Look at me over here, chortling with joy. Man, this takes me back to high school and my first girlie friend. After a few sessions of furtive squeezing and such she said, “this shirt is so uncomfortable”. She got up, took off said shirt and then said, “should I take off my bra too?” and turned away from me. My throat went a bit dry and I mumbled, “yah”. My first peak at real boobs was about to happen-the anticipation of seeing real, soft, milky-white chest appendages was almost too much to endure.
Why do I mention this? Well, as a jaded adult in a world not of my own making there’s very little that cranks my propellers but the start of yet another football season will have to do. Certainly, there’s no real comparison between what 15 year-old me and old-ish, drink-sodden, somewhat functional yours truly was feeling but if I’m able to take you back to a time when breasts were nude and exciting, well, My work here is done. Btw, your mom’s boobs don’t count. Perv. You know what does count? Tonight’s tilt! TO THE GAME!
Falcons vs. Eagles:
You know the old saying, Birds of a feather will play football together? Philly is without Wentz, and wr’s Jeffery and Hollins but that d-line makes up for a lot of shortcomings. Fantasy-wise, you’ve got better options than Nick Foles but te Ertz and Ajayi should get you a few points. On t’udder side you’re starting Julio because you’re not stupid and he’s had 4 straight games against Atlanta with 100+ yards. You should grab De’vonta as well if you have him.* What say I wrap this up? I’m not going to tell anything to anyone that they didn’t already know.
*Minor Rant: Tevin Coleman has got to be one of the top 5 rb’s catching the ball out of the backfield and yet OC Sarkasian saw fit last year to give him 3 or more catches in only 6(!) of 17 games last year. This is Coleman’s last year as a Falcon and he is going to blow up with the team that brings him on board next year. Stupid rant over.
Well, it’s your time to get after it. Do it.
update for Iggles faithful, per Rotowire:
According to Ian Rapoport of NFL Network, Wentz (knee) isn’t expected to return for “several weeks.”
Noooooooo
Oh Linda, she yummy.
Zach Ertz alive after all, eh?
Just like UFOs and other paranormal activity, nobody will ever truly understand the catch rule.
I really enjoyed Grandma’s Boy
I’m thinking about getting metal legs.
That…was a catch
That absolutely was a catch.
Intentional grounding, check!
HOW TO MAKE FAMOUS CHASEN”S CHILI:
Take these:
and turn them into this:
Voila!
Sunday Cliff Notes looks promising.
For the people attacking me for my opinion on adam sandler and the longest yard, please let me defend myself. I’ve come to the conclusion I did. I will lay out my 2 mainpoints, you can feel free to critique as you see fit.
1. I feel there is a lot of undeserved nostalgia for 70s/80s movies. were they great decades of cinema? Of course. But for whatever reason, the post baby boomer generation will argue that any film that came out before they turned 25 is good. for every film like the godfather there’s a film like the towering inferno, which is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination. I feel the original longest yard is not a good film. the football stuff is pretty weak. Burt reynolds does not come across nearly as cool as he does in other films. I see a very distinct parallel between nostalgia of the 70s/80s from older folks and all the “kids” who love shit from the 90s. nostalgia is a powerful drug.
2. I’ve found that Adam sandler gets more shit than he deserves for his work from 2010 onwards. obviously, the “magic” (or whatever the hell you want to call it) from billy madison and happy gilmore, and but the decade or so following that had plenty of decent flicks. Big daddy is a good movie. Mr. Deeds is a good movie. Anger management is a good movie. The water boy is a good movie. the wedding singer is a good movie.
And I will defend Little nicky as a great movie to the death, and I feel it serves as a great litmus test to see if someone has a stick up their ass.
Call everything post 2010 for the shit it is. jack and jill, grown ups, that’s my boy? all shit, sandler knows its shit, he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore, he knows he can coast the rest of his career on his past success. but that doesn’t mean his prior work is worth less. I don’t recall anyone saying godfather was a shitty movie because you didn’t like brando in “island of dr. moreou”
thus my opinion of the 2005 remake of the longest yard being superior to the original. its definitely more funny, as it has a great commitment to humor in the script (remember the entire movie premise is absurd) and actually does a more convincing job of showing a bit of humility to the protagonists.
gentlemen, your rebuttal?
