Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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Mother Puncher

Dear Chiefs,

I think they’re going to blitz on 3rd down

Sincerely,
A professional football watcher

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, who is paying you to watch football? Can I get in on this?

Beerguyrob

Are the Chiefs holding out until the eclipse turns Gronk into a herpified wolf?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t generally follow such things, what is the O/U on this one?

King Hippo

like 55.5

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With how things have gone so far, it might as well be infinity.

Mr. Ayo

2.5 sacrificed MILFs

...

We were screwed out of a Super Bowl between the NFL’s premiere MILF Hunters!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You’d think a guy who has had as many broken bones and injuries as Romo wouldn’t be getting audibly turned on when saying “TORQUE.”

Doktor Zymm

Well, that was a fun 2 plays

...

The Chiefs are so lucky they aren’t down 21-0 because they deserve to be.

Senor Weaselo

Guhhhhhhhh

Horatio Cornblower

What a dipshit play by Mahomes

Spur

indeed

...

Jesus Christ this sucks

...

TAKE YOUR MINOR LEAGUE FOOTBALL AND SHOVE IT AAF

Beerguyrob

It’s like he couldn’t choke out the words.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Hey, how else is Cody Parkey supposed to get a job?

herodotus450

Worst part about a non-Chefs-Saints suber bowl is that I won’t be able to say, “this game is based on so many Hills I think it’s the city of Rome.”
/Got to say it anyway

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tony Romo is like Johnny Bench except with his mouth.
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LemonJello

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Gratliff

He’s gonna finally keep his promise
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Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t seen Andy Reid make a successful adjustment like this since Applebee’s 86’d the ribs and he went with the smoked chicken instead.

Spur

Spurs and KC show some life

Doktor Zymm

Mahomsey hitting his stride! Maybe it really is something about whether or not Hippo is watching?

King Hippo

you can bet ANYTHING that I ain’t gonna test this hypothesis by using my remote…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He’s good

LemonJello

Mahomes has a gun that gives Patton a raging boner.

King Hippo

Going back…how did he end up only at freaking Texas Tech?

Mother Puncher

Oh hey Mahomes remembered how to play football

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Has anyone watched the new True Detective yet? I haven’t heard anything about it yet and that’s the backup plan for this game.

King Hippo

eeeeeet’s a goooood a-show!

Mr. Ayo

It’s great. Way better than watching the P*ts certainly.

Col. Duke LaCross

TiVo it. It’s pretty good two episodes in.

Horatio Cornblower

I saw the first two episodes. I want to like it more than I did.

Recovery Whiskey

Im 2 episodes in and sticking with it. Not yet to the levwl of S1 but enough is going on to be watching

Dunstan

That’s more like it

herodotus450

Angel went from a cop to a Seal?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d be more interested in a show called Seal Team if it were actual seals.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or at least a team of plumbers.

LemonJello

I’d watch the hell out of that.

Senor Weaselo

They have to stop the clubbers!

Dunstan

“America’s Game is Work” — ugh, what a horrible and stupid sentiment

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do they have to swap in a k ball for that?

LemonJello

Its impressive that Romo can talk so clearly with both Brady and Belichick’s balls in his mouth.

Doktor Zymm

He’s just bitter he had to spend his career playing for jerry jones

Beerguyrob

To be fair, he never got embarrassed by them in a Big Game because he’s Tony Romo.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m having a hard time rooting for a team the employs Tyreek Hill.

Mother Puncher

Does it make it easier knowing that he’s like super super sorry

...

This unit change on the punt shit will never work.

Horatio Cornblower

I’d love it if Belichek went for it here just to shove it in Reid’s face.

Recovery Whiskey

Does the Patriots line ever get called for holding

Doktor Zymm

Not by the ref, not by the cops

WCS

Not since 2001.

Mother Puncher

KC should have turned a blind eye to Hunt like every other team would have.

...

I hate this. I hate football. I hate the world. Let the seas drown us.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eric Berry must have heard hooves

LemonJello

Does that jade football up his ass have magical powers that keep Brady from getting hit?

King Hippo

ok FINE. I will turn off the teevee again and pray for juju

Doktor Zymm

I think watching Brady embarrass himself by refusing to acknowledge that he’s getting old and bad and a should retire would be fun. I hope that’s what’s happening

Doktor Zymm

Although Belichick would probably just trade gouge him to somewhere

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

There’s no way the MILF Hunter lets that happen, unfortunately.

Senor Weaselo

Are there dementors involved? I kinda want dementors involved.

Senor Weaselo

If you turn around, that is a pick. For fuck’s sake.

Ian Scott McCormick

I would have paid $17 to see Brady toss an INT just as CBS is blowing him.

King Hippo

dropped INT, see Satan always gets ya on the back end

Recovery Whiskey

So close

...

Brady…. bad?

Mr. Ayo

Gotta keep the ball out of his hands

Ian Scott McCormick

To be fair, if he doesn’t convert there, the Chiefs are screwed.

King Hippo

they’re screwed leaving their D on the field for 90% of the first half, too

Horatio Cornblower

This.

LemonJello

Sweet Jeebus. This is a real no win situation for all the BBQ shacks and buffets in the greater KC area. Win or lose, they’re getting destroyed by Coach Reid after this game.

fleshwound_NPG

ok, cowardly andy reid has shown up, NOW it’s time for me to peace out

Gratliff

Ladies and gentlemen, playoffs Andy Reid.

Beerguyrob

A game late, but always ready to make an appearance.

WCS

He’s going Retro Reid. Screwing up a conference championship game.

Recovery Whiskey

KC Offense is a running joke

Doktor Zymm

Well that was anti-climactic

Spur

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King Hippo

you HAVE TO go for it

King Hippo

you stupid fat walrus cunt

Mother Puncher

No you have to trust your defense to get a turnover on the goal line every drive.

Spur

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