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Your “Barren Like Jennifer Aniston” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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,

NFL Nuggets:

  • Tedy Bruschi is recovering from a stroke last week.
    • He posted Monday that he started feeling symptoms on Thursday, July 4:
      • Around 10:30am on July 4th I lost use of my left arm. I then tried to speak and realized I was slurring my speech. As I turned to my wife she noticed the left side of my face was drooping. We immediately knew what was happening.
    • It’s his second stroke, following the one he had during the 2005 season. which caused him to miss the first six weeks of the season.
      • He retired after the 2009 season.
  • Dolphins DT Kendrick Norton had his arm amputated and remains hospitalized after a car crash.
    • His truck collided with a concrete barrier & flipped over, coming to rest on its hood.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick – the Harvard boy with a 50-75-1 career record – believes he has been “disrespected” over his career.
    • But he considers his latest stop with the Dolphins an attempt to finally shut that noise up, along with his role to tutor Josh Rosen into becoming a NFL quarterback.
    • Even though the article that talks about his quest immediately dismisses him with this sobriquet:
      • “Ryan Fitzpatrick is entering his 15th NFL season with his eighth NFL team. He is, by definition, a journeyman.”
  • Well, now I have another reason to hate-watch the AFC East:

Finally, while I agree with everyone that Deadspin is usually the worst, they do have an excellent article today on how Doug Flutie was the prototype for today’s smaller, mobile quarterbacks.

  • It talks about how the CFL helped mold him into the type of QB that can succeed in the NFL without having the prototypical “size” scouts say you need to succeed.
  • It also expounds on how Ralph Wilson was the one who fucked over the Bills in 1999 & earned the “Music City Miracle”.

I have nothing against Ms. Aniston. She’s quite the looker.

   

I just needed a barren metaphor for tonight’s sports scene that wasn’t a desert. Feel free to fill the comment section with desert photos.

Or dessert photos –

you do you.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • 2019 Home Run Derby – 8:00PM | ESPN2 / Sportsnet
  • NBA Summer League Basketball:
    • Raptors vs. Spurs – 7:00PM | ESPNU / TSN2
    • Timberwolves vs. Bucks – 9:00PM | ESPNU
    • Pelicans vs. Bulls – 9:30PM | TSN5
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Yeesh – my apologies to Ms. Aniston. There’s actually less than nothing on TV tonight.

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny…..
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

LMFAO

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

KQ suited on the deal. This could get good.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Nope, pair of 7’s takes it. I’m getting bored.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Two matching pairs of 7’s. We’re about to find out who the pussy at this table is.

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Mr. Ayo

KITTEH!?!?

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theeWeeBabySeamus

lol, right?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I bet she has one of them fancy Hollywood pussies that ladies are buying these days.

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Mr. Ayo

I’d pet it. Repeatedly.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yowza.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

BOTH pairs of 7’s folded on the river.
Jeebus. Guy who took the pot had nothing.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Two pair, A’s and 9’s gon’ get it.
Why am I still fucking watching poker?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

She was amazing in that movie. Amazing.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Let’s go back to Jennifer Aniston.
LOOK THAT’S A NICE TUSHIE!!!!!!!!
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes, it’s photoshopped (not by me don’t sue me), but still.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Is it normal for hot dogs to screech at you while cooking them on a grill?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Do they screech in Spanish?

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Can you translate “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” for me?

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SonOfSpam

LOL Low Commander is roasting hookers but he’s so high he thinks they’re hot dogs. If I had a nickel…

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They’re called “call girls” until the screams stop.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

If LCSS is that high, he should be more worried about what he’s going to mistake for a hot dog next and toss on the grill next.

Ow, ow ow ow ow.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Were they still alive?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Pigs are apparently cannibals.

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SonOfSpam

Programming note: Megan Rapinoe will be joining Rachel Maddow tomorrow night.

This might be the first time I watch two awesome lesbians who aren’t having sex.

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litre_cola

Did you watch women’s tennis in the 80’s?

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SonOfSpam

Only Capriati. If only I had the drugs, I woulda had a shot.

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litre_cola

I too had a huge crush on her. I marveled at how busty Graf was and could still move, and how Billie Jo and Martina were in the closet that long. NO ONE COULD TELL????

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SonOfSpam

Graf was underrated, ifyouknowwhatImean.

