“The day for what?”, you ask. It’s still too early to tell but I guarantee you something will happen and when it does we’ll both know. At that precise moment you’ll say, “Damnit scotch, you were right all along. I’d rather strangle my own mother than doubt you ever again!” I’ll just lean back, take a long hard draw on my Kool cigarette and say those magical three words that indicate that all is well in the world once again- “TO THE GAMES!”
Cincy/Atl:
Ridley me this statman-why does a rook wr with 3 games under his balls-protector have more TDs than his much more talented teammate has in the last 15 games? My Julio-than-thou take? Ridley is a burgeoning wr1 that is getting single coverage . T’were this to happen again today he’ll no doubt lengthen his 4-0 TD lead over Jones. Also, GO TEVIN!
TB/CHI:
Last I heard the Bucs were going to keep riding the Fitzmagic Bus all the way thru the Bears’ alimentary canal. GO MS. FRIZZLE!
Det/Dal:
Has Patricia The Stripper turned the Lions D around or was the stunning result last week only due to his intimate knowledge of how the Pats O works? If it’s the former than I look forward to the Cowjerks going into full panic mode when they are in possession of a 1-3 record.
Buff/GB:
Buffalo is t’udder squadoo coming off the massive upset. Despite fumbling 3 times rook qb Josh Allen inserted a wee bit of oxygen into the limp body of the Bills O. For his next trick he’ll try to make wr Benjamin relevant again. Just kidding, he’s very much prone to mistakes and will have a lousy stat line at game’s end.
Phi/Ten:
Rb Ajayi and his fractured back are a go this week. Makes me feel bad about that time I called in sick because I had a bad dream. (yeah, I had a waitress co-worker do just that-she was a bit loopy and more than just a little dramatic) There’s an indication that wr Jeffrey is a go today but I didn’t see where he was cleared for contact. If he does play I’m sure he’s on a limited snap count so don’t throw him into your lineup just yet. There, I just forced him to score a couple TDs and rack up 150 yards.
Hou/Indy:
You must think that de Watt is going to get to Luck at least a few times (Colts are down 2 starting o-line guys) before he breaks his ankleshoulder in an injury that is, in his words, “the worst injury anyone has ever suffered. Period.” Btw, start wr Fuller because the shaky Colts secondary will be all eyes on Hopkins.
Mia/NE:
I don’t have the exact numbers in front of me but I believe the Pats are eleventy-five and less than zero after a loss. The Fins are gonna be exposed as the worstest 3-0 team ever.
NYJ/Jax:
The Jets-now known as “The Browns Win-Givers” are coming off a loss much like the Jags. However one of these teams is not like the other and that latter team is gonna add another W to their record.
Time for you guys to have your fun…
What’s a Z. Pascal and did Hippo wager on him scoring a TD?
ummmm?
Hate-watch the Dallas game or hate-watch the Pats game-so many choices…
I bought a bread knife last night while drunk and upon discovering I already had one texted people trying to give it away.
Anyone want a bread knife?
A knife that makes bread? I’m interested in just how that works. Does it have a yeast pocket?
Like a knife made of bread? How drunk were you?
Or, is it a knife hidden in bread? Do any DFOers have friends/family in lock-up?
you could keep it for murder?
I did not expect the concept of a knife that cuts bread would confound the commentariat but okay lol
Knives that cut bread? Buy sliced ya idgit.
Ohhhhh, bread knife. I thought you said bed knife. That would be a big knife.
[begins plot to frame ICRM for murder]
Just curious, among all us football fans, how do you feel and 3rd and 4?
Short pass more often, but might run if our running game is working.
Have a receiver do a middle or long route to keep defense honest.
read option if you have a young QB.
?️♂️?♂️
I’d prefer you answer in the form of an emoji
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Fade route – most NFL coaches, wrongly
JUDGE ITO DOWN!!!
KISS THEM TITTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
/consensually
Scrambly Biscuits!
BISCUITCANNON
Dallas Defense is much improved.
