And we’re not tilting at windmills, friends-this be the real thing and all. I trust you have a very many intoxicants and mood-enhancers at arm’s length, that you’ve finished tying the children up in the basement, (or crawlspace, either one is fine) handed the wife a few 20’s and said, “you haven’t seen [insert frenemy here] in such a long time-why don’t you invite her out to brunch?” You’re a regular Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, aren’t you? It’s your way or the highway-you’re not gonna watch the games with a bunch of damn collectivists. “It’s too important a day for ‘people'”, you say to yourself. “One must strike out on one’s own. Establish the trail. Go it alone. Stand tall.”
Damn, that was one fine #feverdream, wasn’t it? Just do what you do, barge into the comments as you see fit and make with the funny. TO THE GAMES!
Steelers/Brownies:
Did you stash James Connor at the end of your fantasy bench because you’re a sneaky weasel? Well done. Tire Rod gets the start in Cleveland and talent-wise the cupboard isn’t its usual bare shelf. It might be enough vs. a Bell-less Pitt team.
Bengalis/Colts:
Things are looking up in Indy now that Mr. Luck is back behind center. Starting rb Mack is out however but is he really going to carry the load this year? The backfield just looks very thin to me.
Titans/Fins:
Them Titans are putting together the old “Thunder and Lightning” backfield duo of Derrick Henry and Dion Lewis. Personally, I expect Henry to have a monster season in 2018 after being robbed of carries by the battered shell of DeMarco Murray last year.
Niners/Vikers:
Jimmy G’s short-passing game plan vs. the aggressive Minny D went out the window when rb MacKinnon blew an axle. In steps the very adequate journeyman Alfred Morris and the untested Matt Breida. That’s a step back, for sure.
Texans/Pats:
Last year Houston barely lost 36-33 to a Brady that was looking to go long to Cooks and Gronk. The pressure applied by the Texans d-line made the game close. I’m sure they’ll go back to the well game-planning-wise while the Pats feature a dink and dunk game with Burkhead, Hogan and some undrafted guy from East Boston Tech. Pats win.
Bills/Ravens:
Buffalo, this is Nathan Peterman’s team now. Govern yourselves accordingly.
Jags/Giant:
Much yackety-yakking focuses around the Old Dirty Beckham/J. Ramsey tete-a-tete but I think the key will be te Engram on lb Gipson. Gipson is a fine player but he doesn’t have the speed to keep up with Engram. He’s got that in common with every other lb in the league. Yes, the Giants O appears to be more dynamic (and more importantly) free of the influence of the Coughlin/MacAdoo mindset that resided there for so long. That said, if I see a delayed draw play on a 3rd and long obvious passing down I will murder everything on my street. Grandmothers, toddlers, puppies… I don’t care. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
It’s all yours now.
https://gfycat.com/UncomfortableCanineAmericancrocodile
I was expecting the reveal to be that it was actually a guy.
Did not know Harvardback was on the Bucs
WIth the intense taeks that will kick up again over anthem protests today, here’s a story from a few days ago where a 17 year old was detained by secret service and escorted by police out of a trump rally because he didn’t show enthusiasm during a pep rally our fragile commander in chief threw to distract himself from the hellscape that is his administration.
https://billingsgazette.com/news/government-and-politics/plaidshirtguy-at-trump-rally-is-a-billings-high-schooler/article_bb742b54-9f0e-5e77-86f1-c5a36d7cd3bd.html
It would be funny as shit if more people started doing this (just making ridiculous faces behind him) but they are probably going to be super-careful from here on out over how they vet people they put back there.
People need to wake the fuck up. This is serious shit. Authoritarianism is no longer creeping.
This is really a non-story IMO. If you stand behind the President, even the fucking moron currently holding the office, making weird faces for several minutes, you’re going to have a conversation with the Secret Service. They brought him in, asked him what he was up to, he told them, they let him go.
My Leveon Bell replacement today is DJ Moore. That should end well.
https://twitter.com/nickwiger/status/1038623971187380224
Dear GAMBLOR,
Please let my daily picks pay off
Amen
When you said “daily picks” I thought you were talking about my morning nostril-clearing routine.
FOAR you (except the P*ts stuff):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMiFPHWQ5Yw
There shall be dancing in the streets today. Happy football folks!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_ijc7A5oAc
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
Yeah, Marx and Lenin should have been TOTES GRATEFUL for the situations they found themselves in. You owned teh libs fo sho!
Also, a putative NFL Commissioner “Uncle Joe” Stalin would know how to handle TRUE INGRATES like Trotskyiite Scum Chris Longovich, da comrades?