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ballsofsteelandfury

This picture is frozen in my memory
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litre_cola

Didn’t she do a tasteful Playboy shoot?

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ballsofsteelandfury

I believe yes.

/ half of DFO leaves to Google “Steffi Graf Playboy”

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah sure….”half”.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Now before I do a search, just how tasteful was it?

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ballsofsteelandfury

I actually already searched and couldn’t find anything.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Too bad.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, they were really in the closet? I thought it was obvious!

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SonOfSpam

Jim Rome used to call Martina “Martin” because GET IT? Hey clones, have a take and don’t suck.

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litre_cola

Thanks for the vine Spam, I am a long haul trucker and listen to you every day. Problem is that I am alright with them lesbians but my son ain’t need to see that on teevee.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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SonOfSpam

No, you will not be disappearing into those bushes.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL. “Bushes”.
/goes and buys the big pack of razors

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theeWeeBabySeamus

ooooh…bullets on the deal.

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SonOfSpam

“Not fucking funny.”

– Wild Bill Hickok

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

My back is fucked. It’s hell getting old.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I might have said those exact words earlier today.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Why do I watch Poker?
Oooooh, dude going for the flush.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Nope, he blew it. Three nines got ya.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Why do they think it’s a good idea to have these kids in the outfield?

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Col. Duke LaCross

Alonso is getting screwed by his BP pitcher.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

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Mr. Ayo

MLB’s new strategy to make superstars may be a tad controversial.

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Horatio Cornblower

My son and I were just talking about that last round. Typical Mets.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Pretty impressive considering all the soft sliders he was throwing.

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Senor Weaselo

If he’d lost I would have said they should’ve just had the pen pitch.

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Horatio Cornblower

Next year MLB should just say ‘fuck everything’, (you know, like when they let Frank McCourt buy the Dodgers), and break out aluminum bats for the Derby.

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Senor Weaselo

Vladito got tired from having to hit all the homers against Joc.

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Redshirt

Just imagine if they had these Flubber infused juiced balls in the 90s with McGwire, Sosa and Bonds

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Mr. Ayo

Then the 90s would be the record.

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Porky Prime

I still maintain that they specifically did this in 1987.

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Redshirt

(30 minutes ago) “I gotta be up at 2AM, but I’ll turn the Derby on to fall asleep.”

(4 hours and no sleep from now) “Stupid Derby.”

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Wait, Jennifer Anistion is barren?
SWEET NO MOAR CONDOMS!!!!!!!!!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Plus bonus….she’s rich.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

And just so Balls knows, I most certainly don’t think she has a penis.
Though admittedly, I have been wrong before on that front.

(I still plan to find Trent Reznor before I die and punch him in the head a couple times)

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SonOfSpam

Ok, then pop quiz hotshot…let’s say she was a hermaphrodite (looks exactly the same except she has a dick and balls in addition to the vagina) – DO YOU?

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theeWeeBabySeamus

If I have a vagina I have not found it yet. If i do, I’ll never leave the house again.

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SonOfSpam

I may not have been clear, but thank you for your vaginal information.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You sound a little too interested in my thus far unfound vagina.

I NEED AN ADULT!!!!!!!!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

As long as she doesn’t want to peg me without lube, I might consider it.

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Mr. Ayo

Oh good, you’re here.

I was hoping you could tune into the home run derby and provide your thoughts on Jessica Mendoza.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Gimme a sec, I only just got home. It’s been another fun day.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, Joey Gallo.
No I said Callo.
Still always makes me laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D08a_wAC2iY

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Senor Weaselo

So that was the final, right?

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SonOfSpam

I worry Vladito might have a letdown in the final, but then he may not be a normal human.

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Mr. Ayo

What’s the point of the other semi?

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SonOfSpam

– My wife, pointing at my groin, after using a vibrator.

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WCS

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SonOfSpam

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Also yes

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Unsurprised

Is everyone still mad at each other? It’s going around. At least here we’re blaming the shitty weather and how it’s freezing in fucking July. Plus I am now in round three of fighting with the IRS, so I’ve got that going for me.

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ballsofsteelandfury

We’re fine. I posted a Monty Python video and we’re all good.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Balls and I sometimes butt heads. But we always make up.
He’s always right. Or so I’m told.
😉

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hehe…”buttheads”…..hehehe

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Senor Weaselo

Bananacakes in Cleveland!

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SonOfSpam

Holy shit. This is fun as hell.

