Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread

The L. A. Rams were a very fine team this season, then got the Super Bowl end of a really, really bad no-call in plain sight. Now the Rams are on the verge of thoroughly validating Roger Goodell’s sick obsession to have a team  in LA. The other team is the Patriots. Again. And really: at this stage, what can impede New England being in the Superb Owl next year too? I can only think of nuclear war or the Doomsday Clock being managed by Andy Reid.

Every fanbase has asshole fans. C’mon: if you won’t talk shit about other teams and fans… If you can’t muster an earnest jerkwad at someone else’s celebration of a missed field goal–well, why even bother with sports. But Pats fans, ALL Pats fans, come off as extra insufferable because they have the worst quality: titles.

If results were the standard, New England is the top sports franchise, I dare say, in the world.

Devil in left shoulder: Tch, what’s with this praise shit?

Angel on right shoulder: [takes loooong drag of a joint, coughs, falls to ground]

It just SUCKS to have every beef with the Pats get resolved by the lowest of low blows for sporting arguments: facts.

[Puts out angel with shoe, picks up joint]

Belichick and Brady have been the constant in nine Superb Owl teams. In recent runs, the Pats did not resort to splashy free agent signings, like Corey Dillon or Randy Moss, or one-year rentals like Revis and Brandin Cooks. They just sign players who buy into the coaching, play six games in a crap division, and get enough time to prepare to the Divisional Playoffs. It feels like the NFL is rigged; all week I was thinking about players who left New England and continued on to notable careers. Found two: Asante Samuel and

Via giphy.com

It used to be fashionable to call Super Bowl Champion Aqib Talib a “punk”, after his time in the Bucs, self-inflicted gun trouble (twice), and ripping off the gold chain of the upstanding sportsman that goes by the name of Michael Crabtree (also twice). Talib was two years on the Patriots, then got together with Wade Phillips in Denver. This season, both are with the Rams, while the Donks defense without Talib and Phillips now resembles the post-No Fly Zone Lybia. Talib was injured on Week 3, had ankle surgery, and returned on Week 13. The Rams defense allowed more than 30 points without Talib, less than 19 with him, which I saw on Patriots Wire and other propaganda arms. Talib is a defensive captain, which still riles up folks who think “Captain Talib” is a much worse dishonor of the title than “President Trump”.

Here’s another sickening title: Superb Owl Champions New England Patriots. Not that it’s undeserved. Tom Brady has to be one of the two top quarterbacks to have played in all 99 NFL seasons. The Pats OL coach, Dante Scarnecchia, has taken scores of cogs and produced very good lines. There’s only so much you can do with stealing defensive signals from the Jest and taking off a few psi off a ball. (The only smoking guns; even the Guerrero thing is kinda lackin’.) Nine Superb Owls is too much for a counterargument about CHEETIN. Besides, everyone has seen the Pats executing ably any damn gameplan or play, regardless of players. Fuckers.

For the record: I do not like Tom Brady, but I gotta give him props for not surrendering his cellphone—especially after creaming the Clots, with regulation balls, on the second half of the Deflategate game. Me? I wouldn’t surrender my cellphone TO ANYBODY. Would you? Why not? You got nothing to hide, right? You certainly scrubbed thoroughly the search for Divine’s birth date and the subsequent wormhole entry into dogshit porn.

More dogshit: asshole Pats fans cry “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us”. Well… Nawt really! Bob Kraft got grifted out of a SB ring by Vladimir Putin. Josh McDaniels is a dirty competitor and an execrable human. As a head coach in Denver, he got busted for videotaping (after Spygate, mind you), then stiffed Indianapolis by backing off an agreement to become their head coach this season. That McDaniels got buzz for head coaching gigs this year outside NE is yet another example for how little integrity counts for NFL business.  But hey! Put it in the pile on top of bad officiating, byzantine game rules, and signing proven flotsam over Super Bowl Quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Yeah yeah, “World Corrupt”, stop the presses.

