Your “O Frabjous Day! Callooh! Callay!” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Look at me over here, chortling with joy. Man, this takes me back to high school and my first girlie friend. After a few sessions of furtive squeezing and such she said, “this shirt is so uncomfortable”. She got up, took off said shirt and then said, “should I take off my bra too?” and turned away from me. My throat went a bit dry and I mumbled, “yah”. My first peak at real boobs was about to happen-the anticipation of seeing real, soft, milky-white chest appendages was almost too much to endure.

Why do I mention this? Well, as a jaded adult in a world not of my own making there’s very little that cranks my propellers but the start of yet another football season will have to do. Certainly, there’s no real comparison between what 15 year-old me and old-ish, drink-sodden, somewhat functional yours truly was feeling but if I’m able to take you back to a time when breasts were nude and exciting, well, My work here is done. Btw, your mom’s boobs don’t count. Perv. You know what does count? Tonight’s tilt! TO THE GAME!

Falcons vs. Eagles:

You know the old saying, Birds of a feather will play football together?  Philly is without Wentz, and wr’s Jeffery and Hollins but that d-line makes up for a lot of shortcomings. Fantasy-wise, you’ve got better options than Nick Foles but te Ertz and Ajayi should get you a few points. On t’udder side you’re starting Julio because you’re not stupid and he’s had 4 straight games against Atlanta with 100+ yards. You should grab De’vonta as well if you have him.* What say I wrap this up? I’m not going to tell anything to anyone that they didn’t already know.

*Minor Rant: Tevin Coleman has got to be one of the top 5 rb’s catching the ball out of the backfield and yet OC Sarkasian saw fit last year to give him 3 or more catches in only 6(!) of 17 games last year. This is Coleman’s last year as a Falcon and he is going to blow up with the team that brings him on board next year. Stupid rant over.

Well, it’s your time to get after it. Do it.

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King Hippo

update for Iggles faithful, per Rotowire:

According to Ian Rapoport of NFL Network, Wentz (knee) isn’t expected to return for “several weeks.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Noooooooo

ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Linda, she yummy.

King Hippo

Zach Ertz alive after all, eh?

The Maestro

Just like UFOs and other paranormal activity, nobody will ever truly understand the catch rule.

ballsofsteelandfury

I really enjoyed Grandma’s Boy

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WCS

I’m thinking about getting metal legs.

King Hippo

That…was a catch

Mr. Ayo

That absolutely was a catch.

Senor Weaselo

Intentional grounding, check!

Brick Meathook

HOW TO MAKE FAMOUS CHASEN”S CHILI:

Take these:
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and turn them into this:
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Voila!

Mr. Ayo

Sunday Cliff Notes looks promising.

Brocky

For the people attacking me for my opinion on adam sandler and the longest yard, please let me defend myself. I’ve come to the conclusion I did. I will lay out my 2 mainpoints, you can feel free to critique as you see fit.

1. I feel there is a lot of undeserved nostalgia for 70s/80s movies. were they great decades of cinema? Of course. But for whatever reason, the post baby boomer generation will argue that any film that came out before they turned 25 is good. for every film like the godfather there’s a film like the towering inferno, which is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination. I feel the original longest yard is not a good film. the football stuff is pretty weak. Burt reynolds does not come across nearly as cool as he does in other films. I see a very distinct parallel between nostalgia of the 70s/80s from older folks and all the “kids” who love shit from the 90s. nostalgia is a powerful drug.

2. I’ve found that Adam sandler gets more shit than he deserves for his work from 2010 onwards. obviously, the “magic” (or whatever the hell you want to call it) from billy madison and happy gilmore, and but the decade or so following that had plenty of decent flicks. Big daddy is a good movie. Mr. Deeds is a good movie. Anger management is a good movie. The water boy is a good movie. the wedding singer is a good movie.

And I will defend Little nicky as a great movie to the death, and I feel it serves as a great litmus test to see if someone has a stick up their ass.

Call everything post 2010 for the shit it is. jack and jill, grown ups, that’s my boy? all shit, sandler knows its shit, he just doesn’t give a fuck anymore, he knows he can coast the rest of his career on his past success. but that doesn’t mean his prior work is worth less. I don’t recall anyone saying godfather was a shitty movie because you didn’t like brando in “island of dr. moreou”

thus my opinion of the 2005 remake of the longest yard being superior to the original. its definitely more funny, as it has a great commitment to humor in the script (remember the entire movie premise is absurd) and actually does a more convincing job of showing a bit of humility to the protagonists.

gentlemen, your rebuttal?

Mr. Ayo

Happy Gilmore was a great movie. As was Waterboy. I have no opinion on the rest of your manifesto.

The Maestro

Little Nicky is, unfortunately, a shit movie. And I can prove it via science. Some movies are hilarious when you’re sober. Some are hilarious only when you’re drunk. Some are hilarious only when you’re stoned.

