NFL News:
- The Bengals have released safety George Iloka.
- Iloka is due $5.3 million in salary and roster bonuses this season, and it appears GM & Cincinnati local playhouse Scrooge Mike Brown would prefer to pay their second-round rookie Jesse Bates instead.
- Iloka has his own sanguine outlook:
You can’t just say God’s Plan during the good. It’s God’s Plan during the bad and the uncertain. So….. God’s Plan 🙏🏾
— George Iloka (@George_iloka) August 19, 2018
- In a move that clearly bodes well for my ticket resale value, the Seahawks tried to acquire Jacoby Brissett from the Colts.
- They offered a second round pick in 2019, but the Colts want to keep him & his 4-11 2017 record under wraps.
- Seemingly available is Teddy Bridgewater from the Jets.
- The Jets are so impressed with Sam Darnold that they appear willing to part with a QB that could help them if things go into the shitter.
- (Ron Howard voice:) They will.
- It’s because Bridgewater is the more-attractive trade bait.
- Josh McCown is 39 & has a $10 million guaranteed contract.
- Teddy is 25 & worth $5 million plus incentives
- The Jets are so impressed with Sam Darnold that they appear willing to part with a QB that could help them if things go into the shitter.
- Not speaking of collusion or better available players, John Elway is in hot water for allegedly violating a court order in the Kaepernick collusion case.
- When talking about looking for a backup QB – since Paxton Lynch isn’t exactly working out – he was asked about “The Kneeing Bandit” ™
- “Colin had his chance here. We offered him a contract. He didn’t take it. So, as I said it in my deposition, I don’t know if I’ll be legally able to say this, but he’s had his chance to be here. He passed it.”
- The problem is, a month later he made the same deal available to Brock Osweiler without conditions.
- By bringing all of this up at a presser, he violated the court order against public discussion of the case.
- He potentially made the public, and the court, more aware of a conspiracy to keep Kaepernick out of the League.
- It’s not the 1985 baseball collusion case, but any form of paper trail is damaging.
- When talking about looking for a backup QB – since Paxton Lynch isn’t exactly working out – he was asked about “The Kneeing Bandit” ™
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Ravens at Colts – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Game preview:
- It’s Week-2 of the preseason – who fucking cares?!
- It’s Andrew Luck & his broken arm versus Joe Flacco & his soft arm for two series at most.
- Then it’s backups & future CFL Hall of Famers.
- FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
- Little League World Series:
- Southwest vs. Southeast – 8:00PM | ESPN2
- MLB:
- Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet / MLBN
- Astros at Mariners – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1 / MLBN
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
- There’s a bunch of new champions, so the countdown to …
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
… the Royal Rumble (?) has begun.
Flacco versus Luck – HOW CAN TONIGHT GO WRONG?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COAqYlZ-6Ds
Hello. I spent all day at a conference and now have work to do since I couldn’t do it during the conference.
Beer, whisky, or cyanide?
Yes
Is there an unofficial DFO FF league this year? I played in the “Insanity” league 2 years ago and it was….interesting.
TWBS is setting one up. There will be a post soon.
Thanks balls. I wasn’t sure if I was too late in asking.
tried to invite you directly, but my computer is fuxored.
I’ll email you an invite link. Great to have you in. Phrasing.
I got the latest one you sent to my primary email address, but it gave me an error message. I will send you an email to follow up.
PS – time and date are fine with me.
Politics, in the Colin Cowherd style:
Wow. He probably likes Maduro too…
What a piece of shit.
My wife is yelling at the oven timer. It’s not the first time.
(#429 reason why I drink)
/Is doing the Tampa Bay Bucs writeup, due tomorrow at 7am. I haven’t really started due to life getting in the way.
It’s going to be…bad, is what I’m trying to say.
Ask someone on slack if theirs is done and switch time slots.
Maybe copy/paste last years writeup and see if anyone notices?
It’s pretty simple:
Fuck Jameis Winston with a stolen crab leg.
Fin.
I think Hodor just spit on himself
Holy shit, North Surrey (repping Canada) beat Mexico? That’s bananacakes!
My biggest complaint about how Canada does their little league world series tournament is that the city of Surrey is heavily fragmented, but often still reps Canada. If they were to be one team, they’d probably do more damage at this tournament.
