Your “Almost At The Fireworks Factory” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL Noise:

  • Wednesday marks the first day of training camp for four organizations: the Denver Broncos, Baltimore Ravens, Arizona Cardinals and Seattle Seahawks.
    • It’s only rookies and/or first-year players, but still,

   

  • It’s been a couple of weeks, but it’s time for another fallout installment of “Stealing from Crimebeat!”
    • Suspended!
      • Vikings running back Roc Thomas – three games for violating the league’s substance abuse – after his arrest & guilty plea for felony drug possession – over five ounces of marijuana.
        • He was given probation by the court, and an expunged record if he completes all terms.
    • Suspended! (but a free agent)
      • Former 49ers and Jets cornerback Rashard Robinson – ten games with a substance abuse violation after missing several tests.
        • This is after serving a four game suspension in 2018.
    • Released!
      • Cardinals offensive tackle Desmond Harrison – after a warrant was issued for his arrest on felony charges of assault in North Carolina.
        • Based on an incident report filed Tuesday, the charges are assault on a person by strangulation and assault on a female by a male.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Rays at Yankees – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN2
    • Blue Jays at Red Sox – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Astros at Angels – 10:00PM | Sportsnet360
  • Futbol:
    • New England vs. Whitecaps FC – 7:00PM | TSN
    • Toronto FC vs. NY Red Bulls – 9:00PM | TSN

Sure, there’s not much to actually watch or talk about, but the barren landscape will soon be lush with beauty.

Okay, at least lush.

Okay, at least here.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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King HippoRikki-Tikki-DeadlyMr. Ayoyeah rightBeerguyrob Recent comment authors
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am still agonizing over the last hand of poker I played tonight, which put me out at #5 of 13; just out of the money. I was in big blind and had A7 off-suit, table leader pushed and I called; he had AK. I knew that it wasn’t a *great* hand to YOLO with, but the blind was probably 1/5 of my stack and I felt like the odds of seeing anything better would be slim.

King Hippo

c’mon, you NOE A-7 ain’t no callin’ hand.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was hoping he was just trying to bully me out of my blind. If he doesn’t have the A and was coming in with something like KQ it’s a coin flip.

King Hippo

I usually guess pocket pair

BrettFavresColonoscopy
yeah right

That’s a lede right there!

theeWeeBabySeamus

@Dok….you ever been to Cat’s Eye? It’s right on the harbor, a little east of the Aquarium if memory serves me correctly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

And now there’s a bunch of drunk idiots playing Cornhole in the hotel parking lot right next to Dave.

This could go bad. I better drink moar.

Doktor Zymm

Go to sidebar. Stat

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Move your truck.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Over the drunk idiots.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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She’s lucky some cop didn’t see her.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So, I got to watch the Baltimore Orioles actually win tonight. Live and in color.
It was wet. There was lightning all over the place.

So kinda like most of my dates. But this time, I left happy. Mostly.

Doktor Zymm

You at Camden?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep. 3rd row behind first base dugout.
But wow did it rain like hell there for a while.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

You prob can’t make it before closing, but if you aint been to sidebar you aint been to Baltimore

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, can’t get back to town now. Staying in Columbia/Elkridge. But I’ll be in town for another day or two depending. Might give it a go.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually I think I’ve been there before. I have a friend who works at Hopkins. I think we went to dinner there once.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t think they have food, so well done!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I just mapped it. It was somewhere in the area. The place we ate I mean.
I was probably drunk so of course I don’t remember exactly which place.

Yes, I’m serious.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh no, wait. The place we ate at was on the west of Lombard.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No sorry, not Lombard. Light street.
I might be drunk.

Hence why it would be bad for me to go back into the city right now.

Doktor Zymm

Sloppy drunk yeah https://youtu.be/q3-LXo9dLLI

Doktor Zymm
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Alexa, play the Blues. Cause she totes knows what it’s like

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Doktor Zymm

Happy blues, fuck this shit

Doktor Zymm

Have to be up at 4:30, more scotch?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Of course. How else are you going to get to sleep?

Doktor Zymm

Last of the Ledaig. Poured

Fronkenshteen

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Well, I’m going with vodka.
But you be you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sounds like my choices last night.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m usually pretty chill about idiots in public but I just snapped in a restaurant to ask the guy two tables over why he’s yelling and asked if he could be a little less loud.

Contributing to the issue is that I’m stressed and he’s a complete fucking douchebag.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They’re talking about their fiscal goals by the time they’re forty. “probably at least $10 million by that point”.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You guys know I’m on the road, should only take one guess to know where I am from this topic.

litre_cola

Maybe Wichita?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too neutral.