Happy Gilmore was a great movie. As was Waterboy. I have no opinion on the rest of your manifesto.
Little Nicky is, unfortunately, a shit movie. And I can prove it via science. Some movies are hilarious when you’re sober. Some are hilarious only when you’re drunk. Some are hilarious only when you’re stoned.
I have seen Little Nicky three times, in all three states, and did not laugh a single time.
I’m sorry, but you just can’t argue with science.
(I am not proud of having seen this movie three times, FWIW.)
you didn’t even like rodney dangerfield?
I WORKED ON LITTLE NICKY OF COURSE IT SUCKS
Adam Sandler’s earlier work was also shit. I agree that I see no difference between early and latter stage shit.
Wedding Singer is one of my favourite movies. The Waterboy is great too. I disagree that Happy Gilmore is the only good Adam Sandler movie.
Has this game gotten so bad (yeah sure…”gotten”) that we’re debating Adam Sandler movies?
Holy shit, the apocalypse is near.
Big Daddy and 50 First Dates.
Otherwise, suck it.
Oooh, 50 First Dates is good too.
You just wanna fuck Drew Barrymore.
That’s just common sense and good taste, though.
Yes, yes it has.
As I recall it happens all the time; good game or bad. The fucking bitching is in mid-season form already though.
But I digress; bitching about bitching.
Click is a good movie, according to Hermana Weaselo. I haven’t seen it.
It was so bad I turned it off halfway through. And I’m saying this as someone who’s somehow sat through all of Little Nicky three times.
Funny and humor are entirely subjective; laughing is a mostly automatic response to what tickles your brain. I don’t like Sandler at all and don’t laugh at him or his movies, but who cares? You probably don’t think 90% of the shit I think is funny humorous at all. Go download some A.S. movies and laugh your ass off; because that may be the only joy we can get for a while. I’d rather have you laugh than argue about what is funny or not.
Adam Sandler is a pimple on cinema.
/sips varnish from tracup
But he seems like a righteous guy.
Someone put on Eight Crazy Nights one time. The host and hostess fell asleep on the couch and I just started riffing. As these were the host’s friends (I’ve friends with the hostess) they didn’t follow along.
many flat screens just got set on fire
…AND EDUCAMACATION!!!!!
…AND BASIC HYGIENE!!!!!
I’m out…out of beer and patience.
Good job NFL…I am ready for the off season. ready…
Yes!
Who wants to bring me dinner?
Sure! Any food allergies?
Stay away from shellfish.
Way to recycle the jealously
Hehehehe. Honestly, aside from dietary restrictions, I’m more or less Hebrew at this point.
But I do likes me some shrimp, and some burgers w/ the cheese.
Showoff.
it can be both.
Circumcised?
You asking foar you?
I know just the girl for you!
/Come on, you laughed
Yeah, I did.
Oh, lookit you showing off yer Steakburger again.
Nevah! Oysters 4lyfe!
I don’t eat cats, just pussy.
You must be STARVING.
/canr stop laughing
Wish I could. You’ve no idea.
….where the heck you live again? northside?
…I left Chicago nearly 20 years ago. In LA now.
so….. not the northside then?
Tim Tebow can see into your soul
Time to watch some halftime nerd shit.
the fans of the SUPERB OWL CHAMPIONS seriously booing the team off at halftime??
WIP CALLER ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
It’s Philly.
That’s a victimless foul.
This halftime score is going to read like the gold medal basketball game results from the Special Olympics.
ENDOT! HOCH HECH!
Better idea for first-game-of-the-year-gimmick: lowest total salary team vs highest total salary team.
This really is the perfect shitshow kickoff to a shitshow league.
Bad football is bad.
If the Eagles don’t score a TD before halftime is Doug Pederson still the greatest offensive mind of our time or is he back to being remembered (by me) as the guy Favre spend half a decade fucking with on the sideline?
please let us have a fair catch free kick off the punt!
11 seconds!
THIS IS SPORT!
Sounds like Al Michaels got a new thesaurus during the off season but spilled a bottle of rum on the important part of it. Then rang out the pages into a glass which he is drinking from right now.
God bless that man.
Fuck Joe Buck.
Also buck Joe Fuck.
SPOILER! He wrote the NYT Op-ed
Oh shit, my food is burning I think.
DAMMIT PHILLY!!!!!!!