The Championship games two weeks ago were dynamite. The Rams-Saints result was a very bad look for the NFL, but it was not an unjust outcome. The crowd was very hostile and the Rams defense did a hell of a job against Brees and All-World RB Alvin Kamara. (Hey, the Saints offense got cute AF; that’s not on RAMMMMITTTT.) The Patriots offense will execute, but the Rams defense got Aaron Donald, Dante Fowler, and Ndamukong Suh with something to play for. I’ll give Suh a reprieve for this game, because taking out the also crafty Pats requires some edge. And, really: who are we to judge Suh?

Via giphy.com

I think the Rams defense is capable of giving the New England offense a shaftening on par with Stan Kroenke’s to the city of St. Louis. Getting blown out Bills-style in would be a welcome comeuppance to the move to LA. To pile on DTZM’s takedown, Bastard Stan eludes any feeling of empathy, as he is composed of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. ?. With all results being utterly hateful, the “Super Bowl LIII Experience” (hype, ads, halftime and all), is reduced to an overproduced U.S. Senate committee hearing.

But the game will be great. The Patriots do not get blown out, not with those coaches getting two weeks to prepare. And, hey, the Rams did prettay, prettay good in a bad crowd at New Orleans to a Saints team that looks better than New England. I don’t think a blowout could come in the other direction: that Rams defense is nasty, though Patrick Peterson could get picked on more than a chocolate box in the Intensive Care Unit. Worth mentioning that Bill Belichick is a stubborn, stubborn man. He refused to put Malcolm Butler in the last Superb Owl—“competitive reasons” my ass. Total spite move. But my favorite was the benching of WELKAH for the most engaging and entertaining Patriots press conference to date (re, feet), and then losing the Divisional at home against the Rex Jets. Sean McVay did not seem reckless by going for it late in that 4th and Goal against the Saints and choosing to tie. It’s a fabled matchup: young guy vs. ogre.

Predicción: Pats not making the AFC Championship will seem like the Good Old Days while Brady is in NE and they play in that kindergarden for clumsy kids called the AFC East. BUT, this one goes to the Rams.

LAST DAY OF THE SEASON. Let it out!

Banner via gfycat.com

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Senor Weaselo

Not a bailout flag?

Ian Scott McCormick

That wasn’t grounding?

Horatio Cornblower

Brady threw it, so no.

Brocky

Do we even need to say it at this point?

Mr. Ayo

Aaron Donald is a beast

herodotus450

To be fair to Tomas Brady, if they were called “deadly nightshade” I would be more reluctant to eat tomatoes too.

Horatio Cornblower

The Rams should change their defensive audibles to “Strawberry! Strawberry! Double Lactose!” and watch Brady just crumble.

Doktor Zymm

IODIZED SALT! IODIZED SALT!

Gatoraids

No emotionally roughing the passer

Horatio Cornblower

“This is why Edelman has, like, a gazillion catches in the postseason.”

Yeah, that and the PEDs that got him suspended at the start of the season.

nomonkeyfun

NFL needed a patsy for the positive test by the NE offense.

Recovery Whiskey

Holy crap a Brady sack without 8 penalties being called

King Hippo

GUHHHHHH, get the ball

Ian Scott McCormick

Sometimes they play man to man. But sometimes they like to play zone, which is exactly what everybody does right before Tom Brady carves them up.

...

There’s a picture somewhere of Tom Brady in blackface. I’m sure of it.

tomsellecksmoustache

It’s just a mask that’s part of the TB12 skin care regiment.

...

That’s the rub: he’s literally too stupid to realize it’s racist

King Hippo

Peters, 2nd confirmed bribe recipient

Doktor Zymm

Can we start playing the Casualties when there’s a run tackle?

Horatio Cornblower

Is it me or did Romo just say that the officials were making things up on that offsides/delay of game call?