Fronkenshteen

New Jersey

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now we know why this fucking douchebag is talking loudly.
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Doktor Zymm

Keep an ear out for any personally identifying info and i’ll take dude out when I snap and go off grid

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m in your area, Zymm. You’ll be shocked to know the guy that wants to be earning $10M has casually mentioned that his parents make $2M a year and are cheap af. Do you want me to ask where he works so you can find him on a Google bus or something?

Doktor Zymm

If he works at FB I can write him shitty anonymous feedback! If not, bet I can still do some harm. I was planning on lobbying for permissive zoning regs anyway. And i’ve been in a shitty mood so it’s always good to have proper stab targets

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Like you’ve never made a list 🙂

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m not sure when I HAVEN’T made a list.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How short is he?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

This is interesting to me. The first “difference” former tWLS and I had was because of something similar. In a restaurant, the woman at the next table very loudly and rudely talking to her server and then the manager, claiming to have had a meal served to her which had ingredients she was allergic to.

It went on for nearly 10 minutes. Finally I turned around and asked her if she asked about the ingredients in what she ordered? No. And oh, it looks to me like you ate almost all of it. Shut up and pay your bill.

I thought it was funny. Former tWLS was mortified.

Doktor Zymm

L7 dammit

Fronkenshteen

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Doktor Zymm

Damn right

Fronkenshteen

So twisted. SO fucking good.

Doktor Zymm

Do people even riff any more? With crazy eyes or it don’t count?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who you calling a lush?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

I had to watch that twice. Impressive form.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Brings a new and pleasant meaning to butter face.

or butter throat, whichever.

Fronkenshteen

I THOUGHT IT WAS A TWINKIE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now I have doubt, but the butter would make anal great in about ten hours or so.

Doktor Zymm

Butter is delish and not a slur no matter what you think of people’s faces and similar sounding phrases

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Perhaps you miss my meaning.

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Fronkenshteen

You misunderstand, Mister Rimbaugh.

[bows frantically]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Our local Food Lion had Ballast Point Sculpin IPA this week. I even saw a Green Flash truck driving through my pissant little town. San Diego classy being imported by the east!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

yuse folks gettin’ fancy.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

As someone who took an addiction to weed later in life and understands how detrimental to one’s career drug use may be — who needs to carry five ounces of weed? I mean, was he arrested backpacking the Appalachian Trail straight through?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*habit

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Typical evening here at DFO

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Quiet… that’s late night DFO.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

More song parodies advertising edition!

The White Stripes – “I’m thinking about my Hormel when you gonna bring it, when you gonna bring it? ”

k.d. Lang – “Constipaaaaaation… always Beano”

Spice Girls – “If you wanna be my rubber, you gotta have a ribbed edge, Trojans last forever so erections never end”

Did I mention I fucking hate my job?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mad Jack Beyond the Thunderbone
Malcolm XXX
Max Bedroom
Miami Spice
Miracle on the Street
Mission Erotica
Missionary Position: Impossible
Muffy the Vampire Layer
My Bare Lady
Nightmare on Dyke Street
No Holes Barred

litre_cola

In Diana Jones

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That was weird.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A felony for five ounces of marijuana. What a shitty state and league that even gives a fuck about pot.

SonOfSpam

Dammit, how much bail money you need this time?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

No, it just shows how stupid he is for even getting caught, let alone charged with that.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It can be both things.

Fronkenshteen

This just in: the Dirt .500s are fucking TERRIFYING on offense.

SonOfSpam

Yeah, but the 80’s Dirt Rams have won the first two in the series.

(still gonna miss the playoffs and Mike Trout will win MVP)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ve had a great day. I met two different neighbors who I’d never talked to and had substantial conversations with. I made two new friends, which is the highest achievement in life. Then I went for a walk, and my neighborhood is beautiful and I met a guy walking three dogs and I petted all three of them. Then I talked to a dreadlocked U.S. Postal Service mailman. I went into my local pub and on one of the TVs that didn’t have sports was The Grapes of Wrath (1940) directed by John Ford and photographed by Gregg Toland. And at my local pub is a new bartender named Janet who is very nice and has an ample bosom and an ample everything else but God bless her and today is a beautiful day.

ballsofsteelandfury

And you didn’t have to use your AK.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He never said that.

SonOfSpam

THREE dogs???

Holy shit. #blessed

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

I just saw a trailer to a live action remake of Dora the Explorer. How did we let this happen?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

PornHub really has no shame.

SonOfSpam

Whora the Sexplorer
Sore-a the Anal Explorer
Clitora the Scorer

Redshirt

Let the Monkey Watch

SonOfSpam

What did Ginni Thomas say to her gigolo when he saw her husband in the closet?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Let the Monkey Watch

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, for the love of god don’r make me do it.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Dora the Exploder

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dora the Ex-Whorer

scotchnaut

Sleepy Town: ” Hey buddy, got a little something for ya.”

