The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football. If you have questions and/or need advice, email email@example.com. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.
Welcome to the Ninth Edition of Mouth Flies Open, the revamped and rebooted DFO Advice Mailbag. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m falling into a less than every week cadence with this here mailbag. In part that’s because life gets in the way. Over a three week period I’ve been in New York, DC, LA (ostensibly home), Phoenix, Chicago, and Atlanta. Exhausting and inhibiting my creative juices when it comes to writing and making dick jokes outside of the occasional comment.
As I mentioned last edition, though, it’s also because of
San Diego LA Carson Chargers-level interest in sending in questions to the mailbag. You guys are quieter than Jamarcus Russell after a gallon of the purple stuff. Help a brother out and post some advice requests below or send in requests to firstname.lastname@example.org.
With that out of the way, we now find ourselves in the maybe Christian Hackenberg continuously being fed to the (non-NFL) Lions isn’t enough to save the AAF(L) and with Johnny Manziel kicked out of Canada oh dear lord how long until real football is back part of the NFL off-season withdrawal cycle. So take your methadone via DFO’s banner bracket or whatever else it takes, and let’s get to the advice dispensing!
Ooh, look, a letter did roll into email@example.com this week!
Let’s start with a new (or at least new to me) advice column, The Atlantic’s Ask a Therapist—
My son is in the middle of the college-application process. He has very good grades and very good SAT and ACT scores; he is an Eagle Scout and a captain of the cross-country team. He is also white, male, and upper-middle-class—and that is the problem.
According to all of the statistics and reports, he should be accepted at Ivy League schools, but he has not been. He will eventually get into a “good” school, but it is my guess (based on what we are seeing with his peer group) that he will be overqualified for the school he ends up at.
He is very frustrated and very upset. How do you explain to a bright, eager boy that the system is rigged against him? For example, his twin brother, who has similar grades and an almost identical résumé, is going to the U.S. Naval Academy, and his application process, though difficult, was smooth and straightforward.
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Mmmmm, yes, no one gets a rougher shake than the adequately studious white male, save perchance the ruggedly good-looking redhaired white male. Just think, we are foreclosing opportunities for the next generation of privileged boys who could and should be able to parlay competence at Princeton to a multi-million dollar clipboard holding job that culminates in inexplicable job security at the mast of America’s team. I literally shudder at the thought of this poor chap having to go to :shudder: state school and falling back on working for his father’s company for low six figures right out of college. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see if Muffy is deploying a well placed metaphor when she says the neighbor tore her up since I’m always in the film room. Ta-ta.
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
Yes, indubitably. It makes you think of Laquan McDonald’s last words, “being white, male, and upper middle class is the true oppression.” Fortunately, Slate delivers the hearty FUCK YOU that this mom deserves, although with less scorn than she and her son actually deserve.
Holy fucking arrogance and lack of awareness.
You know what no one deserves? An entitled sense of automatic admission at an Ivy League school.
Honestly, I can’t sum up the issue of the importance of diversity in college admissions better than Hasan Minhaj did in his debut episode of Patriot Act:
You should all watch the whole thing, but the key points are a) getting into Ivies is REALLY fucking hard for everyone, so get over yourself if you think you would be an autoadmit if you weren’t white; b) a lot of the arguments on “increased share” of admissions for minority groups are specious at best and more often just wrong: and c) diversity is valuable no matter what. Plus, this debate often reminds me of this comic:
So no, Lisa, you shouldn’t accept the argument the world is unfair and screwing your son. The world is hard for everyone and sometimes luck matters more than anything else, so he should reach for the Ivies, apply to a bunch of other schools as well, and be an empathetic person who isn’t a raging entitled asshole like you’re training him to be. And I guarantee he’s not going to be “overqualified” for whatever school he ends up attending. At every school there are people who are head and shoulders smarter than others and some who are just dumb. That’s true at Ivies, state schools, community colleges, wherever. And it’s often the ones that think it will be a cakewalk that quickly learn they’re at the dumb end of that spectrum.
