Welcome to Monday Night! In which we have the last game of the week and it happens to be a good one if you like the colour “light blue”.
This also works if you like teams that are stuck in the middle
of the mediocrity zone that is a .500 record.
Both teams have a 3-4 record and ASPIRE to reach the magical .500 mark.
On the one hand, you have the Cowboys, led by a tin of canned ham
and on the other you have a duck that continuously ducks to avoid getting hurt
by big fat defensive linemen that are only stopped by what basically resembles this:
So, what i’m saying is, we have a wonderful game ahead of us.
At least the game is in Arlington, so the crowd shots should be pleasant to watch.
Did you know there is a Victoria’s Secret store in Jerry World? I can sadly report that the last time I was there they basically only sold PJs, sweats, stuff like that. No thongs with a big Star covering up the hoohah.
Missed opportunity, JJ!
Enjoy the game!
Day light savings time turns me into Jack Torrance in the Overlook. Christ do I hate it.
Yep, that combined with just returning from the east coast scrambled my already pre-addled noodle.
I took it upon myself to change a lot of the clocks at work. Of course, the one “atomic” clock that is supposed to automatically adapt itself is the one that didn’t work.
I woke up at 6 am on a Sunday. People should swing for this shit.
So did I. It was bullshit.
maybe that’s why I had my freak-ass dizzy spell last night!
they need to disguise taking this dive at least un pequeno
College football continues to not amuse, interest, or otherwise elicit a response from me.
Pssssshaw! My side’s empty 10-2 is all I have to hold onto this season!
/knows will lose Thanksgiving week to 1-9 U*NC to fuck even that up
— Blair Walsh
we got a “que mal” there
Vrabel coaching Mariota may be second only to McCarthy coaching Rodgers in sadness
You could sleep with any female character from teh Office. Who ya taking?
Erin
Karen.
holly
Ryan cause he look like such a biiiiiiiiiitch
the one that’s Rashida Jones in real life
Jan
oooooooh, good call. SHE TIGHT!
Is the waitress from the Benihana episode eighteen?
if you have to ask, you lose all the sense of adventure!!
– Mark C., Appleton, WI
Steve Carell has tits now right?
Dak is bad, y’all
Dear corporate America, I get it that you are in the business of business. But fucking Xmas commercials already? Goddamn have you no shame at all sir, at long last?
“Hold our cognac.” — jewelry stores
We’ve replaced the Tennessee Titans with the Tennessee Volunteers. Let’s see if anyone notices.
Somewhere in the Caribbean, a Burger King is getting destroyed…
Jaylon Smith is a one legged Army
I’m a little bitter. My project got shelved. But the boss’s fiancee’s wife is a go. And the other fucking shit project, headed up by our pretentious dick hole creative director, is also going forward. Both of these projects will bring exactly jack fucking shit into the company.
They can both eat a dick
jfc tits
That’s it. I’m eating his Halloween candy. oh shit. They still make bottle caps.
Don’t snort those either
rooting for ten defense! goooo TITANS!
Even though it’s definitely well past time, it’s still crazy as fuck seeing pro-weed commercials on TV.
Coopers hands appear to be fully functional
Chaotic fumbles are the best fumbles.
That ball was covered in butter.
that was pure Sabado Gigante ahora
Another day of grounding for the boy, another day of catching him trying to get away with bullshit on tech he’s not allowed to touch while being grounded. Are kids these days just bad at sneaking shit? I can think of a million better ways to pull off what he’s trying to do, and I’m starting at that. Like, try to nap and wake up at 3 am when you know I’ll be asleep or try to find an old tablet that can run youtube lying in a closet or something. Literally anything but “walk directly past you to a room with a TV and then keep it loud enough so you can hear it” levels of stupid.
my asshole twin is the same way. 10 days after being busted with fake pee (then a drug test finding Xanax and weed), I go to gather towels and find a 2/3 empty case of regular Budweiser in her closet. Not even hidden at all. Just sitting there.
I dunno whether to be more offended at the lack of respect for my authority, apparent estimation of my intelligence, or the fact that is was…regular Budweiser.
The regular Bud is the bigger sin here. At least have some fucking taste while getting illegally drunk!
thing for me is she disrespects my house so much, when she’s 18 she’s off the (car) insurance and out the door. It’s gonna make me feel like a total shit, but I give up. Will help pay for an apartment is all.
