[kid’s entertainer walks onto stage to rabid applause]
Entertainer: “HELLO OUT THERE, ALL MY LITTLE POOPSTERS!”
Audience: “HELLO CAPTAIN SHITSTAIN!”
C-Stain: “Oh! It’s so lovely to see all my friends. There’s Dookie in the front row.”
[camera pans to excited child wearing a “Don’t Shit Where You Eat” t-shirt]
C-Stain: “Boy, have I got a wonderful surprise for you today. But first, let’s read the headlines in The Daily Excrement.”
Audience: “YAY!”
C-Stain: [sits down behind cheap imitation of a news desk, dons visor that has #2 in bold letters, speaks in serious voice] “The headlines are as follows. The state of politics in our country? Still shit. Popular culture? Still shit. The environment? Really shitty. Tuition fees? Remarkably shitty. Real estate market? Shitty beyond belief. These have been this week’s news headlines.”
Audience: “AWWWW!”
C-Stain: “But remember, dung bunnies, I still have a surprise for you. But first let’s go to the “Wheel of Stool” sponsored by Waste Management, to find out which personality we’ll be profiling.”
Audience: “SPIN. THAT. TURD.”
C-Stain: [spins] Wow!. Look at that-Deuce McAllister. Huh. [thinks to self, “I’ve been at this a year and a half and Kaka still hasn’t come up!”] Well, food babies, THE DEUCE! played nine seasons for the Saints and rushed for over 6,000 yards averaging 4.3 yards per attempt!”
Audience: “Ooooooooo!”
C-Stain: “You’ve been so patient and now you’re going to be rewarded… with a preseason football game!”
Audience: “BOOOOOOOO!!!”
C-Stain: “Calm down, calm down. [smiles] Did I forget to mention that one of the teams playing is… THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!”
Audience: [erupts] “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
C-Stain: ” Why don’t we go … TO THE GAME!”
Audience: [raucous cheering]
PHILLY/CLEVELAND: [grumbles] You know how I feel.
I haven’t watched a second of this game, but I guarantee the announcers have said “Now this is a game only a coach could love.” at least twice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=O7qNr9zCoG8
I am now quite angry because they managed to make Huckabee-Sanders look kinda hot.
This is not OK.
Hey, I like to see how you look after tasting your bile with every sentence you say.
Every day, my friend. Every fucking day.
😛
This game has a last second Philly TD and blocked XP returned for 2pts feeling to it.
Just turned this on. 5-0?! I knew Cleveland was liquid ass, but, I wasn’t aware the Iggles were relegated to #MACtion.
I don’t think that NSFW. I’ll stare at it for five consecutive minutes to be sure.
I’ll post on Sunday and every Dallas game until we get a ruling.
I like pancakes as much as waffles.
Swoopers
With a nice pooper.
fried eggs on a nail
Check back in 15 years [or childbirth]
Launch the torpedos!!
Maybe one torpedo……?
I have to get up to go to the airport at 4:30, but I really want to see this shitburger end 5-nil.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1MEqGeF3eE
oh thank fuck Missouri State/BDSM State is getting national coverage
Fuck, Marry, Kill.
US Founding Fathers Edition. Go!
I’d get fucked by Thomas Jefferson for having an “exotic look”.
This is where I will insist that Abigail Adams should count!
Dat ass tho.
“Definitely fuck Hamilton.” -Maria Reynolds
“I don’t know about that…” -Aaron Burr
Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Robert A. Heinlein
Marry, fuck, kill
REMEMBERING OUR HEROES
I visited Gettysburg Battlefield today. Cemetery Ridge was the center of the Union line and held firm despite ferocious attacks over four days, and is now the site of dozens of memorials and monuments built after the war, some quite elaborate, that commemorate the individual units and the many men who fought and died on that field in July 1863.
Slightly to the rear of Cemetery Ridge, along the Taneytown Road, is this monument to Batteries B &L of the Second U.S. Artillery who, according to the inscription, didn’t do shit.
Well they did get shot at for a bit there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIpfWORQWhU
Far superior!
/ok yours was also very good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcMh6GZoFC8
Yeah, like I haven’t been told THAT before.
In the 1860s, they took reprimands seriously. They didn’t just write a small note on your record, they literally memorialized it!