Maybe if they had a fringe on top…
Violent drunk. I ended up with a white boy surprised I know Rio Kiley….
Fucking Canucks. I need a ride in Rigina.
I will be there in 2 weeks for LaboUr Day if that helps?
Eat the Regina right and the stream will lead you to Calgary. Then you’re fine
The fuck?
I dont know you…how have you never seen this?!? What is our screening? This is basic shit.
#7 Bert Jones looks not terrible….oh wait that’s Jacoby Brissett. ANOTHER NCSU BRED QB WE DIDN’T DO SHIT WITH?
Shit, now I’m sad. I really wish that was Bert Jones with a very good tan.
Y’ever wonder why it’s “Bert and Ernie” even though Ernie is arguably the more famous one?
Saul’s bringing back errbody.
Is three seasons of slow burn finally paying off?
OH HI SUZY!
*was that loud? it seemed loud … hope i didn’t scare her …*
Suzy!
Neighbor I Haven’t Seen in a While: Hey, how’re you doing?
Me: Hey man. I’m doing alright. Some work issues, but that’s mostly it. How’s everything on your end?
Neighbor: Doing good. Can’t complain.
[Awkward silence as we walk down the stairs]
Neighbor: [Just trying to make conversation]…At least the Chargers are looking better.
Me: What? Don’t tell me that. Don’t ever tell me that!
[Neighbor’s pace his quickened dramatically]
Me: Those traitors need to lose every game!
Neighbor: [Over his shoulder as he’s practically running to his car] Uh huh! Sure!
Me: That’s what happens when–!
[Neighbor slams car door and starts instantly starts engine]
Me: [Suddenly realizing what I did] Wait, no, dude, it’s… [Walking up to car]
[Neighbor drives around me and is gone]
I have a feeling he won’t be talking to me again.
I can’t wait for the episode of LCSS Place where the least-liked neighbor is killed by a blow to the back of the skull and everyone is a suspect until eventually it is figured out that it was a stray golf ball.
Heh, yeah, stray…
The fun reveal will be them identifying the golfer and everyone realizing it was an accident, followed by a post-credits scene where they show LCSS furtively ducking into a dive bar (Silver Fox, I’m thinking) holding an envelope, and shortly afterwards the golfer (tWBS) goes into the very same bar.
Hey, he was killt by a Callaway. I only use Titleist.
You conveniently “found” that in the bush the hole before.
I can’t believe someone didn’t find this……
I am fucking on to you ne’er do wells.
Is this like the ending to Wild Things where we see someone’s penis?
Gimme a sec.
/tries unsuccessfully to unbotton pants
DAMMIT!!!!!!
Death by exploding femurs?
When asked defendant LCSS said someone named BOLTMAN told him to do it, OOOOOOOYeah?
Yeah sure….like you didn’t just push him down the stairs and then bury the body hastily.
Like I would ever… We were already down the stairs at that point!
The Chargers don’t exist. It’s the LA Clippers
Creative TD for the Indy ponies!
GRONK for Tide Pods surprisingly doesn’t talk about all the different flavors. Yes I know that joke is dated.
The classics stay funny for a reason.
New improved lemon-lime.
LamarJackson time!!!
Canada just knocked Mexico out of the LLWS.
At long last, Canada has their Lake Placid.
That time they beat Mexico in the WBC AND in the bench-clearing brawl?
Better Call Saul time, ladies.
Tonight was perfect cooking weather since it wasnt hot/humid as hell. Made this: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1019399-blond-puttanesca-linguine-with-tuna-arugula-and-capers?action=click&module=RecipeBox&pgType=recipebox-page®ion=all&rank=0
That looks funky and spectacular.
It was fantastic.
Blackbirds TD!
John Brown? cool!
There is nothing more strange to me than when I meet a person who has a fully stocked cabinet with nothing but snacks in it that isn’t just full of empty containers that they’re too lazy to throw away. What’s the point of buying snacks if not to immediately consume them? It’s like waiting for the trailers to end to eat popcorn at the movies.
“Why can’t I lose weight faster when I work out as much as I do?” I ask myself as I eat a second PB&J with chips and salsa in a recliner while watching wrestling.
