Your Wednesday Evening “Reporting For Duty, Sir!” Open Thread

NFL Notes:

  • Not reporting today? Melvin Gordon, who continues to pursue a contract extension.
    • Gordon is set to earn $5.6 million in the fifth and final year of his rookie contract.
    • He is subject to fines of $40,000 per day missed of camp.
  • Not starting the season? Vikings cornerback Holton Hill, who received a four-game suspension from the NFL on Tuesday.
    • This is in addition to another four games he received in April.
      • Both were for substance abuse.
    • He will be eligible to rejoin the Vikings in Week 9.
  • Probably not starting the season? Taylor Lewan of the Titans, who pre-emptively announced he’s likely to be suspended for four games.
    • He apparently tested positive for Ostarine, an anabolic under the S1 Anabolic Agent category of the WADA Prohibited List. Ostarine is the trademarked name for a Selective Androgen Receptor Modulator (SARM) that is not approved for human use or consumption in the U.S., or in any other country.
    • He calls it a “supplement accident”, but on the USADA’s website they note that
      • [O]starine is not a permitted ingredient in dietary supplements. However, you should be aware that some dietary supplement manufacturers illegally put SARMs like ostarine in their products and sell them as “legal steroids” or “research only” chemicals. Moreover, they may omit ostarine from the label entirely, or use misleading names to confuse consumers. For example, ostarine may also be called enobosarm, MK-2866, or GTx-024.
    • They further note that “ostarine is not currently available as a prescription medication in any country. No matter what medical condition you have, your doctor is not legally allowed to prescribe ostarine to you as a treatment,” so he can’t blame his doctor.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Cleveland at Toronto – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Yankees at Twins – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Angels at Dodgers – 10:00Pm | Sportsnet1
  • Futbol:
    • Club Friendly Soccer:
      • Liverpool vs. Sporting Clube de Portugal – 8:00PM | TNT
        • From Yankee Stadium in New York City.

To wrap up, congrats to our very own Don_T, who – if my Spanish is correct – was successful in ousting the Governor of Puerto Rico, landing him the top job.

Paper towels for everyone!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Drew did his post about the Jets today. I am a Jets fan in the same way I am Catholic: I only really care and show up when stuff is going really good or really bad.

So without further ado here’s my post I never sent:

I first became aware of sports in 1998 right as I turned 8, but ticket stubs show I have been going to games since at least 1997 (I want to say this was my first game). Obviously I wasn’t aware of anything (and in hindsight I question bringing a 7 year old to a Jets game) and I didn’t become a fan because I would have remembered the next week when Reggie Brown almost died on national TV.

1998 comes around and the Mets have me interested in sports, so it follows that I needed a fall sport to give a damn about. My uncle has had Jets season tickets since the mid-80s and since they’re infinitely cheaper than Giants tickets, my father and my uncle take him up on the offer to see a game if the opponent’s interesting. After starting 0-2, i see Peyton Manning’s 3rd career start!

I see five games that year. They win them all! I see Doug Flutie! I see Steve DeBerg (who is my uncle’s age) make his first start in 5 years and get murdered! I see them win a game on a bullshit call that would have blatantly overturned one year later (video)! I see them beat up on some dude named Scott Zolak, but my biggest memory was a fight in a section across the field that actually cause the game to be stopped!

Now just because I saw wins there doesn’t mean I always enjoyed myself. My uncle’s section was a collection of degenerates that included Ozzy Osbourne’s limo driver and some dude who passed out nameplate stickers that said “MUEHLGAY” so people could put it over their faded Neil O’Donnell and Adrian Murrell jerseys (I came to realize later it was the dude’s last name) . Pastimes included calling random people faggots, twisting off mustard packets to the brink of exploding and throwing them on the lower section, and defacing a box of Flutie Flakes. Mercifully I wasn’t exposed to Gate D happenings at that time but a titty bar across Paterson Plank Road offered a shuttle service that was cheaper than Meadowlands parking. We did that once.

Oh my God, the Jets are… good? A look back at 1998 had them at second in SRS behind the Vikings (seriously, how the fuck did the Cardinals make the playoffs that year?) They beat the Jaguars handily, and holy shit, they’re up 10-0 early in the 3rd quarter on the Broncos! The game was over by the end of the third, and I still remember goddamn Alex Van Dyke’s name. No worries, most of the roster is coming back and they went 13-2 under Vinny Testaverde!

Then Vinny’s achilles explodes 22 minutes into the ’99 season. On a fucking handoff. The defense isn’t as good. The offense goes to shit until Ray Lucas starts in Week 9. The Rick Mirer era makes me question humanity. They win their last 4 to even go 8-8. Parcells retires and Belichick pulls out faster than a teenage boy but instead of cumming in a napkin, he uses one to tell the Jets he is resigning.