Stolen valor! Investigate?
I’ve always wanted to visit Gettysburg and hike Little Round Top. To think how much hung the balance there.
Spend a whole day there, if not a whole weekend. The town of Gettysburg is pretty cool too.
hehehehe
Whadda ya call a hooker with a broken high-heel?
Since it’s not 0%, I’m going to go ahead and say that I’ve done nothing wrong.
Well I’ll never listen to that song the same way again.
It’s a good thing I named my kid feelthenoize
At first I thought it was tWBS date night.
But then he showed up.
Date night is later.
I’m already browsing “films” and lubing up.
Lucky SOB
I sleep now. I had fun. It’s way past my bedtime. Do your thing, eyelids!
I’m going to be visiting Chicago with my dad this weekend to go to a Reds-Cubs game. Any points of interest we should check out or avoid like the plague?
Avoid Chicago.
Oh, good. I’m gonna die!
Naw, the development around Wrigley in the last three(?) years is phenomenal. Enjoy.
I hope so. My dad is mid-60s two years removed from a heart attack. Most our sightseeing is by car.
Also I get to drive from Cincy to Chicago one day and the back the next night. By Sunday night, I expect to be so wired that I can almost make out the green digits in the Matrix code.
oh I was gonna suggest gorging on all the fattening foods for offer there, this is main attraction.
/also GO RED LEGS, helper of Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals!!
(Artist’s concept of Redshirt next week)
A dive bar that I liked was downtown it is called Pippins Tavern. Most bartenders that I dealt with during the day told me to go there at night.
all this penile humour reminds of one of the worst things of being a teenager – waking up at full mast for no goddamned reason, and having to pee like a racehorse. Doing that tapdance of agony whilst you wait like 3 minutes for things to “settle down, Beavis” enough that pissing is biologically possible.
Now, I am 45. I will have emptied my bladder at least once, if not twice during the right already. And let’s face it – it takes quite the specificity for full mast these days. A trip down subconscious lane ain’t gonna do it, beyond the occasional tired semi.
How about being in Marching Band standing at attention, then the cheerleaders show up, especially the ones whose jumped up at a D when their outfits are built for a C? Its kind of hard to march a 15 minute halftime show when you “Detail” is still “At Attention”.
How about… no, no sexy orchestra stories. I mean there was that time where someone was practicing while the conductor was talking and he said “Practicing is for home.” To which the kid replied “No, I’m just enjoying myself.” Which led to “Enjoying yourself is for home.”
Hmmmmm, I thought that was one of the best things about being a teenager.
Never would have learned to handstand (both ways) without that condition.
What the hell was that?! Did they think the clock would go to -1 minute 59 seconds?
If this Thursday Night Football game is any indication for the rest of the 2018 Thursday night games, its gonna be a long season.
White offensive linemen with ridiculous beards make me want to categorize them in a negative light, politics-wise. Yeah, I’m a white guy stereotyping white guys. Maybe the first ever.
I think you are ignoring the fire hazard these present.
Someone ask Aikman who he played against in the Superb Owl
Smallwood got “swallowed up”, and then they were done. Not a lot of staying power there – left ’em unsatisfied just short of the goal.
if he fumbles we get to make a dishonourable discharge joke!
Hehehehe dishonourable discharges, well….yeah never mind Imma not finish this joke.
Isn’t that what Lt Winslow was doing in that parking lot?
What? This joke finished early!
Precisely.
THE WATER IN THE WAS REEEEALLY COLD, DAMN IT!
How much is it killing the Philly denizens NOT to boo?
So how long until Miles Garret gets a season ending injury?
I’m thinking when they’re 7-7, and a game out of first place.
So…2027?
This defense could be good enough to get to 5 or 6 wins…if they quick kick. Like, 4-5 times a week.
That is one sick BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN.
better, the Browns are 15-0 and the NFL is forced to suspend the post season due to Trump
Pecker gets immunity
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/403279-prosecutors-grant-immunity-to-national-enquirer-publisher-in
Sadly, 30(!) years too late for Magic Johnson.
goddamn imgur!!
i cant get it to post
h
ttps://i.imgur.com/sRZqEHe.gifv
Fucking imgur images don’t post right. Sometimes they show up until you refresh, which is even worse than not appearing at all.
