Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

It would all be worth it to see a Bellichick/Kraft/Brady threesome tongue kiss.

WCS

Superb Owl’s in Atlanta. Can we get Ray Lewis and his Band of Killy Men to take out Dreamboat?

bk109

The Battle Of Megatron’s Butthole is shaping up to be shit – whether good, bad, “da” or gas station taco shit is yet TBD

Brocky

No, because the actual murderer is still in jail and ray lewis never actually killed anyone ya shithead!

Hiring ray lewis would be like hiring Shatner to fly a spaceship…..

Where was I going with this?

Redshirt

It looks like you started defending Ray Lewis and then started a tangent that ended with Galaxy Quest?

Mother Puncher

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King Hippo

solid advice for any occasion

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Perfect

Redshirt

Nantz/Romo: “Why isn’t Reid calling timeout and regrouping his shellshocked players?”
Viewers: “Why isn’t Reid calling timeout and regrouping his shellshocked players?”
Fans: “Why isn’t Reid calling timeout and regrouping his shellshocked players?”

Reid: “Come on and score already, damn it. I’m late for my post game fish!”

Horatio Cornblower

A million times this. My belief is that Reid thought that if the Patriots scored sooner he’d have more time to drive down the field and tie the score, completely forgetting how the NFL OT works.

King Hippo

at least I didn’t watch, but checked the score too early for miracle juju. Fuck everything. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! has been liquid shit except for whatever voodoo Tubby Wade pulls off since like Week 13. It’s a crippled remnant being fed to the slaughter.

FUCK YOU Andy Reid for another non-existent first half, go have your own OD time, why don’t ya?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

At least Clay Travis lost a lot of money today. That’s a small victory.

Horatio Cornblower

But Dave Portnoy probably won a bunch, so as usual there is no god, and everything suck.

Horatio Cornblower

I hate the Patriots with every fiber of my soul, but Xenu help me I cannot hate Vince Wilfork.

...

If you remove Brady and Belichick, the Patriots aren’t that hateable. It’s just having two detestable people at the center of every win that’s terrible.

Horatio Cornblower

I would argue that Edelman has moved up that list with his “Bet Against Us*” T-shirts, but on the whole, yes. The Patriots are a well run organization that does what it needs to do to succeed year after year after year. Brady is the greatest QB of all time, even, or maybe because, he’s a bit of a weirdo, Belichek is the best coach, and Kraft the best owner.

*But Please Place Your Bets While Forgetting That I Got Caught Using PEDs”

Brocky

Brady is the greatest QB of all time,

You had me in agreement up until this line. He could not pull this shit in the 80s and we all fucking know it.

...

Holy shit Kraft is short. I had no idea he was a midget man.

Brocky

All this talk about blood moons is making me meme

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Somewhere Bill Simmons is happy and that’s terrible too.

Gratliff

THe biggest tragedy of them all

bk109

Fuck, yeah, I forgot about him… Him happy is almost reason enough to actually root for Kansas

Horatio Cornblower

I take some comfort in knowing that the Patriots, the cheatingest organization in a league filled with cheating organizations, had their season saved, for the second time time in three years, by a guy who was suspended for the first four games because he got caught cheating.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kansas City fans will be walking away from this game with their heads held high, full of confidence for what promises to be an incredible season next year. It makes me sad.

Horatio Cornblower

If it makes you feel any better, their arteries are probably clogged with cheese curds, so they probably won’t make it to next year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of like a monkey paw wish thing. I mean, yeah, the Chiefs lost, but in the way that brings me the absolute least joy.

Gratliff

It will work out the same way it did for Vikings fans last year

The Maestro

Brocky

Some people say the Simpsons went downhill when we found out that Seymour skinner was a fake.

For me it was this episode

Horatio Cornblower

For me it was the Frank Grimes episode.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Good Lord get her a bacon cheeseburger

Horatio Cornblower

I mean, if I had a fetish that involved 14-year olds with scoliosis that’d be great, but since I don’t, I’m just going to go get a bacon cheeseburger and eat it myself.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s a reply to a P*ts fan you fucking asshole.

bk109

Awww, show us where the eveeeel NE taint-punted you on this NFL almanach…

Horatio Cornblower

I went radio silent because the Chiefs started to play better when I turned the computer off. But I watched.

So happy a game like that is decided by a coin flip. Just really nails the essence of competition. The only thing worse than NFL OT, other than NFL officiating, is deciding the World Cup on penalty kicks.

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I’m stuck rooting for the Rams which whatever but it seems dirty to justify the NFL’s power play to fuck over three cities just because the perpetual villain of the NFL gets chance after chance to win.

The Maestro

BEAT LA

Brocky

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Mother Puncher

Holy shit give a warning before posting something that gorey

Sharkbait

Pats fandom aside, that was as bad a call as the Saints non PI call

Viva La Tabula Raza

I agree wholeheartedly. Although I think that was on a second down, and not a third down bailout.

bk109

You mean the PI that was also a helmet-to-helmet as well?

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Just the least deserving people ever were rewarded today.

Brocky

Hey man, the rams aren’t the most undeserving NFC team

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It’s a less a commentary on the team than a commentary on the NFL. I won’t be upset if the Rams win, but it won’t feel great.

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Literally muted the TV to avoid hearing Brady, the emptiest thoughtless person to ever experience this much success.

