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Your “Maybe He’ll Wear The White Suit” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL Notes:

  • I hope his partner isn’t from Atlanta: Ray Lewis is going to be on “Dancing With The Stars”.  
    • Having braved the DWTS online store, I can assure viewers that while there is a selection of branded housewares available, no knife collections were available.
    • From Disney subsidiary ESPN comes news that others competing against Lewis on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars” include former supermodel Christie Brinkley, actor James Van Der Beek (of “Dawson’s Creek” fame) and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer.
  • The Miami Dolphins will honor legend Nick Buoniconti during the 2019 season with a special decal on their helmets.

  • “Nab” is also what ICE hopes to do to anyone illegal trying to go watch a Dolphins game.

Finally, you will be pleased to know that the XFL released their team names & logos today:

  • It’s nice to see Internet Dad gets another “professional” “football” team.

  • There is an attempt to have backstories for each team name, lovingly mocked by the folks over at SBNation.
  • Never forget that the 2001-version of the XFL consisted of the Birmingham Thunderbolts, Chicago Enforcers, New York/New Jersey Hitmen, Orlando Rage, Las Vegas Outlaws, Los Angeles Xtreme, Memphis Maniax, and San Francisco Demons.
    • XFL commissioner Oliver Luck (Hodor’s Dad) announced last fall, however, that the new XFL had no plans to resurrect its’ original team names and identities.
  • Oh, and for those who get the reference,

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Cleveland at NY Mets – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • Yankees at Athletics – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN
    • Jays at Dodgers – 10:00PM | Sportsnet
  • Little League World Series:
    • West vs. Southeast – 7:30PM | ESPN, ESPN2
  • MLS:
    • NYCFC vs. Columbus – 7:00PM | TSN2

That’s it for me. There’s preseason games on every night starting tomorrow, so c’mon by for the live blogs, and I’ll see you next Monday for the start of the Week-4 madness.

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Unsurprised

So, yeah, I need to stick with Trader Joe’s extra sharp cheddar because I’ve been loyal to Tillamook since I moved here but that is dogshit compared to TJ’s.

1
yeah right

Dude, try some aged English cheddar.

Life changing.

2
Col. Duke LaCross

Just bought tickets for Week 2’s Bears V Donks tilt. The only Bears games I’ve attended were both in Phoenix so the crowd was 90% Bears fans. This’ll be my first go-around in enemy territory.

I also shelled out for club seats for myself and the local gal I’m going to visit for the first time. I must really like this one. But even if things start going south, at least there’s a full bar.

6
Unsurprised

Did you go when they played at Sun Devil Stadium?

If so, how bad was your sunburn?

0
Col. Duke LaCross

Naw, both were in Glendale. Back in 2012, after my little brother and I had walked into the stadium some drunk guy dove through the back window of his car trying to catch a pass during a tailgate. I’ve never seen him angrier in his life than when I asked the witness of the dude caught the ball. He almost made me walk back to town.

3
Unsurprised

That does make me have to give it to SDS for one thing: at least there’s shit to do within walking distance.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

Baboons are mean.
I gotta stop watching Discovery Channel.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Still so gassy

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

I coulda gone all night without knowing that.
Thanks.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Welp, it’s almost midnight (sort of). Time to cook dinner?
Meh, fuck that. I’m hitting the drive thru.

Back in a bit.

(if they’re closed Imma be really pissed)
((and hungry))

1
Doktor Zymm

Plan: sell half my shit, get a gubbmint job, move to 16th street heights, a row house with a porch. Spend my evenings in a rocking chair on that porch, drinking beer and throwing the cans at local youth. Continue until local youth shoot me.

8
theeWeeBabySeamus

Use bottles. They hurt more.

2
Doktor Zymm

Easier to throw accurately too, get some spin on there. Good call!

3
theeWeeBabySeamus

Cans are not very aerodynamic.

