Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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King Hippo

at the risk of offending Coach Parcells…try a few slants PLEASE

Doktor Zymm

Okay Mahomes, don’t fuck up

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Well I just discovered my HuluTV feed is about one minute behind cable.

Clipboard Jesus

You’d think the Pats would know not to throw from the 1 yard line

...

Bwahaha

Petronel

That is excellent.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Took me a minute, but yeah.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well shit.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

A haiku by me:

The Pats score again
Nevermind there is still hope
I wrote this too soon

Beerguyrob

Had to take the dogs out. So, are we discussing the narrative that the NFL wants Pats – Rams so the GOAT can bookend his career?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

See, this is what happens when I root for a team.

King Hippo

THANK YOU FOAR YER SERVICE

Sharkbait

Shit.

Senor Weaselo

And sigh of relief. I mean he isn’t dead yet, but it’s a start.

Mother Puncher

Uuuuuhhhhnnnggggggggggg

King Hippo

Just like the end of Yinzers at Donks WOO!!!

Gratliff

lol @ watching my entire Twitter timeline turn into everyone making the exact same touchback tom joke

Mother Puncher

That’s a good joke

...

I know this is just Satan toying with us but

THANK YOU SATAN

LemonJello

/From deep in the woods of Tuscaloosa

“You are welcome!”

Doktor Zymm

Haha, I guess that’s why they’re running so much, BRADY OLD

Petronel

Oh goddammit

Recovery Whiskey

Eaten

The Maestro

FUCK

fleshwound_NPG

HUH

fleshwound_NPG

I see dinner being late has raised my hopes

King Hippo

YES!!!!! HE DID A TEH BEN!!!!

WCS

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Mr. Ayo

NAWT FAIR! FACK YOU!

Dunstan

THERE IS A GOD

Gratliff

THERE MAY BE A GOD

Spur

Fuck it. Am streaming the Spurs/Clippers game.

King Hippo

At least RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! can stop the Darkness with…a gimpy star RB and a QB that hasn’t played a good game in like 6-7 weeks??

Spur

comment image

Spur

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That guy kinda looks like Jay Cutler, if Jay Cutler cared.

The Maestro

Which is to say he looks nothing like Jay Cutler, since Jay Cutler will never care.

Mother Puncher

Person: Jay, you should seriously consider vaccinating your children. There’s no credible link to autism, and you’re causing serious harm to the nation’s her immu-

Jay: . . .

Spur

this was expected. i hate you Andy.

Gatoraids

Brady going to dedicate this one to the Maga high schoolers who inspired him this week

fleshwound_NPG

dinner time, peace out, hopefully rams vs. pats 2 ends the dynasty

herodotus450

Chefs playing so bad they’re gonna get relocated to North Dakota after this game if they lose.

Doktor Zymm

Where was KC ranked in run d during the season?

Viva La Tabula Raza

From the evidence being presented on the field thus far, I would guess…. 33rd.

...

*drains blood from goat in desperate attempt to summon Bernard Pollard*

fleshwound_NPG

he was a chief and did snap brady’s knee here

King Hippo

THANK YOU FOAR YER SERVICE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, Bull is still on? I thought they would have canceled it after paying out that huge sexual harrassment settlement.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Welcome to Trump’s America.

herodotus450

Nevar Forget the victim was one Eliza Dushku, even more reason to not watch the show.

Horatio Cornblower

Gotta get that money back somehow.

fleshwound_NPG

bomani jones’ timeline/mentions right now is… [chef’s kiss]

Gratliff

Presenting Greg Wyshynski:

No I'm one billion percent sure the real story of this game is a blatant (perhaps intentionally) missed call that would have given the Saints a chip shot field goal with no time left and sent them to the Super Bowl. Pretty sure that's it. https://t.co/oUJaJBRQUp

— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) January 20, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

King Hippo

Jesus wanted Planned Parenthood to have $100. TAKE THAT, Evangelical-Land!

King Hippo

oh Lord, Chefs are gonna get killed. Sound off from jump.

...

This game is going to be shit, isn’t it

fleshwound_NPG

1st game was a close one, this a blowout, so yes

fleshwound_NPG

first 3 times mahomes has thrown the ball and…meeehhh.

Mr. Ayo

Mahomes-y looks terrible right now

King Hippo

Indeed, this was Championship-calibre Hobo Killin!

I can’t believe RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! pulled it off. Had no clue until 15 minutes ago.

hippofant

physical

Horatio Cornblower

Well, Mahomes looks terrible so far. That’s promising.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Looks like BLEERGH made his flight from NO to KC on time.

Petronel

Has anyone ever seen BLEERGH manifest? If he has no mass, he’ll be moving at light speed.

*maths*

Would take about 0.004 seconds for him to get there.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, but he probably only uses that option during the regular season when he has so many games to tend to. Days like today he can fly first class and have a drink or two.

Dunstan

Holding on the … Patriots?

Refs are just teasing the 4th quarter screwjob.

Senor Weaselo

Bailout flag… against the P*ts?

fleshwound_NPG

Just as I thought, BLEERGH gonna make a statement this game

Gratliff

This feels like the kind of game where a player like Mahomes gets annihilated and it takes 3 years for him to be back in the “good” conversation

Senor Weaselo

If I were in a room with David Ortiz, Tom Brady, and Hitler, and had a gun with two bullets in it I for legal reasons would not disclose my choice.

Dunstan

Yeah, but the two bullet holes in Brady would make it fairly obvious.

Senor Weaselo

They never said anything against pistol whipping until unrecognizable, ppl forget that.

Gratliff

What if Hitler was a baby?

Dunstan

Then you shove Baby Hitler down Tom’s throat, choking him, and still have two bullets left for Ortiz.

herodotus450

Chiefs look like a team that won’t win it big until they change up their uniforms a la the Bucs, Broncs, and me when I started that uniform fetish site.

Senor Weaselo

Paul Lukas?