Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

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LemonJello

We’re having a “what is fumble?” moment on the [*Redacted] s reservation.

Verdict: NAWT a fumbre!

Gratliff

I’m sure that missed point won’t lead to a crippling loss

Mr. Ayo

Fitzmagic!

Doktor Zymm

*That feeling when you realize you should have started a TE in your flex*

Gratliff

Welp part deux

Gratliff

Feeling very stabby seeing these ads pop up on Redzone

tomsellecksmoustache

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Wakezilla

Christ, who is working with Harland Williams?

“Miami is going to win if they keep getting turnovers and then capitalizing by scoring points. . . The Jets really don’t want to be down by 14 points because then their offense is going to be too one dimensional.”

Holy shit, that’s Madden-esque

Doktor Zymm

Steelers starting to come back, entirely thanks to Jujubee

Spur

Asshole Steelers with “questionable” flags and Andy Reid. You guys really thought this game was over? Idiots.

fleshwound_NPG

spiderman meme has gone way, way too far

https://twitter.com/CBCebulski/status/1041297853954568192

Wakezilla

What’s the Spiderman meme?

fleshwound_NPG

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litre_cola

Cory Clement just slipped through JPP’s fingers.

LemonJello

Both of them?

fleshwound_NPG

the redacteds aren’t good

Wakezilla

Findown!

Wilson has quite the motor on him. It’s probably because he conserved his energy by kneeling during the anthem

Gatoraids

That’s what the Jets get for that lime green colors. Leave that to the fins

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kavanaugh accuser just came forward.

Fronkenshteen

Won’t matter. He’s in.

Spur

Isn’t that he’s accused of?

Doktor Zymm

I wish her Godspeed, she’s gonna get hell 🙁

King Hippo

next 48 hours will reinforce JUST HOW MUCH we all hate people

Spur

And it could be for telling the truth. What a fucked up world we allow to exist.

Smithchez

Is Buster Skrine’s last name secretly Johnson? How was he not cut two years ago?

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I know this isn’t something that the admins have control over, but I miss being able to see who liked a comment.

Doktor Zymm

Send a strongly worded letter to WordPress

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Please, what is this, 2008? I’m going to start a change.org petition. Those always work!

Gratliff

That’s about the amount of effort it takes to hack them

Mr. Ayo

Also miss being able to like my own posts.

Gratliff

The Eagles run blocking has been so good for so long

litre_cola

Ummm Vaitai looked good there

Gratliff

They’re paying the favor back for the gift bags he handed them on their way to Nick Foles

litre_cola

Is JSD in the room? His Browns look competent.

Wakezilla

Dolphins defense luck out of another turnover and now the Jets are melting down like steal beams in fire

Smithchez

Buster “Kyle Wilson” Skrine

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I know this is small thing to be excited about, but I’m quite pleased that the Packers punter managed to get off a punt that went 64 yards in the air earlier.

Fronkenshteen

I saw that! He fucking blasted that thing!

Doktor Zymm

NFL practice facilities really should offer free mani/pedis, gotta be easier to catch and run with happy hands and feet

the Alpha and the Amoeba

It’s a little known fact that Brett Favre threw the ball so hard that his receivers never had to trim their fingernails because the friction from the ball hitting their hands kept them ground down.

Mother Puncher

The nice thing about Burt Reynolds dying is that I can quit confusing him for Tom Sellick

Wakezilla

The NFL knows that the concussion tent is bullshit, right?

LemonJello

It isn’t full of nano-bubbles and other marvels of modern medicine?

King Hippo

WOO!!!! First TD for NC State alum Nyheim Hines.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Have to admit, when you picked him up I thought you were nuts.
Then Bell decided….well, whatever he decided.

You smrt.

herodotus450

Marlon Mack only got signed by Indianapolis because of the pull of his cousin, Big, in the area.

litre_cola

Don’t forget his cousin Truck, which resembles the behinds of most females in the area.

fleshwound_NPG

and their lower fronts

fleshwound_NPG

the fat humps look too competent

Mother Puncher

I keep forgetting Alex Smith isn’t on the Chiefs and then getting really scared when Mahomes runs.

King Hippo

FUCK OFF LUTZ

Gratliff

I’ve always said since the first day he came in the league that that Agholor has amazing hands

LemonJello

Amazing bad, or amazing good?

