hear they are big into things like that.
If Alf threatened to eat my cat, I’d pay him with a large stack of unmarked bills.
As a kid, I was into Alf. If I ever perfect time travel and encounter kid me, I’m not sure if I should stop him from watching or slap me upside the head.
“Alright, Redshirt. Here’s the 10 things you did right, and the 1,000 things you really screwed up on.”
The Occam’s Razour answer is that Willy was fucking him.
That explains the name ALF
Alien Likes Felching
There was a shooting in Virginia based on whether Halle Berry should play Aretha in a biopic. No word on whether they also quarreled on the UK’s greatest prime minister.
Only Scarlett Johansson has the acting chops to pull it off.
RESPEK!
Reds won? Wow.
Also, the Reds are getting interesting in their position players. Tonight, they have their starting catcher playing 1B. Couple nights ago, they had a relief pitcher play RF for an inning or two. And both of them didn’t embarrass themselves.
I believe they prefer to be called First Nations Redshirt.
Wow, Bernie Kosar is 1) still alive and 2) looks like shit.
In other news, water is wet.
Is his daughter still doing porn?
gotta get Daddy’s 10am whiskey moneys somehow, amirite?
Miracle Invoker!!
ahem. I mean, chicks, right?
Still my top 5 album from this decade.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9gKVduzVEA
Holy shit, scotchy finally lost it.
/pours one out
//catches poured scotch and drinks it
It’s not gay to be gay for new #DevilMagic relief ace Dakota Hudson, since his name is Dakota, FFS
God, I hate Cubs Twitter.
You know these fans are bitchier and more pessimistic than they were last year? Despite the fact they’re in first and Milwaukee is sputtering along, they’re still apoplectic every time the team loses as if it’s proof they’re a sham team.
This is why I need to watch the Bears this season: they’re absolutely no delusion they’re a good team and I can appreciate that the perception of the team matches with its performance
This sounds exactly like Yankees twitter.
OH NO!!!! WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS BUT WE HAVE FLAWS!!!
Boo, fucking, hoo.
Honestly, if the A’s continue to surge, the M’s don’t fall off, and the Yankees hit a bad stretch, they may not make the playoffs.
As an M’s fan I guarantee that scenario will not happen.
The Mariners are a paper tiger and *shouldn’t* make the playoffs but the 2014 and 2015 Royals were similarly lucky and it worked out for them
M’s and Luck don’t go together.
The way Boone mismanages the bullpen, I have no problem seeing them get passed by SEA and OAK.
At least he has a bullpen to mismanage. The M’s have a closer and NOTHING else.
They’re in the bad stretch now!
they are going to NFC Title Match. minimum
HIPPO Guarantee
/but you’re right, at least folks will appreciate instead of bitch
//don’t be the NL SAWX fans, ain’t nobody got time for that
Wish I knew why you’re so hot on the Ditkas.
Cromulent defense, a coach who understands how to get the ball in space to his two most explosive players (Jordan Howard and folk singer Leonard Cohen), somebody always comes out of nowhere.
They were closer to putting it together last year than people think. As a degenerate, I noticed certain tendencies.
/also I have weird drug-induced visions
I’ve been reduced to drinking Miller Lite. Send help.
“I haven’t seen this much reducing since Robespierre was in charge of the National Razor!”
…
Gah, my Dennis Miller (lite) infestation is back.
Hey Redshirt! I decided to keep Joe Mixon in fantasy, so you have yourself an amigo in arms this year.
/does “Ickey Shuffle”
//shatters pelvis
With that Offensive Line? Okay.
Its high risk, high reward, but if this offense clicks like its supposed to you should be happy.
I read you got Dallas’ o-line coach from last year and the one you let go was a whackadoodle. I’m hoping it’s like Gurley after Fisher left. Plus, he lost 20 lbs.
http://a.espncdn.com/combiner/i?img=/i/headshots/nfl/players/full/3116385.png&w=350&h=254
Alexa is the underdog?
WWE, support your mainstays. That is ridiculous.
Actually, I’m okay with this. Unlike Brock and other part-timers, Rousey seems to want to be there and is actually putting forth an effort. Plus, Alexa isn’t known for her offense, she’s more manipulative and cheating to win.
If this was Charlotte and Asuka, than yeah, they wouldn’t be the underdog.
Fair point. I just don’t see Rhonda getting better on camera to justify this.