Spiderman meme game in Dallas
Great. Now I’m trying to imagine Cole Beasley dancing “nasty”
Today will be shit. I feel it in my bones.
it IS a day ending in -y
I mean, there aren’t really good days in Hellworld but some are more hellish than others.
At least I’m not hungover and just full of shame instead.
I would want that on my gravestone, but am being cremated.
Still trying to convince Lady LemonJello to have a Viking funeral for me, if I die before her.
I told my family, “Throw my body into International Waters and take my Life Insurance Money and go to Vegas.”
Somebody put that on a cat poster
Wow, just overheard “Dan Marino was the best quarterback of the 70s” in this bar.
Guy who said it is wearing a Dolphins jersey.
ColoUr me shocked.
CTE has contaminated fanbases
Maybe he followed him in high school?
Was it an un-ironic Ray Finkle jersey?
Worse, Reggie Bush
LOLfins fans are the worst (DFO company excepted). Remember that when they are BLEERGHed for an NFL record 28 pennos today.
/no idea if that would be actual record
//pretty sure Raiders hold it, though
Most Penalties, Game
22
Brooklyn vs. Green Bay, Sept. 17, 1944
Chi. Bears vs. Philadelphia, Nov. 26, 1944
San Francisco vs. Buffalo, Oct. 4, 1998
21
Cleveland vs. Chi. Bears, Nov. 25, 1951
20
Tampa Bay vs. Seattle, Oct. 17, 1976
Oakland vs. Denver, Dec. 15, 1996
I am pleased OAK’s best is v. my Donks, at least.
I’m shocked the ’90s Bengals aren’t there.
Know I bet on the P*ts (-7) and Bungles (ML), think also bet the Bearistocrats! for some insane reason. Nay, twas to make a brave stand against rape!
Missing kickoff cause BART is slow and blows
I love that you are getting in a fully 3+ hours of tailgating.
Was the best tailgate in the NFL that I have ever been to. A 400 lb 6’8 dude took us under his wing and brought us to his tailgate because I gave him a smoke and my buddy and I have accents. When his crew saw us it was like a needle scratch, they were african american, by the end of it my buddy Rob was in a woman’s lap and she was feeding him ribs. It was epic.
Woo! One o’clock on the nosebutton and I’m ready to go!
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I will never, EVAR accept that.
Steelers are asking for a 2nd Round Pick and a “good player” for LeVeon Bell. Will someone pull the trigger before we get him in Patriot Blue?!
Some news for that kid who drops out of Shakespeare to play football: the drama kids get a *ton* more ass.
all about DAT ratio
fat humps/nobody cares’ be the only game I got at 1pm.
looks like semi-legal* stream of Mack vs. Fitzmagic for me…
* – not semi-legal
“Obviously, grossly, extremely illegal” has “legal” in the name. That technically makes it “semi-legal”.
Got a link for semi legal stream?
reddit.com/r/NFLstreams
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-kim-jong-un-and-i-fell-in-love/ar-BBNIEGP?ocid=spartanntp
OH MY LORD, THEY HAD SEX! AHHAHHHH!
So Stubhub fucked up my ticket, but got me a different ticket that’s almost identical! Hooray!
I think they should do a “Playing in the NFL is Hard” commercial with Trent Richardson except there’s no “fantasy football is easy” punchline.
Glasgow Rocks v Newcastle Eagles hoopsball is the featured bet live streaming event on bet365. I was unaware that hoops was played north of Hadrians Wall.
I bet they use an eight foot basketball net
2.44m
They use cabers instead of a ball. They’re super hard to dribble
Today’s schedule:
Pornhub
Nap
NASCAR race
Nap during NASCAR race
Mexican soccer
Church
Dinner
Catch the last quarter of the Steelers-Ravens
Sleep
Starting your day with Intense Cardio? Nice!
That’s fairly ambitious.
I’m betting on the Pornhub and the nap, but I think you’ll fuck up the rest.
Let’s see. For the Early Slate I get:
Fox: How I Wanna Nail Your Aunt Again, A Southern Cooking Show, Fortune Wheel and Questionable Answers.