2000! Start 4-0, 6-2, and 9-4! Miss the playoffs, watch them get suffocated on Christmas Eve by Captain Stabbypants and Crew to clinch it. Al Groh leaves after the season and by going 9-7 has the second highest winning percentage in team history to this day (I wish I were making this up).

After that it’s a blur with intermittent memories like Mo Lewis nearly impaling Drew Bledsoe, Herm Edwards doing Herm shit, Vinny coming back, Favre year, DOOR FLYING THE FUCK OPEN, DOOR GETTING THE FUCK CLOSED ON TODD BOWLES AND THE PLAYOFFS, and bug-eyed alleged offensive genius now coach. I am way more into hockey and baseball than football.

I have not seen a regular season game in person since 2008 when Favre threw for a shit-ton of touchdowns and Anquan Boldin nearly got killed by Eric Smith.

Actually the most recent event I saw at MetLife Stadium was Eric LeGrand getting paralyzed against Army. I’ve seen maybe one preseason game since.

This could have six more paragraphs but fuck you.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is great!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I have a feeling he’s going to be out.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Unless he can crawl really really fast.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t care what anyone says, this is a helluva catch. Bare handed with a baby in the other hand.
SIGN THAT GUY!!!!! AND THE BABY TOO!!!!!!!
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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Juuuuust a bit outside…..
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I love the HP Umpire appealing to first. Ummmm….I think he offered at it dude, make the call.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How was this not an Orioles game?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You just haaaaad to go there didn’t you?
(LOL)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ugh, I arrived to a baseball game and left early. I might be turning into an Angeleno. I feel dirty.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think feeling dirty is just what happens at Chavez Ravine.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Unsurprised

Oops

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

Ah. Madonna’s vibrator.

SonOfSpam

Keep him alive long enough to tell on everyone. Then…if he dies, he dies.

litre_cola

Put him in the Iron Maiden. Bread and water til he talks. “Enhanced Interrogation techniques”

SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam

(Stating the obvious, this song fucking shreds)

Unsurprised

Nick Mullen immediately shoots a pimp in front of a cop to get sent to Riker’s

Fronkenshteen

Been a week and a half since we got back from the beach. Having too small a car, we needed to have my in-laws take our dog home with them till we could meet up again. Looks like it’ll be this weekend. Murdercat is now stretched out with her face smashed down directly into the dog’s sleep pillow, and she NEVER lays there. She misses her.
Ruby is a sleepy old doggy, and just wanted to be friends with murdercat since they met. But Murdercat’s emotional scars run deep, and she constantly intimidates Ruby with vicious claw swats.
Can’t wait to see the reunion.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Last night I was probably as proud of my dog as I’ve ever been. The cat was in the yard and started yowling at something, and the dog was DESPERATE to get out there and back her up. Brought a tear to my eye.

Brick Meathook

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Mr. Ayo

And just like that, a new era of DJ music was created.

Unsurprised

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SonOfSpam

Much better than the asshole Nugent version.

Fronkenshteen

HA!

Unsurprised

In ten years Justin Halpern went from @shitmydadsays to showrunner for the Harley Quinn cartoon, and I still can’t tell if that’s success or failure.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. I just got to aforementioned Dodger game. This stadium does not make it easy to get to your seat before the 3rd inning.

Brick Meathook

You’re not supposed to be there before the third inning. This is L.A. babe.

SonOfSpam

Fucking rookie.

Fronkenshteen

Nice ducat. Hope Trout does something Troutlike.

Unsurprised

I miss Spain. I should’ve been back by now multiple times. She’s not Spanish, but the dress reminds me of the flamenco dancers.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Spain is awesome

Fronkenshteen

I love that she’s looking at the phone instead of the mirror.

theeWeeBabySeamus

She’s nifty.

ThurberHerder
Unsurprised

Jeremy Piven sucks

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

But the movie doesn’t

Unsurprised

Indeed

Unsurprised

Life as a Jets fan.

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Fronkenshteen

Sadly, no. Our nuts were ripped completely off by A.J. Duhe and Herm Edwards some time ago.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m about to watch a documentary about the “dwarf planets”.

I gotta tell you, a planet filled with dwarves scares me a little.

scotchnaut

Hah! I’m guessing that the property values of segmented acres of land scare you a lot!

/two can play this game
//actually no, because I’m headed to bed

scotchnaut

69nth comment. If only there was some sort of comment to be made about this…

SonOfSpam

Nice.

That’s the city in France I was trying to think of.

scotchnaut

“Bastard!”

SonOfSpam

You know what’s great about beer?

It’s going in me right now. Orally.

Wait, that doesn’t sound right.

I mean, I’m putting my mouth on something cylindrical and swallowing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ahem….
/decides not to comment.

rockingdog

found a funny:
[looking at single breast]
wow that looks great I wish there were two of them
[looks right next to it]
holy sh

Sharkbait

Just got a call from our tenants on the Cape. They had power restored for a few hours today, until one of the new neighbors on our street went a little too fast in his car, lost control, hit a pole and took lines down again. Apparently other neighbors were tearing him a new asshole for knocking power out again

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean if they were literally doing that I would have to recuse myself from serving on the jury at the eventual trial.

