Your “Pulse is Steady, Will Continue To Monitor Vitals” 2nd Round of NFL Football

It’s another one of those slogs but with each other’s support, I think we can make our way through this. Shall we keep the ball rolling along its merry way? Sure we will! TO THE GAMES!

Bills/Colts:

I can recall way back in 2018 when this was Nathan Peterman’s team. It didn’t last too long however. Shortly afterwards it became Josh Allen’s side. Alas, due to injury it became Peterman’s again. Now? In steps venerable, grizzled vet Derek Anderson. He’s had all of 15 or so days to memorize all the plays that fall short of their/his aim. They tell me he was once (and only the one time) a Pro-Bowler. It’ll likely not matter that much. The Colts D is like the Swiss Guard-more of a ceremonial unit trotted out on special occasions. They’re giving up more than 30 points a game these days.

Browns/Bucs:

With Carlos “The Jackal” Hyde traded away, it might be time for The Chubby Bubbster to assert himself in Cleveland’s offensive backfield. Both squads are looking to get their 3rd win of the season which will vault them into the oh-so-precious “.500 Zone”. The weirdo stat working against the home team is that Baker Mayfield is standing on the shoulders of the giants that came before him. The Bucs are 1-10 vs. rook qb’s since 2010.

Lions/Dolphins:

How are the Fins at 4-2? My best guess is a weaker-than-a-toddler schedule and a league-leading 11 interceptions that create more chances for the O than they legitimately deserve. Detroit is coming off a bye though and you know what they say when Matt Patricia has had two weeks to prepare for an opponent… They don’t say anything? Huh.

Panthers/Eagles:

My cherry-picked stat (it’s for you!) tells me that the Eagles, despite their troubles still have the #1 pass rush in this here league and they’re 17-3 in their last 20 at “Duck? That’s Not A Duck! Ow!” Field. You will anyway but you fine gentlemen should start your Ertz. Carolina has had some issues covering that spot.

Pats/Bears:

One of these 4-2 teams are not the same. Or are they? New England doesn’t have a road win this year. Gronk is out with a wonky spine. Mack (he has such teeth, dear) and his ankle are in. Done.

Texans/Jags:

Both teams have superior run D’s so don’t expect a helluva lot on the ground. I see plenty of stalled O’s and a game that has “12-10” final written all over it.

Vikes/Jets:

As mentioned in the previous thread, the super sexy weasely pick for those that are down and out receiver-wise is Deontay Burnett. He’s an undrafted slot wr that was Darnold’s fave at USC last year. That’s 86 catches, 1,100 yards and 9 TD’s worth of fave.

One o’clock EST beckons… We can do this!

 

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Belichick upside down headband for mojo, or sign of distress?

blaxabbath

Icebreaker. MILFs see him wearing it that way and approach him to offer help fixing it.

Then he bangs them while calling them Maragaret.

blaxabbath

What the hell? I don’t have a Fox game right now.

King Hippo

BLEERGH Gone Wild!! in Philly

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Moose, you may have introduced me to fetish I never knew existed. Bravo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well that was pretty Bearistocratic.

bk109

Fuck, must stop drinking.. somehow I misread that as “Cordarelle Patterson isn’t packing his bags in the locker room”
“Chicago kicked off, Cordarrelle Patterson returned kickoff for 95 yard touchdown”

blaxabbath

The Bears looking to be the most praised .500 team in the NFL.

fleshwound_NPG

that’s my bears

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s My Raiders’ Draft Pick!

blaxabbath

Raiders gonna have new actors for a lot of roles after their mid season break, methinks.

Duchess

and a shoe dropped against the Bears

Horatio Cornblower

Way to Bears it, Bears.

Redshirt

I thought you guys said the Patriots were imploding? What shit is this?!

King Hippo
Doktor Zymm

Nah, they’re just showing occasional flashes of being like a normal team

Doktor Zymm

Hehe, I like it when Cam run blocks

ThePirateSloth

Dan Fouts is like a low rent, even more dumbed down, incompetent Al Bundy, who did something kinda worthwhile once that kinda meant something to a small group of people, and keeps trying to parlay that once good thing into his current job and how he should be listened to more.

Basically, Dan Fouts is absolute trash.

blaxabbath

Big if true.

Spanky Datass

Kinda generous of a network to continue to employ a guy with such severe CTE though.
(He’s just the worst.)

Gratliff

Eagles pass rush is at least still monstrous

fleshwound_NPG

how many versions of the grinch stealin xmas can there be

Redshirt

Some rich person couldn’t rest knowing that Jim Carrey’s Grinch was the last one.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Only one good one.

– Theodor Geisel, Boris Karloff and tWBS

Horatio Cornblower

I won’t touch any of the other ones with a 39 1/2 foot pole.

Redshirt

I like Carrey’s Grinch. It wasn’t great, but it meant well.

Spanky Datass

(911 on Fox) “Best show on television.” — UPROXX
Fuck you, assholes.

Duchess

Danger loves over the top shows with crappy writing.

Horatio Cornblower

Wasn’t the actual article something like “if you like trash, then this is the best show on television”?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dodecahedron Ben Franklin is not something Philly should be proud of.
In fact, it’s disturbing to any normal human.