I have seen Little Nicky three times, in all three states, and did not laugh a single time.

I’m sorry, but you just can’t argue with science.

The Maestro

(I am not proud of having seen this movie three times, FWIW.)

Brocky

you didn’t even like rodney dangerfield?

Brick Meathook

I WORKED ON LITTLE NICKY OF COURSE IT SUCKS

King Hippo

Adam Sandler’s earlier work was also shit. I agree that I see no difference between early and latter stage shit.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wedding Singer is one of my favourite movies. The Waterboy is great too. I disagree that Happy Gilmore is the only good Adam Sandler movie.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Has this game gotten so bad (yeah sure…”gotten”) that we’re debating Adam Sandler movies?
Holy shit, the apocalypse is near.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Big Daddy and 50 First Dates.
Otherwise, suck it.

ballsofsteelandfury

Oooh, 50 First Dates is good too.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You just wanna fuck Drew Barrymore.

The Maestro

That’s just common sense and good taste, though.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, yes it has.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

As I recall it happens all the time; good game or bad. The fucking bitching is in mid-season form already though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But I digress; bitching about bitching.

Senor Weaselo

Click is a good movie, according to Hermana Weaselo. I haven’t seen it.

The Maestro

It was so bad I turned it off halfway through. And I’m saying this as someone who’s somehow sat through all of Little Nicky three times.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Funny and humor are entirely subjective; laughing is a mostly automatic response to what tickles your brain. I don’t like Sandler at all and don’t laugh at him or his movies, but who cares? You probably don’t think 90% of the shit I think is funny humorous at all. Go download some A.S. movies and laugh your ass off; because that may be the only joy we can get for a while. I’d rather have you laugh than argue about what is funny or not.

Don T

Adam Sandler is a pimple on cinema.
/sips varnish from tracup
But he seems like a righteous guy.

Senor Weaselo

Someone put on Eight Crazy Nights one time. The host and hostess fell asleep on the couch and I just started riffing. As these were the host’s friends (I’ve friends with the hostess) they didn’t follow along.

fleshwound_NPG

many flat screens just got set on fire

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

…AND EDUCAMACATION!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

…AND BASIC HYGIENE!!!!!

JustStopDude

I’m out…out of beer and patience.

Good job NFL…I am ready for the off season. ready…

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who wants to bring me dinner?

Mr. Ayo

Sure! Any food allergies?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Stay away from shellfish.

Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Way to recycle the jealously

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehehe. Honestly, aside from dietary restrictions, I’m more or less Hebrew at this point.

theeWeeBabySeamus

But I do likes me some shrimp, and some burgers w/ the cheese.

Brick Meathook

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Showoff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

it can be both.

ballsofsteelandfury

Circumcised?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You asking foar you?

Senor Weaselo

I know just the girl for you!
/Come on, you laughed

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I did.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh, lookit you showing off yer Steakburger again.

Mr. Ayo

Nevah! Oysters 4lyfe!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t eat cats, just pussy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You must be STARVING.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

/canr stop laughing

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wish I could. You’ve no idea.

Brocky

….where the heck you live again? northside?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

…I left Chicago nearly 20 years ago. In LA now.

Brocky

so….. not the northside then?

Brick Meathook

Tim Tebow can see into your soul
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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makeitsnowondem

Time to watch some halftime nerd shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

the fans of the SUPERB OWL CHAMPIONS seriously booing the team off at halftime??

WCS

WIP CALLER ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s Philly.

makeitsnowondem

That’s a victimless foul.

The Maestro

This halftime score is going to read like the gold medal basketball game results from the Special Olympics.

Claymaker

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WCS

ENDOT! HOCH HECH!

herodotus450

Better idea for first-game-of-the-year-gimmick: lowest total salary team vs highest total salary team.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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MikeWallaceAndGromit

This really is the perfect shitshow kickoff to a shitshow league.

Sharkbait

Bad football is bad.

Claymaker

If the Eagles don’t score a TD before halftime is Doug Pederson still the greatest offensive mind of our time or is he back to being remembered (by me) as the guy Favre spend half a decade fucking with on the sideline?

King Hippo

please let us have a fair catch free kick off the punt!

King Hippo

11 seconds!

JustStopDude

THIS IS SPORT!

herodotus450

Sounds like Al Michaels got a new thesaurus during the off season but spilled a bottle of rum on the important part of it. Then rang out the pages into a glass which he is drinking from right now.

Mr. Ayo

God bless that man.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Joe Buck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also buck Joe Fuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

SPOILER! He wrote the NYT Op-ed

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh shit, my food is burning I think.
DAMMIT PHILLY!!!!!!!

fleshwound_NPG

SO. MUCH. BLEERGH.

Sharkbait

HAIL BLEERGH

MikeWallaceAndGromit

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD

King Hippo

if nae else, this has been a GREAT infomercial for Our Lord

theeWeeBabySeamus

Am I a Philly fan? No.
Am I pissed the dude didn’t make that pick? Yes.