Brocky

Yeah and rex grossman has more superbowl appearances than 4 franchises

...

Blessed be the soul of the Sex Cannon

Brocky

Blessed indeed. I only knew of the old site because I happened to have a customer wearing the “fuck it I’m going deep” shirt

Mother Puncher

dominus vobiscum sexcannon

King Hippo

Nantz is such a cocksucker

clint greasewood

2chains > Chance the Rapper

Senor Weaselo

At what point did Fast and/or Furious go full Saints Row?

...

lol Nisei has a food spread right now and I’m kinda upset I’m already too saturated in booze to go

clint greasewood

Does Idris Elba turn into a car?

Doktor Zymm

I think that’s exactly what sort of transformer he is?

Spur

The Fast & The Furious : Stringer Bell Drift

King Hippo

damn Straaaaaang

Gatoraids

Skeletor special

Senor Weaselo

That is not enough of a coffin corner.

King Hippo

Hekker is first confirmed bribe recipient

Mother Puncher

Is it just me or is the NFL not replaying any of these penalties

Doktor Zymm

New policy DO NOT QUESTION

Horatio Cornblower

During the Super Bowl? Are you insane?

yeah right

Whuuu

King Hippo

run it you dickasses

Senor Weaselo

If there’s no “Sweet Victory” to kick off the halftime show Brocky, Maestro, Redshirt, Low Commander and I all get to riot, right?
/Any other 20-somethings?

Brocky

I’m actually a tad older than that shows initial target audience.

I’ll still riot though

Horatio Cornblower

Tony Romo’s mic breaking down is perfect, because Tony Romo always fell apart in the postseason.

Recovery Whiskey

Big Play Babineaux likes this comment

Doktor Zymm

Gee, I sure can’t wait for Color Number to play!

Viva La Tabula Raza

comment image

Recovery Whiskey

Bud, Miller and Coors have a fight about which international conglomerate is best being bought out by

Doktor Zymm

InBev for the win!

King Hippo

no low hit on Buster, eh

yeah right

Mid field achievement unlocked.

...

This is so dumb
comment image

clint greasewood

Budlight could use some of that delicious corn syrup.

herodotus450

Big Brother Bill Belichick: [kills Gostkowski]
BBBB: “No, no, Vinatieri has been our kicker all along.”

Brocky

I legtimatley have no idea if corn syrup is good or bad for beer.

That ad would be more effective if i gave a shit

herodotus450

Even if it’s not in your beer, it’s in fucking everything else you eat or touch throughout the day so who cares.

King Hippo

kid asked me to turn down TV, can hear even less of the ads now. BLISS

WCS

Bill Simmons doesn’t think this a REAL rivalry. Bill Simmons can also fall off Niagara Falls.

Senor Weaselo

No barrel.

Horatio Cornblower

Bud Light fighting with Miller Lite and Coors Light about who has the shittiest beer.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is still drinking a puddle of piss.

Brocky

I love the people already complaining about captain marvel.

You incels were wrong about black panther and you fucking know it

The Maestro

Unrepentantly excited for this.

Horatio Cornblower

Brie Larson isn’t going to date them whether they go to the movie or not.

Gatoraids

bring back bud bowl goddammit

clint greasewood

That aboy Jim Nantz

...

I DON’T CARE IF THEY BREW IT WITH CORN SYRUP IT STILL TAKES BETTER THAN BUD LIGHT WHICH IS FUCKING BACKWASH SWILL

yeah right

Shank Lor!

The Maestro

GOT DAMNIT PATRIOTS

Doktor Zymm

GHOST RIDE THE FIELD GOAL FAIL

Spur

Romo with the jinx.

Senor Weaselo

HAIL SHA’NKHOR! Madre Weaselo thanks you.

Mr. Ayo

NAILED IT!

–Blair Walsh

WCS

Bwahahahahahahah

...

lol fucking jinxed