That’s right, fellow white devils (and jiminy Christmas, where is Big Black Richard??) – BeIn is doing Norteamericanos a big favour and televising the 2019 Cup of Nations/Afrikan Euros.  Action kicked off yesterday with host Egypt (fuck off, Mo Salah) beating a game Zimbabwe squad, 1-nil.

You get a triple-header on Saturday, with Congo v. Uganda (10:30), real contender Nigeria v. Burundi (is this Afrika’s Curacao?) at 1p, followed by a kid’s movie hosting a bunch of Guinea pigs (4:00).  Sadly, our beloved Rwanda Hoteliers did not qualify.  Sad Hippo.  Ah mean, it’s not like you even need arms for Lesser Footy, y’all get your shit together!  Nigeria features an Evertonian prospect, Henry Onyekuru.  I will be watching him closely.

Don’t forget about your well-in swing South American Euros!  Chile, Colombia, and #LesserGuay all look like they could at least make Brasil sweat.  Team Japan is also super fun to watch, playing loose and free and really fucking going for it.  Their draw against URU may have been the match of el torneo.  Saturday, you get a very sad Bolivia v. Venezuela tilt, concurrently with Peru taking on an angry Brasil side (3:00, ESPN+).

Womenfolk also start the knockout stage, with Germany and Norway being the better sides – and also my perverted choices.  Especially Norway, mein GOTT!

One may notice that I don’t refer to the Gold Cup as the North American Euros?  Why?  Because it’s a goddamned crime against God and man, and not worthy of such an affectionate moniker.  Fuck’s sake, I was so bored last night that I bet $50 on Curacao, which I am not at all sure is a real nation-state.

Somebody pass Hippo another ginger beer and v-profen, won’t ya?  Anyhow, enjoy the matches.  I have invited Litre, Balls, and the rest of DFO’s crack Lesser Squadron to add their thoughts, if they wants.

Balls –  I have a few things to say:

1. I am disappointed in myself that I did not understand Hippo-speak when he said he wanted to bet on the Hoteliers in the back room.  I am ashamed I didn’t catch that brilliance.
2. I really don’t think Brasil is playing all that well in the South American Euros.  Methinks they will get knocked out Maracanazo-style by Uruguay in the knockout rounds.
3. Hippo is a betting savant. He correctly picked Curaçao to win!
4. I will one day do a post on why the three South American Reject Countries are in CONCACAF instead of CONMEBOL.
5. Obligatory:

As far as the Afrikan Euros, its difficult to predict a winner. Since it’s being held in Egypt, I’d say they have the upper hand, regardless of Mo Salah, who I personally think is overrated, but then people will say that’s just my anti-EPL bias.

My choice game to watch today is the Burundi-Nigeria game solely because of that one time when I had coffee with the President of Burundi:

Litre_Cola: Excuse me Mr Hippotopamus, who can forget the Gold Cup of 2000?

That shit happened. I will move on because the Gold Cup is indeed shit. I am going to break CONCACAF  down for you. Mexico, USA, a rotating 3rd party who gets shit kicked at the World Cup.

I would love someone to figure out the lady World Cup scoring for me/us. It is absurd but with the addition of prop bets to the scoring Hippo will win. It has been written.

I have watched quite a bit of the tourney, really enjoyed it and it seems to me it will be the Yanks, Brits in the final if the bracket plays out that way. If Norway had the best player in the world with this club then it would be a 3 Nistelrooy race.

The South American Euros have been very lacklustre thus far. Even the crowd shots haven’t exuded Brazilian sexiness. Brazil looks tired/bored, the Argies are a mess, Rand McNally didn’t even show up, and I still confuse Bolivia for Paraguay when it comes to geography. I still believe that the hosts will win and that the play will improve because it has been mediocre at best. Show moar dancing!

Afrika Euros! Hell yeah I was happy when teh Hippo messaged me that it was on BeIn!

Group A

Egypt – They will win the group as they are hosts and better than these clubs.

DR Congo- Big country, lots of bad shit goes on there, doesn’t seem too democratic to me.

Zimbabwe- They are allowed to play in things now? Is it because Bobby M. is out? Speaking of Bobby, it amazes me that he hasn’t been kicked out of the country. He was real fucking shady and you would think he would be living in exile right now.

Uganda- Idi Amin, and this guy;

Group B

Burundi – I got nothing, but Aigle Noir won their premier league. I am sure Hippo made some scratch on it.

Madagascar- They must have expanded the field.

Guinea- Insert Peruvian mouth watering joke #1 here…

NIgeria- Oil Pirates for the win in this group.

Group C

Algeria, Tanzania, Kenya stand no chance against Senegal. NO CHANCE.

Group D

Ivory Coast, Morocco, Safrs are usually quite good, this probably would be considered the group of death and poor Namibia will get the score run u on them due to goal differential. NO CELEBRATING 11-0!

Group E

Angola, Mali, Mauritania, Tunisia. How the hell were the groups seeded? This is piss poor compared to the last one. Maybe I am living in 2001 and I think countries are better than they are these days. Roger Milla is still playing right?

Group F

Benin- Weird an internet broadcaster has thei own team

Guinea-Bissau – Known for cocaine importing and making Peruvians salivate once again..

Cameroon, both a lovely French snack and a hell of a football team.

Ghana – I really want to go here, Senegal too but that is probably due to language. I also always question these people that get catfished by Ghanaian dudes.

Final four without looking at the bracket as I am tired will be Oil Pirates, Youssou N’dours, French Pastries, Ex-Apartheid FC.

In other news the Canadian Premier League’s Spring title or Apertur’eh can be clinched today by Cavalry FC. I will be there, I will be drunk, probably will take some edibles and have no voice at the end. I will be writing a BOTG for the Apertur’eh once Spring season is done.

Happy futbolling.