There’s a Sirius XM station that is completely dedicated to fantasy but there are no women on it (that I have heard). So you know what that means-men screeching at the top of their lungs about how much they love those big and fast Men In Pads. I’ll do my usual ticking off of the tilts on offer tonight and tell you what I’ve gleaned by listening to these fellas that like to holler. TO THE GAMES!
Hou/Dal:
No one likes Lamar Miller and everyone was disappointed on the news that D’Onta Foreman was IR’ed. Everyone lines up on the side of management with respect to the Zeke Elliot Debacle. One guy called the whole situation, and I quote, “uppity”. Wow. Oh, btw, they will all be taking him third or fourth if they have the opportunity.
Chi/Ind:
The 5’6″, 180 pound Tarik Cohen is getting no love at all except as a PPR play. Mike Davis, who has 37 pounds on Tarik isn’t liked by anyone either. All the love is centered on rook David Montgomery.
N.O/NYJ:
Kamara is the consensus #2 behind Saquon. No one expects Latavius Murray to fill the stat sheet the way Ingram did last year but the talkers lament the fact that they have to grab Murray later because he’s the handcuff. The collective wisdom states that Jared Cook will go on a tear like Jimmy Graham did way long ago.
S.F./K.C.:
If Jimmy G doesn’t show out tonight he’ll fall even further down the rankings. (is there that much more to go?) That tidbit of him throwing 5 straight picks in practice has gained a lot of traction. Also, the bloom is off the rose as far as Damien Williams is concerned. Many are stating that he’s over-ranked.
Broncs/Rams:
Courtland Sutton is getting all the love-the logic being that he’ll take the second-year jump with the help of a competent qb. I didn’t hear a single Jake Butt joke.
Sea/LAC:
Chris Carson is gaining traction after an initial crush on Rashaad Penney slowly dissipated. Hunter Henry is set to go second among the second tier of te’s, right after Evan Engram.
Aside from this stuff there’s some baseball and a college football game! Entertain yourselves as you see fit, as usual. And if there are any reprobates from last year skulking about, give us a little hello to let us know you’re back on board when the games get all ‘real’ and stuff.
I feel shitty that I’m enjoying this retirement this much. God do I hate the fat humps
My lovely lady lumps?
Whoa, sea cucumbers are SUPER WEIRD LOOKING and should maybe be called sea cauliflower instead?
OH GOD HE’S RIGHT BEHIND ME ISN’T HE!?!?
Make sure to record some video of this encounter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApFB-GylZNQ
Sneaky Owls are worstest owls.
Evening, Lizard People.
It’s been a long enough day that I’ve just started drinking, and I intend to keep at it until picking a fight with the Barred Owl hooting outside my house seems like a good idea.
We’re here for you. And we support your mission.
I’m right there with you. But my foe is a possum which got in the garage. Or an opussum.
Fuck!!! Which one is right?
Our resident vet is the best.
I might already be a little drunk.
And the possum isn’t doing much better.
/grabs broom and shotgun
Whichever, they’re awesome! Possum RULE!
Have you tried opening the garage door?
That made me laugh.
Little fucker is under my toolbox. Won’t leave voluntarily.
Can’t say I blame him/her. It’s raining.
I’m a fish person now, or at least one of those amphibious lizard people
That Owl will fuck you up.
Oh, absolutely. In fact Hippo already got $50 in at 3-1 on the owl.
chuh chuh
Jesus Christ, Moose, I’d rather read ‘It’ by a dying flashlight in the middle of the woods than see that.
Sweet dreams….
I want to be happy for the ‘Bows, but their QB is a white guy with dreadlocks.
Are they planning on reviving the Dating Game on teevee? I want to go on just so I can say “This is a question for Bachelor #2. Do you consider yourself more like a cuttlefish, or more like an octopus?”
You’ll get nothing but “8 inches” allusions
It’s a great question because there are tons of opportunities for innuendo, but also many opportunities to be super nerdy about marine life! I would be 100% entertained if someone came back with an answer about hanging out in crevasses
‘I’m more like a giant squid, in that I’m rarely seen, and when I do show up I’m awfully clingy and prone to scavenging.”
“How big are your posterior fins?”
