Jesus Bananacakes! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should welcome all you folks back from your non-self-imposed hiatus from the football. It’s nice to see you and my, that ‘no pants’ look really suits you. That chip dip stain on your wife beater should come out just fine, if ever you decide to do laundry again. Hey, I’m kidding. So yes, hello there all you swiggers, sidewalkers, ne’er do-weller’s, hellcats, harlots, schemers, backdoor men, railway cops, geezers, sneezers, dreamers, jive bombers, beard holders, machinists, taffy stretchers, Barbie dolls, tailpipe enthusiasts, shoe smellers, cis-goths, rhubarb lickers, Big Daddies, greasers and what have you.
I’d also like to give a shout-out to all the fellers that pitched in to make all that off-season content. (’cause I sure didn’t but I was very active in the comment section ) We learned quite a bit about soccer, cycling, tennis, golf, basketball, baseball and most importantly, each other. I mean, who knew that the mere presence of a 19 or 20 year-old competitor in the Women’s World Cup could so easily bring out the inner creep in all of us. Maybe some of us. Okay, a select few of us. Whatever, that’s in the past-we’re looking forward now. I’ll never forget you Becky…
Unlike the NFL. Did you hear it’s the 100th season of that little underdog league that morphed into the goliath that it is now? If not, you will and you will be sorry-at some point. My guess is that tonight there’ll be some Walter Payton shots accompanied by the delicate plucking of strings.
Enough of this. You know the drill. TO THE GAME!
Packers/Bears:
I don’t think I’m much wrong perspicating* that this tilt holds a fair bit of weight, even this early in the season. The Vikes as well as these guys will be jostling for position in a ‘should be’ competitive NFC North division all year long. I larfed a bunch when rook coach Matt Lafleur (no relation to Guy Lafleur) said that qb Rodgers would be ‘allowed’ to audible plays as though Mr. New Head Guy had any choice in the matter. The Chicago D is good but if you’re in a deep league and have 6′ 3″ Geronimo Allison, go ahead and play him. He’s up against 5′ 7″ slot corner Buster Skrine. Not only is Skrine small, he’s also lousy! Given that Bears te Burton is out your touchdown vulture tonight will be a certain Adam Shaheen. Prepare to shout his name to the heavens.
That’s it. Comment like you’ve commented before!
*perspicating is not a real word. Do not use in real-life situations unless trying to fuck with someone. Continued use of this ‘word’ may result in quizzical looks, disparaging comments behind your back, a sit-down with HR, divorce, indulging in necromancy and chronic back pain.
If I wanted to watch Bears lay around and do nothing while a bunch of midwesterners gawk at them i’d have gone to the Zoo.
The Zoo. I thought they closed that joint down.
Man, I can’t wait for these pre-season games to be……..
/holds hand to ear
Oh, I’m being told this is the season opener. We now return you to your regularly scheduled shitshow.
NEW RULE – delay of game is an instantaneous lost/forfeited down
Sponsored by Lays potato chips, when you have a couple extra seconds, enjoy de LAYS
I AM enjoying watching the Chicago crowd rapidly turn on the team. Although the frequent jersey burning probably is good for the economy, if not the environment.
First god damn game.
They aren’t fair-weather fans. They’re spinning weather-vane in a hurricane fans.
As are most.
“Ice Coors” is cadence now? Charlie Kelly like!
.
He’s been kinda cocky ever since he destroyed America’s Rape Dad.
I haven’t seen this much offensive incompetence since the Western Front in 1914.
Hold my beer.
—William Westmoreland
Hold my sake.
-Admiral Yamamoto
sacre bleu the Germans have have guns too!
Please be a personal foul on green bay
BEARISTOCRATS!
or for the French feed, zee mothair ees fucking the son, zee son is fucking fa-zher
TWO delay pennos this drive, that’s high school shit.
I mean, wtf, now the 1 hour game might take 3 hrs and 17 minutes instead of 3 hrs and 15 minutes!
inorite??
I’ve been thinking all night about the Bears drafting Mahommes instead of Trubisky and in my mind palace it ends with a Mahommes and Mack lead team grinding the Patriots to dust in Super Bowl 53 and finally ending Brady’s career and now I’m so mad.
We both know that doesn’t fucking happen without mahomes having all the advantages he had in Kansas City
Like Andy Reid’s recipe for ribs?
IT’S MY MIND PALACE I MAKE THE RULES
Please don’t use that defense in court
*Ghetto
BE YOU.
*Unless you suck, then be not you
oh, we ALL suck. But I also hate change.
BE BEST!
—East Bloc Mail Order Bride.
Where is tWBS? Down at the coast offering young vulnerable women shelter?
With his penis?
He’s getting blown, By Mother Nature.
While Mother Nature’s creepy “friend” watches from the other hotel bed.
As I have had to tell the occasional intimate partner over the years, “‘Blow’ is just a figure of speech.”
OK, this is the best thread ever.
Oh shit! I knew that guy in the Craigslist ad looked familiar!
About to be 7-6 Packers
ok, it will be 7-6 going into the final Bearistocrats drive…
…setting up a last-second Double Doink
The ref needs to work on his forearms. I can’t fap to penalties with his weak shit.
Is ref porn a thing? Balls, fire up that search bar
I’m guessing ‘New Amsterdam’ isn’t an alternate history drama exploring what might have happened if Manhattan had stayed in the hands of the Dutch?
Not to be confused with the “New Amsterdam” show about the guy who was immortal until he found his true love.
Or the 75 different groups called “New Amsterdam [blank].”
Deep Elvis Costello reference?
Bears complete pass! *snort heroin*
A crumb of completion!
Holy shit is the score still really 7-3?
To some, this is a travesty of a song, to others (my in-laws) this is “must-play music” when the gang gets together.
One of my favorite put of context gifs
That was a great show.
Oh shit did they end it?
Red is Dead.
Not yet he ain’t. He just added more dates to his “This Could Be It” tour.
Red Green is a God damn treasure
Red Green showed up at my restaurant back in the day. I asked for his autograph and the bastard gave me back some stupid scrawl that looked something like “Steve Smith”. Fucker.
I like him even more now.
At least one moose fell for this joke.
Are you sure it wasn’t really Steve Smith?
Hmmm…. he was 5’10” and said he played for the Panthers. I just can’t say for sure. Sorry.
The Crown Royal water break has got to be the biggest pile of horseshit ever. If you’re drinking Crown Royal straight you’re way past worrying about staying semi sober. You’re looking to buy a shotgun and destroy a laundry mat.
At least the quarter machines.
“A Laundry Mat? I need to step up my game.”
-N. Davenport
There’s a French-language Bears Twitter account and it’s live tweeting this game.
Merde!
I know it’s unfair to say this, but that feels extremely Gregg Easterbrook.
Qu’est-ce que c’est? Fafafafafafafafa etc
Everyone take a good look at the field while it still kinda has grass on it! You could maybe even have a semi-decent picnic there right now if jackasses didn’t keep chucking their football into your potato salad
Collinsworth is channeling his inner John Madden tonight
Just the Alzheimer’s part.
A really skilled butcher can put a Joe Buck inside a Cris Collinsworth inside a John Madden. Now THAT’s a Thanksgiving feast!
Turdfuckin.
JK Scott looks like he can’t order a drink
I bet that girl has a bush like a crow’s nest
I think you are underestimating her character.
PBS is airing “The Top 10 Most Boring Scenes in PBS History”, I’ll see you guys later.
Yankee Clipper
SHOULDA SHOT A-ROD!
My favorite line in that movie.
So, is there going to be a very uncomfortable pre-adolescent gang-bang in IT: Chapter Two?
Yeah, that was one of King’s most uncomfortable scenes he’s ever written. Fucking weird.
