Today was the first day back at school, and I arrived afflicted with the planet’s deadliest plague –
The Man Cold.
I bravely soldiered on, yet was not lauded by my colleagues for strength in the face of adversity. So, tomorrow I’m coughing right into the coffee pot.
NFL News: Hippo’s got you covered with a Sunday rundown, so I’ll sweep up the garbage
- Well, people have ‘got’ Cody Parkey’s back:
- Philadelphia idiots have been sending money to “Cody Parkey” through Venmo as a thank-you for missing the kick.
- Leading enterprising Illinoisans to set up fake Parkey accounts so they get the money instead.
- the All-22 has “proof” Eagles DB Treyvon Hester got his mitt on the kick, which – although slight – might have had enough effect to change the spin rotation.
- Philadelphia idiots have been sending money to “Cody Parkey” through Venmo as a thank-you for missing the kick.
All-22 footage clearly shows Treyvon Hester got a piece of Cody Parkey’s final FG attempt vs. Eagles. pic.twitter.com/kAZdjdXug4
— Nick Shook (@TheNickShook) January 7, 2019
Deadspin has the Spanish call of the kick, and it’s delightful.
- Also excited about the Bears loss? The Raiders.
- The Bears, by virtue of record, were slotted into the #24 spot in the 2019 Draft, which is the Raiders’ pick from the Khalil Mack trade.
- If Dallas craps out this weekend, their pick that belongs to the Raiders would be 25th or 26th, depending on how the Eagles do.
- Who’s up for some Monday beef?
- Chargers OL Russell Okung claims Roger Goodell doesn’t want them to win, saying “Roger Goodell doesn’t want us to come home.”
- The Broncos are blocking teams from interviewing Gary Kubiak for available Offensive coordinator positions.
- Bears DC Vic Fangio has turned down the Dolphins, but will interview with the Broncos for their Head Coaching position.
Finally, more will likely come out tomorrow, but it appears the Packers have made their coaching decision already.
The #Packers are hiring former #Titans OC Matt LaFleur as their new head coach, source said. ESPN on it first. They’ve made the first hire.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) January 7, 2019
All that remains is the inevitable recriminations & hand-wringing about the Rooney Rule.
Tonight’s main attraction:
- College Football Playoff National Championship:
- Clemson vs. Alabama – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN
Based on the internet, there’s way more hate for Alabama
than Clemson
Most Clemson hate seems to come from Gamecock fans, because ‘bama fans have other concerns, or don’t care about opinions east of their state. This game (sigh) should go Saban’s way if only because of all the key players Clemson had suspended before the Cotton Bowl.
I do enjoy the fact that the trophy they’re playing for
looks like someone mashed together a Georgia O’Keeffe (thanks Sharkbait)
& a Mark Rothko.
It’s the college football equivalent of watching the Patriots & Steelers play, because each fanbase thinks the rest of the country is against them & that they’re hard done by, yet have been the two most successful programs in the last 10 years. They are both led by insufferable head coaches, for whom the process is everything and they are the true stars. The organizations preach team above all-else, and that their model of efficiency it the true test of their commitment to excellence. The only difference is that the college players aren’t paid.
Alabama & Clemson, much like the Steelers & Patriots, and their fans, can go jump off a fucking cliff. This game should end in a tie due to accidental release of tear gas in the stadium.
Tonight’s other sports:
- NHL:
- Blues at Flyers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Kings at Sharks – 10:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
- They are bringing back Hogan, Ric Flair & others for a Mean Gene celebration.
- Please enjoy this classic WWF bit with Mean Gene & Randy Savage.
- They are bringing back Hogan, Ric Flair & others for a Mean Gene celebration.
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
WHATCHA GONNA DO?!
Nothing like watching a random episode of The Sopranos and trying to place when it happened by who’s still on the show that you know died at some point.
I don’t think it’s a great sign when the makers of a movie go to great lengths to tell you how hard the actress worked on the movie.