Woof. Let’s check in with Prudence—
I recently went on three dates with a woman. The first two went fairly well, and after the second she texted me, saying she’d wanted to kiss me but didn’t have a read on me. I told her I’d like to go slow. After the third date, I felt sure I was not attracted to her after she claimed that the moon landing never happened. But I felt disappointed that I didn’t feel any attraction at all, even before she dropped that bomb. Is there something wrong with me if I’ve never wanted to kiss on a third date? For the record, I’m a woman who used to date men. But this is how it always went with them, too. I don’t like online dating, and for me attraction tends to emerge after being around a person for a while, but is that creepy? It seems like you just have to either immediately be attracted or you don’t get to be. And I have work and monthly social groups, and I’m new in this area. So I don’t know how I’d do it otherwise. I’m so confused! Why do all these online dates make me want to run away as soon as the idea of kissing (or more) seems imminent? Should I just accept being alone forever? It’s been over 10 years since I was actually involved with anyone, and I’m only 31!
—Waiting for Attraction to Kick In
Not going to lie, I wanted to include this letter solely based on the moon landing thing. And people I am here to say–conspiracy theorist/ignorant bullshit is a perfectly good reason to not be attracted to someone. Just think–if everyone stopped fucking flat earthers/antivaxxers/climate change deniers/9-11 truthers then THEY WOULD GO EXTINCT. At least until Pete Carroll’s secret journals see the light of the day.
Bet you thought Pete Carroll was going to fly through an open door, didn’t you? He’s too busy trying to prove the Fed was behind Waco.
Also, WAKI, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to date or ceasing to date someone based on your attraction to them, or lack thereof. Don’t see it on the first date and want to cut it off there? Fine. Want to keep going on dates for a few weeks to see if an attraction develops? Also fine. Your most valuable commodity is your time, and it’s up to you how you want to deploy it. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for prioritizing it however you want.
And finally, let’s close out with a doozy from Dan Savage—
Let’s say my kink is edging and I edge myself for a few days leading up to a date. Is it my responsibility to tell my potential partner? There are a few variables here that are important to note. This is a first/Tinder date, and it’s just a coffee date, BUT she and I have talked about our expectations and there will likely be a physical aspect in whatever potential relationship may ensue. I understand that it’s never cool to involve someone in your kink without their consent, but what are the rules here? On one hand, if I don’t divulge this information, I could see how my production of an unexpectedly large amount of ejaculate could be upsetting, depending on the circumstances/activity. But on the other hand, at least some amount of come is expected, right? If I randomly had massive loads every single time through no effort of my own, would I be responsible for letting a partner know? Perhaps it would be the polite thing to do. I guess I’d feel comfortable saying, “Hey, by the way, I produce very large loads,” if sex was imminent. But when you add the kink factor into the mix, I think something like that should be talked about before sex is “imminent.” So what responsibility do I have to divulge this information? And if I do have a responsibility to divulge this, when would be the appropriate time to bring it up? I feel like it could be sexy to be so open about a taboo, given that we’ve already discussed the desire for a physical aspect to the relationship. But at what point between sex being “not off-limits” and “my parts are going to be interacting with your parts as soon as our clothes are off” is the right moment to disclose my kink?
What Ought One Do
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Thank you, WOOD, for that great question. I’m Robert Kraft’s Rabbi*, and as I’ve counseled Mr. Kraft, let he who is without sin cast the first nut. It is possible, nay likely, that a good man can wander from the path of righteousness. Onanism is but one of the many sins for which we must atone every year at Yom Kippur, and while nowhere is it written that by edging without casting your seed to the ground you have not committed a sin, I think we both know the act is the act. The more important act is not whether or not you let your first date know you like to masturbate to the point of almost finishing, then deny yourself over and over so that you can ejaculate more forcefully and voluminously, but if you are treating her with respect and doing your part to contribute to Tikkun Olam to heal the world. I just ask that if you recognize that if you’re ever caught on tape paying an exploited woman the equivalent of a billionaire nickel to mash your genitals in the back room of a strip mall massage parlor, that you take responsibility for your actions and atone. And also keep my name out of your mouth.
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
*Editor’s Note: Obviously this isn’t Robert Don’t-Call-Him-Mister-Anymore Kraft’s Rabbi; this is a former Rabbi from a Congregation in Brookline, and if this character ends up devolving into anti-Semitic tropes, balls and I will pull this post and then drive to your house to punch you in the testicles, non-Kraft edition.
I couldn’t agree more with the Rabbi or Dan Savage in this case. Odds are you want to share your kink because in your mind it will impress her, but more importantly, you’re putting the cart before the horse that you’re also not fucking. Go have a cup of coffee, and if it turns into coitus then you can celebrate with a massive money shot. The chances that you’ll drown this woman in semen are about the same as Donald Trump scoring over 1000 on his SATs.
That’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open. Thanks for reading!
Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!