We’ve already identified all the hardcore fellas that made it thru yesterday relatively unscathed. Here we go again. Also, there’s always a wee bit of fallout after dem games is played. Here be some.
The Amari Cooper Sweepstakes were won by the Cowboys! You can drop Michael Gallup now.
Bortles still has his job. [Kessler lies in wait…]
Marshawn has been sent to the I.R. so he can think about the things he’s done.
Dirk Anderson will start again for the Bills because there are no options in Buffalo.
Patrick Mahomes is a god and we will tire of him soon.
TO THE GAME!
Stupid Giants/Falcons:
No, yer bitter! The birds are 2-4 and still thinking about rescuing their season despite their Chiefs-like defense. The Jizziants are 1-oblivion. They’re shuffling their alphabet soup of an offensive line so that it now spells “fingers crossed” instead of “look out Eli”. Speaking of the younger Manning lad, he’s the one most responsible for an eventual Kyle Lauletta sighting. Sooo… GO KYLE! There’s a battle brewing between Ito Smith and Tevin Coleman in the Atlanta backfield. Ya see, the former is in the last year of his rook deal and indications are that management is going to let him go. The logic being that if he returns someday the love was real. If he doesn’t return to the Falcons uni, it was never meant to be. This is called ‘managing by using advice on inspirational posters in a 13 year old girls bedroom’. Hey, Mr. Moore! Funny seeing you here.
Get at it folks.
what i miss?
Here’s the part of the fixture where everyone tone deaf-ly shits on the “openly Black” players
Holy shit, the two minute warning? The players want this game over with as much as we do.
So, the Foam Zone. It’s nice to see that my marketing advertising brethren are still doing tons of good fucking drugs.
Yeah, what the hell was that? It was like a 90’s Nickelodeon game show for aftershave…
Foam Zone is what we called the utensil section in the mental hospital.
The foam zone is what I call my bathroom after I’ve said “fuck it” to my lactose intolerance and ordered the cheeseburger.
Oh please, O Dell does that shit on the sidelines because he’s a fucking baby. He’s not firing himself up. Someone needs to fill his helmet with diarrhea and medical waste and jam it on his fucking head. He’ll be fired up after that.
I once asked a visibly intoxicated Amani Toomer about Tiki Barber and he said, “Tiki Barber? You mean the Hawaiian guy who does my hair?”
7-0. INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD!
Into teh PUNT ZONE!
Meanwhile, back at the Manning household
If your kids name isn’t Alex that is strange.
I like how he plays for a team called Team
And in two weeks he’ll switch to basketball.
Sliced apple and peanut butter, better than it sounds.
That was the longest motherfucking commercial ever made about shoes in the history of human existence.
THEY’RE SHOES WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK! YOU PUT THEM ON AND KEEP YOUR FEET FROM HURTING!
Every female I’ve ever known in my life might not share your lack of passion.
alright chances Julio Jones actually catches a TD tonight?
Slightly worse than the chances of ANYONE catching a TD tonight?
I’m kind of gassy, so count me out.
Welp, there goes the chance of a 0-0 tie.
It’s almost half time?!? The game just started!
Sub-one hour first half? Oh, you better believe that’s a
paddlincommercial dump at halftime.I was more than a little sad to see the pattern broken.
This is some great redzone to redzone football.
Sponsored by MaxiPads
Eli is enraged that the pass rushers didn’t count to three mississippi before crossing the line of scrimmage.
In the old Georgia Dome there was a room called “The REAL Dirty Bird” and only Arthur Blank and Michael Vick were allowed to enter it.
Witten thinks the non-gendered Cowpersons won the trade, he really does have monkey jism for brains.
spirit animal
Jason Witten thinks that the Cowboys won the Cooper trade. Fuck off.
He’s been concussed more than once remember.
I have eaten the last of my bison chili. I am happy when no leftovers are wasted, and that one of my kids is now willing to also eat bison.
Typing with one hand sucks. I thought my teen years would have prepared me for this
Well that was a nice return. It will give the Giants great field position for when they’ll be punting three downs from now.
Get to own 40-45, punt, repeat until we all go mad.
YEP. Checks out.
alright J Jones. just 3 more catches for like 45 yards more. come on…..
And I think the people in the room above me are raising goats or something.
Maybe they’re doing baby goat yoga
http://extras.mnginteractive.com/live/media/site47/2017/0608/20170608__09rhsGoatYogaw~2_400.jpg
You’ve got to be “kidding” me!
I asked Phil Simms once what his favorite LT story was. “Oh man Brad Benson always was a locker room prankster! He once put Icy Hot on Jim Burt’s jock before practice and Parcells was livid, haha!”
“No, I mean Lawrence Taylor.”