Unsurprised

Lie and then go for jury nullification

SonOfSpam

TWICE THE POOPING POWER!!!

scotchnaut

“Feeling a little bit neglected these past few days.”

-Old Asshole, talking to his therapist

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Serves them right. No one told him yaw cahn’t get theyah from heah.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This woman has the mysterious power to cloud men’s minds

theeWeeBabySeamus

Too bad she doesn’t have the power to fall off a cliff.

scotchnaut

I’m stuck in a Don T joke loop. If you can, please don’t +1 this post. I beg of you. I want to see my wife and children again. OK, not so much the wife, but maybe, sorta the kid. I mean, kids. This loop really sucks.

scotchnaut

For the love of god! I begged you to not +1 the above post and you went ahead and did it. I’m warning you-DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PLUS ONE THIS POST! I’M SERIOUS!

Brick Meathook

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scotchnaut

Okay, there are 2 really fucking stupid commenters out there. Was I not clear? JESUS CHRIST! This isn’t science, fuckos.

edit: 3 really stupid commenters
edit: 4 really stupid commenters

King Hippo

Seriously, WCS ain’t gonna have time for my bullshit today. This is fugly.

scotchnaut

“Don T-tilting at windmills? Is this an economically-sound energy policy in the 21st century?”

-Don Q

King Hippo

methinks I had to read that book in high school, but I will be damned if I remember anything else of it

Unsurprised

Olde Englyshe is worse than Medieval Spanish.

King Hippo

#BFIB 13, Dirt Stillers 4. Birds still hitting in top of the 4th

scotchnaut

“Don T, as the new governator of that thing that went viral yesterday, what three ice cream flavors influence your position on, I don’t know, umm… boats?”

-Buzzfeed reporter scotchnaut

herodotus450

Heh, Buzznaut.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Neopolitan, baby.

(hehehehe)

scotchnaut

“Don T, as the new govner of Port of Rico, have you raked the entire forest yet? Some people are wondering why you haven’t. Your repose?”

-Fox News reporter scotchnaut

LemonJello

“A lollipop queso to Mr. Couchsnout’s. Purple monkey dishwasher?”
-T. Green

Unsurprised

Still a better press secretary than Sarah Sanders

Ian Scott McCormick

I’m watching Tombstone with my daughter, so that she grows up associating The Cowboys with assholes.
It’s probably not necessary, but you can never be too safe.

herodotus450

Could just have her watch any Cowboys game, ever, and have the same effect, no?

scotchnaut

This could go sideways. If she ever says, “Well, Bye”, watch your back.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or if she starts wearing a red sash.

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

You could get the same result from Brokeback Mountain. I mean, kind of.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Patriots fans do the same thing with The BFG.

scotchnaut

“Don T, as the new bossguy of Puerto Rice-o, what stratgaries will you debark in order to make ‘doorfliesopen’ a Top 100 most-visitied site on the internet? I flagelatte your answer.”

-Cub Reporter scotchnaut

King Hippo

and to whom will he delegate pulling the tarp over the island for hurricanes??

herodotus450

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LemonJello

Vince Coleman finds this to be in poor taste.

herodotus450

“Mr Don T, I know you decreed that your title is now ‘Generalissimo,’ but that’s really long and hard to type, can I shorten it to ‘Assmo’?”

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, you said “long and hard”.

Unsurprised

Was he possessed by the spirit of a drunken Harry Carey?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/puerto-rico-legislature-begin-impeachment-process-against-gov-ricardo-rossell-n1034046

“Five offenses that constitute grounds for impeachment”? Hey! Stop stealing Nancy Pelosi’s thunder!

King Hippo

hey WCS, which position players gon’ pitch?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I pitched ‘doggystyle’.” – noted deal closer Justin Verlander

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

INT. HOTTEST PART OF THE DAY OF THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQUIRE: [turns on the oven to do some baking]

scotchnaut

So weird. Shouldn’t she be cleaning right now?

/#messeduppriorities

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I shit you not, she steamed the floors today. The housekeeper was here less than 24 hours ago.

scotchnaut

Somebody needs a new hobby. Maybe polishing your brass knob on a daily basis?

/just tossing it out there

LemonJello

just tossing it out there

“Watch where you do that. Trust me.”
-Kellen Winslow Jr.

King Hippo

#BFIB loving this trip to Yinzburgh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He apparently tested positive for Ostarine

Somewhere in the kitchen of a Park Slope brownstone a young (at heart) man is furiously digging through a cabinet to check the ingredients of that off-brand “Ovalostarine” that his older brother sent him as a “gag gift” from his vacation to Cancun.

ballsofsteelandfury

I will never not laugh at one of RTD’s Eli or Andy Reid jokes.