Her skillset is fighting. She’s almost like Asuka without the language barrier.
She’ll get better. That’s one advantage of NXT; they get to work out the early debut jitters and we’re seeing a finished product debuting on Raw/Smackdown. With Rousey, she didn’t get that.
And Kenny Anderson gets screwed by the HOF. Again. Geez, having the word “Bengals” next to the name must be a deal breaker. Good Bengals teams have existed too, you know.
Chiefs fans, I’m happy for you.
Do you think Kenny gets to use the N word?
Sorry, that was a troll post. Please ignore.
No problem. I responded in kind.
with his CTE, sheeeeeeeiiiiiit mah ninja!!!
Twitter rules. I just encountered a guy who thought a baseball player who had his career cut short by benign tumors savaging a fan who called that player overrated was unfair because the dude’s prospect status was worthy of an “honest discussion.”
The player, Ryan Westmoreland, had one season in A ball as a 19 year old where he was very good before he had to undergo treatment for tumors in his brain that prevented him from ever playing affiliated baseball again. Baseball America ranked him 21st overall after his one season. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HOT TAKES ABOUT WHETHER HE WAS OVERRATED?!
I fucking hate Cubs Twitter so much
The “Cubs” portion was unnecessary.
How the hell can anyone tell if he overrated? He hardly had a career!
You can argue “What could’ve been…” but not “overrated”. If he was called up to AA in his first year, than maybe, but I’d have to do the research first.
It’s not hard to imagine losing your life’s dream at age 20 and being upset that someone suggesting maybe you were actually shitty to begin with, except for this one dipshit who’s account was based on sneering at players for baserunning mistakes.
On the bright side, this poor kid for one brief moment got to live his dream. The griefer probably didn’t even get within a country mile of his dream job.
Also, baserunning mistakes? Really?! Its Single-A, that’s when they’re taught how to play the game professionally, not how to play it flawlessly. I don’t imagine many scouting reports go “Excellent eye for recognizing pitches. Amazing power. Above average range in defense. But he doesn’t always go from first to third on hit to RF and he was caught out-of-baseline that one time. Cut him!”
The guy only focuses on major league baserunning fuckups, so it’s not like he’s savaging kids. His account is somewhat based on shitting on Ryan Theriot, which I actually endorsed until I saw tonight’s take.
oh God, I called him ThE6iot the year or two he was in #BFIB-land. He would have been out of baseball 4-5 seasons earlier had advanced defensing metrics been more widely accepted. That guy was liquid shit.
The best part of Theriot is that after his time with the Cardinals he said he was on “the right side of the rivalry.”
He also took a dump on the Cubs in 2016 suggesting the Giants would win that series in 5.
well, he was “gritty” I suppose…but not really a fan favourite
Yeah, he probably didn’t do the research and then when confronted he doubled-down.
Just imagine in a conflict between a guy who endured a life-threatening condition at age 20 that ultimately ended his dreams and some random dipshit fan, you defend the fan.
as I oft say, ppl gon’ ppl
/I would be a great homicide juror
It’s just wild to me. Fuck fans. They’re morons
There is a very narrow range of acceptable fan-type folk to pal around with. In the #BFIB-world, we refer to the “hot taek” type as our “gas station” fans.
Anyone ever wonder why the Banks family was willing to move Will Smith from the hood in Philly but weren’t willing to shell out a few bucks to help a family member get out of the hood? I mean the Banks’ were quite rich and could probably have spared some, they have a butler for christ sakes.
you would think?
I think that if you can afford a butler then you can give your sister some money to move out of the trouble area where Will was getting in trouble. A new neighboUrhood in Philly would probably be as good as uprooting him and moving across the country away from his mother.
I don’t own a X-Mas sweater but I’m doin’ The Carlton Dance.
WARNING! They’s always apparently a wooden spoon at teh end now.
right? I mean, his sister is still all fucked and shit
Well in my opinion about this African American matter…
PSYCHE!
grumble grumble always lookin’ for a handout grumble grumble
this is somewhat akin to the “Professor can build a radio out of a coconut but not a goddamned raft” query re Gilligan’s Island
That was explained in the episode where he made all those coconut condoms instead of a raft.
….Flossing?
I don’t know who she is, but I’d like to get to know her and her excellent corn on the cob eating skills
So, Kim Wexler….AMIRITE?