“Just fill out a book of Mad Libs with cocaine and hookers as your nouns and that’s basically them.”
Can’t they switch to a more competitive game?
Zero – zero IS competitive.
Carolina with 30 shots in a period in a half: is this a hockey game or a Hippo-tWBS night out?
/adapts Brass Bonanza for banjo and jug
If you need a one-string-washtub-bass player I’ll be over there.
yea this game is broooooooorrrrrriiiiinnnnnnggggg!!!!
found a funny:
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
“A tight end end around?” [face turns red]
-Tom Coughlin
I remember meeting Jeff George at a bar. Unprompted he said, “I always thought June Jones was a woman until I saw the press conference.”
The only way this game could possibly be interesting is if they set some kind of record for how dull it is.
0-0 tie? TIE TIE TIE!
nil-nil in a dome would be delightful
Helpful hint:
Next time you’re stuck in a hotel for three weeks, make sure to get a room not adjacent to the elevator shaft.
Also, ice machine.
I’m hooked up with a mini-suite…full kitchen! That’s what you get with these sweet gub-mint jobs.
“Ha! Romonobyl got the shaft!”
the ding is now officially a PTSD trigger, eh?
Better that than a dong, right?
How many bodies did you throw down there?
Rookie mistake, man. Don’t forget there’s nothing stopping you from asking for a different room.
I know, but I’ve spent the last week making the place just so.
Fake out of order sign?
OR fat shame everyone into taking the stairs!
Ahem JUDGE Moore. I believe he has earned this honor.
perhaps we will get a slap fight before the night is through??
Would you settle for a pillow fight?
First team to 10 sacks wins!
Ohio State took such a beatdown on Saturday, Urban Meyer asked all his assistants to delete their texts.
Unfortunately, the illiterate bunch misunderstood him, and burned the library to the ground.
Fortunately, they didn’t know what a library looks like so the only damage was to the janitor’s shed.
Evander Holyfield. I’m sure he will age, like, SUPER GRACEFULLY.
Like a fine loaf of bread.
Jinkies! The Raiders have 5 first round picks for next year after the Coop trade. I’m kinda hoping he shops more good players now, see how much of the first round he can lock down, lol.
Zoinks!
He can’t lock down the teens because Ariel Castro beat him to it
If he can manage to get 22 first round picks, he can just draft the entire Alabama offense and defense. They’re probably better than the Raiders are now, anyway.
Eli could be the next spokesman for Huggies Pull-Ups, he’s damn near shitting himself every time he drops back and has defenders running him down.
Epic punting! Feel teh EXCITE!!
alright Julio Jones. Somehow just get me 8points and Ill be a happy camper.
I’m actually home early enough to catch MNF for once and it’s this sparkling gem of a game. Time to go find an illegal feed that isn’t too shitty!
Try http://www.germandomin- oh, NOT shitty.
I too like my pirate steams just shitty enough.
Eli can’t retire. Now that Toys ‘R Us is shut down, who can he do commercials for?
I’m imagining a totally baller Power Wheels commercial
Paul Kariya, an Asian guy, proving that name-based stereotypes are ok.
http://lajmi.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/67c809e4-e922-4505-a4bf-6cc05b81722e.format_jpeg.inline_yes.jpg
I wish there was someone in China rich and spiteful enough to buy out his contract and put him to work making iPhones.
Roman Reigns has leukemia and just dropped the title. For real.
I heard. That sucks. He’s not my favourite, but that’s horseshit.
I’m watching the end of Rocky III, and I just love that Rocky’s brilliant plan to tire out Clubber Lang out was “Let him hit me as hard as he can.”
Ah yes, the Homer Simpsons strategy.
(door flies open of DFO Clubhouse Fine China and Precious Heirloom Room; walks out holding a broken baseball bat)
Alright. I’m starting to feel better with all three of my teams crapping the bed last weekend.
You had better not have broken my bong from 1820!
The one made from an Inuit skull?
A 1st rounder for Amari Cooper?!!! A 1st rounder!!!!!! Cowboys could have had Josh Gordon for a 5th round pick.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Rae Carruth could have been gotten as a work release.
I hate this fucking team.
It’s like Jerral has done so many stupid things in his tenure, that somebody dared him to top his all-time worst decision.
With his substance abuse problems, Josh Gordon in Dallas wouldn’t have ended well.
I’m tempted to change my “Cooper” jersey to read “Pooper”. A bit highbrow for Raider Nation, but if I explain the joke they will get it.
Or Looper as you are a huge Levitt fan.
I like Iron Maiden, so “Trooper” is a definite possibility. If I were a superfan I could see doing a costume based on that.
Hahahaha dumbass it’s “Derrick”.
You sure it isn’t Dylan?
“Not entirely.”
– Derek Anderson’s mother