Your “More Cheddar Than You Can Swing a Stick At!” Full Tilt NFL Action Open Thread

And we’re not tilting at windmills, friends-this be the real thing and all. I trust you have a very many intoxicants and mood-enhancers at arm’s length, that you’ve finished tying the children up in the basement, (or crawlspace, either one is fine) handed the wife a few 20’s and said, “you haven’t seen [insert frenemy here] in such a long time-why don’t you invite her out to brunch?” You’re a regular Howard Roark from The Fountainhead, aren’t you? It’s your way or the highway-you’re not gonna watch the games with a bunch of damn collectivists. “It’s too important a day for ‘people'”, you say to yourself. “One must strike out on one’s own. Establish the trail. Go it alone. Stand tall.”

Damn, that was one fine #feverdream, wasn’t it? Just do what you do, barge into the comments as you see fit and make with the funny. TO THE GAMES!

Steelers/Brownies:

Did you stash James Connor at the end of your fantasy bench because you’re a sneaky weasel? Well done. Tire Rod gets the start in Cleveland and talent-wise the cupboard isn’t its usual bare shelf. It might be enough vs. a Bell-less Pitt team.

Bengalis/Colts:

Things are looking up in Indy now that Mr. Luck is back behind center. Starting rb Mack is out however but is he really going to carry the load this year? The backfield just looks very thin to me.

Titans/Fins:

Them Titans are putting together the old “Thunder and Lightning” backfield duo of Derrick Henry and Dion Lewis. Personally, I expect Henry to have a monster season in 2018 after being robbed of carries by the battered shell of DeMarco Murray last year.

Niners/Vikers:

Jimmy G’s short-passing game plan vs. the aggressive Minny D went out the window when rb MacKinnon blew an axle. In steps the very adequate journeyman Alfred Morris and the untested Matt Breida. That’s a step back, for sure.

Texans/Pats:

Last year Houston barely lost 36-33 to a Brady that was looking to go long to Cooks and Gronk. The pressure applied by the Texans d-line made the game close. I’m sure they’ll go back to the well game-planning-wise while the Pats feature a dink and dunk game with Burkhead, Hogan and some undrafted guy from East Boston Tech. Pats win.

Bills/Ravens:

Buffalo, this is Nathan Peterman’s team now. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Jags/Giant:

Much yackety-yakking focuses around the Old Dirty Beckham/J. Ramsey  tete-a-tete but I think the key will be te Engram on lb Gipson. Gipson is a fine player but he doesn’t have the speed to keep up with Engram. He’s got that in common with every other lb in the league. Yes, the Giants O appears to be more dynamic (and more importantly) free of the influence of the Coughlin/MacAdoo mindset that resided there for so long. That said, if I see a delayed draw play on a 3rd and long obvious passing down I will murder everything on my street. Grandmothers, toddlers, puppies… I don’t care. EVERYTHING MUST GO!

It’s all yours now.

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was expecting the reveal to be that it was actually a guy.

fleshwound_NPG

Did not know Harvardback was on the Bucs

Gratliff

WIth the intense taeks that will kick up again over anthem protests today, here’s a story from a few days ago where a 17 year old was detained by secret service and escorted by police out of a trump rally because he didn’t show enthusiasm during a pep rally our fragile commander in chief threw to distract himself from the hellscape that is his administration.

https://billingsgazette.com/news/government-and-politics/plaidshirtguy-at-trump-rally-is-a-billings-high-schooler/article_bb742b54-9f0e-5e77-86f1-c5a36d7cd3bd.html

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It would be funny as shit if more people started doing this (just making ridiculous faces behind him) but they are probably going to be super-careful from here on out over how they vet people they put back there.

King Hippo

People need to wake the fuck up. This is serious shit. Authoritarianism is no longer creeping.