2
Doktor Zymm

Truth

2
yeah right

If there’s a bit more fluid left in the bottom you can increase your exit velocity, flight distance by 10-15%

That’s good aerodynamics!

Plus you get that distinct “whoop-whoop-whoop” sound while it’s flying.

Scares the shit out of the locals.

6
Unsurprised

They are if you crush them first, but then you don’t get quite the satisfaction at a relatively heavy piece of glass hopefully braining some dumb fuck (and if you’re really lucky, breaking).

1
Unsurprised

My father could reliably crush cans against his head. I’ve only seen videos of people hurting themselves but not using empty cans or tearing their hands or foreheads up, but he never did.

What a legacy.

1
theeWeeBabySeamus

You ever been hit with a beer bottle?

0
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Thrown, smacked or used as a makeshift bong?”

–R. Leaf

5
theeWeeBabySeamus

I was thinking more….. bar fight in a biker bar.
Not that I’d know anything about that.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

But I am interested in your bong idea.

0
yeah right

Had a dipshit former roommate back in the early 80’s that was pissed that we got home from the bar early interrupting his first (and probably last) chance at a female encounter.

He hit another roommate in the head with a bottle from across the room causing 16 stitches in the head and an immediate boot to the curb.

3
Doktor Zymm

Damn, Cool “Disco” Dan died last year from diabetes complications
Sad for the real DC

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m reading that the shit-for-brains in chief’s strategy for winning the trade war is to trick the Chinese into thinking he’s their old friend Liu Kang, aka “the chosen one”?

2
Horatio Cornblower

Isn’t that a Mortal Kombat character?

2
yeah right

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Unsurprised

There is a legit and possibly winning plan, but it relies on (1) being honest with the public and (2) having allies that don’t hate our fucking guts and whom we aren’t also in a trade war with.

1
Doktor Zymm

I love going to football games live, and I already have tickets for my third Raiders game, despite them moving to LV, but I’m having tons of trouble becoming enthusiastic about going to a Niners game. I think I would dig it more if they were honest and rebranded to the San Jose Niners. Lots of teams don’t play in the city they’re branded as, but most don’t play in a city that legit have their own major league teams, even if it is just hockey

0
Doktor Zymm

Sharks games are pretty damn fun btw, especially if you go with Canadian transplants!

1
Unsurprised

That reminds me, has anyone heard from Covalent Blonde?

0
King Hippo

and a Jim Tomsula hobo chili booth

3
Doktor Zymm

Super fun fact, Tomsula is probably the biggest thing the Redacteds have going for them right now!

3
King Hippo

one can NEVAR have too much Tomsula

1
Doktor Zymm

Somewhere there’s a guy named Tom Sula who feels fantastic right now, for no apparent reason. He’s basking in the halo

1
Unsurprised

Ladies Love Cool Jim (Tomsula)

0
WCS

He does know how to barter with Tommy Red Line, who lives under the Red Line of the DC Metro.

2
Doktor Zymm

I give 0.3 ± 0.05 shits unless he knows cool “disco” dan
https://dcist.com/story/18/07/27/dc-council-exhibit-cool-disco-dan/

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, but ol’ Skunk Pelt Steve can negotiate a similar deal with a lower finder’s fee, assuming you got yourself some roadkill to hand over.

3
yeah right

You get yourself a railroad tie and a heat source?

I chose this life on purpose!

1
Dunstan

Wait, James Van Der Beek was already on Dancing With the Stars!

Oh, shit, I’m confusing reality with Don’t Trust the Bitch in Apt. 23 again.

4
Unsurprised

Which was on like a decade ago, which sucks because it was funny but also shows how long this shitshow of a dancing competition has been around and why it’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

@Game Time Decision….you still around?

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, I guess I gotta go in the back room and find your email then. Sheesh, this is too much like work.

0
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

no, please leave your name, number and a brief message and I’ll get back to you shortly.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Sounds like every woman I’ve dated recently.