Wakezilla

I just saw that helmet to helmet on Cam and holy shit, that Falcons player better get 3 games. That was dirtier than Atlanta’s bird

Spur

Browns are a stout Defense.

King Hippo

at some point, you reach a critical mass of high draft picks and you almost can’t help but not

herodotus450

Ben Roethlisberger Completes a Touch Down Pass to the Coward Jesse James

Wakezilla

I swear Miami is calling the same 5-7 plays this game.

Gatoraids

AC/DC offense

Wakezilla

Madden offense

litre_cola

What would the BMI be today in Green Bay? More or less than in Yinzerville?

Spanky Datass

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Smithchez

Danny Deadmandola

Spur

Good job Cam. I know you dont know where you are or what a shoe is but good job.

LemonJello

Somewhere, Trent Green has a headache and more memory loss than usual.

Doktor Zymm

Is Trent Green the Portrait of Dorian Gray for Cam and head trauma?

LemonJello

Nice.
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Redshirt

He’s more like Bruce Banner as the Hulk. He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing, but he can at least harness the fury and direct it towards the Falcons.

Fronkenshteen

Falcons stirred up a hornets nest. Good.

Redshirt

Yeah, this was a dirty hit in the ’70s.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjNQrkxKJ9w

Redshirt

Cam was sliding. Safety Douchebag aimed for his head with 10 yard and two second headstart.

fleshwound_NPG

that’s an execution if that was brady

Doktor Zymm

So basically spearing at a sliding QBs head. There’s no possible way that was an accident, I hope he gets suspended and fined into oblivion

Doktor Zymm

So happy I’m going back to Spain next year. They make fantastic cheese and pork products and wines and olives and beer snacks

LemonJello

Andy Reid starts calculating costs to have a 40 foot ISO container shipped from Spain to KC.

Wakezilla

Yeah, their Tapas are excellent

herodotus450

If I give you $5 will you bring me back some Jamon Iberico?

Gratliff

“VINTAGE BIG BEN”
/stall door flies open

LemonJello

Women everywhere double check the stall door locks.

Doktor Zymm

Those things are flimsy, you still gotta pee with pepper spray in one hand and dagger in the other

King Hippo

meh, I need Mahomes-y to keep throwing anyhoo

Senor Weaselo

Preferably to Hill and Kelce?

Gratliff

Jason Peters is out, as is tradition.

Fronkenshteen

You’re fucking kidding

herodotus450

“What’s this now?”
-Jerry S.

fleshwound_NPG

chasing_peters is a.a.ron’s burner account

ArmedandHammered

I thought we were done with these types of jokes.

Gratliff

All I’m saying is I went a full year without making a single Rodgers joke and Eagles won the Super Bowl. I take full credit for the accomplishment.

fleshwound_NPG

I know my team is never winning the super bowl again so dgaf

King Hippo

yeah, moving on imaginary ppl!!!

He’s a brilliant, heterosexual man who likes athletic brunettes and just wanted a rumour out so he could not talk to his bumblefuck family.

Smithchez

Fucking Red Sox

Fronkenshteen

Off topic, but I’ll allow it.

Wakezilla

Why are they making Fireman Ed a thing again? It was stupid and obnoxious the first time.

Smithchez

He always went to the games, but apparently he quit doing the whole schtick because his family started getting harassed.

Wakezilla

So was he because he was willing to die on the Mark Sanchez hill. Lets not have him be a thing.

Smithchez

But yes, it is obnoxious.

litre_cola

Even the commentist party is incredibly outraged by that Cam hit. Dare I say we are changing?

King Hippo

I want dirty shit out of the game. Not good, natural FOOTBAW plays. There is a clear difference.

Redshirt

Agreed. CIN-PIT last year was a watershed moment for the league. It was getting scary in the 4th quarter.

Fronkenshteen

The league is worse when guys like Cam are out.

Redshirt

This site’s waking up. We’re still a guy site, thought, so its a little different. Its Guy Woke.

We’re more of a Social Experiment.

King Hippo

We are a good cross section of social change, because this cohort is largely guys, but open-minded guys.

herodotus450

Open minded eh?
/Widens stance

Spur

It was a fucked up play

Doktor Zymm

I don’t think we’ve ever been in favor of deliberately trying to horrifically injure people