As most of you know, I don’t know jack about Soccer. Other than it’s kinda boring for 90 minutes, they don’t care about the clock, then they add time. And it’s still boring even then.
Admittedly, I know many of you love sitting there watching no goals scored, so who am I to judge?
Wow, I haven’t seen an American surrounded by so many Germans since….
Well, let me stop myself right there.
(But you do see the score there after 67 minutes? Right?)
Anywhoooooo….
But there was no early Saturday thread scheduled today, so…..Here I am!!!!!
Personally, Imma get drunk and watch movies all day. Then at 4pm, watch the Cleveland Indians kick the living hell out of the Orioles. Probably.
If one of you Soccer Nerds wants to jump in here and add whatever soccer scheduling thingys you think need to be publicized (so everyone can be bored along with you), then go for it.
Either way, you can talk about how nobody is scoring goals here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuTvnSvyQU0
Later Taters.
–
UNDERDOG!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa1fH0SvGPg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1hZVDLkJDc
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY FUCKSTICKS!
SVERGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what I hope isn’t happening at halftime in each of the dressing rooms because I’ve seen it a million billion times.
German Manager: “As far as our defensive alignment is concerned we’re going to change this, this and this.”
Swedish Manager: “Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s working great!”
Hicks with the 2-run GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL. I think I got it right?
Hicks? Soooo… you’re watching a tractor pull?
Ghana has a great nickname – Black Stars
Johnny Manziel has a great nickname for where his career went- Black Hole.
In today’s Cricket World Cup update: Pakistan beat Afghanistan on their second-to-last (or “penultimate”, if you will) ball of the 50th over to win by two runs.
Awesome!
The German defensive wall showing cracks is brought to you by the estate of Erich Honecker.
Shit 1-1. No $50 for tWBS.
I haven’t seen Germans so committed to avoiding defense since Stalingrad.
“A woman with “SS” on her uniform scoring on the Germans is a lot like rain on your wedding day.”
-Alanis, football commentator
LOOK AT YOU SWEDEN!!!!!!
trust me…I am!
/and they are a really exciting footy side, outside of my being a pervert
Hey now. We’re creepy. We’ve got a bit of work to do in order to achieve ‘perv’ status.
true, we aren’t masturbating in anyone’s shrubbery. YET.
I mean, we haven’t even agreed on which shrubbery.
/speaking of, when would you like the next round of negotiations to begin?
I prefer shaved.
Speak for yerself.
it’s a 10!!!!
Soccer would be more fun to watch if they could use their hands.
Why do you think Rapinoe keeps her fingernails so short?
You don’t really want me to answer that.
So, speedball? Not the drugs one?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speedball_(American_ball_game)
Germany up 1-0. Not a big concern given that the last two times they were certain of victory, things didn’t turn out so well.
Nice call Santayana.
Announcer makes mention of German player out six years with a heel problem but she’ll never touch the record of Jon Benet-Ramsay being out with a throat injury for twenty-three years now and counting.
Yikes.
How about baseball in a soccer stadium? 385 to center?
Hell, even at my age I could poke one out straightaway there.
Wait, let me rephrase that.
Aside from having a German step-mother that wrote me out of my dad’s will and tried her best to sink my career, I’ve no cheering interest whatsoever in this tilt.
GO SWEDEN!
I absolutely love the Swedes, especially #23. Maybe the Krauts let them win, out of Mad Respek for they racial purity?
I’m all-in on #11 Blackstenius because it’s the weirdest Swedish name I’ve come across and also reminds me of “Blackenstein” for some reason.
she always has a look of stern disapproval on her face, too. I dig it.
Her favorite movie?
Blackula.
the Angolans and Martians (??) are really killing my Afrikan Euros buzz
That truck is now pregnant with beer. Bursting. Thanks to my generosity, there’ll be dozens and dozens of drunkards wandering thru the streets this evening. My curveball? I’m sponsoring my town’s first ever “Midnight Rally Race”.
[laughs maniacally]
I came up with my plan after watching this documentary
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2GEKV1dOgY
I feel like I should start a blog where I do nothing but complain about stuff the Dr. Mrs. does. Like creating a booby trap for spills by covering up a full cup of coffee with a hat.
A hat?
Yes, a hat.
What kind of hat?
This one.
–
Dr. Mrs. Gilligan?
At least it looks like it would keep the coffee warm-ish.
I am not quite sure she has thought this through all the way.
/my experience with doctors as a law-talking-guy is that they are extremely brilliant at their specialty. and the rest of life…no brain capacity left
The building across from us at work is the physical lab building and the scientists and engineers there prove your point on a regular basis.
Hot Telemundo host ladies are hot
How’s the weather?
They really are. I don’t know why I’d ever watch any other coverage.
I’ll take the 70 points on the crazy FIFA pool…
Next game should be some good pervin’!
Little known side effect of getting old? When you try to sleep in, your dreams just get weirder and weirder. I dreamt that I bought (on a complete hunch) a small Greek restaurant, then spent the rest of my long dream being all like “my God, what have I done??”
You realize that was a dream about anal sex, right?
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hippo ain’t wrong. Coupla nights ago I dreamt that I was in Vegas and US Marshals showed up and arrested me for trafficking marijuana. I mean I get where that came from I guess. But still….why?
Because you touch yourself.
Worth it.
there was a rain delay (??) in the middle of the Lesser Donks contest I bet on last night, but I woke up to find they held onto a 1-nil win!