Gratliff

It was incredibly empty

bk109

I’m sorry, but what do you want to hear? Yes, the refs were blind cunts, Andy Reid’s still a sentient derp and Mahomes will go the route of RG3 next year? Truthiness doesn’t fly in vapid post-game interviews.

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I’d rather hearing nothing at all from him. He has nothing to say, no insight to offer, no wisdom to share. He’s just a dumb jock rewarded by circumstance and he’ll never have the actual humility to appreciate that.

bk109

Except that everybody that’s been sucking his dick on TV has been waxing on how good he actually is as a game-planner, with plenty saying that if he wasn’t a QB, he’d be one of the best OC’s there…. Of course, given that they’ve been saying that between well-deserved gurgles there may’ve been bias, but … who,aside from apparently all of you salty lot,plus fanbases of 31 franchises in general would hate the Dreamboat 😀

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Considering how commentators push a narrative by design, I have zero faith in the idea Brady would be a good OC. Michael Jordan was a shit coach and GM despite being incredible on the court.

bk109

True, plus he may be great at analyzing and scheming, but if you can’t actually get your point across, it doesn’t mean shit… IE – Wifey’s probably better than me in IT (her GPA was certainly .05 points higher), but her parents only ask me about stuff, ’cause Anna is the Hue Jackson of teaching someone how to install a printer over Skype (plus her parents like me better 😀 )

Mother Puncher

He literally refused to answer the interviewers questions and just said hi to his family. Not that the interviewer asked anything interesting.

bk109

1st – when have the interviewers actually asked anything good… 2nd- as of like the 2nd snap of the game I’m relegated to watching the game in French on sattelite, ’cause my cable cut out. Fun fact – commentary in french is actually worse than Booger and the Robot 😀

Mother Puncher

Will boycotting end this? How can anyone enjoy this?

bk109

Easy, you become a Pats fan after the Tyree catch on the misconception that the Pats are the Arsenal of the NFL, then realize that they’re more like the Evil Empire….

Horatio Cornblower

The Patriots are far from the Arsenal of the NFL.

The Patriots win.

bk109

I know, it came as a bloody surprise to me too (and I’m not kidding… I honestly thought that they were the “close, but no cigar” team of the NFL… And as an Arsenal fan I must say, this “winning” thing is fun, we should do it more often 😀

Horatio Cornblower

EUROPA OR BUST!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Like when the old drifter joined the alien side in They Live

What’s wrong with having it good for a change? Now they’re gonna let us have it good if we just help ’em. They’re gonna leave us alone, let us make some money. You can have a little taste of that good life too. Now, I know you want it. Hell, everybody does.

ballsofsteelandfury

Join my club!

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Every piece of shit whining about MLB salaries being too high is going to moan for a salary cap on competitive grounds and the NFL sends the Patriots to the Super Bowl ALMOST EVERY FUCKING YEAR and some how those bootlicking pieces of shit will never get it.

bk109

Never any doubt… there is in fact no God! … Also, did you lads and lasses know that if Dreamboat tosses 2 picks in a game, I shit out bricks outta pure neutronium? Either way, WE ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL… AGAIN!
SUCK
ON
THIS
KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS

Doktor Zymm

I mean, since KC can’t stop a toddles from running 10 yards it probably would have been a boring SB watching them try to stop the Rams backfield, right? #rationalization

Can someone allow Suh to take a shiv on the field and give a nod which implies “anything goes”.

Senor Weaselo

No jury would convict him!

Redshirt

A jury trial will have the same ending like “A New Hope” and a medal ceremony.

Senor Weaselo

Imagine a world where the Sawx and P*ts and Liverpool win their championships. DO WE WANT THAT?

Senor Weaselo

I’d add the Celtics but that’s not happening due to the West.

Horatio Cornblower

And the Bruins, due to age.

Sharkbait

Mcavoy just murdered Rask last night so I think we’re safe

Senor Weaselo

The rare friendly-fire kill using an opponent as ammo! (And Chytil is okay.)

Sharkbait

BEAT LA!

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Mr. Ayo

Oh great, another P*ts SB upcoming.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The NFL is horseshit

ballsofsteelandfury

Told you

Recovery Whiskey

The NFL sucks

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup

LemonJello

Time to write “Game Over” in the Necronomicon.

Spur

RAMMITT or bust.

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We’re fucked

Sharkbait

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS

The Maestro

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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What even is the point?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Petronel

GAME

Gratliff

Fuck everybody

NFL Defenses, how do they work

Gratliff

Here it comes. Time to take our medicine.

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The worst part about the Patriots being good is ultimately it’s boring almost all the time.

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We need a new villain team.

WCS

They’re going to score on third and goal.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Damn Romo. How come you couldn’t win shit? You obviously know your shit.

Mother Puncher

Knows his shit. Just couldn’t throw it

Spur

wasnt allowed to call his own plays unless it was a late 4th quarter drive.

Doktor Zymm

It’s way harder to concentrate when you’ve got broken ribs and bruised organs

Spur

#45 for KC is weak and not very smart

This is fun

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Motherfuckers convert on every third and long. What’s even the point?

Gratliff

Fucking always

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Third and long so this is game.

Mr. Ayo

Edelman first down.

Mr. Ayo

Or Gronk