Divisional Saturday Roundtable and 12 January Lesser Footy Thread

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

HAIL GAMBLOR!  European footy is mostly all back this weekend.

Arsenal ride into West Ham to start festivities (7:30, NBCSN).  The Gooners are feeling the hot breath of Man U(re) for 5th position, while the Hammers have worked their way up to the top half (10th).  Could be fairly interesting.

Redshite visit 13th position Brighton in the main 10:00 window fixture (NBCSN)…and nobody wants to see that.  All your other options are NBC Gold, though.  I would recommend Palace/Watford for likely quality, Fulham at Burnley for a possible relegation scrap preview.  Mighty Whitey are out of the FA Cup (in less than proud fashion), and might have a bee up their arses for this one.  Or they are just ded in the water.  YMMV.

Newcastle are away to Chelsea in the spotlight dance (12:30, NBC), which should be a right bumming.  Feel free to watch college hoopsball, as I will with Shitty Wolves taking on hapless Pitt.

GAMBLOR speaking, I like Bury at home to the wonderfully named Milton Keynes Dons (League 2, 10:00) and Barnsley home to Bradford City (League 1, 10:00).  Fuck you, YOU have a problem.

Our Young Boys are just having a friendly this weekend, and the rest of the continent is fairly meh.  I would keep an eye out for Porto away to Sporting, in Portuguese action.  They are…not on friendly terms (10:30, probably one of the weird channels or online).

Onward we go, to Roundtable thoughts:

Beer Guy Rob:

Colts/Chiefs – The Colts stand a chance, so long as Jim Irsay reminds travelling Indy fans to bring buckets of gravy to KC so Andy Reid blows timeouts contemplating his dipping sauce options. 24-21 Chiefs

Cowboys/Rams – Zeke’s gonna get fed a whole bunch of Aaron Donald, with a side helping of Suh. 35-7 Rams

WCS:

Clots/Chefs – Pill Poppers are playing great, but, does a playoff win over a team that only exists in theory count? Andy Reid waits to become Playoff Andy Reid in another conference championship game. 34-17 Chefs

Bad Hair/GAWD DAMN STARS – A battle between two of the most loathsome owners in all of sport. Whoever wins, we all still lose. 37-14 Hairpieces
 
Old School Zero:
 
Chefs/Clots – fans will look across the aisle, one seeing platters of food that is all fried, the other seeing buckets of grub slathered on too sweet sauce, and the resulting glutton orgy will summon Caligula to midfield.
 
Cows/Ewes – this excellent match up will be overshadowed by the widespread insanity caused by a lingering camera shot of Jerry Jones and Stan Kroenke fucking on a pile of public money.
 
Horatio Cornblower:
 
Chiefs/Colts –  THIS MATCH UP I CALL IT OPEN HEART SURGERY, BECAUSE BOTH FAN BASES ARE HEADED FOR IT.  The game?  Eh, 24-13 Colts.  Never underestimate Andy Reid’s ability to fuck up a good thing, like a buffet.
 
Cowboys/Rams –  This is going to be like a track meet where one team is represented by Usain Bolt and that other by the runner-up in the Special Olympics.  The Rams are Usain Bolt.  24-13  LA-by-way-of-St.-Louis.
 
Yeah Right:
 
Indy/KC – Andy Reid continues to perform post season miracles as he shits himself in a late defeat to Indy 37-33. FYI I bet the Clots strait up.
 
Dallas/LA – Despite having a solid ground attack, the Rams build an insurmountable lead and DAK DAK DAK magic provides too little too late. Rams 42-20
 
Why Eagles Why?:
 
Colts/Chiefs – Call me crazy, as I contend that Andy Reid is still the best Eagles coach ever, even though Tank McNamara won the Super Bowl. But people are riding the Colts’ jocks a bit hard. KC is still at home with the MVP playing. This feels like the Peter Principle game for the Colts. KC 34 IND 27
 
Cowboys/Rams – It brings me no pleasure to report, but the Cowboys are going to the NFC Championship Game. The key for me is that they have found the best version of themselves. The Rams have struggled lately, and I think the layoff hurts them, not helps them. I can’t stop thinking about how they didn’t show up at home in the playoffs last year. Never discount the possibility of The Clapper self-immolating, but… DAL 24 LAR 23
 
Game Time Decision:
 
KC vs IND – Think that KC manages not to Reid itself and makes Hodor spit and drool all over itself.  If I had any money, which I don’t, i’d bet the over and take the points on KC.
 
DAL vs LA – JJ goes home sad and hopefully fires Princeton.  Dak takes a bad a sak or 2, and they don’t feed Elliot enough.  Gurley’s wonky knee holds and runs all over Dallas.
 
King Hippo:
 
Chefs/Humps – I went up to -135 for a lower spread (Chefs – 3.5), which is probably a sign I shouldn’t bet this matchup.  But I did.  I think the Indy hype machine is burning a bit too hot, and the hostile, cold environs will be hard on a dome team.  Plus, as strange as it is to say this…KC has the better QB.  Believe in the counter-narrative – Fat Andy’s redemption.  KC 33, IND 24
 
Non-Gendered Cowpersons/RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! – This line is just getting out of control, though I think LA presents similar matchup problems for DAL as DAL did for SEA.  I also think last season’s playoff pitch-shitting will get the OKC Bomber’s charges focused and out for blood.  We always like blood!  LA 30, DAL 14
 
Senor Weaselo:
 
Humps/Chefs – There will be points! Oh you best believe there will be points. I guess it comes to if you believe in Mahomes neutralizing Andy being Andy, but in all I think that Reich’s men will find a way to beat the reds at their home in the dead of winter. I mean what could possibly go wrong?
 
N-GCP/RAMMIT – Hopefully 100% Gurley Man vs. the Cowboys run D which allowed under 4 per attempt, wash. Elliott vs. the Rams run D which very much allowed over 4 per attempt, not wash. Hippo’s prophecy dies and he has to go to the Kit Kat Club or wherever, because what good is sitting alone in your room?
 
Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy:
 
 
Balls of Steel and Fury:
 
Colts-Chiefs – While the Hodors have played well, I don’t think their defense is stout enough to limit the Chiefs’ offense and I don’t think their offense is strong enough to keep pace with it. Chiefs win at home.
 
Rams-Cowboys – The word around town is that it will be a home-field advantage for the Cowboys as the smart Rams fans will sell their tickets for a major profit and watch at home as there is rain expected and no one in LA knows how to drive in the rain. There IS a large Cowboys fanbase in LA due to the Oxnard training camp, but i’m guessing it will be 50-50 at most. I think whichever team shits the bed less will win. Call it the Cowboys as they’re basically playing with house money right now.
 
Son of Spam:
 
Colts-Chiefs – Chiefs blow out overachieving Colts with Reid unable to screw up clock management.
 
Rams-Cowboys – Rams beat resilient Cowboys team because any other outcome would make me sad and I don’t wanna be sad right now.
 
Litre Cola:
 
Colts-Chiefs – I am on a streak right now thank you Cody Parkey. I see the Clots beating the Chefs as the Clots can play D and it will confuse the ketchup aficionado.
 
Rams-Cowboys – RAMMIT will take it to the Non Gendered Cowpersons but I am extremely biased.
 
Sharkbait (partial credit again):
 
Colts-Chiefs – Indianapolis wins on the road by running the “Reid Option”, wherein Andy Reid’s options to stop the clock are nonexistent, leaving the Chiefs too big a hole to climb out of with too little time on the clock.
 
King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Who put down the biggest bet today for this weekend??? Let’s see if it’s a trip to the vet.

scotchnaut

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

1 Girl 2 Cups

Fronkenshteen

You ever talk with your father and think, “Is he really this stupid, or does he think I am?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Actually no, and I feel very fortunate now that you mention it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not since we stopped talking about politics.

ballsofsteelandfury

SNOW GAME!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Game just might go Full Hamm…

/is that what yer saying?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

That’s the dream.

— A. Reid

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THERE’S NO GAME? AAAAHHH!!!!
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scotchnaut

“Florida State hanging with Duke so far… Nice.”