Horatio Cornblower

This is really a non-story IMO. If you stand behind the President, even the fucking moron currently holding the office, making weird faces for several minutes, you’re going to have a conversation with the Secret Service. They brought him in, asked him what he was up to, he told them, they let him go.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My Leveon Bell replacement today is DJ Moore. That should end well.

fleshwound_NPG
Sharkbait

Dear GAMBLOR,

Please let my daily picks pay off

Amen

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “daily picks” I thought you were talking about my morning nostril-clearing routine.

King Hippo

FOAR you (except the P*ts stuff):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMiFPHWQ5Yw

Col. Duke LaCross

There shall be dancing in the streets today. Happy football folks!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_ijc7A5oAc

Gratliff

I’m watching a full length PBS documentary on Marx and Lenin.., because if I’m gona watch a bunch a ungreatful unamerican commies for 3 hours, it better be free . Sorry @ NFLredzone #nottoday

— Chris Long (@JOEL9ONE) September 9, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

King Hippo

Yeah, Marx and Lenin should have been TOTES GRATEFUL for the situations they found themselves in. You owned teh libs fo sho!

Also, a putative NFL Commissioner “Uncle Joe” Stalin would know how to handle TRUE INGRATES like Trotskyiite Scum Chris Longovich, da comrades?

LemonJello

Indeed.
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King Hippo

WHEEL! OF! GULAG!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Context (Long’s tweet was a reply to this):

Gratliff

I am here for the Kirk Cousins faceplant and it will be marvelous

King Hippo

Hippo has $50 ML on this very lack of belief in Cap’n Dingleberry. That glass ceiling is coming the fuck down, Janeane!

King Hippo

Speaking of, since we have no legit pre-game options, a thought exercise for clubhouse:

Teams you expect to improve significantly:

Mines: Bearistocrats!, Gigantes, Tomsulas, #ThePauls, Jest (by default, but still), Bengals

Teams you expect to fall the fuck apart:

Mines: Iggles, Vikes, Panthers, Stillers, Bills, Raiders

LemonJello

I fear my Jaguras will nawt repeat last year’s performance.

King Hippo

I am feeling RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! v. Jaguras Superb Owl, but I am probably meme-biased.

Gratliff

Bears will disappoint. It’s what they do.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re not wrong, but do you mind handing me that D cell battery?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think this is the year that the Patriots *finally* fucking start to fall off.

LemonJello

Your lips (typing fingers?) to Chthulu’s ear appendages!

Spur

Titans are going to make the playoffs. The Chefs will not.

Redshirt

Browns will be better this year.

Steelers will fall if they become a one dimensional passing team.

King Hippo

even the Yinzers at my auction expected #ThePauls to be a real factor this season. Sommet is really going on.

yeah right

The Vikings will be fine. That defense is insane.
The fuck Lions are my surprise pick this year and Carolina should win the South.

Raiders and Chefs will disappoint.

blaxabbath

ARI will meet expectations.

Which is to suck ass.

Gratliff

Jesus, I definitely checked out after the SB win. I thought Coughlin was gone?

King Hippo

what is unded may NEVAR die (see Snyder, Bill)

Sharkbait

But Al Davis ded right?

Col. Duke LaCross

He’s wearing his kid as a skin-suit.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Story checks out, if you imagine red hair.

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King Hippo

don’t get Pete Carroll started on THAT

Sharkbait

Stop being an asshole Router!

Spur

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWZzMTwLq1k

was not expecting this album to be so good.

King Hippo

must to put teh text before teh link

Spur

Superb Owl pick.

Panthers to make a miracle run and win the Superb Owl over the Steelers

Dallas is going to be a dumpster fire with no lineman.

King Hippo

you picked two sides I expect to fall apart and be like 7-9 at best

/what I am saying, is bet on the NBA-lovin’ weirdo

LemonJello

Spur is Marv Albert?
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Spur
ArmedandHammered

Never bite the back that lays ya.

King Hippo

I have started mah #GameDay routine of survival! OK, fuck you, every day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_rCRgu9qTg

King Hippo

WHERE IS RedZone Fantasy show?? Fuck You Face, I will nae watch anything else, pre-game wise.

Spur

What the fuck is Michael Irvin wearing? I think his tailor got a hold of some bed sheets.