0
King Hippo

I really need the Dirt Tomsulas to keep this up. #BFIB ain’t gonna win this’un

0
Doktor Zymm

I think it would actually be an advantage if I were more of an asshole at work. Any tips on finding a coke dealer in the Bay area?

1
...

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I miss that show so much.

3
Unsurprised

Isn’t that why Craiglist was invented? Oh, wait. I mean eBay.

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

The Baltimore Orioles now have a two game winning streak. They even won by seven runs tonight by a score of 8-1.
Thank goodness for Detroit and Kansas City.

And so much for that top draft position I guess.

Crap.

0
Doktor Zymm

At least Camden Yards is still a decent ballpark?

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

In June, it was very, very empty and quiet. I’m presuming that has only gotten worse.

0
Doktor Zymm

But hey, no line for nachos or the pisser!

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

there are lots of #BFIB to fill the seats, but I guess that’s only once per 8 years

0
Horatio Cornblower

Julie Foudy is talking about getting laid at the Little League World Series and this is stunningly inappr…

Oh. “Lei’d”

Carry on.

5
Doktor Zymm

Williamsport! Not so fun fact: the Little League World Series is why my family had to pay a ton per night for a hotel during my grandmother’s funeral. Also why we got to eat sandwiches at a communal table with 30 teens while in mourning

2
theeWeeBabySeamus

I have a very insensitive comment which I will not say.

0
SonOfSpam

Was it about the Japanese players running a high-speed train?

10
theeWeeBabySeamus

I will neither confirm nor deny.
But yours is better and more insensitive.

LMFAO

3
Unsurprised

Go on.

0
SonOfSpam

“…and a thirty year old Danny Almonte became my first boyfriend”

4
blaxabbath

I mean — this is like being a a head coach and being told your team has decided to use #1 to draft Jamarcus Russell.
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King Hippo

#BFIB back to within 5-3, tying run on 2nd!!

0
...

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SonOfSpam

BQBY sounds like a Utah name.

8
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or a restaurant frequented by the cannibal version of Andy Reid.

4
blaxabbath

If the average American eats 3.4 mice per year, ain’t no way Andy hasn’t consumed a pre-teen.

3
Brick Meathook

? You and Me and Baby Minus Me Makes Two?

2
Col. Duke LaCross

Can confirm!

0
scotchnaut

“This thingy is way big.”

-Brickmeatismurder

2
Horatio Cornblower

comment image?itemid=5379267

2
herodotus450

Morriage? Isn’t that what caused the 2008 recession?

3
King Hippo

reminds me of the Ron Paul “Love Revolution” signs

0
blaxabbath

So we’re kind of doing a Vegas theme for our guest room; nothing too kitschy — just a little kitschy. Got a clock with dice for numbers and will probably get one of those vintage “Visit Vegas” posters.

Anyways — and don’t you all go looking up my real identity with this information — my parents actually met here and I was born here. So I found an old photo of the place my mom used to work at and got that framed in there as a little easter egg for when she stays. My dad, while he was here, had worked on the construction of the Las Vegas Hilton. So I was looking to do the same thing but that is just the absolutely least photogenic building on the strip. So I guess my point is — any photoshop tips for this kind of a bland ass structure?

2
King Hippo

You are doing a nice, subtle job of setting things up for a courtesan/three-way

2
SonOfSpam

“…any photoshop tips for this kind of a bland ass structure?”

Kim Kardashian’s first trip to the plastic surgeon was not as ambitious as her subsequent visits.

4
blaxabbath

Well, to her surgeons credit, she exists today. I’m trying to work with grainy ass old pics of a boring white building.

0
Brick Meathook

How’s about this guy inside the closet door? They stuck an icepick in his balls before his eyeball popped out even though he was just protecting that piece of shit Charlie M.

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1
Unsurprised

CHARLIE M!?! YOU MAKE ME POP YOUR FUCKING EYE OUT OF YOUR HEAD TO PROTECT THAT PIECE OF SHIT!?!