Unless it’s porn.
“Vicki really mailed it in on that one; couldn’t tell if she was giving a blow job or yawning.”
All I want is 2 hours of laser eyes space fight Captain Marvel. What I’ll get is 2.5 hours of exposition, 3 minutes of space fight, cliff hanger, and a post credits sequence introducing fucking Mr. Sinister.
I saw a music festival a few years ago (KROQ’s Weenie Roast – held at Chargers Field), and Imagine Dragons was maybe 2nd headliner. It was intolerable, but I had expensive beer. Cage The Elephant was really good. That’s the story!
So that’s where they moved it to! What happened to Irvine Meadows?
Condos or apartments, I forget which. RIP Irvine Meadows.
Awww… boo!
I think it shut down a couple years ago.
When are major sports going to give me the Elvis Costello/The Squeeze halftime show that will resonate with my household?
/cums
Really need to see Squeeze again. Been about 20 years.
Up With People! (except they’re all naked)
Hard with People!
Up People
George Clinton doesn’t seem to age. Good for him.
Gotta have the funk.
I have seen him twice and both shows were unreal. The spaceship on stage was great when on hallucinogens
Saw him in 1976 or 77 at the rodeo arena in San Antonio with this cute black girl that I worked with. Awesome show. I think I was the only white person in the whole place except the off-duty cops working as security.
I have this on mute, but watching it without sound it still is making me fly into a rage.
Lyrics to sell Gatorade with
THE HAMBURGLAR
Keep in mind, they get paid for this. Other people get paid to think about this for “entertainment.”
Other people get paid to clean up afterwards
Well, they get paid 3/5 what a legal resident of the US would get paid.
Boy, the homeless problem is bad in NoCal too!
Dean Spanos stumble onto the screen?
Nothing like coming back from a dog walk to see fucking Imagine Dragons on the TV.
Off to HBO for the half.
Have fun Huffing Ballsweat Ostentatiously!
Come to think of it, I could use a shower.
Welcome to Silicon Valley
Imagine Pants (That Fit)
i see an outline of everything.
is the imagine dragon guy waiting for some kind of flood or is that the latest stupid as fuck fashion?
Everything is coming up Millhouse in 2019
So what exactly made Imagine Dragons the Sports Band?
Poverty
Nickleback had already been shunned .
Whiteness. So much whiteness.
Ahh, San Francisco . . .
A mere 50 miles away from this game.
I left my heart in San Francisco… and I won’t get it back in time to reinsert it in my chest because of a BART outage.
Peloton is the whitest form of exercise since croquet.
Squash would like a word.
*glues a tablet to elliptical*
That’ll be $1700, please.
zoomba tosses hat into ring
Shuffleboard on line 2 for you boss.
It’s January. FUCK YO MASTERS!
The Clemson Head Coach would be the head jailer in a small southern town back in the 1950s. He would rent out the prisoners for cheap labor and once in awhile maybe rape a racoon on perhaps a boar.
And talk about GAWD a lot.
I mean, he already does that, but still.
Alabama losing by double digits you say? Well I guess I’ll check this game out after all…
…aaaaand it’s halftim
ONLY A FEW MORE MINUTES TIL IMAGINE DRAGONS YOU GUYS!!!
/deafens self
Cool. The mushrooms are kicking in right at the right time.
maybe Savage Garden will make a guest appearance
I would love that. Truly. Madl-
/gets murdered by every commentist at the same time
that nipple has stretch marks. HAWT!!
That’s his IQ on his shoulder.
20 minutes on the phone with my mom and I’m envious of Phineas Gage.
He had sex with your mom???
I fucking loathe alabama and all the bandwagon fuckwads who run around yelling roll tide.
but those ladies in the one piece majorette marching things. wow. they make my pants tight.
k thanx bye
its ROLL DAMN TIDE u Libtard ,, smh
What’s up my fellow shaved simians?