Health insurance? For my company plan, coverage continues until 23 if the kid is in college. I’d keep that instead of paying for an apartment. No additional out of pocket cost…
yeah, I edited, I want her off my car insurance. Once it’s “family” it’s no extra, that would just be shitty, plus it doesn’t come with liability potential.
Good call.
Regular bud!? That’s not even #upforwhatever!
Plus all those empty calories!
eh, she’s TINY, plus could always throw up on purpose 😀
except mentally replace with bulimia
Derek Henry is one of the biggest disappointments all time.
No one was biggier than Edy Lacy
/Oh you said disappointment
//In which case see: Trent Richardson
He’s no Ki-Jana Carter
I dunno, I’ve still got a soft spot for him.
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I was more pumped about the block by Mariota
Yeah, that’s the real highlight, but I just wanted to relive the Chiefs’ anguish one more time.
I’m afraid we’ve seen the back of Chefs anguish for awhile
/until their fans get their post-physical test results back
Cam Newton
My longshot bets for manana – I put $40 on two longshot Gov. races that now appear to be closing rapidly at the end – Molly Kelly (NH, +950) and Drew Edmondson (OK, +1200). Everything else, I bet coinflips or Demmycrat favourites.
Like I said, I’m killing myself anyway if it all goes to shit, so might as well bet the upside. Either way, I win now.
Can you really bet on that? Not sure it this is sarcasm or not
I think you can in offshore sportsbooks.
I just put a bet down on whether Hippo will respond to your comment. Eeeeeeeeeeasy money.
WINNER!
on 5dimes you can, they didn’t have every race (and $50 max). I ended up betting Sinema, Rosen, Stabenow, Nelson, and the lady running against that Kobach asshole in KS, too.
For the favourites, I could bet enough to MAKE $50, so I won’t just like win $9 on Stabenow’s blowout (still can’t believe that was only -520).
found a funny:
no one knows where the sky starts. “here?” wonders one scientist, her hand just above her head. “how about here” says another, crouching.
“Here”
– Balls touching the first scientist’s ass.
Have you ever bought a toilet seat? Yesterday I bought two. Not cheapos, but good solid quality ones. But you can get expensive ones too. Some have heaters and/or lights (hope you have an outlet near your toilet), or expensive woods or gold plated hinges. It’s crazy, hundreds of dollars. And these were regular toilet seats that bolted onto any standard toilet, not some crazy Japanese digital toilet with a control panel. I’m finished talking about toilet seats now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oE0sddhCIdE
I got a heated toilet seat for Xmas one year. It gets uncomfortable after like 5 minutes, unless it’s SUPER cold
I have lights on mine but I got it from Amazon, and it’s separate from the seat.
Is it on a stage?
Am I the only one that doesn’t use the toilet seat? My ass is too wide…
Wait, what? How can your ass be too wide for a toilet seat? The size of the hole is all that matters. Unless you mean that…no. That can’t be what you mean.
So, another kicker getting cut this week?
no esta Dan Bailey!
PRAISE SHA’NKLOR
en espanol, por favor
When Zeke made that “keep feeding me” gesture he looked just like Kelvin Benjamin.
more like marcus dupree no ofence
I am also watching the Mexi-feed of el broadcaste
as I listen to this, I thank Balls for liberating me from the childhood stereotype belief that all Mexicans were Cowboys fans.
Mostly Steelers, Raiders, and Cowboys. Basically, any team that was good in the 70s.
I love the jerkoffs who never left Union County who are huge Cowboys fans.
Got an email from the youngest ‘s school today. In it,it tells the parent to stop letting your kid snort Rockets(for the Canadian folks) or Smarties (for the USA folks).
Seriously wtf is wrong with kids these days.
/for the record, my kid thinks it’s dumb and laughed about it
I thought snorting Rockets was when you did a line off a hooker’s ass with Vernon Maxwell
I snorted the sugar from a Pixy Stick.
ONCE.
That was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.
I’m hoping that these kids Darwin themselves out of the gene pool
Climate change is partially due to overpopulation. This would help.
we crushed and snorted those when I was a kid! Damned hipsters with their love of 80s kitsch
Stupid kids. Back in my day we had jobs and bought our own coke from the high school kids.