0
Unsurprised

I know I’m repeating Brick’s joke, but for real, fuck that guy. Charlie M.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Have you considered adding udders?

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, the Las Vegas Hilton is OFF the Strip. And, if I remember correctly, it’s gone through a remodel. The old building your dad worked on was a classic. It was featured in Diamonds Are Forever.

I suggest finding pictures of Old Vegas at The Library.

The Library, of course, being a Vegas stripclub.

5
blaxabbath

After only finding it to make an appearance in Burfict Strangers, I have since driven past the library. It is in a bad spot and is closed down.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m surprised The Library lasted that long.

1
SonOfSpam

Yeah, it’s now the SLS, but the original Hilton was kinda iconic.

1
blaxabbath

The one I’m working on is now the Westgate.

0
herodotus450

what about a piece of the union leaders who “took a swim” in the cement foundation of the Hilton?

2
Unsurprised

We may want to consult with Blaxx, but that seems structurally unwise as it may ultimately compromise the integrity of the foundation.

0
scotchnaut

we’re kinda doing blah, blah blah, whatever

You mis-typed ‘the wife has decided something and I’m pretending that I had an opinion that she listened to/cared about’.

9
King Hippo

It would make work much more satisfying if I could denounce annoying co-workers as Trotskyites.

3
...

“Good news, everyone! We’re going on a team building trip to Mexico! Bring your climbing gear!”

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I get this! I really do!

2
Unsurprised

So did Trotsky.

0
scotchnaut

“Hey, just call them Trotskyites and I’ll do the rest.”

-Ramon Mercader

3
Unsurprised

You could just do it anyway. Or call them Maoists if you want to really get into some scorched-earth brawling.

2
Gratliff

Well, this is fucking insane. WARNING: bit gory
https://imgur.com/gallery/iYI72X2?fbclid=IwAR3WELbzjYIy9gRZY5q3cIGHMxmEm18KX4ZG9W9nko-w3UxZETeG2Tb8HGQ

0
SonOfSpam

“Didn’t see nothin’.”

– R. Lewis

7
Gratliff

That’s gotta be a 1 in a billion shot.

2
Unsurprised

It’s weird that my first reaction was “Lucky fuck” since, one would presume, the real “lucky fuck” wouldn’t have gotten stabbed in the back.

0
...

There are about a million conservative gun girls but why no conservative feet girls? Everyone is bearing arms, it’s time to bear some feet.

4
LemonJello

Rex Ryan is intrigued by your views and would like to subscribe to your podcast.

5
SonOfSpam

Oscar Pistorius has strong opinions about everything in your comment.

What I’m saying is, stay out of the bathroom.

9
Unsurprised

There aren’t? That seems like a niche that should’ve been filled a long time ago.

0
...

Thinking about posting here the most insane thing I read today. Not sure y’all can handle it though.

1
...

Read time is 22 minutes but it just might feel like 22 years

https://medium.com/@penelope.gristelfink/letter-to-the-editor-of-the-atlantic-jeffrey-goldberg-ceab6adb07ea

0
King Hippo

uhhhh, I couldn’t finish. WOW.

1
...

It’s as the kids say, a lot to unpack.

2
King Hippo

Like eating a molasses sandwich. While standing on one’s head.

4
SonOfSpam

THAT’S MY EXACT FETISH.

3
Dunstan

She’s obviously been through some tough times, and I don’t want to be unsympathetic. (Although her insistence on explaining how she’s not one of THOSE #metoo people frees up my conscience a bit on that score.)

Let’s just say that I’m not surprised that The Atlantic turned down whatever piece she submitted last year. I don’t think an entire battalion of editors could turn this into something coherent. This is like five different articles smushed into one: a “Kevin Williamson is a misogynist” piece; a “Trump sucks but people in Trump Country deserve our sympathy” argument; yet another “#metoo has done some good things but maybe has gone too far” piece; a lengthy personal memoir; and some sophomoric “here’s why every political ideology except mine sucks” brain fart.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m impressed you were able to condense that into such a succinct summary.