Me: “What is it? Oh right. [zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

herodotus450
herodotus450

Unfortunately Sleepy Town is facing a severe budget crisis, and will have to reduce all z’s by 10%. Oh and also taxes are still going up.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Let the sleeps pay the sleeper tax. I pay the homer tax.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We really should photoshop JPP into that “fireworks factory” image, as a hitchhiker.

herodotus450
herodotus450

He’s trying to hitchhike there, but no one seems to be stopping…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Andy Reid stopped but only because he mistook JPP for a lobster

King Hippo

I was really hoping for Drew Lock not to sign at all, and somehow get a comp pick out of it. BLECH

SonOfSpam

If you were a Mad Magazine writer, you’d just shorten it to Drew BLEECCCH.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

If he were a Mad Magazine writer…nevermind, too sad

Redshirt

I keep hearing people compare Donald Trump to Archie Bunker, and that is wrong.

Archie Bunker was a racist and a bigot. He was also loyal to his friends, he loved his family, and he adored his wife. While he was wrong about most things, he wasn’t afraid to listen to other’s views and ideas, and if he found he was wrong, to change his opinions and grow as a person. He was still a flawed person, but at least a little bit better.

herodotus450
herodotus450

In terms of age, Trump lines up to be more Mike than Archie.
Fun* Fact**: According to the interblab, Harrison Ford was offered the part of Meathead, at some point.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I agree 100%. I never got why Archie Bunker was a “bigot.” Fred Sanford was a bigot, and so was George Jefferson. They were just lower-middle-class guys who hadn’t seen much of the world but didn’t mean any harm to anyone. They were just looking out for themselves, which is everyone’s right to do. If anything, the world owed them an explanation. Everyone is a racist; that’s human nature. We just shouldn’t codify it.

King Hippo

Them shows were all pretty much based on showing how you can have impolite feelings/thoughts/words – but slowly evolve over time towards better understanding (without violating your actual principles, like the right has always tried to snooker folk into believing).

King Hippo

/also The Flintstones fairly effectively covered this from a gender perspective

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The Flintstones is my Bible. Joe Rockhead is the messiah.

herodotus450
herodotus450

smh the flintstones is a production of the devil to make us believe in such fantasies as “dinosaurs” and “men and women sleeping in the same bed”

scotchnaut

The primary reason why your comparison between Trump and Bunker fails is because the former’s words weren’t crafted by Norman Lear.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The difference is that the lower-middle-class no longer exists.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m unclear why he needs to be compared to anyone, especially a fictional character. It just belies the juvenile level of political discourse.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Twitter. Stop reading it.

Redshirt

That’s the answer to life’s problems. You should tweet it.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

These 25 GIFs absolutely PROVE Elizabeth Warren is Hermione Granger!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt
Redshirt

And now, another installment of “Redshirt’s Adventures at Work”!

Boss: “Good news, our company finally made a profit after six months of cutbacks!”
Me: “That’s great! Can I tell people on the floor, so they’ll know all the extra work and overtime was worth it.”
Boss: “No. Don’t do that.”

So in conclusion, I know have proof that my company considers good morale as a bad thing.

scotchnaut

You need to apply for a few other jobs. If you think that the management at your job is fundamentally flawed-get the hell out of there.

Redshirt

I’m slowing coming to that conclusion. I’m starting to feel like a Junior Officer on the Titanic.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Found Scotchy’s alter ego youtube personalty/channel.

scotchnaut

His hobo disposal techniques on the darkweb? [makes chef kiss motion]

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

What episode of Jackass was that when they put Johnny Knoxville in as a Jet?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Speaking of assault charges, has anyone heard from tWBS ?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on an incident report filed Tuesday, the charges are assault on a person by strangulation…

Meanwhile, Cody Parkey is staring down the barrel of a charge of assault on a fanbase by strangulation.

scotchnaut

“Your defensive front seven frightens and confuses me.”

-Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback Sam Darnold

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mid-season form already; don’t tear an ACL.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This has GOT to be bannerworthy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

With a name like Roc, you know it was only a matter of time before he got caught with (checks notes) marijuana? Oh.

scotchnaut

Little Known Fact: Chevy’s “Like A Roc” ad played remarkably well in the Middle East back in the day.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Somehow, “Roc the Casbah” didn’t fare so well…

LemonJello
LemonJello

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scotchnaut

“Rock, have you thought about wearing a condom?”

/see reaction above

King Hippo

surely he don’t like it?