We’re back! Well, 17 of 20 clubs are back but we aren’t going to talk about that.

Good morning everyone and welcome to this years EPL/European futbol preview.

Before we start the extravaganza we are doing an EPL tipping pool. Rules are just like the AFL one, if you forget to put the tip in your pick is the away team. We have over 10 already so there will be a prize at the end of it all. If Scotchy wins it will be a #69 Burnley jersey, with the namebar “Nice”, or maybe a Nice CF jersey with 69, those wacky Chinese will do anything for 13 dollars.

https://www.footytips.com.au/comps/DoorFliesOpen&p=doorfliesopen

Password is doorfliesopen

It really hasn’t seemed like much of an offseason as we’ve had the South American Euros (mediocre), African Euros (fantastique), whatever the Gold Cup is, the lady World Cup and North American domestic leagues. Was quite an action packed summer and kept Hippo alive with lots to gamble on and more obscure teams to learn about. Ask him about his favoUrite Frenche Ligue 3 team and he will come back with “Concerneau of course,  as they have a striker who is also a part time fisherman but man he fucking comes alive after the 1st half. Made me a bunch on 2nd half bets”.

The left back makes a hell of a crepe midweek.

There has been a crazy move up here in Canadia that ALL overseas footy rights are now owned by DAZN. You got teevee? No footy for you, you have to pay for the year  and you get EPL, EFL, Ligue 1, La Liga, Serie A, BeIn, Champions League, Sunday Ticket, Redzone, MLB Network, some cricket, some face punching, Moto GP, Pac 12 channel and other stuff. Truly this is all I need but for a passive fan the only thing you will get with your cable package is MLS. Will it bring more people to the pubs on Saturday mornings because they can’t sit in their Mourinho boxers and drink Nescafe at home?

Let’s begin in the Premier League shall we? (Hippo slang in brackets)

Arsenal (Arseholes, aka Gooners) – Checks notes, is Wenger still there? No? A Spanish guy? I would imagine the North Londoners think he is Turkish and despise him. In are Dani (don’t call me Cedric) Ceballos, Saliba, Martenelli which says to me is that the Gunners are up to their old tricks of reclaiming players from Europe and hope they catch fire. David Luiz crosses town and Chelsea fans left bad reviews for his restaurant following the transfer. I totally lost my train of thought so will move on. Peter Cech retired, Ramsey went to play with Ronnie at Juve and Welbeck was released.

Aston Villa – Fuck these guys. If you like John Terry, the Monarchy and the most self entitled fans in England then you can fuck off too. Players in, probably a bunch of scumbags who dive and are dirty, the type of guys who live in a council flat and spend all their money on a supped up Renault. Villa has spent a shit tonne of money this transfer window, I hope they suffer the same fate as Mighty Whitey last campaign.

Bournemouth – Yeah Right is a cherry, good enough for me. They’re a small club who consistently plays tough so you too should like them. They spent 32 million in the transfer market so they clearly want to stay up.

Brighton (Trash Birds) – The Seagulls! Great stadium.

Burnley – How the hell are they still up? Because Teh Mighty Fulham was shithouse? Oh.

Peter Crouch is listed as a retiree for them? Huh, thought he was till at Stoke.

I do enjoy their stadium though, I mention it every year that Turf Moor is a throwback and prissy primadonnas hate playing there.

Chelsea – I feel like I say this every year (I do), Stamford Bridge is not in Chelsea, it s in Fulham and they should move. I hate them and they basically don’t know Fulham FC exists so here we are.

I seem to always like Americans who play overseas, it helps grow the game and quite a few have played for Mighty Whitey in the past, Clint Dempsey is revered as a God. That being said I can’t stand for Christian Pulsilic played for these posh blue fuckwits. Of all the clubs in England he goes to these trashbags. I want them to lose every game and the locals set the stadium on fire with their incorrect banner that says they are the oldest club in London. Kovacic comes in and fat Hazard, Morata leave and I almost forgot….. FRANK LAMPARD IS THE MANAGER. Did Derby County get promoted under the wizardry of Frankie’s management? No they did not. This is just a case of Chelsea self fellating again and the fans will turn on him by Christmas.

Crystal Palace – Uncle Woy still the manager here so they still have my vote.  Zaha put in a transfer request but nothing concrete came through and so he is staying.  Hodgson told the press that is why clubs sign players to contracts, they expect them to be honoUred.