I don’t remember sending you my recent dick pic, but hey.
The anti-Saban erections.
off to buy MOAR Bitcoin!
/gee, I won’t lose it all AGAIN, those last 8 times was a TOTAL FLUKE
It’s not going to happen, but I’d love for Clemson to score and score and score and basically embarrass Alabama.
Alabama became a Big 12 defense I barely even noticed.
Wait…was “Kyle” in that sushi ad the same kid from the Royal Tenenbaums? Dudley?
Dudley’s a different kid but I love that gif.
Dudley:
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2019/01/trump-didnt-realize-a-government-shutdown-would-shut-down-the-government
But every congressional Republican and most of his staff did, so fuck ’em all.
So unsurprised, what’s your beef with gadot? I’m legitimately curious.
I know some people give her crap for saying some things about israel, and some people give her crap simply for being Israeli.
If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free
I don’t get it. My penis gets hard for all races.
Racism just limits one’s poon options.
Or sets the market rate for orphans
plus, it’s hard to look at Roseanne Barr and one’s penis to retain any white supremacy
She became a public face for IDF at a time when people are starting to realize how fucking awful the IDF is becoming. It’s to be expected.
my deal is: 1) I give the Israelis a considerable amount of latitude for beings dicks, considering, YOU KNOW; and 2) It’s not like the United States is really any better.
/but yeah, the right over there is cray
I can’t abide systematically suppressing an ethnic group, let alone when it’s a majority that recently survived genocide attempts. No matter how shitty Palestinians were 40 years ago, Israel today is an apartheid state. Left leaning Israelis can say it, but it apparently makes you a radical in this country to even consider it. Meanwhile, states are forcing contractors to sign oaths of loyalty to a foreign country. It’s insanity. My grandmother was born in a concentration camp. My great grandmother was buried with numbers tattooed on her. That informs my beliefs, and tells me to my core that what they’re doing is wrong.
Huh. I have no snark to add, and agree completely with you.
very good response. The fucked-up history of the region, and the collective guilt that we should all bear as Americans for how we denied refugees during the 1930s….I don’t know how you solve it, nor do I feel like my input is going to be welcome or helpful in any way.
As long as England and America hold veto power in the UN, they can do whatever the fuck they want. There are strong Jewish voices of opposition from within and without, but all the international backing goes to the warmongers trying to develop a steamroller big enough to flatten an entire race.
It probably doesn’t help that i have a fundamentally bad understanding of everything israel.
I know Palestinians were living there, hebrews invaded and claimed it for themselves, and there’s been mixed opinions on everything since
As always, the British Empire is to blame.
The allies went to fucking Jerusalem like it was a fucking episode of house hunters international. Rich given that most refused Jewish refugees when the genocide was kicking off.
Why do we hate the International Dildo Fellaters again?
My beef’s about 5.1 inches, for her.
Oh, lookit the gifted braggart.
I think that guy Jamie in the Progressive ad has been doing some serious embezzling.
plus I bet he utilizes some dope negging techniques, bro!
Nah, it’s the hot wife that makes all the money in the family. Kind of like the Brady/Giselle thing.
The Samoan reference below reminded me of this.
That was a super cool moment.
How do these supposedly impoverished college football players afford the elaborate, and I imagine expensive, tattoos that many of them sport?
Right?
They also need to get off your lawn.
Not if they’re mowing, raking, or weed-whacking it.
But I thought we established there aren’t any Mexicans playing.
I pay them to do some of that, but without the weed part.
student athletes
prison ink just costs a little time in juvie!
Art class, that they don’t attend yet get a 4.0.
So, this is going to make Chiefs-Rams look like a defensive struggle, huh?
well, looks like I shall retire for slumber at the half, then.
Did we bet the total?
we took the Tide, even with the points. But mostly I hate Dabo!
I hate Dabo more than Saban, but I hate Bama (and fans) more than Clemson.