/Hippo fell asleep to KMOX coverage of #BFIB shitting themselves on the West Coast
This Italian keeper is so bad she probably couldn’t even keep elephants from crossing the Alps.
Do elephants cross the alps?
Well shit. I change the channel for five minutes and lose 50 bucks.
I still want to know who Wanda is.
this opener is well short of 3-1 to the Dutch that I predicted
tWBS not a fan of 70 minutes of buildup for that one explosion of a ball? Guess I’ll keep all this edging porn to myself then.
Don’t forget! Angola y Mauritania on BeIn. Afrikan Euros, raise yo’ fist!
/good prep for #BlackCanadia tonight
Spitse is a very popular player in the Netherlands, but not so much as her cousin Swallowse.
Lesser DOINK!
I get that David Ortiz was shot or whatever but, I mean, how bad would it be if there were more shootings of Boston sports figures and fans?
I’m not going to say I think him getting shot is funny. But I’m not not going to say it either.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eoro-V97l0
Ortiz was able to handle it so well because he’s already used to getting shot…up with steroids!
/rimshot
I mean, think of how much THAT would impress Jodie Foster!!
/sorry I forgot the hread again
Okay, so this is the Dutch team that Balls was talking about.
True story…Hippo and I have a friend whose daughter played for the Dutch National Softball team for a couple of years.
Yes, that’s a thing.
I had a guy stay with us in South Africa who used to do the play-by-play for American baseball broadcasts in the Netherlands. Wouldn’t have expected there to be a market for that, but I guess there’s a market for just about everything.
Welcome to the world Decilitre. They lost your bag.
Do we get an episode of Mrs. Cola Reacts Reasonably?
She was the reasonable one. I had to walk away!
THIS GAME I CALL IT A DARREN SHARPER MIMOSA CAUSE I AM CONSUMING IT AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING YET STILL FIND MYSELF FALLING ASLEEP.
My wife has on GMA.
News in America is like a date with Darren Sharper — it’s not something I want anything to do with and I think, overall, women are worse off for it existing.
That story that got that Barstool writer fired sounds like a wet dream for conservative news (any kind of news, really) – brown immigrant with a name containing multiple Z’s murders a white, probably Christian college student and buries her body in his yard.
Pretty sure that picture of a swat team painting a bunch of assault rifles at the suspect is just a stock photo of a black guy being arrested.
Chopped her up and burned the pieces as well.
/Work a few minutes away from where that happened
Is the Womens World Cup like the WNBA in that it’s subsidized by the Men’s World Cup? Or does it actually make enough
bribesmoney to support itself?I think most participants just don’t pay their players.
Based on this morning’s showing I can’t really blame them.
LOL….coming up they’re gonna break down the scoreless first half.
What’s wrong with that? I bet you think those 6-3 Cleveland-Jacksonville Thursday Night games are shit too, eh?
/What if the Browns are good this year and we can’t make “the Browns are terrible” jokes now?
Don’t worry, you’ll have the Ravens to kick around.
They’re just the Browns by another name.
That’s actually a very valid point.
…and Ruby Rhod skies a cross into next week.
Free kick shot on goal bounces four times before it gets to the keeper.
I feel like that card was just handed out at random cause the ref was bored.
Didn’t look like a push.
Who the hell is Wanda?
Seriously it’s like watching a pair of eight year-olds play foosball.
LMFAO
OK, that is not a woman.
Hey look, everybody is standing around not playing and the clock is still running.
I need to find my stopwatch and check just how accurate they are with stoppage time. Personally I think they’re full of shit.
28 minutes and no one has scored.
Sounds like my last date.
I don’t know how you think dates work…
Actually, by this point I probably should.
Tough but fair.
These Dutch girls are playing really well. I’m pretty impressed. They may roll over Italy once they get going…
I’ve only been watching for ten minutes but I’ve already seen Italy make two really, really pathetic mishandling mistakes.
Still 0-0?
Come to me Grant!!!!! (phrasing)
F1 qualifying is happening right now live from Red Bull land too!
No nil scores here.
Hippo must be passed out on the pills…
Your schedule:
8 AM DFO Time – Sexy Italian Women vs Sexy Dutch Women
11:30 DFO Time – Sexy German Women vs Sexy Swedish Women
2:00 PM DFO Time – Sexy Uruguay Men vs Trying To Be Sexy Peruvian Men
6:00 PM DFO Time – Sexy and Suddenly Very Black (per Hippo) Canadian Men vs Are They Still Starving There? Fighting Papa Docs
9:00 PM DFO Time – Sexy Mexican Men vs Sexy Costa Rican Men
Since tWBS loves it when I point out he’s wrong, I’ll guarantee that none of these games end up 0-0 after regulation.
If one does, I’ll make a $50 donation to a charity of tWBS’ choice, even a stripper named Charity.
LOL.
Shit now you’re gonna make me watch just to keep you honest.
I mean, 50 bucks is 50 bucks.
Your 0-0 prediction for the Netherlands-Italy game is looking very bad already based on the quality of play I’ve seen so far. These women couldn’t score if they were dressed as Sailor Moon at an anime convention.
hahahahaha
I’s gonna miss most of the first women’s game cause I donated the use of a reefer (no, not that kind) truck to hold beers for a street dance tonight. Do I get a case of beer for my exceptional kindness and donation of free time? No, I do not. Would someone kindly right this horrific wrong?
Do they have strippers named Charity in your neck of the woods?
True story. In my younger years I dated both a “Hope” and a “Faith”. But never a “Charity”.
And no, they weren’t strippers. Unfortunately.