Indeed.
WHEEL! OF! GULAG!!
Context (Long’s tweet was a reply to this):
I am here for the Kirk Cousins faceplant and it will be marvelous
Hippo has $50 ML on this very lack of belief in Cap’n Dingleberry. That glass ceiling is coming the fuck down, Janeane!
Speaking of, since we have no legit pre-game options, a thought exercise for clubhouse:
Teams you expect to improve significantly:
Mines: Bearistocrats!, Gigantes, Tomsulas, #ThePauls, Jest (by default, but still), Bengals
Teams you expect to fall the fuck apart:
Mines: Iggles, Vikes, Panthers, Stillers, Bills, Raiders
I fear my Jaguras will nawt repeat last year’s performance.
I am feeling RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! v. Jaguras Superb Owl, but I am probably meme-biased.
Bears will disappoint. It’s what they do.
You’re not wrong, but do you mind handing me that D cell battery?
I think this is the year that the Patriots *finally* fucking start to fall off.
Your lips (typing fingers?) to Chthulu’s ear appendages!
Titans are going to make the playoffs. The Chefs will not.
Browns will be better this year.
Steelers will fall if they become a one dimensional passing team.
even the Yinzers at my auction expected #ThePauls to be a real factor this season. Sommet is really going on.
The Vikings will be fine. That defense is insane.
The fuck Lions are my surprise pick this year and Carolina should win the South.
Raiders and Chefs will disappoint.
ARI will meet expectations.
Which is to suck ass.
Jesus, I definitely checked out after the SB win. I thought Coughlin was gone?
what is unded may NEVAR die (see Snyder, Bill)
But Al Davis ded right?
He’s wearing his kid as a skin-suit.
Story checks out, if you imagine red hair.
?w=390&h=500
don’t get Pete Carroll started on THAT
Stop being an asshole Router!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWZzMTwLq1k
was not expecting this album to be so good.
must to put teh text before teh link
Superb Owl pick.
Panthers to make a miracle run and win the Superb Owl over the Steelers
Dallas is going to be a dumpster fire with no lineman.
you picked two sides I expect to fall apart and be like 7-9 at best
/what I am saying, is bet on the NBA-lovin’ weirdo
Spur is Marv Albert?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv1kApvEPiY
Never bite the back that lays ya.
I have started mah #GameDay routine of survival! OK, fuck you, every day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_rCRgu9qTg
WHERE IS RedZone Fantasy show?? Fuck You Face, I will nae watch anything else, pre-game wise.
What the fuck is Michael Irvin wearing? I think his tailor got a hold of some bed sheets.
Maybe the tailor mis-understood Irvin’s opinion on Spike Lee’s Black Klansman?
ESPN has 50+ channels would it kill them to have a Sunday morning CFB highlight show?
Imaginary Internet Friends! I bid you all a fantastic Week One!
Chores are done. Beer in fridge ready for consumption.
Let’s do this.
Last week and weekend it was 90+, but with the tropical storm passing way the fuck up here in fat humpia it has fucked the weather so much I got the heater on and it’s gonna be in the 50s tonight. It’s only gonna reach a very damp 62 today.
Football is indeed back.
When you said “very damp 62” Bill Belichick’s ears perked up.
(would have been better with 52 but we take what we can get, much like Bill on his vacation to Club Med last year)
C Kupp or Jamison Crowder?
Strap on the Kupp.
Kupp is half empty but I don’t like Crowder.
I reached for Kupp so I’m dying on that hill
Kupp. I almost started him over He-mannuel Sanders as my WR2
So Arizona-JV is absolutely undersized and terrible. Meanwhile, ASU looks frighteningly competent enough to keep games close and pull out some stacked wins.
Fuck 2018.
Another year at being the slave to the NFL’s dumb broadcasting rules. Colts home game, meaning it’s the only 1pm game. The 4pm game is the Cowboys, and it’s the only 4pm game.
Also, the local CBS/Fox doesn’t always have an opposite game if the Colts are away. RARELY do they have double 1pm and double 4pm games.
Do not live in Indiana.
This comment just reminded me that we’re 75 minutes from Red Zone o’clock
Some years Week 1 is free, wonder if that’s true this year.
My current favorite breakfast is a peeled and sectioned orange, hard boiled egg – salted and peppered – and a piece of multi grain toast.
Yes I’m eating much healthier so I can grill some brats and links and have some chips and dip and spicy pork rinds and cheese and drink about 17 beers for the games.
I just had my annual physical and my doctor told me specifically to keep doing what I’ve been doing.
I won’t ignore doctors orders.
Happy football day everyone.