CBS: Bengals/Falcons
how about a stream instead?
http://buffstreamz.com/watch/nfl-9.php
I’d forgotten how goddamn delicious a Bloody Mary is on a Sunday off. Tito’s vodka, too. Not bad, Austin, Texas!
The last Sunday when I was in Austin I had a bloody Mary and chorizo hash for breakfast.
It did not suck.
Have you featured chorizo hash on Sunday Gravy?
Not yet!
/ takes notes
The NASCAR race today might be slightly delayed because of…shit on the track.
Actual. Shit.
If ever there was a metaphor for modern NASCAR:
https://twitter.com/JerryJordan_KTT/status/1046410694084763648
That’s what i’m watching today.
You are a peculiar man Mr. Balls.
– “Aw, bullshit!”
– “No, but you’re close.”
afternoon funny:
*Neil deGrasse Tyson angrily walking out of A Star is Born*
Damn I like those retro black Falcons uniforms. Just go back to those uniforms full time, no questions will be asked.
The deal to Bengals going back to their 1997-2002 away, or their white color rush, as always, still stands.
Jettisoned Hurns. Starting Wilson over Amendola, so I expect Amendola to score three TDs against his former team.
/Checks listings
Tits v. E-gulls
LOLphins v P*triots
Fitbaw Jints v. Aints
/Checks beer fridge
Dammit.
Damn the torpedoes! You’re in, Josh Gordon!
Brady and Co gotta have a bounce back game against Miami, right? right?
I really hope I don’t regret starting Brady over Goff aka Baby Buster……….
Last week started Cousins instead of Ryan…..this week started Ryan instead of Cousins.
I feel your pain.
So Kanye West held a pro-Trump sermon after the SNL tapings. It went like you expected.
I don’t have a video, but from what I read, even if at best he was “right for the wrong reasons” (and by right, I’m talking a D- passing grade), with Trump you don’t have the right foundation to make the argument. Because all that arguments and positions are being made from a point of hatred. Of Fear. Its all fruit of a poisonous tree. If you agree with his arguments, you validify his fear and hatred.
(disclaimer: Christian rock song – Refer to 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 if you don’t want to poison your ears)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgqYYk-0wDs&t=2m14s
All Kanye wants is attention, and I refuse to give it to him.
dumb famous ppl tend to gravitate towards other dumb famous ppl
I’m going with Ridley and AJ Green. its’s going to be a shootout.
I too picked up Ridley and will be starting him.
I too will also probably regret same.
Good luck.
So, I’m getting ready to leave to head to the grocerying store, along with my niece, who is ADHD and other assorted “issues”. The last time we did this, it didn’t go well. We’re shopping for dinner makings, which we will then be cooking together when we get back.
Wish me luck.
(where did I put that fire extinguisher?)
Picking up Albert Wilson in a deep WR league. Bell still hogging a bench slot. Need to cut someone; Hurns or Amendola?
Or could jettison Josh Doctson. Either way, need commentariat advice!
I was saying, “Boo-hurns”.
Hurns is worthless.
Cut Bell. He ain’t playing until Week 10.
Keeper league.
Hurns is a bum and I can throw further than Dak.
(watching Pope vs. Hitler documentary)
Expert: “I don’t understand why Pope Pius XII didn’t take a more vocal opposition to Nazi Germany. Why all the subtlety and subterfuge?”
Me: “Check a map, genius! Vatican City was in Axis Territory. If Pius would’ve verbally gone against them, Hilter would’ve disposed him and installed his own Pope. Imagine how bad Nazism would’ve been if it had the official sanctioning of the Catholic Church?!”
Hitler: “Kill all the Jews!”
Pope: (The Jews did kill Jesus) “Go on…”
Well technically we all was responsible with our sinning.
God (looking down on Earth): “Oh, come on! I’ve already flooded you all out once, I can’t do again. I can’t afford to pay that kind of water bill twice!”
Jesus: “Anything I can do to help, Father?”
God (idea pops up): “Actually, My Son, I do have an idea.”