0
SonOfSpam

She’s a special kind of crazy, but I believe she went through everything she wrote about. Her ex is obviously the worst and should be drawn and quartered. She should be in therapy for about 57 years. I guess that’s about it.

4
...

Oh, I believe she’s being 100% honest too

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Um…wow.

1
Unsurprised

Well, strike one is seeing who it’s addressed to in the URL

Dear Jeffrey Goldberg,

Thank you for firing my ex-husband Kevin D. Williamson.

Oh, shit. This could be the funniest or saddest letter ever.

More importantly, how could anyone marry that piece of shit in the first place? It will never cease to amaze me how all of these conservative scumbags are married. If I ever bothered to be social I now realize that if these ghouls and congealed slime creatures can mate that all of my self-doubt and hangups and self-sabotage were completely insane. (I already know this, but I can’t change the past and anymore I don’t socialize with any woman within 25 years of my age).

1
Gratliff

The nearest popeye’s is 30 minutes away and all anyone’s talking about is this fucking sandwich. Fuckers gonna make me put on my shoes at 9:30 pm.

3
SonOfSpam

BUT THE PANTS STAY OFF DAMMIT

4
Doktor Zymm

No shirt, no shoes? No, SERVICE!

1
...

I’m a 15 minute walk from one and it’s right next to a bar I like so I’ll take the plunge sometime soon. I have to get there before they lock the lobby so the employees can do drugs in back though.

1
Unsurprised

Make it a DFO special sammich (i.e., have them sprinkle some weed on it).

0
Unsurprised

Same. What’s worse is that I’d rather take the 45 minute train to Costco and walk 15 minutes north to get one this weekend than to take the train and/or bus to MLK Avenue (which is still 30 minutes away)

0
Doktor Zymm

Trying to convince my team we should do fantasy sports on facebook. Mostly because work blows and that would be actually fun to work on. It won’t actually happen, or if it does they’ll spin off another team to work on it and I’ll be stuck doing more dumb shit. I should just start drinking at work

5
Doktor Zymm

On the plus side, horseback is awesome, i’m all set up to be SCUBA certified, and I’m retaking the motorcycle class to learn the weird CA laws

3
SonOfSpam

SCUBA has to be really rough on the horse, but your life is interesting.

6
Doktor Zymm

You just got to get a specially shaped regulator, and the fins don’t stay on very well, but otherwise it’s all good

2
Unsurprised

It seems like suction cups would work. Or good old-fashion garters.

0
Dunstan

And hey, how else you gonna play water polo?

2
King Hippo

#VodkaDontSmell

2
Doktor Zymm

I should drink in the mornings, nap in conference rooms in the afternoon, then go do awesome non-work things in the evening, refreshed after a day of drinking and napping!

2
LemonJello

#DokLife

4
Unsurprised

That’s a hell of a plan.

0
Gratliff

Just blatant lies

0
Unsurprised

Given how much information Facebook collects, you all could probably predict winners better than anyone or thing else in the universe. Belichik aside, you can probably figure out what most of the teams do before the head coaches do.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Finally starting to think about fantasy. Do we think Bell is worth a 2nd rounder as a keeper? Right now leaning Bell, Davante Adams, Kelce, and DJ Moore, but we’d be leaving a lot on the table there, including Jordan Howard or Dak Prescott for a mid round pick.

0
King Hippo

I’d rather mid-round DAK! Do nae trust the Jest offense

1
King Hippo

also not super-sold on Moore, but the price is probably right

1
King Hippo

and I was gonna say, the three mid-level QBs I am targeting are (i) DAK!; (ii) Truth Biscuit; and (iii) Janeane Garofolo (yes, even after Monday night). Just have to get TWO startables if go that route.

0
SonOfSpam

Mariah Carey’s best song?