(I’m gonna hate it when she ded)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7LM6obyuZs
Shit, I didn’t do that right I guess.
Alright fuck the spoiler thing. Just don’t click it if you haven’t watched yet.
Deal breaker!
hehehe…..
Agreed. I would demand she takes them off right now!
Cursed image
I’d still bang her.
Says the Orioles fan with nothing left to lose.
That scene was incredible. Just watched it last night.
Seriously…we should all have a person who loves us the way Kim loves Jimmy.
IF they don’t kill her off, she should have her own spinoff show.
True dat
In a world where Sweet Dee doesn’t fake exist, she’s my Dream Girl.
Oh shit. New Matt Groening series on Netflix today.
perfect pitch, YUUUUUGGGGGE double play. Call Ron Paul, #BFIB. It’s happening!!!!
Doing an auction draft with friends. We all have never done one before. Tips?
Make sure you stick around after it ends for the super secret rich people only black market auction.
the brunettes are undervalued
It is fan-fucking-tastic and you will never want to go back. Don’t always bid players you actually want (or NOT want). Mix it up. I also will randomly bid a kicker, backup, or defense early to be an asshole. Be careful bidding on players you don’t want getting their price up (that’s usually the beer talking). Flush the money if someone is hoarding cash.
also, don’t be afraid to go down to just $1 bids (even for like 5 or 6 players, more for me with 20-man roster). Vets ALWAYS end up that way, because they bought when value was there. Much better than leaving money on the table, which is quite embarrassing.
/also lmk your keeper rules if want strategy on that
I do an auction format for baseball and I always have my own valuations prepared to both get value on players I think will go late and to bid up players I suspect will get a lot of undue to attention.
It’s a fun format, albeit a long one. The baseball drafts usually take three hours
That’s it? My baseball auctions are at least 8 hours.
Make a wish.
v
Jason Statham in a shark movie. I don’t know what to think.
Try watching Scooter-Cam (TM)
Hey tWBS,
If you don’t mind sharing, what did your brother do?
This is probably a bad idea, but fuck it….
He’s been a sociopath his whole life. And a coke addict. His 5th or 6th trip thru rehab, he met a chick. The two of them killed her husband.
He had already damaged our family beyond recognition before that. But in the interim he made a bunch of people whom I’m now supposed to be taking care of. I’m sick of it.
His latest? Today? He seems to think giving out our home address to his prison associates is OK so they can skirt the system and stay in contact when they get transferred. Including his “prison lovers”, whom he seems to think I’m going to help when they have problems. Plus, which my mother does not care to hear about as you can imagine.
He’d been warned. He got himself cut off today, he just doesn’t know yet.
And if one of those assholes rolls down my driveway, they’ll have a shotgun sized hole in them before they can even knock.
Whoa.
Yeah. And that’s the Readers Digest Condensed Version.
Was just going to post this!
I hope it’s fake because otherwise, that guy committed statutory rape
It’s one of those burying the lede situations. If she’s been living with him since she was 16, he was undoubtedly grooming her before that, possibly as early as 14 or 15.
The BSDM probably “disrespects” him because they recognize him as a disgusting predator.
She needs a huge strap-on with him tied up ass up.
Sandpaper dildo.
Honestly having to live with objective proof he’s dumber than the women he women wants to dominate probably hurts him more than a sandpaper dildo ever could
Depends on how long the pegging lasts.
I’m ok with multiple hurtings.
Spoiler: This guy is a spectacular piece of shit
he has lived with a 19 year old for 3 years???
Boner done dead.
Folks
‘sup?
Fuck arrows
Is it wrong that I REALLY wanna push her in the pool, then save her, and then blame it on someone else?
No idea why your relationships are never long term.
Butt on the other hand…
From the looks, it would take both hands.
Not that I’m complaining.
Love how she’s in the right position
Apparently a satellite might have taken pictures of the end of the universe. It’s a shame we’ll never get to that end because what makes it the end? Like, is there a barricade there once you get to the end? Some sort of imaginary wall? Are we actually confined to the universe without being able to go beyond? Are we really just caged animals?
/Starts to feel claustrophobic
Don’t worry the earth is flat, you can go to the edge and stare out in awe – K. Irving
Duke University Education in action.
but what John Calipari does being open and honest is such a SLAP IN THE FACE GUYS!!1111
Don’t worry, we’re going to cook to death long before we get the chance to understand that
Was there a restaurant there?