Your “Batten Down The Hatches!” Sunday Morning NFL Football Open Thread

Meh. It’s sunny and warm here. TO THE GAMES!

Brownies/Saints:

He gone. Rumour has it Josh Gordon showed up to the Browns practice facility and was “not himself”. High. He was high. Funny thing, when I started doing these game intros I was told there would be no meth. smh.

Bolts/Bills:

Last week Buffalo was Nathan Peterman’s team. After the D gave up 369 yardos the brain trust decided that it should be Josh Allen’s team. Last week’s “I don’t think Allen is ready yet” morphed into “Gentlemen, after very careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that Josh Allen is ready-ish”.

Chefs/Stillers:

Both Pittsburgh corners are banged up and that’s not going to cut it vs. Mahomes & Co’s vertical, mid-field and short passing game. More bad news? Steelers defenders were flummoxed by Tire Rod’s jaunts out of the pocket last week and they meet up with another qb with the same ability to scramble.

Colts/’Dacteds:

The Architect didn’t exactly baby his arm last week after nearly 2 full years on the sideline. He completed 39 passes at a 74% rate for 300 yards. T.Y. Hilton looks forward to being fantasy-relevant again. (not really, he’s probably happy to have a competent signal-caller under center)

Fins/Jests:

Key to success for them Jerts? Keep Fanny Hill in 3rd and long sitchamucations-the only qb with worse numbers goes by the name of Bortles. Tons of interceptions? YES. I don’t throw around the word ‘retard’ very easily but I think the Jets long bout with irrelevance will be slightly retarded this year.

Iggles/Bucs:

The TB O that tossed 48 points onto the scoreboard last week vs. the Saints might just give Philly a bit of a headache. DeSean looks as though he’ll play which will open the field up for the likes of wr’s Evans and Godwin, te Howard and rb Barber. Looks as though Wentz is about two weeks away.

Panthers/Falcons:

Both teams are banged up as hell with the advantage going to Atlanta because they’ve got Tevin “No, it’s not Kevin, dammit!” Coleman starting in place of DeVonta. In this spot he usually gets 18-20 carries on top of his 6-7 targets in the passing game. He’s also good for a TD average-wise. Start that fella and don’t look back.

Texans/Titans:

Coach Vrabel said that both qb’s were going to play today. Huh? That shit never works. Thing is, no matter who is throwing the ball, they should have a great time against a Texans secondary that is signing kids off the street due to numerous injury issues.

Vikes/Pack:

The spinning eyeballs, the clipped speech-Rodgers post-game interview was one for the ages last week. He’s listed as questionable. Wait. Nope. He’s starting. Maybe. If he is this will be one hell of a game for the second week of the season.

Today’s games look good. You can make them even better by being your funny selves. Do it.

 

 

 

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Go for it, corner route to #84 plz k thx.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, remember last year when I had JuJu and they always threw to AB? And I lost twice because of that bullshit?

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, you time swapped that shit

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not a smrt man.

Spur

Holy shit Theilen!

Gratliff

Clay Matthews with an illegal “perfect form tackle” move

King Hippo

yes, that must be discussed in the 4p thread rules r rules ,, smh

Doktor Zymm

Moar bench points for me, moar of a chance this game ends unjustly

LemonJello

Chefs taking a page from the Factory’s playbook?

King Hippo

how in Christ’s name did GB not make Minny burn all their timeouts after that 2:05 pickerception?

Mr. Ayo

The Beav!

ArmedandHammered

Coach Blue Bunny.

King Hippo

Cam not showing great clock awareness. Almost like he’s concussed or sommet.

Doktor Zymm

You know, I would say ‘how the fuck is the Browns game over so soon’ but it’s almost exactly 3 hours, which is how long a game with an hour of play time should take

ArmedandHammered

At least the factory is efficient.

Gratliff

Ah, Clay Matthews. Always Clay Matthews.

the Alpha and the Amoeba

Don’t act like that was a good call

Gratliff

I hadn’t seen it at this point. All I saw was Clay Matthews taking a clutch penalty and nodded solemnly.

Col. Duke LaCross

You can pretty much set your watch on Clay Matthews being trash.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If Cleveland had a competent kicker, they probably would have won that game. But of course they did not, because they’re the Browns.

herodotus450

I’m allowed to say “Mahomes” as long as I don’t use a hard “s” right?

Spur

Rodgers rule bitches

Smithchez

So the Dolphins will have drained 6 minutes off the clock to end the game because the Jets couldn’t stop a 3rd and 19 from midfield. Why exactly should the DC still have his job?