If they bring it back, Norm Macdonald can bring back this brilliant bit:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyzYhSNNr5Y
Got Milk?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXI21S4ZWJU
For a long time I’ve tried to change my avatar picture on this site. It never works. I like Bill the Cat but sometimes you need to change and evolve and grow older and closer to the best coffin your estate can provide.
For years this image of The Mouse punching out his eyeballs has been my desired change:
But now I want to be this:
The two different-sized eyeballs are fantastic. I wish I could draw like this.
I’ve had the same problem for a few years now. Nobody seems to know why and nothing seems to work.
Do you think Andy Reid has an instinctive fear of polar bears?
No more than walls fear him
So, there’s no way I’m going to be an experienced enough diver to dive in Greenland when I visit next May, but that’s okay, excuse to go back 😛
Wait til we own it. Should be before the end of the year.
It’s all going to end in tears and tarriffs
Just like a late night visit to Ivanka’s room.
Holy fuck!
What’s the appropriate response when your oldest friend just announced she’s switched her allegiance to Pats? I feel like I should point out that if you’re going to stop being a Redacteds fan because racism, you aren’t going all that far switching to the Whitey team
that’s MOAR like doubling down, really
Murder. At the very least, maiming.
this has to be Buddy, right??
I’m pretty sure it actually is.
It’s a great account, whoever it is.
I want to work for a team called the Orcas, and I want to set up elaborate taunts of rival teams that involve extended herring ball metaphors
Why, YES, I should absolutely watch the nature special about the ocean after doing all my pool dives! I love Lycra btw, Lycra skin suit means you can pop a wet suit on and off like normal clothes, it’s freaking amazing.
Gee, 6-3 late in the 3rd. Glad I set the DVR to record the middle of night Donks/RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! replay.
/but seriously, I’m geeked to see this defense in regular season action. LOVE defensive FITBAW
ALL of their inside LBs are injured.
as if the TE “list of the ded” weren’t long enough. Good thing the OLB are very, very, very good.
Butt’s Back.
yeah, we’ll see if he can still walk tomorrow
OK, calm down…..
I dont think Arizona knows the game started yet.
Daylight Savings Time strikes again!
wonder if Blaxito has his first BEAR DOWN onesie yet?
Unfortunately, when Blax told the store “Yeah, I want a onesie bear outfit” they sent him some leather and a ballgag. Still put it on the kid, of course. Ain’t gonna waste $49.99 plus shipping.
hey, whatever keeps ’em quiet
Adelaide Crows v Western Bulldogs in 10 minutes!!
(ya think anyone took Adelaide? We’ve all thought alike this week)
Touchdown, Gay-Ass Rainbow Warriors!
the hilarious thing is they officially DROPPED the Rainbow part in the 80s, because the coaches said the “gay connotation” hurt it for recruiting. Then like 5-10 years ago, they brought it back because it’s unique and cool.
/but still kinda gay
Yep, a lot of “no homo” issues back then. Hey, I was as guilty as anyone til I realized moar chicks for me (hypothetically anyway).
The Pac 12 is going to suck again, isn’t it?
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
oh yeah. Which SUCKS b/c we need Troi Boiz to at least beat Notre Dame.
Hate to be optimistic, but I think the Pac-12 will have 4-5 really-good-but-not-playoff teams. Oregon, Washington, Utah, Stanford, and maybe Wazzu will be tough. I just hope, as always, for a good UCLA season and a terrible USC season.
CBS ticker says retired due to “mental fatigue” – not that this guy has had catastrophic injuries to 5-6 body parts as a pro, and now has a leg owie they can’t even figure out what’s causing it.
It’ll be amazing when he sees a real doctor and is fixed in 2 months.
Was Andrew Luck hurt this preseason or did he just decide in Preseason Week 3 to call it a career?
He had a nagging calf issue that lingered through training camp.
Shouldn’t he have weaned that thing by now
He’s just tired of having to talk to Peter King.
This has ruined many a promising football career.
Ruined many a meal for me as well.
Luck has a bright future in the XFL, since his dad is the commissioner.
Switching over to CBS Sports Network for Arizona-Hawaii from Aloha Motherfuckin Stadium.
Mahalo, football gods.
Genuinely bummed about Luck. Who the fuck do I root for now?
Brisket?
Heat death of the universe?
Eat Arbys.
That’s about even; you have to pick one.
