We need to talk about last night’s Paradise Hotel: Chlamydia Stew

I swear to you that I have better taste. I do not just exclusively watch skanky reality television.

Last night, I had finished dinner and I was perusing the channel guide when I saw that Paradise Hotel was airing on FOX. Unlike with Temptation Island, I had never seen the original and so I didn’t know what it was about. I had seen a commercial and it seemed intriguing.

So, I tuned in.

It is now 10:17 PM Pacific and I have to wake up at 4 AM tomorrow for work and yet I feel compelled to write this post.

Where do I begin?

Ok, for the ones that didn’t see the original show, like me, here is how it works: 5 guys and 6 girls were taken to a “hotel” on a beach in “Paradise”, which I found out is actually Mexico. As far as I can tell, the producers paid their mordida to the local authorities (Official and Unofficial), so no one is decapitated and hung from a freeway overpass.

Yet.

Mrs. Jay Cutler is the host of the show and that’s a solid casting choice right there. She is the Mark L of Paradise Hotel and she does a wonderful job of stirring shit up and saying what the rest of us are thinking.

I really don’t know what the rules are. Hell, they probably make them up as they go along, but the central concept is that people come (apparently literally) and go and there will be a grand prize of a quarter of a million dollars for the last person to “check out” of Paradise Hotel at the end. Or two people. I have no idea.

On the first show, Mrs. Cat chose five keys out of an urn and the girl corresponding with the key got to pick a dude to be her roommate for the week. The math says that left one girl out and that turned out to be Mariaelena, who got a shitty room by herself.

Oh, and did I mention that all of these people have perfect bodies and skin and at least three of them are models (if not all)? It’s like Zoolander, The Running Man, and the Black and Tan episode from Psych all had an orgy and the dirty sheets were squeezed like a towel and the drippings were put into a planter and this show grew out of it.

Of course, the cast is mostly white people with one Token Black girl (Deion Sanders’ daughter), a Cuban dude named Carlos, and a Puerto Rican girl named MariaElena.

From left: Carlos, David, Kendall, Mariaelena, Hans, Mrs. Don’t Care, Deiondra (Real Original Deion!), Brittany, Bobby, Rosanna, Tatum, and Tyler

To those of you that read my Temptation Island posts, you already know that I love it when Latino contestants are on these shows that profess to “find love”. They are really looking to bang as many bodies as they can before they get kicked off the show.

And there was plenty of banging tonight.

Rosanna hooked up with Tyler and I’m pretty sure they were banging almost all week. Same thing with Kendall and David.

Beyond those four, there were a couple of interesting twists as Brittany was the last girl to pick a roommate and got stuck with Bobby, although she liked Hans. Hans got picked by Tatum, but didn’t really dig her. And Mariaelena decided to stick with Latin cooking and went after Carlos.

I’m not going to do a full recap like with Temptation Island, but I want to ask you, dear readers: Did you watch this? Have you watched earlier editions? Is it worth doing recaps?

I have to say, I’m actually hooked. These are horrible horrible people playing head games and I’m looking forward to seeing the schadenfreude flow.

FWIW, at the end of the episode, Brittany switched allegiances and picked Hans as her next week’s roommate, Tyler/Rosanna and David/Kendall stuck together, Carlos chose Mariaelena over Deiondra (after agreeing to a super secret pact on the first night that he promptly broke when he made out with Mariaelena),

Tatum decided to room with Bobby, and a new white boy called Big Red checked into the hotel at the end of the show after being chosen out of 3 dudes by the guys. There was a Twitter poll thing at the end that could potentially add one of the 2 new dudes that weren’t chosen to the mix, but I honestly have no clue what’s going on.

Oh, and Deiondra went home to sleep in her own bed covered with her daddy’s money.

Thoughts?

(59/69)

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
ballsofsteelandfury

Latest posts by ballsofsteelandfury (see all)

Please Login to comment
6 Comment threads
8 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
9 Comment authors
UnsurprisedSenor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well NighBeerguyrobballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Senor Weaselo

You know who isn’t watching it? Me. You know who else? Jay Cutler.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

DOOOOONNNNTTTTT CAAAARRRREEEEE

Beerguyrob

They should introduce a former Bears or Dolphins cheerleader just to intimate martial tension.

Cheerleader: “Hi Jay. Long time, no see.”

Mrs. Cat: “Jay, did you drink from her saucer of milk?”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

/PUKES UP HAIRBALL. STRUTS OFF, ASSHOLE BARED

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I also agree there needs to be more martial tension. Give them weapons, damn it!

SonOfSpam

This sounds just lovely! I’ll have to check it out one night when I’m too drunk to feel shame.

Ian Scott McCormick

I really don’t know what the rules are. Hell, they probably make them up as they go along

Roger Goodell nods thoughtfully.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pretty sure this is banner-worthy.

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

What happens at DFO-Con stays at DFO-Con. Except herpes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So why did Miss Deion Jr go home? Are you kicked out as soon as someone switches out as your roommate/fuck buddy?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I click on the site and there’s a Jay Cutler ass on my screen while my mom is in the room.

I cannot stop laughing about this.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I wanted to make a joke about her getting off to that photo but I got nothin’