Ian Scott McCormick

Frank Gore, too. Here’s a bit of trivia, Frank Gore is 62 years old.

Doktor Zymm

So, my personal trainer is a SF born Eagles fan (not fair weather, apparently there are lots around here?) and a couple months ago, when training camp was started, he was telling me about how the Browns would be good this year. I laughed, and said I would believe it when I saw it. I was so right, and will totally mention it repeatedly Tuesday morning.

Fronkenshteen

Watson dumb

Ian Scott McCormick

The guy at my office who told me the Jets were going to the SB this year should have interesting takes tomorrow. Of course his takes are usually unique.

Senor Weaselo

They could go 16-0 on the season and be up by 30 in the 4th, and I would still not think they’d be going to the Superb Owl unless I was playing Madden.

LemonJello

Getting a little taste of KC/Stillers before my Jaguras take the field. Thanks, CBS!

Mr. Ayo

The 500’s go down on the dumbest play this side of letting Gonzalez attempt a FG.

fleshwound_NPG

factory of sadness back to full capacity!

Redshirt

Wow. The Saints Kicker ran all the way over to the Browns bench to give the poor guy a pat on the back.

That’s when you know you screwed up. When the other side feels sorry for you.

JustStopDude

Fucking clutch Hue Jackson.

Zane Gonzales can’t hit shit. Missed a field goal and two extra points…and he puts him back in there to shank another one.

ArmedandHammered

Well at least not a lot of tape needed to figure out the worst performance by a player.

Spur

i hear Dan Bailey needs a job.

Gatoraids

Is Morton andersons walker is legal

Redshirt

Follow baseball’s example and use a Bullpen Cart.

Gratliff

On the bright side, new kicker next week!

Redshirt

The Browns may cut that kicker on the field.

ArmedandHammered

Boss Todd installed a trailer hitch just to drag that kicker through the parking lot.

Mr. Ayo

Blair Walsh is insanely jealous right now.

King Hippo

one can only imagine the foot stomping

ArmedandHammered

he missed the floor and fell on the first stomp

theeWeeBabySeamus

Goddammit!!!!! I can’t get pts from Brown if you assholes keep fucking up and committing penalties.

Smithchez

Awwwwww GPODAWUND.

Gratliff

Nick Foles is the worst QB I’ve ever seen make like 5 of the greatest throws I’ve ever seen.

— Noah Becker (@Noah_Becker) September 16, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Doktor Zymm

It’s like if Tebow didn’t have God

ArmedandHammered

They are actually going to let the kicker try again?

King Hippo

without even one shot at the end zone?

litre_cola

Looks like it!

the Alpha and the Amoeba

I’ve always liked how “Ha Ha” Clinton Dix’s nickname makes it sound like the announcers are laughing at whatever he just did.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Ben, dumbass….that’s where you throw the incompletion and don’t take the sack. You fucking idiot.

Doktor Zymm

Airline PJs are really the best possible approximation of clothing. Comfy, yet I can wear them in public. It’s the next best thing to no pants (cause I ain’t sitting on a hotel sofa with no pants, just cause it ain’t stained don’t mean I won’t get an STD)

Mr. Ayo

On the down side, there’s no way Cam remembers that TD toss

Gratliff

UH OH TAMPA BAY

Redshirt

Before the Steel Curtain went dancing, Antonio Brown was having an animated discussion with the Offensive Coordinator. I enjoy seeing cracks form.

Gratliff

Ahem

YOU VIKE THAT!?

Senor Weaselo

Hey, Yinzer defense is in the negatives but how can it go lower Yahoo? The rules don’t have you penalizing it for giving up even more points.
/By all means try, it would be entertaining.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yinzburgh became Cleveland so suddenly.

Doktor Zymm

It’s a short drive

theeWeeBabySeamus

Me too.

Redshirt

Business was so good, the Factory built a 2nd factory.

Smithchez
King Hippo

well, now #ThePauls at least will have some time…

herodotus450

#NotMyAntonio

Redshirt

Steel City Safety Dance. They penetrated the protection and pounded that K. Hunt.

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm

That dance wasn’t as safe as they said it was

Doktor Zymm

2 pts? !

King Hippo

looks as if the XP may not have mattered

Mr. Ayo

That’s very on brand for them.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Safety Dance in Yinzburgh.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Now, throw it to #84 you retard.

Mr. Ayo

#THEPAULS!

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Saints are funny.