SO. MUCH. BLEERGH.
HAIL BLEERGH
FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD
if nae else, this has been a GREAT infomercial for Our Lord
Am I a Philly fan? No.
Am I pissed the dude didn’t make that pick? Yes.
*Checks fantasy*
Yes! No pick!!
Yeah, I see you hedging and hoping Bell signs and plays. Hehehehe.
Worth it in a free league
Agreed. I’ve been trynna decide between Funchess and McCoy in the flex all day today. Then I decided, who the fuck cares?
am out. Later Folks
“Honey…we have talked about this…this is why the door jams have streaks”
One Trick Nick
Relying on drops is one of the strengths of the Falcons defense? Sounds right.
Foles is not….he’s not….he’s not good.
The Super Bowl MVP is a bad is a very fair statement in 2018
Inorite??????
– J. Flacco
I keep forgetting that it was McStabby was the first Ravens Superbowl MVP and not Trent Dilfer.
McStabby just didn’t get the Disney commercial because black people aren’t allowed in that part of Florida.
Isn’t that all of Florida but the black parts of Miami? And the athletic dorms in Gainesville, obvs
If your name is Jameis Winston, Tallahassee ain’t a bad place to live, apparently.
Timmy Smith’s ears start burning
Seriously, where was this shit in February?
FUCKING SERIOUSLY
Jesus
At some point I’d expect defensive players to just say fuck it, go all out on hitting the quarterback and trade your 15 yard penalty for knocking him out of the game.
hoping this happens one fateful day in foxboro
And Green Bay.
What is even happening anymore?
Wow, that’s a shitty rule.
PRAISE BE TO BLEERGH
what in the hell
I no longer know the rules of football
Good remakes… what are they?
Only one I can think of is “Cape Fear” with Robert Deniro. The original is good. The remake is better.
I cannot think of a single other film. I know there are….I am drawing blanks.
I liked Red Dragon more than Manhunter.
And I really, really enjoyed Manhunter.
red dragon is fucking awesome, and its a shame how forgotten its become.
The Fly and The Thing, 1980s remakes of 1950s sci-fi films, were both superior to the originals.
Agreed. John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favorite movies ever.
And I would argue the Blob as well.
I kind of blacked out the whole 1950’s to 80’s remake era.
Ghostbusters
Play, knee brace commercial, sack, field goal, commercial, kickoff, 1 play, 2 minute warning commercial.
THE SAFETY GODS MUST BE APPEASED!
for we can dance if we wann-oo
or nae (bullshit call)
Cool Story Bro story of the week:
I got dragged by my GF to a three day Dave Matthews Band concert in the Gorge Amphitheater (actually a stunning venue). We camped with like 15,000 people for 4 days. I tried mushrooms for the first time. It was enjoyable. This was last weekend, Labor Day.
Oh shit there’s an edit button!
Maybe you’re still tripping, still there, and imagining all of this.
Hey, I know I missed the start of the game, but did Arthur Blank kneel during the anthem?
three days of Dave Fucking Matthews? Some kind of CIA torture experiment?
They wanted to find out if the audience could kill Dave Matthews with their minds.
It was unsuccessful.
It’s apparently a thing. Thank Bleergh for drugs.
Indeed, good man and cartoon dog!
I did some shroom for the first time in about 35 years this summer. It was fun, but I think I’ll wait a few more years before doing them again. Seems kinda silly for a 60 year old man to sit down and trip out on Koyaanisqaatsi.
Great flick. Everyone should see it. Tripping or not.
a BLEERGH on top of that shittastic return?
And so the NFL died. Not in a blaze of fury, but in the soft farts and snores of fat drunks bored out of their skulls.
meh, I am still watch and I shall until the end. RedZone Sunday will not bore me!
No, people will keep it alive by constantly bitching about it.
I mean, it’s still broadly and deeply (by both measures) the most popular sport in America by a fuckload, so it has to punch itself in the dick a lot harder and longer than even Goodell can manage to harikiri
Needs 3 or 4 extemporaneous, disconnected sentences (Mike Tyson Mysteries-style) to be perfect, but this is even better than Catler’s
Where the hell were those people road tripping where a single caribou was out on the road?
Also I might be way behind.
spoiler: Jesse Owens wins gold
Hitler was TOTES JELLY, and kept side-eyeing his cock