LemonJello

Maybe the tailor mis-understood Irvin’s opinion on Spike Lee’s Black Klansman?

Spur

ESPN has 50+ channels would it kill them to have a Sunday morning CFB highlight show?

LemonJello

Imaginary Internet Friends! I bid you all a fantastic Week One!

Chores are done. Beer in fridge ready for consumption.

Let’s do this.

fleshwound_NPG

Last week and weekend it was 90+, but with the tropical storm passing way the fuck up here in fat humpia it has fucked the weather so much I got the heater on and it’s gonna be in the 50s tonight. It’s only gonna reach a very damp 62 today.

Football is indeed back.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “very damp 62” Bill Belichick’s ears perked up.

(would have been better with 52 but we take what we can get, much like Bill on his vacation to Club Med last year)

Spur

C Kupp or Jamison Crowder?

yeah right

Strap on the Kupp.

Mother Puncher

I reached for Kupp so I’m dying on that hill

King Hippo

Kupp. I almost started him over He-mannuel Sanders as my WR2

blaxabbath

So Arizona-JV is absolutely undersized and terrible. Meanwhile, ASU looks frighteningly competent enough to keep games close and pull out some stacked wins.

Fuck 2018.

Spur

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fleshwound_NPG

Another year at being the slave to the NFL’s dumb broadcasting rules. Colts home game, meaning it’s the only 1pm game. The 4pm game is the Cowboys, and it’s the only 4pm game.

Also, the local CBS/Fox doesn’t always have an opposite game if the Colts are away. RARELY do they have double 1pm and double 4pm games.

Do not live in Indiana.

Gratliff

This comment just reminded me that we’re 75 minutes from Red Zone o’clock

fleshwound_NPG

Some years Week 1 is free, wonder if that’s true this year.

yeah right

My current favorite breakfast is a peeled and sectioned orange, hard boiled egg – salted and peppered – and a piece of multi grain toast.

Yes I’m eating much healthier so I can grill some brats and links and have some chips and dip and spicy pork rinds and cheese and drink about 17 beers for the games.

I just had my annual physical and my doctor told me specifically to keep doing what I’ve been doing.

I won’t ignore doctors orders.

Happy football day everyone.

Spur

Morning Folks.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching the college round-ups on ESPN and hear “Love seeing Penn State do so well!” from one of the talking heads.

Yeah.

If there’s one school that really deserves a break it’s Penn (child)fucking State.

Gratliff

Larry Nassar’s still somehow among the living and the Michigan State merch is like 10 times as present as it was last year.

King Hippo

The B1G is some kind of fucked. You have TWO child-rapey sides, and that’s even before you get to goddamned Urban Meyer and Jim Harbaugh. Just fuck that league with the rustiest of dildoes.

Horatio Cornblower

Flying Dog is a pretty good brewery, but I’m not sure I’m willing to overlook this.

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I shall defer to Fozz

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, is the state of North Carolina worried that if they sell me beer before noon on a Sunday, I might not go to church? They do realize that if I’m wanting beer on a Sunday morning I’m already not in church and probably wasn’t headed in that direction anyway…right?

(no, they don’t)

ArmedandHammered

I think they got tired of all the people who showed up drunk to church, hell, it’s the only way I would go and then I would get thrown out for telling them why I think religion is bullshit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think you and I might have been separated birth.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Anhywhooo….time foar a beer run!!!!!
/looks at watch

Yep, should be noon by the time I get to the checkout.

ArmedandHammered

At some point you, Hippo and I should get together for a Sunday of watching football. I have Sunday ticket and a Big Green Egg for cooking. Just saying. Anybody else near the Raleigh area want to join?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is it bad that I didn’t actually know the Bears were the night game?

Horatio Cornblower

I can’t even tell you who, or if, the Cowboys are playing today.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Panthers, 4 o’clock slate.
I only know this because I’ve been trynna decide whether to leave Funchess in the flex.

Horatio Cornblower

If you’d read my preview, you would know that you should*.

*possibly not. Only because it’s so early in the season that Sean Lee hasn’t died yet, but once he does, hoo boy!

Horatio Cornblower

Just checked, and I happen to have Funchess as my flex today. Who knew?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got McCoy on the bench. Been trynna decide whether to plug him into Funchess’ spot. But don’t trust him as the only option behind J. Peterman in Baltimore.
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Horatio Cornblower

I have McCoy as my RB2

Doktor Zymm

I should head over to my gate, I’ll catch up with y’all in a couple of hours when there will be footballs occurring!

King Hippo

fly safe, eh?

Gratliff
Doktor Zymm

It’s pretty amazing when they manage to be even more inept than the NFLPA though, I shall continue to watch with glee

Sharkbait

The Raiders did just get worse by getting rid of Mack

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think that will manifest itself more in the run game with Gurley, though.

King Hippo

as someone who rode the Baby Buster/Gurley Man combo last season, RRRRAM IT! likes to throw to Gurley in the red zone. A lot.

King Hippo

Goff and not even close

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, I’m slacking off with Goff, too

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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King Hippo

Cartoon. Dream. Girl.

Horatio Cornblower

“You already voted for this comment”

Yeah, and I’m voting for it again! You’re not my supervisor!

King Hippo

there could be garbage time, but I think the Donks D is gonna maul Charmslinger today

King Hippo

$6 for me, but overall budget was $250. Had to buy 20 players. All my other QBs was $1, including el Biscuit del Verdad

Sharkbait

Wake up bitches! It’s football day!

Horatio Cornblower

My wife and I are in the bathroom this morning and she decides to hop on the scale. Two seconds later comes the shriek “156!?”, followed by what I have to admit was a pretty good right hook after noticing that I had my foot pushing down on the back of the scale.

Oh how we laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m getting divorced this week.

King Hippo

I assume you made the requisite “F = ma” comment about the punch, then 😀

Horatio Cornblower

I’m so ign’ant ’bout physics that I stared at this comment a good minute before an apple hit me in the back of the head, (guess she’s still pissed), and I got it.

Gratliff

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

Deffo not Blount. Powell if PPR, otherwise probably Engram.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I haven’t had any alcohol in two weeks.

If I were a Bills fan, I’d already be drunk.

King Hippo

Instead, tonight you take Step One into fulfillment of Great Prophecy!

/also make sure all folk start Leonard Cohen

Doktor Zymm

I want to go to a Bills game, they really know how to enjoy supporting borderline shitty teams

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah but what about whiskey? You’d had some of that, right?

Horatio Cornblower

Look, if you’re not going to drink that stuff I sent send it back to me. There are plenty of thirsty kids in Africa that would love to have some beer.

King Hippo

/also do you have any pills??

Horatio Cornblower

How do you feel about a shitload of B-12?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s still in the box so it can’t tempt me.

Also, Monkish’s release schedule is doing a terrible job of aligning with my life.

Horatio Cornblower

I will completely understand if you don’t go the Monkish route. They are a tough get.

King Hippo

A reminder of what today represents in our lives. And fuck Tom Brady!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUNgHDC7r44

theeWeeBabySeamus

You have no idea how ticked off I am at myself for now having to root for him to do well two years straight. I hope Wentz gets healthy soon.

King Hippo

I owned him his one shitty (non-injured) year. He really is a troll asshole.

King Hippo

/and of course the P*ts kept winning anyway

Doktor Zymm

Maybe THIS will be the year he plays all old and shitty! Fingers crossed

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I drafted him (and no backup quarterback) with the express hope that he will suffer a career-ending injury nice and early in the season.

ArmedandHammered

So as we were watching Hard Knocks last night my wife (who never watches football) made several cromulent and correct comments. After explaining who Gregggg was, and his history in the NFL, she was completely aghast that he was still allowed to work as a coach. Also, she said someone needed to stuff spiked anal beads up Gregg’s ass. Not sure where that comment came from, but I am going to be on my best behavior for awhile (and sleep on my back).