On a related note, how the fuck do people buy wine and have leftovers the next day?
How do people have a handle of whiskey for more than three nights?
Nothing against the man save for his entire Patriots career, but it would have been funny if Vinatieri had pulled his ACL on that meaningless preseason 57 yard kick.
The sniper was definitely not hired by Morten Andersen if that’s what you’re asking.
To switch things up, let’s discuss the slurs signing Adrian Peterson
I mean, I get it. Chris Thompson has really little experience beating these new kids.
Thought Bucs would beat them to it
They switched up their plan.
Hodor looking pretty decent.
Nice Kick, Adam. that woulda earned me a shitload of fantasy points two years ago you fucking asshole.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLQWGoysbgM
Down a rabbit hole tonight…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2JE9KqZ47M
Cool! some music for the commercial breaks. ok!
Marvin Lewis’ career record if ties weren’t so uncommon in the NFL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8bFT4HsLfE
Quentin Nelson “plays the right way”. He’s white-that ability is encoded in the DNA.
Flacco nearly blew out both his knees in one play.
Trying to get out of the way of a carton of chocolate milk?
OK, I admit it, this made me giggle.
CHIP KELLY: I won’t let my kids touch chocolate milk.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, because of your insistence on healthy eating?
CHIP KELLY: Uh, yeah. Sure, that’s why.
Did he do it ELITEly?
Fuck the Clots and the Irsays.
Sorry, it had to be said.
/awaits royalty check from Fozz
The Texas LL unis are basically Astros throwbacks and now I want to root for Texas.
Someone kill me.
Is it cool if I just maim you?
It’s cool with me. Whatever [shrugs]
Rooting for Texas, I deserve more than a good maiming.
– President Anastasio Bustamante
(that’s a smart and funny joke right there)
So I kinda like the Modelo commercial where Anthony Munoz paved the way for other Latinx (sorry) players to play in the NFL.
That said, Roberto Garza looks like a genuinely terrifying badass.
So it looks like Luck is back to normal.
any streams of the game online?
“I prefer live streams. COUNCEL RIGGED”
– D. Trump
Sure, he threw a PICKERCEPTION…but on the plus side, his lungs are still inside his torso.
All right Andrew Luck, don’t make me regret my decision to delay my dog’s walk to watch you HODOR.
Looks like the O-line it still tissue paper…
Aw, death of Hodor still bums me out.
“He deserved better”, which is something you can say about nearly every character on that show.
Except Ramsay Bolton. Getting his face chewed off by his own dogs was exactly what he deserved.
Also, Walder Frey being fed his own sons in a pie before having his throat slit
That scene was fantastic. Arya was fucking terrifying.
Shit, I’m gonna rewatch that tonight.
Also Hot Pie getting a job making pies and presumably living a relatively happy life.
That was a nice moment. Almost as nice as when Ed Sheeran was on for five minutes and then disappeared forever
I had a semi during that scene.
Also when they were flinging poo at Cersei. That’s normal, right?
Totally
“Don’t tell me you’re thinking of drafting Luck in fantasy? Winston has way more upside. smgdh.”
-RTD’s dog
“ANDREW LUCK WITH THE HAND-OFF!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5ikNYY0JgQ
It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.
I really wish one of my son’s team had made the LLWS, instead of sucking, so that I could have worn a mic on one of trips to the mound where I tore someone a new asshole for showing up a teammate.
“The catcher’s not blocking the ball!”
“Try throwing it for a strike instead of burrowing it into the fucking dirt then, genius.”
HORATIO: It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.
HORATIO: It’s too bad Michigan won in the LLWS, because their starting pitcher was the biggest cunt.
RIKKI: You didn’t have to say it twice.
HORATIO: I didn’t.
He plays for Michigan. I thought it was assumed he was a c***.
He didn’t have his jersey tucked into his khakis, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt until he bitched out his catcher.
This Pitcher’s future, brief Minor League Career:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaLdrVWDdQU
Pitcher: The ump’s not giving me the outside corner.
Horatio: Your mom has some nice tits. I intend to cuckold your father tonight. Now let’s play some ball.
