EXTERIOR – CHARGERS PRACTICE FACILITY, COSTA MESA, CA – MIDDAY
[CALEB STURGIS walks alone to his car following Monday’s walk-through. He seems a bit forlorn, yet still has the semblance of an optimistic smile on face. As he is a few feet from his car, another vehicle rolls up]
[CAR DOOR FLIES OPEN]
PHILIP RIVERS: Howdy there, Caleb.
STURGIS: Oh, hey there, Phil. Good recap of the game today, huh?
RIVERS: Uh, yeah, sure was. Hey, sorry, I’m in a bit of a rush to beat the traffic. Did you get my text from earlier?
STURGIS: Huh? Oh, no, sorry. I must’ve missed it.
STURGIS: [Nervously] So, uh, what’s up?
RIVERS: Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a ride. I’m heading home for the day, and my wife is making 7 of those Costco lasagnas for dinner tonight, and you’d be welcome to stay if you wanted.
STURGIS: [Surprised] What, really? You mean it…?! Of course, I’d love to! What about my car though?
RIVERS: Oh, my driver can drop you back off here later if you’d like.
STURGIS: Wow, thanks! [Gets into the car]
STURGIS: This is incredible! It’s even more amazing than what I heard!
RIVERS: Aw shucks, thanks. I needed something to keep me occupied on my commutes.
STURGIS: Man, I would love to have something like this. After I got this job, I got an old truck, since I only have [clears throat] a little left.
STURGIS: [Oblivious] So, how long is the drive?
RIVERS: Well, it’s about two and a half hours without traffic, sooo…
[Five hours later]
STURGIS: …I’m just saying you guys get a lot more opportunities than we do.
[[The vehicle rolls to a stop and the sound of machines whir to life just outside the doors]
RIVERS: [Through gritted teeth] We’re here.
STURGIS: We are?! Oh, okay. Well, anyway, that’s the condensed version of why I think kickers have a harder job than you quarterbacks. Sorry to have to come up short there.
[Both men exit the vehicle as STURGIS examines the room]
STURGIS: Oh wow, is this your garage? Sure is big.
RIVERS: Heh, yeah. Lots of kids, you know. Need lots of space…
STURGIS: It just seems kinda empty.
RIVERS: Say, why don’t you just go on in and say hi to the Mrs.? I’ve got to haul some of my gear inside.
STURGIS: Oh? Can I help?
RIVERS: No, no, I’ve got it. I’ll be right behind you. Close the door tight until it clicks though; the wife get awful sore when someone lets any of the A/C out.
STURGIS: Sure thing, buddy! [Pulls open large metal door and disappears into the blackness.]
STURGIS: [Muffled] Hello? Tiffany? Sure is dark in here. And what kind of meat is in that lasagna? It sure is… potent!
RIVERS: HEY SHANKAPOTOMUS, WHEN YOU’RE SUCKING THE DEVIL’S HORNED KNOB, TELL HIM RIVERS SENT YA! [Gets back in the car as it speeds off]
STURGIS: [Muffled] Huh? Phil? I can’t hear you! Floor sure is wet, and… lumpy in here too… Oh, hey! There’s someone!
???: [Muffled] WHO DARES TO DISTURB THE MIGHTY BOLTMAN WITHIN HIS CHAMBERS WHILE HE TOTALLY STILL ISN’T MASTURBATING WITH THE BLOOD OF ANOTHER DEAD SPANOS?
STURGIS: [Muffled] Bolt…man? Is that you, Gunner? You’ve got quite the mouth on you for such a young man.
???: [Muffled] WHAT’S THIS? THE MORTAL BEARS THE MARK OF THE HERETIC?! OH HO HO, WHAT A FOOLISH HUMAN YOU ARE TO WANDER HERE, AND WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY FOR THE DEHYDRATED BOLTMAN! OOOOOOOHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! [The unmistakable sound of shredding air guitar fills the room]
STURGIS: [Muffled] Hey, careful there, son. Phil?! Can you please–
[Screams echo around the chamber and slowly fade in the empty abyss]