Love to blame cocaine for writing about a bunch of 12 year olds fucking another 12 year old in my 30’s. Totally the equivalent of cutting your palm with a coke bottle and giving everybody silver dollars.
Uncomfortable? – Marc T., parts unknown
Dammit Hippo.
God I hope so – Marc Trestman
Are we sure Steven King (Iowa) and Steven King (Mass) arent the same guys?
/Salem’s Lot is a modern masterpiece
The author from Maine is cool now that he’s off the cocaine.
In regards to the dark crystal series:
I think Jim Henson was overrated as hell, people get so fucking defensive about his work.
Puppetry and Muppets are great and artistic but fuck that movie was garbage
Yoda, my favorite muppet is.
I don’t think yoda was made by henson?
No, but he was voiced by Frank Oz, who also did Kermit, most famously.
Good god, I hope this game is not a portent of the season to come.
Definitely Thursday games.
Well last year’s Bears opener wasn’t so…
Record Liquor and Weed Sales for Q3 and Q4 2019
I’d say Matt Nagy is outsmarting himself but…
Bears are usually good for another inch when needed.
This guy Nagy I like to call him Yogi, because he constantly over-estimates his intelligence
Unfortunately, the Rangers play in MLB and the NHL, not the NFL.
This shit reminds me of the super bowl
Sir may I please get a crumb of touchdown?
Best Disney movie ever
Fact.
Maid Marian is responsible for at least 95% of all furries online today.
Her and lola bunny
And if you’re trying to find a dead body… Bugs Bunny in Drag
Cohen doesn’t have a rushing attempt this game, weird
…
How should one bet Estonia/Belarus tomorrow?? Asking FOAR a friend.
B > E
a’ight, bets down for Belarus and Slovenia!
/FUCK do I hate international breaks
Only if it’s an Eastern Europe political prop bet
Which one is being propped up by Putin the most?
pretty sure the answer to that is YES
No joke: Belarus
5G, i think it’s a hot load of horseshit. Call me when I can get wifi pumped directly into my fucking brain
From a tech perspective, 5G has very little real world application. It will, however, cost a fortune to implement, maintain, and purchase devices for. So at least more money will go to the top.
I kinda wish I had put down a $5 joke bet for a Bears/Browns Owl last time I was in Vegas. It would give my season narrative
Still time
Nah, I have too much information now
my P*ts/Bears revenge game prediction is looking…unlikely
Ever sat down with a graphic designer, and gift artist, and gone through a presentation deck? It’s not fun. Because they’re dense as fuck with anything remotely involving that type of situation.
I’m grateful I broke out the strong shit for this game.
you got some black tar? LUCKY
I’m telling y’all, this is as good a DL performance as you’ll see. They will be RAGING if Bearistocrats can’t win this.
Don’t think I’ve ever heard “however” as part of a ref’s call before.
Never underestimate Rodgers ability to come through while he’s been hit by Dix
Good ONE!
BANNER!
I will never not laugh at HaHa Clinton-Dix
Second this
Ha ha!
“Ha ha, Clinton’s dick…” – Monica Lewinsky
She’d actually retweet that joke
She’s awesome
Touching Aaron Rodgers, touchdown seahawks!
Tackling the son of God? That’s a 15-yard penalty at LEAST.
Not called as often as with Tom Brady.
Touchdown Jesus!
holding, SO MUCH holding
I really enjoyed listening to the first half on the radio. I got bingo points for both ‘He used to play basketball’ AND ‘dink and dunk’
That was grounding and those refs can suck it
Fantasy Football, the only reason Yahoo! still exists
I follow yahoo sports, head and shoulders above espn at this point
I helped my 83 year old father switch from his yahoo email to gmail this past weekend, at his request.
One more of those hits and Rodgers could be maimed. I will enjoy it
we have to send Balls looking for some hot cripple porn now
I initially read that as “married”, and was like, nah, probably not.