Welcome to the third day of bracket previews for the first annual [DFO] Banner Tournament, pitting past banners against each other for the glory of the wrath of the Lord. That’s a church sign I saw in New Jersey the other day. I don’t know if we should be praising that, random church in New Jersey. I imagine that would be bad, the glory of the wrath of the Lord. I’m not religious, so I wouldn’t know for sure.
But anyway, we’ve covered the left side of the bracket (as the committee wrote it out) with the BLEERGH and GAMBLOR regions. Now we continue moving counterclockwise to the SHAN’KHOR Region. If you’re wondering, yes, the regions are named after [DFO] deities. Yes, we decided to formally claim GAMBLOR and his neon claws as one of our own in the pantheon.
And speaking of adopted deities, tomorrow’s region is the BOLTMAN, if we all survive it, but I don’t need my femurs to play the violin anyway! Shall we?
1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine. Really gets my nipples hard for more hot NFL action when my team sucks, the commissioner is fining someone for special cleats, a star player beat his pregnant girlfriend, my favorite former player blows his fucking brain out due to CTE, and I’m not sure if I can keep supporting this sport. That’s what keeps me going, the excitement of a touchdown and a kickoff broken up by several commercials for dick drugs, cars, and fascism.”
16. “THIS (PATRIOTS) GAME I CALL ROGUE ONE BECAUSE WE ALL WATCHED IT AND WE KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO END”
*raises hand* I inadvertently missed watching Rogue One. And Last Jedi. Totally didn’t mean it, I also missed out on Ant-Man and the Wasp, and, um, also Black Panther.
8. “The hand of cod!”
9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.”
Football vs. Lesser Footy, WHO YA GOT? Well, chalk would have lesser footy, but it is the 8-9 matchup.
5. “I’m in a red state. Memorial Day Protip: Be white in a red state and you’ll never feel blue.”
12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.”
Yes, we got Spelling Bee jokes in here! Because here at [Door Flies Open], we cover a wide variety of topics and events.
4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.”
13. “It’s 91 here but it feels like 104. I am jerking off to women’s water polo, but mostly for the pool.”
Have I mentioned we’re also a little bit fucked up? It’s cool, don’t worry. We’re mostly harmless. I think. Anyway, the bottom half of the bracket:
6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.”
11. “Bud Light is to beer what The Eagles are to music.”
We can also be a bit nasty. But hey, something something no corn syrup something something #dillydilly?
3. “THAT HAIL MARY PLAY I CALL IT THE DENTIST BECAUSE IT KILLED SOME LIONS FROM EXTREME LONG RANGE.”
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.”
As I’ve said, anything that’s got a top-4 seed, in my opinion, has a chance to go the distance. Whether it’s from the early days, like the above, or it’s newer. Speaking of, this is an old vs. new matchup, as the MLS quote is from 2018.
7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.”
10. “That’s true. If something were to happen to Winston, he’d pretty much be asking for it, standing there so provocatively in the pocket late in a bad game.”
Okay, won’t lie, I’m running out of different intriguing ways to write afterwards, even for a 7-10 split. I have to write 32 of these, after all, this being number 23 of the set. Can we finish this region strong at least? Come on Senor, pull through.
2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!”
15. “So both teams just forfeited to the Behr’s?”
Maybe I shouldn’t finish strong with this one, for… reasons.
Three regions down, tomorrow brings the final preview before the tournament starts properly on Friday! Because that’s March 1st.