JJ is undressing Lisa in his mind right now. I’m surprised he can complete a sentence.
Lisa Live Assaulters
I really hope that Jerrahl’s insatiable need to be on camera means we get to watch him fucking die
I’ll make popcorn!
I only noticed last night that the couple in the Old Spice commercial where the guy is pulling a string of body wash out of a plate of nacho chips are both wearing Bills jerseys. What the fuck.
Bender, stop playing with your axe hole. Best line evar
So basically ESPN has her stuff behind a paywall?
I like to think she met some lucky internet message board commenter, got married, and retired.
Back when ESPN+ was a month-long trial, I figured what the Hell. I pretty much watched a bunch of 30 for 30s I never saw before and then got very bored. I already had MLB.TV so I didn’t care about the random baseball game you got for free. I couldn’t care less about Peyton Manning and Kobe Bryant breaking things down to the minutia, there’s people who do it better already and for free. And all the games that matter were still on TV or the app, It’s a bunch of shit I’d never watch for $4.99/month, if it were free, maybe, but not having access to it doesn’t ruin my day.
Having a bunch of Serie A and hockey coverage was tempting, but I already watch highlights elsewhere. I just let my subscription lapse after a month.
I keep it for the obscure shit I gamble on, also the paranoia that a Shitty Wolves ™ hoopsball match will be on it
Just gonna leave it on the Espanol feed for the fuck of it.
Usually when you see the boys meet the tits on Monday, it consists of awkward games of “7 Minutes in Heaven” and lots of pants changing at halftime.
Ah fuckin’ jesus look at that fucking bruise. Sometimes you have to put your body on the line for what you believe in. In this case, the normalization of a brutal, oppressive regime run by the wealthiest failson on Earth.
Oh sure, i post some Tits and everyone loses their mind. Gratliff does it and no bats an eye.
2/10. Obviously fake. Wouldn’t f***.
So, like, if everything goes bad tomorrow, is it cool to just give up?
Think of it as an excuse to drink more.
But I don’t drink now~ My doctor thought I was lying when I told her I don’t drink and my therapist says he thinks it’s a form of self-flagellation. It’s funny how they all tell you it’s bad for you, then when you don’t do it, they act like you’re broken because of it.
It just better be over by 8pm. i want to know how fucked the Nation is early.
Kemp is posting pictures of New Black Panthers with democratic posters photoshopped in. Georgia might have a fucking civil war.
Didn’t work out well the last time.
woot woot?
The sign in the last panel really makes the meme
This should be hanging in every Georgia City Hall. Remind those fucks to behave
The former superintendant of L.S.U. ! ! ! Ha ha ha ! ! !
Doubt if they’ll be done counting till late. I’m all stocked up on the booze and am taking Wednesday off.
Oh we were waiting till tomorrow to give up?
You have a Hippo Guarantee of a Seppuku (but with less blood) as soon as the season ends for RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!
Not before a strip club visit!
FAIR ENOUGH!!
Evening Folks.
Negaohio sounds like some type of Christmas-only flavor they sell at stores.
A Negroni but with chili
I wonder what the colors signify.
Dimensional rifts killed by great-aunt. Twice.
Nevada and Texas surprisingly relevant.
So is Florida.
NC is very appropriate!
I’m now reading “Nomadland” because I wanted to get even more depressed I guess.
/until tomorrow’s brief respite?
//am shooting myself if said respite no happen
I would enjoy Amari Cooper going TITS up (pun intended) so I can cut him in my money league for a Week 11 defense.
/when you are last/next-to-last in waivers priority, a brutha best be proactive out there
//plus I can play Valdes-Scantling instead Week 10 WOO!!
Ice Cowboys score early in the Titty Garden!
… and the answer … hooo boy.
I still don’t know what the Ice Pats were thinking trading Seguin.
I’m just glad to have him. In the past he’s done well in his old barn, maybe this game will snap his cold streak.
thinkin’s for queee-uhs!!
Oilers are suffering early in Washington; never seen that before.
Gruden should just go back to the booth for the rest of the season. It’d be better for the locker room and the ears of all viewers.
So it turns out that during the bye week where the Bengals have no scheduled games and have a week to rest, that AJ Green hurt his big toe and may be out for several weeks. Please consider this as a proposed addendum to the Bengals Bye Week Post:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKIoIjKITCw