Your “You Can’t Do That On Television!” AFC Playoff Game Open Thread

Fallout:

-T.O. opened up his bridge-burner again and to no one’s surprise threw hc Garrett under the bus for having the gall to lose to a superior team. Several wanks were wanked.

-Harvey Dahl awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests(?) for not expressing himself like an Anthony Hopkins in The Remains of The Day during the heat of competition.

-Aqib Talib awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests for not expressing himself like Peter Sellers in Being There during the heat of celebration post-game.

-not exactly fallout but one of the linemen, Bob Kuechenberg from The ’72 Dolphins, passed away. He was one of those classy racists (like Matt Birk and Tim Thomas) that turned down a White House visit back in 2013 because a black fella happened to be running the nation at the time.

TO THE GAME!

Muscle Cars/Tea Party Throwers:

This doesn’t bode well-Rivers has never beaten Brady head-to-head in a game. However, in the man-to-man matchup in The Game of Life he’s way up 9-3. (I’m assuming Tiffany will come through with the deliverable-she’s a seasoned pro in her own right)

If you’re a history nutball like myself you’ll happen to know that the very first time these two met in a championship game (back in January of ’63) the Chargers came away with a 51-10 victory.

Sorta looks like near the end of the line for both Brady (maybe another year?) and Gronk especially after you saw the latter stumble and totter while trying to chase that Fins player during that miracle win.

It’s time for a bloody… Ceasar.

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herodotus450

And you people want to EXPAND the playoffs?

nomonkeyfun

The Chargers defense is putting up as much resistance as Mrs Rivers ovaries.

Old School Zero

They have as much give as her uterus at this point

Gratliff

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Horatio Cornblower

Is he wearing lipstick? Because that would certainly call into question whether you can, in fact, put lipstick on a pig.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[jots down an idea to make a barbecue sauce called “lipstick” and market it to the Andy Reid demographic]

Redshirt

I went to their website for three seconds to see what it was. Now I’m clearing the history and debating formatting the harddrive to ensure its completely removed from my computer.

Dunstan

I love the “caution” warning. BE CAREFUL, LADIES, THIS MAN IS GOING HIS OWN WAY!

Col. Duke LaCross

I think Next-Gen stats have hit the “more harm than good” stage.

Viva La Tabula Raza

New Magnum P.I. has as much chest hair as a 10 year old. Tom Selleck had a bear-fur welcome mat there. How times and styles change.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When my cat sleeps on my chest it brings me to about 50% of Tom Selleck’s level of chest furriness.

Sharkbait

How much did maroon 5 have to pay the NFL to perform?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bob Kraft gets to spend fifteen minutes with Adam Levine’s wife.

Horatio Cornblower

Looking for the sliver lining here, but perhaps this will kill Dean Spanos?

...

If a team loses and there are no fans to hear it, did it ever play at all?

LemonJello

With these new leagues starting up, will we get to see relegation from the NFL?

nomonkeyfun

Well, there is Kaep.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Buddy of mine bought two tix at Gillette, 9 rows up from the field, 10 yard line, this morning from someone that didn’t want to go, for $230 each. Apparently lots of folks were dumping tix because it’s cold out. Pussies. I think even NE fans are starting to get bored with the monotony of winning all the fucking time.

Horatio Cornblower

They may be bored watching it but I can assure you they won’t shut up about it.

Redshirt

I just spent 15 minutes explaining to my parents that Digital Antenna Over-the-Air Broadcasts isn’t exactly like the Analog Rabbit Ears Over-the-Air Broadcasts.

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What did I miss in the game?

Horatio Cornblower

A snuff film broke out.

Fronkenshteen

They’re gonna beat KC, aren’t they? Brady just gets rid of the ball too damn quick.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It would have been really stupid to bet the Bolts on the ML, huh?
I’m sure happy I don’t know anyone who did that.

/looks around sheepishly
//goes and weeps in corner

LemonJello

So, with nothing to lose, will one of the ostracized Charged Ones please cripple Tawwmmmy?

Fronkenshteen

Division playoff week sucks.

Dunstan

We now go to our studio for more Brady-fellating.

tundrajim

The Pats missing out on a field goal at the end of the half is going to be a key turning point in this game that no one will remember two days from now.

Gratliff

Oh no. ONly up by 28? Fire this fucking coaching staff.

Old School Zero

Could score at the end of the half? Patriots are over. Cancelled.

herodotus450

The vaunted, patented Pats “score before halftime then receive the ball and score again” strategy that no other team ever thought of could put them up by 38 instead of 35.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe in the second half Brady will only throw left handed, all the receivers and backs will move to the offensive line, and all the offensive lineman will play at receiver/back. It might make the game a little more competitive.

Horatio Cornblower

/takes dog for a long walk
//rebuilds the outdoor cat’s winter survival structure while she meows what are probably curses at me
///removes dog shit from backyard, adds to neighbor’s yard
////makes delicious PB&J sandwich and settles in to see how his deal with the Universe to give a Cowboys’ loss last night for a Patriots’ loss today is going

Ah, yes. Well then.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THE PATRIOTS TOOK A TIMEOUT! STOP, STOP, THEY’RE ALREADY DEAD!

theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

What do we want?
GAYS IN SCOUTS!
When do we want it?
TIMM-AY!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Grumble grumble what you think I’m going to take my foot off the gas so some snot-nosed kid can live out a dream? There are plenty of MILFs who don’t have sick kids, thank you very much grumble grumble.

...

A couple days ago, I got into a really dumb online argument about salary caps and competitive balance (NFL vs MLB) and dude didn’t seem to realize the NFL is still dominated by a handful of consistently good teams and almost everyone else is just a pretender.

herodotus450

I think there’s only a few teams, Pats at the top of the list, that actually have winning as a priority instead of just making money (Bears, Bengals, etc.)

Horatio Cornblower

This is probably the most accurate take.

...

Arguably this is true in MLB now too.

King Hippo

it is more of a meritocracy, though. Only thing that keeps MLB from being, say, Frances Ligue 1, is the inherent randomness of baseballing.

...

But that’s really not true. The playing field of acquiring young talent–and teams basically win with pre-FA talent now–is rigidly controlled in MLB and the ability to do it well is a skill that some teams do well and others do not.

Regardless, a cap without a floor is just salary suppression and it’s depressing how many fans uncritically accept caps as good for competition.

King Hippo

agree there should be a spending floor, hope the players’ union insists

/the biggest difference, now that everyone uses analytics to keep spending in line, is that the wealthy teams can cover up their mistakes with absorbing losses (whereas the others get crippled)

...

Some of it’s analytics, but some of it is pre-FA players have the salaries suppressed.

Horatio Cornblower

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’m against a floor and a cap, for what it’s worth.

Horatio Cornblower

But is that really the salary cap, or is that there are a handful of NFL teams with intelligent owners, like, -shudder- Kraft, while the rest of it is made up of egomaniacs like Jones, and idiots like Haslem and Snyder and Davis?

King Hippo

I agree with this.

...

My point is that the cap doesn’t drive competitiveness since intelligently run teams can win consistently anyway, so a hard cap in MLB won’t change anything (unless it comes with a hard, high floor).

Horatio Cornblower

Sorry, I thought you were talking about the NFL rather than MLB.

I agree about the MLB having only a handful of competitive teams. Some of that is the market; NYC and LA are always going to have an advantage over KC and Pittsburgh, but some of that, as pointed out down below, is that there are a significant amount of teams that just want to turn a profit each year and know they can do that with the revenue they get from teams that overshoot the salary cap.

There definitely needs to be a floor, and frankly there needs to be about 4 less teams overall.

...

I don’t agree contraction is needed, but greater revenue sharing would need to be paired with a floor so teams can’t cry poor so easily

Dunstan

It is — or can be — much faster going from terrible to good in the NFL, though I suspect that has less to do with the cap than it does the fact that NFL draft picks are mostly ready to make an impact right away, whereas it can take years of development in baseball (as a result of which, draft position also really doesn’t help much).

...

Turnover in MLB takes longer because they aren’t drafting pro-ready 22 year olds, but comparing MLB standings in 2018 to 2013, you see a lot of turnover from top to bottom.

The Maestro

ME TO JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER PERSON ON HERE RIGHT NOW SAVE FOR A SELECT FEW
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King Hippo

I actually like this matchup better for the Chefs, so NAWT sad at all.

/plus #HAILGAMBLOR!

Sharkbait

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Sharkbait

Sony. Have a day

herodotus450

Well at least we don’t have to waste any time coming up with a name for a Rams-Chargers superbowl, like The Subway Series of NY.
/Quietly deletes 40 GB folder containing such names
//”Private Helicopter Game, since that’s the only way to travel effectively in this god forsaken hellhole” was my favorite

King Hippo

to double-up last night’s joke, I like “Aspiring Actress” or “Director’s Casting Couch” Owl.

herodotus450

I’m awarding myself a participation ribbon for “Botox Bowl”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh good, that gives the Chargers plenty of time to turn it over one more time before the half.

Dolph Ucker

That’ll do it
See you heroes at the next game.

Gratliff

Holy fuck there’s another half of this

Dolph Ucker

Rivers is thinking that another progeny will fix this empty feeling. Stares off into the ether.

Dolph Ucker

“New England…. (stroke)… Brady… (stroke, stroke)…… 20 first downs…. 311 yards….. (stroke, stroke, stroke)…. dominating…. (stroke)….AAAAAAAHHHHHHHYEEEE!!!”

Old School Zero

the SAN DIEGO CHARGERS in HBO’s new series, TRUE DEFECTIVE

Old School Zero

Season two is in Los Angeles. It’s the same old story, but just features a lot more shots of the freeway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

PHILIP RIVERS critiques his offensive line’s play in TRUE INVECTIVE.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bud Light Kingdom looks like kind of a fucked up place to live.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

#MURRICA

herodotus450

Lot of fetal alcohol syndrome I bet smh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

People in positions of authority randomly assaulting lower-class citizens? Seems awfully familiar.

litre_cola

Soon Phil will have his own team and won’t have to deal with this shit.

hippofant

His reaction is taking off his helmet and putting it back on the bench.

Cool, thanks CBS?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[adds “hot potato” to a different list]

– a waitress serving Andy Reid

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Patriots getting that call is as stereotypically American as the rich getting a tax cut.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bring back Stan Humphries

Senor Weaselo

Is there like the Orb of Confusion involved that makes the opponents suddenly dumb?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zos5mEkD4e0

Sharkbait

Oh chargers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The first question they will be asking themselves in New York is: “does New England need this call?”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Please tell me that hits the sideline

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen a charger involved in such a disaster since I last plugged in my Samsung Note 7.

Old School Zero

I realize I said this game would be over mid second quarter. I realize we’re a little later than that, and I shall flog myself for my failed prognostication.

herodotus450

Can we… watch?

Old School Zero

I’ll set up my paypal.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think the kids use something called a patreon

Old School Zero

Back in my day we’d make a deal for a sex show with just a handshake and the sacrifice of a couple of goats on the altar of the endless depths

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are the Patriots gonna put up 70 on the Chargers today?

Dunstan

That seems low.

Gratliff

You’re in 4th down territory dipshits. Why are you punting?

King Hippo

Nantz is gonna absolutely suck Dreamboat dry after the game…

hippofant

Flowers going low not called? Was that not a penalty?

Old School Zero

Call a penalty? On the Patriots? Pshaw, my good man, don’t be uncouth.

Dolph Ucker

If the Patriots do it, it’s not a penalty
If the President does it, it’s not a crime
/White House Sports Desk

Dunstan

So, let’s see what’s going on with this ga.… OH MY FUCKING GOD. GODDAMN CHARGERS. I expected little of you, and you delivered less.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

All this WR motion is totally fooling New England