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Mr. Ayo

Triple double bananacakes!

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WCS

A wild Peak Millennial Named Pederson emerges!

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SonOfSpam

As Weaselo pointed out below, Baby Vlad is an absolute beast.

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Mr. Ayo

Hiring the Orioles pitching staff is really paying off.

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SonOfSpam

WAIT A MINUTE…THAT’S JOC PEDERSON’S MUSIC!

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WCS

BAH GAWD KING

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Porky Prime

You have Jeffery Epstein’s attention.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Nice beaver.

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ThurberHerder

Drove 9 hours up, and 14 hours back, all to get 2 separate hours in Acadia National Park. I am a time managing savant.

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herodotus450

When I am elected Dicktator 4 Lyf3, elections will still be held. Debates will be had, even. And every election, the first person to suggest “moving up” the first debate to an earlier date will be sacrificed to Cornlor, the god of bountiful harvests, maker of extra fructose starches, so that we might all one day grow plump and corpulent.

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herodotus450

I guess Cornlor might not be the best name, but ever since we started the whole sacrificing thing we seem to be running low on advertising/media/pr types…

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Senor Weaselo

God DAMN, Vladito.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’d love to pump a baby into Ms. Aniston if she wants one. I’m sure there is no lack of volunteers on that front.

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SonOfSpam

You think so? I don’t really want you to pump a baby into me.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I rather do a load of old man yogurt. the baby would be hard to get unless you have a 100 bucks down on Seven Street.

2
Redshirt

Wow. Props to American Ninja Warrior for making Cincinnati look like a nice town instead of a city horribly suffering because the past administrations refused to make it a railroad hub or building a fully functional subway.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So that’s why Jared Fogle was always talking about how he could never find the kind of sandwiches he wanted in Cincinnati.

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Redshirt

A special thanks one of the two dozen or so Democrats who has no chance at winning this thing, finally having a heart and quitting.

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SonOfSpam

I got no beef with him; he got to debate once, talk about gun control, now back to work. Probably raised some good scratch for himself too.

This is at most about a 5-6 person race. Everyone else is just jerking off. Which is fine and healthy.

4
Redshirt

I’m no expert, but I think when you have 20 people, it qualifies as an orgy.

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SonOfSpam

Not the way I do it.

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King Hippo

there are 4, and exactly 4, who have ANY chance: Warren, Harris, Biden, Boot Edge Squared (very small chance for him)

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Redshirt

Sad thing is there could be more, but there’s so many people on the stage, they can’t get time to talk.

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King Hippo

once you get past 8 or 9, you make breaking through the din nigh impossible

1
Redshirt

If you guys let Marianne Williamson back on that Debate Stage, I’m voting for Trump purely out of spite.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh come on, you didn’t find her entertaining? That’s the reason a good 50% of Trump voters claim they pulled the lever for him.

2
King Hippo

Mass transit?? What kinda pinko commie secret Moooooslim homo you done turned into smh

4
Redshirt

I blame all of you. And a crumbling infrastructure, woefully inadequate road system, and a barren as-beautiful-as-Jennifer-Aniston Union Terminal whose good enough to inspire the Hall of Justice but not good enough for a railroad hub that would’ve made Cincinnati a major city for commerce and industry, showing that Cincinnati has been helping Chicago and St. Louis win long before the Reds and Bengals existence.

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King Hippo

also #NoWombAtTehJen

2
SonOfSpam

#Friends(WhichAreImportantWhenYouHaveNoFamily)

2
litre_cola

Or when you hate them! – A. Rodgers

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What would the stones be on a Tom Brady infinity gauntlet?

0
SonOfSpam

Practicing, Deflation, MagicWater, Posing, PregnantWifeLeaving, SecretOxygen, and StrawberryAvoidance.

2
King Hippo

don’t forget “IgnoreSon” and “MakeOutWithSon”

4
SonOfSpam

Playing hard to get pays off.

2
Redshirt

System, WeakDivision, EastCoastBias, Elitism, RefsOnPayroll, StrategicWinning

3
King Hippo

I worked like a dog from 7a-7p…and there ain’t fuckall to relax to.

/ok, I did take small breaks for Afrikan Euros

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even though it’s a sad subject, I’d much rather hear about Teddy Bruschi having a stroke than Kellen Winslow Jr. having one.

9
Beerguyrob

BANNER!

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