A small London club with a cool old stadium will get me every time. It is strange that I do not want a million amenities when I go to matches yet they are building these NFL style stadiums that have so many other diversions other than the match. My only wish for England is alcohol in your seats but that will never happen due to hooliganism.

Everton (Just Everton, Aren’t We??) – Hippo could not be happier with the last week-plus of transfer action.  Making good on a promise when he agreed to stay last January, Everton granted Idrissa Gana Gueye his dream move, to PSG.  Nobody was a dickhead about it (ok, the Brits would say “bellend”), and Gana remains a beloved Toffee legend.  100% my side for Champions League now.  But for the first time in EVAR, Everton completed not only the first, but also the second player(s) on my wish list.  First, exciting Juve centre forward prospect Moise Kean.  He’s a sublime finisher with a mouthwatering first touch.  The only drawbacks to the kid are apparently his “attitude” in that he was openly black (see George Carlin skit, where he acknowledged that Richard Pryor so qualified), in the still pretty fucking racist Serie A.  The Blues got his signature for a mere 30m Brexit Bucks, along with a “right of first refusal.”  Originally, Juve insisted that it must receive an express buyback clause, which is a MUCH bigger deal.  I suspect you will see Kean on Merseyside for the next 3 seasons or so, before a big money move.  Perfect complement to Dominic Calvert-Lewin, a speedster who works his socks off (but is not a natural finisher).  For the first time since Lukaku’s departure, a striker force that demands one’s attention.  At least in a good way.  Stepping into Gana’s DM/#6 role?  Mainz’ Jean-Phillipe Gbamin, a dynamo from Ivory Coast.  He’s bigger than Gana, and perhaps a bit more well-rounded (forget about finding an exact match as tackling attack dog, they don’t exist).  Gbamin also can credibly back up CB and RB, should injuries strike.  Finally, a deadline deal for attacking mid/LW hyrbid Alex Iwobi from Arsenal (around 35m).  I absolutely LOVE this deal, he’s more reasonably priced, younger, and hungrier than Zaha.  All this flexibility is essential for a squad without unlimited depth, and one looking to pick the lock on the Top Six.  I am confident they’ll make it, too – ahead of Manure and/or Chelski.  Here’s Marcel Brands, DoF, with Gbamin, upon closing an exceptionally sound 25m deal.  Some sexy fuckers, yeah?

Leicester City (Foxy Footy) – Have they sold that big headed defender yet? (Note, United did buy Macguire) Jesus they have spent 65 million on Perez and Tielemans and I have no idea who those guys are.

Liverpool – (Redshite) – I enjoy watching them. I enjoy their manager. I can’t deal with my friends who are diehard supporters after every game. They could beat Oldham 2-1 in a friendly and they behave just won the fucking league. They have brought in a couple players of no consequence so it seems like clippitty Klopp is going to give it another go with this crew. If Salah gets hurt they are screwed, if any other supporting player gets hurt I believe that they are deep enough to survive. Hippo rage.

Man City (the Gay Bar) – We said it last year, and I will say it again these dudes are likeable mercenaries. I don’t have a hate on for them compared to the other big clubs, their manager is ex-Barca, it seems they rarely sign dickheads, and they are the only one that can stop Liverpool from the title. They spent 60 mill on Rodri, and 60 mill on Joao. I have never heard of these guys but I am sure they fit the mold of beigng foreign mercenaries. Kompany left to play/manage his hometown club at Anderlecht which is a great end to his playing career.

Man United (Manure, aka University-Themed Gay Porno, aka GOD’S FAVOURITE TEAM!) – Wakey

Warning: So, there’s a very good possibility that this United preview could be very Jekyl and Hyde, or fans react reasonably, depending on how the transfer window goes.

I have begun writing this preview about a week and a half out before the transfer window closes and I must admit, depending on how the transfer window goes, will depend where United finishes. This transfer window has been an absolute shit show with United just signing Wan-Bissaka and Daniel “The Welsh Messi” James. Daniel James is so much like Messi, he can’t even break into Ole’s starting XI despite United being pretty thin everywhere. *burps*

Based on the information I have presented before me, United is going to miss out on the top 4, again. Man Shitty, Liverfailure and Hot Sperms have all but guaranteed the top 3 spots. The thing is, despite losing Hazard, Chelski is still a really good team. If Pepe turns out to be the next great player from Africa, Arsenal is going to have an insane offense. But what’s really going to kill United this season if they do not make any more additions is the fact that perceived mid-level teams have made some significant signings. Everton are swinging for the fences with signings and connecting– to the point where I think they finish 4th this year– while Leicester has made some excellent, low key signings. That doesn’t even include West Ham and Newcastle United, who both made some very good moves and should be formidable. And we can’t forget Wolves, who went on one hell of a late season run and likely would have grabbed 4th had they not run out of games. Based on what other teams have done, United is just not good enough.