-Rudolf Hess

Don T

I heard this yesterday and then nonstop. TOO GOOD
Rita Indiana y Los Misterios – Ping Pong Blues

Don T

You can’t tell much from the sweater, but I’ll bet (1:2) Rita Indiana’s shoulders are 👑 Hippo-grade:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently I currently have the favor of BOLTMAN, as I managed to successfully change a light switch without shocking myself or burning down my house.

scotchnaut

David Byrne feels like you’re saying that’s a bad thing…. he’s shaking his goddamn talking head as we type.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

Bacon, mac and cheese dog?

Why the fuck not?

Garcon!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Hey guys! Everyone excited for tonight’s Bears game? Yeah! Right Ha! HAHAHAHA! Hehehehehe… *eye twitches*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Canuck lower-class rebuttal

scotchnaut

The part I love the best is when he talks to the microwave.

Wrong! It’s when he blows the baloney.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d prolly eat either, but would have to be high as fuck for the baloney one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

That’s why I couldn’t work at a Ice Cream Factory. I’d get fired and/or diabetes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Redshirt

Bengals have let Hue Jackson go.

Here is the Official-ish DFO Recap of my reaction of Hue Jackson from his return to nearly become Head Coach of the Bengals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least they went after a white guy with NO experience.

Redshirt

Yes, I know they got Dave Shula 2.0. But unlike 1.0, this guy has a better QB, OL and Mike Brown will be dead soon, and holy shit, I’ve reverted back to 1990s Bengals fan where I’m unrealistically optimistic about the Bengals chance.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Who knows, but it will take a while.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey man, you’ve got a good eight months before your hopes get dashed horribly; enjoy the ride!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I hate it when things I read make it harder to mock my favorite targets:

https://www.si.com/nfl/2019/01/11/todd-marinovich-dad-marv-quarterback-drugs-rehab

scotchnaut

“Raised by a Complete Fucking Asshole And Still Dealing With It: The Todd Marinovich Story”

I think we should put those sorta jokes to bed right beside the Rodgers’ tripe

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, I don’t want to, but you are probably right.

scotchnaut

“I’m still (barely standing). What about me?”

-Ryan Leaf, appropriating Elton John

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

It sounds like Marv is going to die alone and covered in his own filth, so for once the universe has gotten things right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, he has some meth.

scotchnaut

/youngest buys me a fold-out crossword (I love crosswords) that he shows to me via iPhone pic. It’s so big that it must be done on the floor

Me: “That’s fantastic! I can’t wait to do it!”

Son: “How long do you think it’ll take you to finish?”

Me: “I haven’t got a clue.”

[rounds the bases, waves to the crowd]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

I wish the birds saints game was today, so I could know if I should properly root for Cowboys’ destruction, but alas, I am torn between the possibility of ripping the heart out of Dallas fans everywhere and the possibility of the Eagles having home field advantage in NFC championship against a team physically incapable of competing against them.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

“against a team physically incapable of competing against them.” but that somehow went 2-0 against them in the regular season.

Gratliff

The home game would be against LA, no matter who goes there

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s just a fact; ignore it!

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Fronkenshteen

Wat?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Big Sausage looks out for you.

scotchnaut

“I hope it’s a boy!”

-Marv Marinovich

scotchnaut

Me: “We’ve gotta talk. Sit down.”

Thread: “Me? What did I do?”

Me: “I don’t like the way you’re headed.”

Thread: “What? I’m just manifesting the commenter’s stream of consciousness!”

Me “All I’ll say is that if you keep this up, urine big trouble.”

Game Time Decision

As long as we don’t cross the streams we’ll be fine

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I don’t like the way this is headed…” – thread, after being picked up by Andy Reid’s tailor

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m glad Drew is on the mend. We need him to write more lines like these:

They are the league’s straight man, here to take a pie to the face for your enjoyment. Being a Chiefs fan means you never get to be the hero. You don’t get the girl. You don’t get any of the good lines. You are a minor obstacle for the main characters—Patriots, Broncos, Colts, etc.—to overcome on the path to glory. You will always be a supporting player in some other person’s story. You are The Baxter. Andy Reid will make sure of it.

scotchnaut

He’s better? Look at me getting all choked up over here…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

For you last minute bet makers, it’s pissing some serious rain in the LA area and maybe consider the under on a sloppy Coliseum playing surface.