Doktor Zymm

You should probably get your wife a DFO account

Horatio Cornblower

Only $12!

Doktor Zymm

Not sure I’m actually going to drink today, I’m honestly a bit burned out after the orgy of fancy alcohol that has been the past couple days, and most of the days of my vacation before that. I could be drinking a free mimosa right now, but it just doesn’t appeal

Doktor Zymm

Of course, I’m not eating the free pancakes either, so maybe I’m dead and just don’t know it yet

King Hippo

No…to…free…pancakes?

Gratliff

I haven’t yet figured out saying no to paying for pancakes. I’d have a stroke if someone expected me to turn down free ones.

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Horatio Cornblower

Pancakes can be tricky. Some places seem to think that the heavier, the better, and that’s just not a good thing.

Gratliff

Apparently, LeSean McCoy isn’t being charged. DA must’ve just got him dirt cheap in a trade.

Gratliff

And no, the DA is not Chip Kelly

Gratliff

Because he definitely would have prosecuted. Fuck, I wish I’d thought of all of these in the same comment.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, that 4th round flyer is gonna pay-off big time for the Cornblower family!

Redshirt

No Bengals football. Stuck with Nation @ Factory. It better be in a freaking monsoon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One last time, before it becomes irrelevant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYk5B33j1NI

King Hippo

they could actually beat Yinzburgh today!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Everyone betting on the game seems to think so! I cannot for the life of me imagine how on earth anyone could take the plunge of betting on a team coming off an 0-16 season that had like a 70% roster turnover to come out the gate strong.

Doktor Zymm

Maybe just for the potential hilarity value?

King Hippo

At some point, all those early picks will at least yield a solid defense and OL. That point seems to have arrived. Yinzburgh has an aging roster that seems like it collapse at any time, an offense VERY reliant on Le’Veon, and the elements are sloppy.

Doktor Zymm

I don’t know, if it was any team other than the Browns…they just have an amazing organizational ability to fuck up anything promising. and they haven’t won a season opener since 2004

King Hippo

I didn’t bet it. Liked it MUCH better at 6.5 than 4.5. But gun to head, I’d take #ThePauls.

Only Action! is Tomsulas ML to beat the Vikes.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s not going to happen. The Browns are gonna Browns it up somehow.

King Hippo
Doktor Zymm

I know it was the last or next to last round, but I have zero recall as to how I ended up with the Titans D

Gratliff

A lot of people have woken up to D they don’t recognize this way

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey oh!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Once you go Kronos, you never go back.

(unless, of course, Kronos reverses time, which might actually be a thing that he can do)

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: [turns on ESPN]

CHRIS BERMAN: …which is the reason I’m back…

RIKKI:

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Gratliff

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Arthur Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought squirrels could fly.

Doktor Zymm

I assume squirrel tastes like chicken, but would probably be bonier?

ArmedandHammered

You are correct, which is why when growing up, we would often use squirrel instead of chicken in our chicken and dumplings.

Gratliff

IT’S A NEW DAY! YES, IT IS!
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King Hippo
theeWeeBabySeamus

I drank too much last night. Aside from the mild hangover (now gone, btw) this means I have to go to the store today so as not to run out of drank sometime during the Bearistocrats/Cheese Doodles later tonight.

But my backwater state doesn’t allow for purchase before noon on Sundays. So I’m sitting here sober with my thumb up my ass (not literally, at least not yet) foar another two hours.

LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS WHY YOU PLAN AHEAD!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

But is it better? Really?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

TWBS (artist’s conception):

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just assumed you had a dedicated moonshine bathtub in the house.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s not a bad idea, actually. Also, a great name for a punk rock band.

Ladies and Gentlemen….MOONSHINE BATHTUB!!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

Okay, I didn’t think I was going to be, but I’m actually really damn excited. I’ll unfortunately miss the first half of the early games because airplanes, but I changed my flights so I’ll get home around half time and of course I’ll cave and buy tv

King Hippo

HUZZAH! One of us! One of us!

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