Morning Folks.
Watching the college round-ups on ESPN and hear “Love seeing Penn State do so well!” from one of the talking heads.
Yeah.
If there’s one school that really deserves a break it’s Penn (child)fucking State.
Larry Nassar’s still somehow among the living and the Michigan State merch is like 10 times as present as it was last year.
The B1G is some kind of fucked. You have TWO child-rapey sides, and that’s even before you get to goddamned Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh. Just fuck that league with the rustiest of dildoes.
Flying Dog is a pretty good brewery, but I’m not sure I’m willing to overlook this.
I shall defer to Fozz
So, is the state of North Carolina worried that if they sell me beer before noon on a Sunday, I might not go to church? They do realize that if I’m wanting beer on a Sunday morning I’m already not in church and probably wasn’t headed in that direction anyway…right?
(no, they don’t)
I think they got tired of all the people who showed up drunk to church, hell, it’s the only way I would go and then I would get thrown out for telling them why I think religion is bullshit.
I think you and I might have been separated birth.
Anhywhooo….time foar a beer run!!!!!
/looks at watch
Yep, should be noon by the time I get to the checkout.
At some point you, Hippo and I should get together for a Sunday of watching football. I have Sunday ticket and a Big Green Egg for cooking. Just saying. Anybody else near the Raleigh area want to join?
Is it bad that I didn’t actually know the Bears were the night game?
I can’t even tell you who, or if, the Cowboys are playing today.
Panthers, 4 o’clock slate.
I only know this because I’ve been trynna decide whether to leave Funchess in the flex.
If you’d read my preview, you would know that you should*.
*possibly not. Only because it’s so early in the season that Sean Lee hasn’t died yet, but once he does, hoo boy!
Just checked, and I happen to have Funchess as my flex today. Who knew?
I’ve got McCoy on the bench. Been trynna decide whether to plug him into Funchess’ spot. But don’t trust him as the only option behind J. Peterman in Baltimore.
I have McCoy as my RB2
I should head over to my gate, I’ll catch up with y’all in a couple of hours when there will be footballs occurring!
fly safe, eh?
lol the NFL is so horrifically inept at everything
https://deadspin.com/report-nfl-will-not-have-national-anthem-policy-this-s-1828919381
It’s pretty amazing when they manage to be even more inept than the NFLPA though, I shall continue to watch with glee
Other Conundrum: Wilson vs. Denver or Goff vs. Oakland?
The Raiders did just get worse by getting rid of Mack
I think that will manifest itself more in the run game with Gurley, though.
as someone who rode the Baby Buster/Gurley Man combo last season, RRRRAM IT! likes to throw to Gurley in the red zone. A lot.
Goff and not even close
Yeah, I’m slacking off with Goff, too
Cartoon. Dream. Girl.
“You already voted for this comment”
Yeah, and I’m voting for it again! You’re not my supervisor!
there could be garbage time, but I think the Donks D is gonna maul Charmslinger today
I got Goff for $4 at auction and thought everyone had fallen asleep. That kid is going places.
$6 for me, but overall budget was $250. Had to buy 20 players. All my other QBs was $1, including el Biscuit del Verdad
Wake up bitches! It’s football day!
My wife and I are in the bathroom this morning and she decides to hop on the scale. Two seconds later comes the shriek “156!?”, followed by what I have to admit was a pretty good right hook after noticing that I had my foot pushing down on the back of the scale.
Oh how we laughed and laughed.
Anyway, I’m getting divorced this week.
I assume you made the requisite “F = ma” comment about the punch, then 😀
I’m so ign’ant ’bout physics that I stared at this comment a good minute before an apple hit me in the back of the head, (guess she’s still pissed), and I got it.
So… Bilal Powell, L. Blount or Engram at the flex?
Deffo not Blount. Powell if PPR, otherwise probably Engram.
I haven’t had any alcohol in two weeks.
If I were a Bills fan, I’d already be drunk.
Instead, tonight you take Step One into fulfillment of Great Prophecy!
/also make sure all folk start Leonard Cohen
I want to go to a Bills game, they really know how to enjoy supporting borderline shitty teams
Yeah but what about whiskey? You’d had some of that, right?
Look, if you’re not going to drink that stuff I sent send it back to me. There are plenty of thirsty kids in Africa that would love to have some beer.
/also do you have any pills??
How do you feel about a shitload of B-12?
It’s still in the box so it can’t tempt me.
Also, Monkish’s release schedule is doing a terrible job of aligning with my life.
I will completely understand if you don’t go the Monkish route. They are a tough get.