Apparently I was wearing a mic at least once.
found a funny:
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
They found the Springfield Mystery Spot!
Is that anything like the female orgasm? I keep looking for that and can’t find it.
That’s a myth, like unicorns, and Eskimos.
I dunno. Its either real or your mother is an excellent actress.
My mom’s Meryl Streep, so….
You fell in the wrong hole
I’ll take “Things I Heard On My Honeymoon” for $400, Alex.
Wow, Acme’s done excellent work with their portable hole technology.
corn whiskey is fucking evil…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DB2ELkIzWQ0
“Fucking evil? At some point you’re going to pay a steep price! Trust me on this.”
-Eva Braun
I guess it’s football season?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojt82RwZL-Q
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxSRtk7ssiY
“I’ve been called a bum before and it never stops hurting.”
– Jim Tomsula, answering a two-part question about his current employment status and the state of the world-renowned bunion on his left heel.
“MMA fighters that can do a back flip? They are the chosen ones that will guide us through the coming Apocalypse!”
-Alex Jones
Apparently, it really works when you take an awful human being doing Nightman cosplay who’s legit great at hurting people and match them up with a less awful human being who’s double jointed. I really wish Rousey wasn’t a Sandy Hook truther so I could actually enjoy what is objectively a very good thing.
I just want to know what the fuck is up with her makeup.
Luckily, she doesn’t have to fight for realsies anymore. She’s not good at it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZmdFsLiGh0
I try to make the “someone should use Holly Holms’ foot as a foreign object” joke as much as possible
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=747-I-6Qat0
Remember the Texas-USC national championship game where ESPN spent like 2 weeks doing nothing but fantasy booking USC against the ’85 Bears and shit just for Vince Young to go off? That’s what the Holm fight was.
Rousey got exposed. Then instead of doing something about it and getting better and coming back and proving herself, she ran scared.
I’m not gonna judge her for cashing in on her name recognition while she still can, but a fighter she is not.
Not into MMA, but that sounds about right. If she fought again and lost, her brand would’ve hurt.
I have it on good authority that she does like Twizzlers.
Not just cashing in. She’s, so far, very good at it, especially being so new, to the point of it being unfair even beyond her being a piece of shit. Getting everything she wants out of life while badmouthing the parents of murdered children as her man gets women performers he doesn’t like booted off major shows. Fuck them so much.
Wheel of Fortune… Tennis Week? Dafuq is this shit?
Repeats.
Iloka is due $5.3 million in salary and roster bonuses this season, and it appears GM & Cincinnati local playhouse Scrooge Mike Brown would prefer to pay their second-round rookie Jesse Bates instead.
Actually it wasn’t Brown this time. This transaction was telegraphed a long time ago. The new D.C. didn’t like the performance of the safeties. They tried to replace him in Free Agency but when they couldn’t sign someone, they drafted Bates. Once he seemed decently goodish, Iloka was as good as gone.
Pope: “I wrote an apology letter!”
Congregation: “Does it include the words ‘laicization’ and ‘excommunication’?”
Pope: “Well, no, but…”
Congregation: “Go back and try again, Your Holiness.”
“I was told that God’s plan was for females to never speak unless spoken to. Are you there, God? It’s me.”
-Mike Pence
“Only mother is allowed to speak”
Hey everybody!
I renewed the Suicide League on ESPN. It’s Eliminator challenge, the group name is DFO Crack Suicide Squad and I don’t think there’s a password.
Get after it!
Suicide League? My first pick is Owen Wilson. He better not fuck it up again.
If only Bourdain had waited a few months…
You’re leaving Luke that wide open? I mean, I’d kill myself right now if my only possible expression was “stupidly bewildered.”
I’m in! Let’s do this thing!
Question of the day: If you are transported into the Star Wars universe, do you automatically understand what Wookies are saying? Or do you have to take a class or something? Seems like everybody manages pretty well.
Goddamnit, Ian, that was supposed to be tomorrow’s question. Today’s was what would happen if a zombie attacked one of the jurors in the Paul Manafort trial.
But the answer to your question is obviously that you’d have to take a class at Wookie U.
THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM!!!!!!
I for one, don’t trust dem wookies….
Wasn’t that covered in the Holiday Special?