As of this writing, United needs at least 2 more defenders (ideally, 3 so some combo of Smalling, Jones, and Young are stapled to the bench), at least 2 more midfielders if Poga stays (again, ideally 3, especially so Matic’s slow ass is glued to the bench) and at least 2 top quality strikers because United’s current strikers cannot be trusted–as of this writing, Lingard has yet to score or assist for United in 2019, and while injuries did play a role, Martial and Rashford were enigmatic the last 3 months of the season.

Fun fact, this is the first time in well over a decade that I paid attention to the transfer window. This will also be the last time I pay attention to the transfer window because the media is full of shit 99.9% of the time. I honestly don’t know who is on what team because so called “done deals” end up not happening at all. For instance, I just found out Neymar is still playing for PSG, not Barcelona. Reports two months ago said he was already at Camp Nou, wearing a Barce jersey, successfully passing his physical while avoiding rape charges. . .10 days later. . .

 

Newcastle United (Barcodes) – If you want a passionate fanbase that hates their owner then let me welcome you to St. James Park. In past season I have told you that Geordie women are crazy and if you ever get a chance to go to Newcastle for a weekend I suggest you take it. Geordie men bleed black and white up there and pennypinching owner Mike Ashley is hated by all, including Scottish fans as he is a part owner of Rangers. They brought in Joelinton, or is it Joe Linton from Hoffenheim and he was expensive so they got that going for them.

Norwich City (maybe Other Trash Birds?) – They came up, the wear green and yellow, nickname the Canaries. I was in Thailand 15 years ago and at a market with knockoff jerseys. This English guy who was tagging along was a Norwich fan and bet us all a night of drinking that there was no way he would find any Canaries stuff there. At the second booth the vendor said hold on a minute and ran away. English guy then said he would give the guy 20 USD if he came back with anything. Later that night we were drinking for free while jackass wore a size S kit on an L body for running his mouth. This is one of two things I think of when I think Norwich.

The second is that I was travelling through Eastern Europe with a couple from Norwich back in 2000. A group of 8 of us rented a house in Budapest and had a grand old time drinking all the Absinthe we brought in from Prague. During the day he kept pawning his girlfriend off to me saying she would love to come with me etc, this went on for a week. Well we bid our adieus and when I went to visit them at the end of this trip, she had moved out and the Australian girl we were travelling with had moved in and was pregnant. She came out from the kitchen to surprise me in a Canaries jersey.

Sheffield United FC – Remember when the Washington basketball changed their names from Bullets to Wizards due to the perception of gun crime? Well one of the biggest problems in the UK is knife crime right now and their nickname is the Blades. Problematic.  Hippo Editorial – This is the “farm in the country” where Uncle Jags wanted to go to retire.  Hippo will cover them with the appropriate amount of love and care.

I was just going to say Jagielka went there, thanks.

Southampton (oh wen teh SAINTS!  Go marching DOWN!) – Nope, I do not even think that this is a real team.

Tottenham – (#YidArmy, the EPL version of #BFIB)

Will they be as good as last year? I do not think so. At time of writing they have not stolen Sessegnon from Fulham (they did buy him, Fuck) and have not sold Eriksen.

Watford (Moose Hornets) – If you are travelling to Watford to visit “The Forties experience” as you would be upon any visit to England and there happened to be a Watford game you had better sit in the Elton John Stand. 

In my in depth research for this yearly rambling mess I found that they have only brought in 1 player who is from West Brom (Fuck them) for 5 mil. That ain’t much and a boatload of guys left Suburblondon. I was trying to look up some interesting facts about Watford for you, “In 1778, Daniel Defoe described Watford as a “Genteel market town, very long, having but one street”.” That is the gist of the wiki page.

West Ham – Ever been to their hood? It is a sociological experiment. Everyone of every coloUr has an incredibly strong English accent and then mix it in with a lack of teeth and you won’t understand a god damned thing after a couple pints. I have no time for West Ham as they left quaint Upton Park for souless Olympic Stadium. Maybe if they changed sponsorship to Ben Dover’s Olympic Stadium and had dogging on weeknights it would be more intriguing.