Says the guy who took the over.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

I’m not saying this is why West Ham won today, but, Mia Khalifa posting this a couple of days ago might have gotten the juices going.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For someone who spends so much time in bed, Mia looks like she could use a little more sleep.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“OK, I can fix that.”
-Darren Sharper

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

That was a pretty solid show.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Never saw it. Faux spanking a redhead was the point. Let’s get faux naughty.

scotchnaut

Faux naughty? You got it buddy!

[folds sweatshirt without aligning the sleeves]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that’s just fucking hard kink, man. You better be careful taking it to the edge like that; it can ruin a relationship, bad feeling, guilt, jealousy…… just be prepared for the repercussions with open and honest communications.

scotchnaut

It’s all cool. I’m Maggie Gyllenhaal from “Secretary”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

As long as you have a good tree.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[gets dougnut-ty]

– Andy Reid

Game Time Decision

What show is this?
/seriously
// asking for me

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What r u lookin’ at.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

‘The Guild’…. I have no idea.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Moosebees with a nifty comeback, but Hammers still top half of the table!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Colts over Chiefs 31-27 (upset special!)
Rams over Cowboys 27-17
P*triots over Chargers 27-17
Saints over Eagles 27-20

I REALLY want to Bolts to beat Brady & Co., but don’t think it will happen. I think the Chefs will wind up outscoring the Colts, but I’m going with the upset special anyway. Rams have had two weeks to heal and game plan; they out score the Cowpersons. Saints control the Beagles with too much offense.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

After seeing the weather in KC it may be much lower scoring, but I have to stick wit da pick.

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That said; these are good match-ups that could go either way. Hopefully good games and the teams I hate going down.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Had one of those moments where I vividly dreamt about getting into a huge fight with lady BFC and woke up pissed at her.

scotchnaut

‘At her’, ‘on her’, whatever gets you going in the morning. smgdh

Wakezilla

“Pissed at her? Go on”

R Kelly

Seriously though, I hate those dreams.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hum, heard that joke somewhere before…..

Wakezilla

First Saturday of the yearbook that I gots to work. Hungover, barely awake on the C-train and running late.

I’m nailing it like Sebastian Janikowski

Senor Weaselo

Straining your hamstring?

Wakezilla

My right hamstring does feel a little stiff, now that I think of it

Fronkenshteen

Need football now please!
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scotchnaut

Open thread gets started in a mere 3 and 3/4 hours!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jockjam Doorslam would be a fantastic username, just in case anyone happens to be lurking.

litre_cola

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I GIVE UP.

litre_cola

At work and thought my phone going off was bad news and was ready for an angry morning. SHURRRRLLLLLEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL

rockingdog
rockingdog
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Our great President Donald Trump told us the situation here is an emergency and, as you well know, the most sensible response to any emergency is to spend five to 10 years building a large wall.

[chuckles]

rockingdog
rockingdog

Nice work BFC laying down the monies!!!!! $$$!!!!!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Jay Gatsby is West Ham’s biggest fan, but he really wanted to be an East Ham fan.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Three things ranked in order of their apparent duration:
1. Soccered season
2. Baseball season
3. Mesozoic Era

theeWeeBabySeamus

This is a weekend to pick against the favorites if ever there was one.

litre_cola

*favoUrites

Fronkenshteen

Fronkenshpawn:
/sees Dad sleeping
//picks up his phone

Gooners will do to West Ham what I just did to this diaper.

Colts will make Missouri cry like me when I’m tired of fatso here, and want to go back to mom.

Zeke will burn through the Rams D like the laser that burned out my tongue and lip ties yesterday.

///puts phone back in Dad’s robe
////poops

litre_cola

Ai did nae know that Nasri played for West Ham. High end underage hookers at City and now toothless east London slappers.

ballsofsteelandfury

FYI, it’s 4:13 AM in LA and it’s raining pretty steadily. Methinks the track at the Coli wil be MUDDY. Adjust your bets accordingly.

litre_cola

I still think RAMMIT will pound em.

ballsofsteelandfury

The rain does benefit the passing game although it’s stopped now. It may not be that bad…

theeWeeBabySeamus

E Coli?
No thanks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Can we get back to the football discussion.