Sharkbait

*Checks fantasy*

Yes! No pick!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I see you hedging and hoping Bell signs and plays. Hehehehe.

Sharkbait

Worth it in a free league

theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed. I’ve been trynna decide between Funchess and McCoy in the flex all day today. Then I decided, who the fuck cares?

Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

am out. Later Folks

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JustStopDude

“Honey…we have talked about this…this is why the door jams have streaks”

MikeWallaceAndGromit

One Trick Nick

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Relying on drops is one of the strengths of the Falcons defense? Sounds right.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Foles is not….he’s not….he’s not good.

Gratliff

The Super Bowl MVP is a bad is a very fair statement in 2018

theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite??????

– J. Flacco

JustStopDude

I keep forgetting that it was McStabby was the first Ravens Superbowl MVP and not Trent Dilfer.

McStabby just didn’t get the Disney commercial because black people aren’t allowed in that part of Florida.

King Hippo

Isn’t that all of Florida but the black parts of Miami? And the athletic dorms in Gainesville, obvs

The Maestro

If your name is Jameis Winston, Tallahassee ain’t a bad place to live, apparently.

King Hippo

Timmy Smith’s ears start burning

Sharkbait

Seriously, where was this shit in February?

The Maestro

FUCKING SERIOUSLY

Gratliff

Jesus

herodotus450

At some point I’d expect defensive players to just say fuck it, go all out on hitting the quarterback and trade your 15 yard penalty for knocking him out of the game.

fleshwound_NPG

hoping this happens one fateful day in foxboro

Col. Duke LaCross

And Green Bay.

Sharkbait

What is even happening anymore?

Mr. Ayo

Wow, that’s a shitty rule.

WCS

PRAISE BE TO BLEERGH

fleshwound_NPG

what in the hell

Gratliff

I no longer know the rules of football

JustStopDude

Good remakes… what are they?

Only one I can think of is “Cape Fear” with Robert Deniro. The original is good. The remake is better.

I cannot think of a single other film. I know there are….I am drawing blanks.

WCS

I liked Red Dragon more than Manhunter.

And I really, really enjoyed Manhunter.

Brocky

red dragon is fucking awesome, and its a shame how forgotten its become.

Viva La Tabula Raza

The Fly and The Thing, 1980s remakes of 1950s sci-fi films, were both superior to the originals.

WCS

Agreed. John Carpenter’s The Thing is one of my favorite movies ever.

JustStopDude

And I would argue the Blob as well.

I kind of blacked out the whole 1950’s to 80’s remake era.

herodotus450

Ghostbusters
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herodotus450

Play, knee brace commercial, sack, field goal, commercial, kickoff, 1 play, 2 minute warning commercial.

Sharkbait

THE SAFETY GODS MUST BE APPEASED!

King Hippo

for we can dance if we wann-oo

King Hippo

or nae (bullshit call)

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Cool Story Bro story of the week:

I got dragged by my GF to a three day Dave Matthews Band concert in the Gorge Amphitheater (actually a stunning venue). We camped with like 15,000 people for 4 days. I tried mushrooms for the first time. It was enjoyable. This was last weekend, Labor Day.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Oh shit there’s an edit button!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Maybe you’re still tripping, still there, and imagining all of this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, I know I missed the start of the game, but did Arthur Blank kneel during the anthem?

King Hippo

three days of Dave Fucking Matthews? Some kind of CIA torture experiment?

theeWeeBabySeamus

They wanted to find out if the audience could kill Dave Matthews with their minds.
It was unsuccessful.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

It’s apparently a thing. Thank Bleergh for drugs.

King Hippo

Indeed, good man and cartoon dog!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I did some shroom for the first time in about 35 years this summer. It was fun, but I think I’ll wait a few more years before doing them again. Seems kinda silly for a 60 year old man to sit down and trip out on Koyaanisqaatsi.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Great flick. Everyone should see it. Tripping or not.

King Hippo

a BLEERGH on top of that shittastic return?

ballsofsteelandfury

And so the NFL died. Not in a blaze of fury, but in the soft farts and snores of fat drunks bored out of their skulls.

King Hippo

meh, I am still watch and I shall until the end. RedZone Sunday will not bore me!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, people will keep it alive by constantly bitching about it.

King Hippo

I mean, it’s still broadly and deeply (by both measures) the most popular sport in America by a fuckload, so it has to punch itself in the dick a lot harder and longer than even Goodell can manage to harikiri

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brocky

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Needs 3 or 4 extemporaneous, disconnected sentences (Mike Tyson Mysteries-style) to be perfect, but this is even better than Catler’s

Claymaker

Where the hell were those people road tripping where a single caribou was out on the road?

Claymaker

Also I might be way behind.

herodotus450

spoiler: Jesse Owens wins gold

King Hippo

Hitler was TOTES JELLY, and kept side-eyeing his cock

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