They spent 45 mil on something called a Sebastian Haller, he comes from Eintracht Frankfurt so we know he is efficient. He is a French guy so Hippo must know him from his days at Troyes.

Wolverhampton Wanderers – Sexy Portuguese football anyone? Two seasons ago they kicked the shit out of everyone in the Championship. Last year they beat the hell out of the bottom 14 teams, they good, they fast, they love salted cod. They now have more Portuguese players on their roster than English. In Portugal they have a report about their league, next is Wolves, then La Liga.

***

Balls’ La Liga and FC Barcelona Preview

Litre was kind enough to ask me to say a few words about my favourite (Capitalize the U next time) team and league. For that,  I am grateful and I will not mock or make fun of English football in this post.

In reality,  this is the worst possible time for me to attempt that.  Both European finals (Champions League and Europa League) were all-EPL affairs so anything I would say would instantly be discredited. You can’t argue with results.

As for La Liga and Barcelona,  this shapes up as a very interesting year.  A lot of things happened during the offseason that will shake things up this year. For one,  Antoine Griezmann moved from Atlético Madrid to Barça after having shunned them the previous season.

This did not happen without controversy as Atlético claim Barça had negotiated a deal with the player prior to his transfer fee dropping from 200 million euros to 120 and are therefore due another 80. La Liga is reviewing the claim and could potentially force Barça to pay up or return the player.

In the meantime,  Atlético want no part of Griezmann and have moved on like Tom Brady after Bridget Moynahan. And they are playing VERY well.  In a preseason match against Real Madrid,  they scored SEVEN on a full-strength side!

In fact,  Atlético are my dark horse pick for this year.  Last year was strange because of the Griezmann situation. Now that they are finally free of the drama, the team is playing looser and better.

As for Real Madrid,  I did mention that they allowed SEVEN goals (Ahahahahaha, sorry, please continue),  right? The defense is a mess.  The team has lost almost all of their preseason games. To top it off,  Zidane can’t get rid of Bale and there is a controversy over who should be the starting goalkeeper. (Enjoy this now, enjoy this now)

The Real season is going to be a year-long drama that will most likely drag the team down (Please?). Oh,  they’ll get their share of wins because they are Madrid and that talent is undeniable.  However,  they need that little extra and I just don’t see them having that. (Mi mama me hizo guapo, listo y anti-madridista)

As for Barça,  the season will be a mixed bag.  After last year’s embarrassing Champions League elimination,  Valverde’s job was in jeopardy.  He survived the sack, but is only guaranteed this year.  He,  in my estimation,  is a lame duck coach with an aging forward line and no decent backups that can score goals.

That’s not necessarily a recipe for success.

My prediction for the season is that Atlético wins the league and no Spanish team makes the European semifinals. (It is ok to be wrong)

On a bright note,  Osasuna is back in La Liga and that means there are,  once again,  five teams from the Basque Country in the top flight (Osasuna, Athletic Bilbao,  Eibar,  Real Sociedad,  and Alavés) (Fuck that, ZARAGOZA FOR LIFE)

For a 20 team league,  that’s pretty good…

***

How did our adopted team BSC Young Boys do in Switzerland? We won the whole damn thing for the second year in a row. This year we are going for a threepeat, and have a matchup against a yet to be determined team in Champions League qualifying. Right now we are top of the table again and have a matchup against St. Gallen at the AFG arena in St. Gallen.

So the schedule today is as follows

Man City at West Ham in the early one, I will be here.

The 9 AM DFO time games are;

Sheff Utd visits Bournemouth – These pts are actually important for survival. I see a draw.

Southampton visits Burnley at Turf Moor – If this game got bombed would anybody know?

Teh Hippo will be screaming at Everton who take a trip to SE London and meet Palace. Will he get banned from Everton message boards this year? Tune in to find out.

Brighton heads to Watford. This is it? This is the window? That is just brutal, I guess I will be supporting the imaginary friend and watch the Toffees as I do not have a club in the prem anymore.

The late game is villa travelling to RIP the real White Hart Lane.

As for Europe, without looking at any previews I think we can pencil PSG, Bayern Munich, Juventus, Celtic, Barcelona, to win their domestic leagues. Place a tenner on that and you get 44 dollars back so everyone thinks this as well.

This is dated but still interesting. Corruption isn’t just for FIFA. https://sabotagetimes.com/sport/10-most-corrupt-football-leagues-ever

Let me know in the comments of who you support so I can keep them for next years preview like Ballsy does for the AFL.