Charles Koch to die
I hope they all suck Kochs in hell.
I am too; he’s a good player. Also hate that there is even less of a chance for Brady defeats.
yeah, with the 500s tissue paper OL, and inevitable regression by Kermit, it’s hard to see how anyone in the AFC can beat them in January. Maybe #ThePauls?
True, he most likely wouldn’t have made it through the year.
xtra #BFIB energy!!
Is this the first time this guy has handled a football?
Refs: “After futher discussion, we’re not going to bail Miami out.”
Glad that happened. For such a sloppy game, the refs have done a good job.
HAIL BLEERGH
BLEERGH IS DISPLEASED
BLEERGH has had enough offerings this night
Why did I watch several EAS Youtube videos about Tornados, Meteor Crashes, Zombie Outbreaks BEFORE I go to bed?
go to BED? Rainbows v. Bear Down FOAR Midterms are on CBSSN!
I usually get sleepy masturbating to that stuff too.
PANICS IN SPANISH!
Safe to say, whoever wins this game absolutely does not deserve it.
Fitting for the setting, because Florida does not deserve to be a state.
Just usher them to the end zone already.
I hope everyone realizes that the “moderator” is a bot and not a real life person reading every comment.
I mean, we don’t have lives, but we’re not that bad…
You liar. No one has a life here.
I pay rent in my Mom’s basement!
Weird thing is she moved out years ago.
So what’s your saying is Skynet is now active and the Machines are taking over?
/crosses fingers for a giant buff naked man to appear out of nowhere
That’s your Stand By Comment for everything!
Especially Saturday night.
Yes. And they love dick jokes.
I know, but mine got moderated by an actual LIVING Canadian!
I didn’t understand that one, but I’m sure he’s sorry.
*Sourry.
I am sourry, for the record. Sometimes I’m a little overzealous.
No problem, I just want to make sure of the rules.
She’s finished the cereal now anyway.
LOfLorida
THAT’S SO FLORIDA
What “comfort food” sells out first?
Do they make gravy-flavoured Moon Pies?
3rd and 27? JV NFL Blitz!
And then a PI! BANANACAKES CONFIRMED!
Double J talks Hodor into joining Dallas next year.
Not before giving Dak like 80 percent of the cap
DOUBLE BANANAANANANANANANCAKES ACHIEVENTMENT UNLLLOCKKED
Who has Luck on their FF team?
This Miami/Gator game is good
in a very Florida Man way
BANANACAKES ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED
TURNOVER CHAINS FOR EVERYONE!
Dingleberry went 3-13, 35 against the Qardinals. Jeebus
In my darkest hour, I will be sustained by Cousins’ mediocrity
THAT’S A GREAT YARDS PER COMPLETION!
https://twitter.com/RichNye13/status/1165445173909827584?s=19
Keep smoking that crystal, Clots fans.
They’re booing Luck like it’s a gay pride parade.
OK, PENCE’D AND LAUGHED.
Entropy is a beautiful thing.
Holy shit they’re booing Luck. THis is going to be delicious.
Humps gon’ Hump
My man is packin some heat!
“I’M A GROWER NOT A SHOW-ER!!”
“THE WATER IS VERY COLD, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW!”
How does this get past the auto-moderation but the Ben Garrison cartoon I post not? lol
I side with the moderators on this one
I, for one, welcome our new boundary-pushin overlords.
I just got one moderated that didn’t show anything but butt cheeks. Oh well.
Kinda my point. Don’t care either way, but the chaos is fun.
Oh, didn’t know you saw that cereal killer lady.
Oh, I did, and finished.
Drink the sweet milk from the bowl, let some run down your chin….
Damn it, just re-aroused myself.
To be fair; that could be her butt hair combed under and not pubes.
Also, we should run a pool for when somebody on ESPN suggests TEBOW!!!
It’s already happened.
But nawt thaht Kahhpernack fack!
He doesn’t have the…necessities.
Of course it has.
Think of what they can do with all that cap space!!
Will they luck into another franchise QB next draft in Tua or Herbert?
they’d have to purposefully tank, but maybe they will
They will have more cap space than is inside your average MAGA hat!!
oh, that’s GOLD
Now Irsay can hire someone to shove the powder directly up his nasal cavity instead of having to bend over and roll up a Washington himself.