A reminder of what today represents in our lives. And fuck Tom Brady!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUNgHDC7r44
You have no idea how ticked off I am at myself for now having to root for him to do well two years straight. I hope Wentz gets healthy soon.
I owned him his one shitty (non-injured) year. He really is a troll asshole.
/and of course the P*ts kept winning anyway
Maybe THIS will be the year he plays all old and shitty! Fingers crossed
I drafted him (and no backup quarterback) with the express hope that he will suffer a career-ending injury nice and early in the season.
So as we were watching Hard Knocks last night my wife (who never watches football) made several cromulent and correct comments. After explaining who Gregggg was, and his history in the NFL, she was completely aghast that he was still allowed to work as a coach. Also, she said someone needed to stuff spiked anal beads up Gregg’s ass. Not sure where that comment came from, but I am going to be on my best behavior for awhile (and sleep on my back).
You should probably get your wife a DFO account
Only $12!
Not sure I’m actually going to drink today, I’m honestly a bit burned out after the orgy of fancy alcohol that has been the past couple days, and most of the days of my vacation before that. I could be drinking a free mimosa right now, but it just doesn’t appeal
Of course, I’m not eating the free pancakes either, so maybe I’m dead and just don’t know it yet
No…to…free…pancakes?
I haven’t yet figured out saying no to paying for pancakes. I’d have a stroke if someone expected me to turn down free ones.
Pancakes can be tricky. Some places seem to think that the heavier, the better, and that’s just not a good thing.
Apparently, LeSean McCoy isn’t being charged. DA must’ve just got him dirt cheap in a trade.
And no, the DA is not Chip Kelly
Because he definitely would have prosecuted. Fuck, I wish I’d thought of all of these in the same comment.
Oh, that 4th round flyer is gonna pay-off big time for the Cornblower family!
No Bengals football. Stuck with Nation @ Factory. It better be in a freaking monsoon.
One last time, before it becomes irrelevant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYk5B33j1NI
they could actually beat Yinzburgh today!
Everyone betting on the game seems to think so! I cannot for the life of me imagine how on earth anyone could take the plunge of betting on a team coming off an 0-16 season that had like a 70% roster turnover to come out the gate strong.
Maybe just for the potential hilarity value?
At some point, all those early picks will at least yield a solid defense and OL. That point seems to have arrived. Yinzburgh has an aging roster that seems like it collapse at any time, an offense VERY reliant on Le’Veon, and the elements are sloppy.
I don’t know, if it was any team other than the Browns…they just have an amazing organizational ability to fuck up anything promising. and they haven’t won a season opener since 2004
I didn’t bet it. Liked it MUCH better at 6.5 than 4.5. But gun to head, I’d take #ThePauls.
Only Action! is Tomsulas ML to beat the Vikes.
That’s not going to happen. The Browns are gonna Browns it up somehow.
GAMBLOR ppls:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAWS67rR2es
I know it was the last or next to last round, but I have zero recall as to how I ended up with the Titans D
A lot of people have woken up to D they don’t recognize this way
Hey oh!!!!
Once you go Kronos, you never go back.
(unless, of course, Kronos reverses time, which might actually be a thing that he can do)
RIKKI: [turns on ESPN]
CHRIS BERMAN: …which is the reason I’m back…
RIKKI:
Anyone up for some squirrel wings?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBy6Zv7wv3w
Arthur Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought squirrels could fly.
I assume squirrel tastes like chicken, but would probably be bonier?
You are correct, which is why when growing up, we would often use squirrel instead of chicken in our chicken and dumplings.
IT’S A NEW DAY! YES, IT IS!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-gFcx5ihcI
I drank too much last night. Aside from the mild hangover (now gone, btw) this means I have to go to the store today so as not to run out of drank sometime during the Bearistocrats/Cheese Doodles later tonight.
But my backwater state doesn’t allow for purchase before noon on Sundays. So I’m sitting here sober with my thumb up my ass (not literally, at least not yet) foar another two hours.
LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS WHY YOU PLAN AHEAD!!!!
I’m in the same boat but I also have to call into work around 3 so it’s better that I maintain some soberness for a while.
But is it better? Really?
TWBS (artist’s conception):
I just assumed you had a dedicated moonshine bathtub in the house.
That’s not a bad idea, actually. Also, a great name for a punk rock band.
Ladies and Gentlemen….MOONSHINE BATHTUB!!!!!!
Okay, I didn’t think I was going to be, but I’m actually really damn excited. I’ll unfortunately miss the first half of the early games because airplanes, but I changed my flights so I’ll get home around half time and of course I’ll cave and buy tv
HUZZAH! One of us! One of us!