1
rockingdog

found a funny:
Go go gadget adult friendship

3
King Hippo

you know, I probably would have savoured my college/grad school friendships, had I known then that was gonna be it forever

2
Unsurprised

God, I wish.

0
rockingdog

Im gonna say this as a reach out my hand to introduce myself to new people!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is there a team out there named the Kraken? Why the fuck not? Leviathan would be cool too.

1
King Hippo

the loser of my Pro Bowl replacement “Loser Bowl” game should have to go by “Genital Warts” the next season

1
Unsurprised

Exactly. The memes were already long ago ground into dust for krakens. Even the second time when some booze came out with the name. But it is a catchy, somewhat innuendo meme.

Point being: Team and league owners are grandiose but immensely uncreative and simpleminded assholes.

0
SonOfSpam

Kentucky Killer Kraken

Katch the Kfever!

2
...

Some people have kicked around the name for Seattle’s NHL team but I don’t think it’ll be a serious candidate.

1
Unsurprised

Seattleites seem intent on driving that Wizard of Oz imagery into the ground, so they’ll probably end up being the Flying Monkeys or some shit.

0
Gratliff

I have so many shows to get caught up on. Time to rewatch Sealab.

1
LemonJello

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1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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5
King Hippo

August is just the suckiest of months

2
King Hippo

I gambled very badly, and #BFIB are down 4-nil in the first. Today…was not a good day.

0
litre_cola

Hippo bets on Mighty Whitey in Prem. Mighty Whitey lose all the time.
Hippo no bet on Mighty Whitey, then win 3 in a row.

1
King Hippo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh8zcbC_Dcw

1
King Hippo

/yes, I also bet y’all Week 1 this season

0
Brick Meathook

I never realized that the lead singer of Social Distortion was such a drag queen.

3
SonOfSpam

Comment deleted for stupidness.

2
scotchnaut

NPR did a funny. When I finally slog thru this Stalin bio I’ll be reading a few of these. *

* obligatory “No Jerry Van Amerongen! This list is Dyson.”

https://www.npr.org/2019/08/20/752044550/we-did-it-for-the-lols-100-favorite-funny-books

2
King Hippo

stop yer stallin’ eh?

1
scotchnaut

Stalin signing off on the murder/kidnapping/torture of the wives of his closest advisers? Holy fuckballs.

2
King Hippo

Dude didn’t fuck around

0
scotchnaut

According to the book I’m reading, of the many fellas that directly challenged Stalin in meetings of any kind, only 2 survived.*

*The rest were Trotskyites, of course

4
King Hippo

well, OBVS!!

0
Unsurprised

Who were they? I assume Khruschev was not one.

0
King Hippo

I can’t recall exactly who, but one of his close advisers (maybe Beria?) had a Jewish wife that was in the Gulag for like 10 years.

Stayed as an adviser, both husband and wife remained ardent Stalin supporters.

The man knew how to be a dictator, fo sho.

1
Unsurprised

Molotov’s wife was arrested in 1948 and imprisoned from 1949 until Stalin’s death.

Anyway, this is something I want to look into now.

0
scotchnaut

One fella was Vorolishvov? He was demoted after telling Stalin that he (Stalin) was to blame for the loss vs. the Finns because he had murdered most of the top brass of the Red Army.

1
LemonJello

Maybe you are to be Trotsky-ing to the scotchnaut-cave now, da?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s a pretty good list.

0
Unsurprised

The Sellout is hilarious.

0
SonOfSpam

Nice of the Dolphins to honor Buoniconti by featuring the abbreviation for “Non-functioning Atrophied Brain” on their helmets.

4
Brick Meathook

XFL ! ! !

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5
herodotus450

To appeal to a larger sjw audience the new XFL will have “He/She/It Disagrees Congenially With Him/Her/They”

2
litre_cola

Oh someone will have a hashtag for sure. #metoo

1
King Hippo

but likely MOAR #ProudBoiz in nature

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