They had an alliance and no one really minded Hitler until he broke his bajillionith promise
i get Fins/Pats early, 49ers/Bolts and Raiders/Browns late.
Looks like I’ll be streaming a few games today.
I’ve started watching Bears games because it’s fun to see what Khalil Mack will do. He’s on a mission.
It’s healthy that you’ve moved all the way to acceptance.
I mean I can convince myself that it’s really for the best; they are not winning the Superbowl with a first-year coaching staff, they would not win it next year while playing in San Diego (or god knows where else), so why not plan for the future?
/steps into another room to cry quietly.
Calvin Ridley, Sammy Watkins, AJ Green. pick 2
Green, Watkins
None of those guys play defense so I don’t think any of them will be getting a pick 2, let alone all three.
That’s a weird f*ck/marry/kill combination.
So I guess Bradford is getting sent to third string today and won’t dress, which will cost him $300k. Bradford acknowledges it is really going to be a major adjustment to get used to not getting paid to not play.
Folks
So I’m pretty sure I encountered Eddie Jemison while at the coffee shop this morning. He said a very friendly hello to my dog and drove off in a Lexus SUV. The nice cars are always the tell.
[picture is a dramatized interpretation of our interaction]
I think i’m going to start my commitment free Sunday by going to the gym.
Then I’m going to get busy in the kitchen. I’m making German goulash today. There’s a recipe for it if you search the archives from 2015 I think.
I’m free!
Enjoy it! I’ve been enjoying it a lot. A lot of cool fun things to do!
LIAR. I was just sitting here thinking how football really is the last decent thing on this God-forsaken planet, and I’d deffo kill myself without it.
You’re forgetting porn
So reading about politics has been getting me down so much lately I’ve made the conscious decision to look at pornography instead, which is much happier.
yeah, but that’s what, 25 minutes 2x a week??
The London weeks will be here soon enough. Mandatory is mandatory, ese.
If you think us West Coast people are waking up at 6 AM to watch the Jags, you are crazier than you are a hermit.
Actually, this year the prospect of having the SWAG-UARS on while I’m making breakfast is more appealing than it’s ever been in the past.
You wake up at 6 AM on weekends?!?!
I wake up at 6 a.m. every day. I’m usually asleep by 10 p.m. so it’s a full 8 hours. I couldn’t sleep past 8 or so if I tried.
That’s crazy. I wake up at 4:30 every workday and then sleep as much as I can on weekends.
I am with RTD on this one. I am up at 515 for work all week and usually up by 6 on weekends which has nothing to do with Decilitre it is just my stupid internal clock.
I don’t think I could make the transition. If I was regularly getting up at 4:30 I would end up doing the same thing on weekends involuntarily.
Shit. I’m still in bed right now. Saturday I don’t get up until 11.
I might try to bake a peach pie.
Definitely make your own pastry dough.
so we are just not gonna get the pre-RZ fantasy show AT ALL this season? Just fuck you, universe.
Knock me over with a feather, Cardiff and Burnley are nil-nil approaching the half.
Hotels that don’t let you extend check out are the devil.
Piss in the EVERYWHERE
America. We don’t work and play well with others. What an asskicking.
Which Vietnam documentary are you watching?
There’s no getting around it-I gotta take a hike. (the one I missed yesterday) If the later open thread isn’t up in time it means that I’ve been eaten by a wild animal and for that I’m truly sorry.
Stop at the beer store!
So yesterday afternoon I was walking my dog and the neighbors’ teenage kid was riding towards me on his skateboard. Get this – the kid stops, picks up his skateboard, and carries it past us before getting back on so as to not frighten my dog.
There is still good left in this world.
That kid had some good parents.
Attaboy
My cat was happy to see me home again this weekend, so he slept all night with me Friday.
Last night, he slept all night in his sister’s bed. The one who was injured in the car accident. He is special, that good boy.
to clarify, she’s not home but he KNOWS (he facetimed her whilst in the hospital, along with one of the twins), and has more empathy than 95% of the humans I’ve ever come across.
Catz iz good peepuhlz.
https://xkcd.com/911/