Duchess

is that 3 flags against the Pays now? Dear lord is there too much money on the Pats tonight?

fleshwound_NPG

THREE flags on the Greatriots on the same drive!!!

Horatio Cornblower

AND they fucked up a certain interception!

Whatever this wormhole is, I’mma stayin!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This last one was extremely consequential, too!

Horatio Cornblower

Chase Daniel as a decoy? The world’s most retarded duck wouldn’t fall for that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Chase Daniel? Nah. He knows where to find me.”

– Emma Watson

Spanky Datass

“… AND TWENTY DOLLARS FOR A FUCKED-UP DUCK!!!!11!!1!”

Redshirt

SCORIGAMI update. I’ve been looking at the graph and TB-CLE seems like a really good chance.

https://nflscorigami.com/

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ouch. That poor security guard.

Doktor Zymm

They ought to let sideline security wear pads

Duchess

I’m such a jaded Bears fan that I cannot get excited about this game. I’m just thinking there going to fuck this up soon.

Horatio Cornblower

Tampa Bay 9, Cleveland 2, and here I thought regular season baseball was over.

Horatio Cornblower

Two penalty flags on the Patriots on the same drive?

What delightful alternate universe have I stumbled into?

Redshirt

Has Empress Hillary had Trump executed or did Her Highness turn him into the Court Jester?

Redshirt

Judging by the Bengals’ Injury Report, it would probably save time to reduce it to NOT HURT, QUESTIONABLE, OUT and then have “PROBABLE: the 42 players not previously listed”

Doktor Zymm

Buffalo….is not a good team

Gratliff

Apparently Alshon Jeffrey is super good even without a torn rotator cuff

King Hippo

return of the Mack!

fleshwound_NPG

Belichick using up timeouts like he’s Andy Reid

Horatio Cornblower

He’s using them to order delivery ribs?

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty sad that Detroit already lost to the Jets. I would be so amused if they swept the AFC East

King Hippo

Sassy ref in Miami! Somebody get him a glass of lemonade.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Was he “giving him the business”…?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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King Hippo

my money league opponent started Shady and Wilson – each of whom is ded now – and I still am likely to lose

Petronel

Sony will be just fine – just let him cool down and turn him on his side before the next drive.

clint greasewood

Bills fan here
I can’t decide which looks worse: God Friended Me, Young Sheldon, or our offense.

King Hippo

HORSE BALLS!!

Redshirt

Young Sheldon. It a spin off no one asked for.

Besides I liked “God Friended Me”‘ when it was “Early Edition” and “Quantum Leap”.

bk109

or Seven Days… Or Timeless, before it was completely shitified

Horatio Cornblower

That was bullshit that the Quantum Leap guy never got home.

Duchess

which means at one point he died while in someone else’s body. So what happened to the person he leaped into?

Redshirt

I thought that at first, but in the first episode Sam leaped because Al was on a date and didn’t stop Sam from trying it out. Now that Beth never left Al, he wouldn’t be out trying to find a cheap date.

Sam didn’t leap home because he never leaped in the first place.

Duchess

But but he saved Jackie Kennedys life and if he never lept she would have died!!!

Duchess

just wait for the episode where God starts sliding in his DMing him dick pics at 3am

fleshwound_NPG

lol at CBS, showing Super Bowl XX highlights, then immediately after a graphic saying Chicago has only one Super Bowl appearance in a loss to Indy

bk109

But… but… the 85 Bears… it’s like … the only thing Bears fans can talk about these days… That and their love for DaCuntler

fleshwound_NPG

ANOTHER GREATRIOT DERP? IS THIS HEAVEN?

bk109

Or hell… Depending on yer BAC

King Hippo

Michel, he ded two

bk109

And my cable died three… I take it as a sign from up above that I should probably do other stuff… XD

Col. Duke LaCross

NAWWWT DOWN!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice toss Mr. Wentz.
tWBS gets some pts finally.

King Hippo

missed XP montage!

Gratliff

The fuck with kicks right now

Gratliff

Gotta be El Nino

Doktor Zymm

They’re too easy, didn’t you hear?

Petronel

This announce team for P*ts/Bears is…not good.

fleshwound_NPG

It involves Dan Fouts, no shit

Col. Duke LaCross

Can’t hold anything back!

bk109

Fuck… Welp, plan B for the evening – time to get shitfaced early… And for somehow this is all Hippo’s fault

fleshwound_NPG

MEGA BISCUITSCRAMBLEDOWN

[Andy Reid hunger intensifies]

Doktor Zymm

BIKKIEDOWN

King Hippo

he finally found the titties!!!

Doktor Zymm

FUCK LIONS OF DESTINY

Redshirt

“What is a Japanese porno title translated to English?”

bk109

Someone should probably remove the horseshoe outta Truthbiscuit’s arse AND BREAK IT INTO Cordarelle’s fucking knees

fleshwound_NPG

A GREATRIOT DERP? WHY THANK YOU!

Doktor Zymm

Seems like a good time for a Cohen TD..

King Hippo

Hippo NO SMIRE at your prescient start/sit decisions