So far Into the Spider-Verse has a good soundtrack, but trying to play any Biggie Smalls is just … Eh. Even the radio cut needs editing. Well, valiant effort I guess.
I assume you’re watching it at home? I loved the visuals in the theater, not sure if it will look nearly as good on a small screen.
It’s pretty good so far.
Didn’t make you big poppa boner, eh?
I want to hate you for that, but I LOLed.
You can do both.
[takes off belt]
– Galu Tagovailoa
“You had enough little man? You want Samoa???”
All I gots is stupid puns tonight. Sorry.
Hurtz time?
“Hertz is slashing our prices!”
REPEATEDLY AND WITH GREAT PREJUDICE
ALLEGEDLY!
Tua is colour blind?
Way Tua far.
Back into full swing with the workout regiment. Got the diet started up again today.
Breakfast: two light yogurt cups, trail mix bar, protein drink. 450 cal.
Lunch: half bowl of chicken and rice soup. 190 cal.
Dinner: meatball sub the size of my arm with what had to be a half pound of cheese melted on top w/ those good ass steak fries you only get in one of those try hard pizza places, washed down with whatever fries the boy didn’t eat. >∞ cal.
Time to work out and lie to myself that it evens out.
discover the magic of #ShameVomit!
To the vomitorium!
it is my #2 business idea after the Sports Opium Den. A really good BBQ restaurant/donut shop with vomitorium adjacent.
A large exit in a stadium or arena is also called a vomitorium.
ppl forget taht
Nae. I’m gonna do a whole ass hour long workout after that and tell myself what a fat fuck moron I am for doing that to myself. Will make me feel better about the pizza I’ll eat before tomorrow’s.
For some reason I just watched Wreck-It Ralph 2 and am now watching Into the Spider-Verse.
Re: WR2, I really hate Gal Gadot.
I think she Israeli pretty.
I think she’s an IDF cheerleader and so she can go fuck herself.
Oh, like that one from Louisville?
I would love to be with a tall, purty lady that knew all the cray-cray Israeli ninja ways to kill a man. Really keep one on one’s toes, yeah?
Krav MakeAmericaGreatAgain
Seems like tackling the Bama running backs would hurt.
Okay, I hope this keeps up, because it’s kinda fun.
was ESPN really trying to get a kid thrown out of the TITLE GAME for that tackle??
It was helmet to helmet though.
Yeah but who do you call it on? The QB lowered his head too.
YOU GET AN EJECTION!YOU GET AN EJECTION!
Fuck the helmet to helmet rule. Fuck it, I want to see someone die on the field.
wud b GRATE 4 ratings
Rovell just came at the thought.
JONATHON! JONATHON!
How the hell is it Saban can get 45 five-star linemen, have 60 freaking assistant coaches and GAs, and can only get sentient piles of dog poop for kickers? Was that the catch in his contract with Beelzebub?
There’s always the fine print.
He’s racist and refuses to give scholarships to Latinos?
the good kickers are always Catholic?
When I’m finally elected Dictator 5 Lyfe I will activate my master plan: the words “adulting” and “to adult” are secret trigger phrases that ignite the excess fluoride in the speaker’s bones and they burn to death.
Jesus Fuck, Saban. Just go grab a Mexican off the street at halftime and take your chances.
/redux
There has to be a Home Depot in Santa Clara.
That’s where they found Rafael Septien, except it was called Builder’s Square back then.
ICE already deported them all.
SANKCHUARY STAET!!!
He can get a Chinaman though
Not the preferred nomenclature.
I’m not talkin about some guy who built the railroads here
If you think I’m watching any football tonight after yesterday’s bullshit, you’re out of your damn mind
An upright was doinked.
Vanderpump Rules it is!
I hope you weren’t watching that last PAT…
For a second I read that as “damned football” and was like, yeah, Nick Saban is coaching, it’s damned all right.