I don’t know how Browns got holographic technology, but they really shouldn’t use them as offensive linemen.
That was a pretty intense blitz for a preseason game.
If I didn’t know better, I’d almost think Tyrod Taylor wanted to get hurt again.
It would give him an out from playing for the Browns.
He knows he’s got his sidekick Al to take over if anything goes wrong.
Is he EMO?
EMO Taylor.
EMO Carr approves.
“I throw in to double coverage only because it makes me feel alive.”
*Actually just trying to get back at his parents.
This?
Or this?
This, but only if I had the jaw of a python
And a cool, dry resting place to digest it where no predators can bother you.
2018 in one comic strip.
https://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2018/08/23
I see you still want to say the N-word.
I don’t. I never did. Drop it.
I’m offended by you telling him to drop it.
yeah, don’t make us make you two hate fuck and get it out your system. Ain’t nobody wanna see that. 😀
Is that 68?
chuh chuh!
Can’t we just hate cuddle instead?
if you’re GOOD
Oh, a struggle cuddle.
No.
[would have if you would not have said anything, especially telling what to or not to do]
You brought it up. Again. And all I said was I didn’t understand it.
I was just referring to this:
“I don’t. I never did. Drop it.”
Touche. I was overly defensive in that comment.
When you guys finally end up fucking…
Pretty soon; I just bought the Tub-O-Butter (TM)
Also the goose (Reggie the Goose) is here and drinking whiskey.
Trouble is my microwave is not working.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7-BX4bWYvg
I doubt it. I don’t think Moose would like a little Conservative in him.
rim shot
I agree; conservatives are rubber dicks.
Well the past three years have proved Conservatives are nothing but dildos. They’re giant dicks with no balls in sight.
A couple has a daughter that is still living at home at 30 years old. One day dad come home only to find his daughter fucking the hell out of herself with a vibrator on the living room couch. He leaves. Next day the daughter comes home from the store only to find dad without pants, drinking Jack Daniels with her very own vibrator buzzing away in his ass.
“DAD!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?!”
He replies “Well honey, I’m just having a drink with my new son-in-law.”
@Redshirt – make that three turnovers.
found a funny:
Just yelled “YOU CAN’T RUN FROM YOUR MORTALITY” to a guy jogging by and he fell over
I just love preseason. You get to see players in single-digit numbers make great catches and for a second you think “Holy shit, that kicker/punter/3rd string quarterback is one hell of a slot receiver!”
When you said “single digit numbers” I thought you were talking about the number of notches in Kellen Clemens’ bedpost.
Harsh, but true.
I like that we are Week 7 mean already. Bring us your worst, Goodell!
Smallwood going through the big hole really takes me back to my wedding night
Smallwood has trouble hitting the gash but he has great ball control
Some debate over whether or not he went down early in that run
Smallwood gonna need a doctor after that 3OT, 4 hour game.
Smallwood; a bad morning?
No matter who he plays for, Tyrod Taylor’s poor decision-making will result in him being sacked.
I know its only preseason but should we be concerned that the Browns starters are outplaying the Eagles starters?
Goodness, no. They were gifted two points and two turnovers, and had first and goal from the 1 yard line, and still only have a five point lead.
i see we’re hitting the bottle a little early this week.
the defensing unit has been legit
bahahaha its 5-0!
what is this baseball?
It could be hockey.*
*sorry
HELLO NADA
Does this game count for as a Urban Meyer suspension game?
The cool black dude that delivered my fridge yesterday was from Philly, and he said if Foles sucked ass tonight, he reckoned the Iggles would be forced into rushing Wentz back for Week One.
Unless you want to question the wisdom of the Lowe’s delivery man, we are in line for some hilarious shit.
such as a career ending injury?
leg falling plum off on FedEx “turf”?
Buddy Calhoun? Is that Mr. Burns’ dog’s sibling?
“Wow, you guys are doing great!” – Eagles, patting the Browns on the head in a patronizing fashion.
Folks
No, Foles.
Foles? Fails.
AH! I see Tyrod Taylor’s name won’t be added to the jersey of Browns Starting QBs.
http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/16371464/owner-infamous-browns-qb-name-jersey-retire-it
…if it was active.