Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!
Rams/Panthers:
As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.
Titans/Browns:
Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.
Chiefs/Jags:
Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.
Ravens/Fins:
LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.
Falcons/Vikes:
So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?
Bills/Jets:
Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.
Potato Skins/Eagles:
Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.
Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)
In a Puerto Rican Burger King, far far away? An agitated attorney is screaming I told you so!!
Live look at #ThePauls bandwagon:
thats an improvement. Usually the water is on fire too
Browns are brownsing again in a touching homage to their former coach – Hue The Poo Jackson
Derrick Henry with a 75 yard pass TD is offsetting Mahomes stats. Wow.
SO BEGINS THE GLORIOUS BILLS COMEBACK!
All right, I gotta get ready for my gig, have fun watching the shitshow that’ll be the SNF game.
Guess JAX is as bad as expected.
Maybe they’ll be Even Week Jaguras this season?
Sooo, Josh Rosen is up to a stellar start…
Globalist Pickerception??
Or he’s just shit?
Rosen chosen wrong there.
I didn’t dump him yesterday for no reason.
Mosley is doubtful to return with a groin injury, so now the Jets D will give up all the points and lose 17-16, calling it.
Does that count as 3 or 4 points since it was scored by Sproles?
Tiny Fucking Darren, y’all
<3 the analytics RESPEK
Thank you, Dan Snyder
28-20 might have been selling Iggles short
Off by 1!
need two MOAR Black Panther FGs pleaz
Oy Vey
I mean, Sammy Watkins? SAMMY?! WATKINS?!
Condolences to all y’all playing against a Sammy Watkins-led squadron
I think maestro sat him
#ThePauls
Can we just move the team again again?
“Do you need Mayflower’s number?”
-J. Irsay
Okay, now the CrapBirds are just running up the score to impress the pollsters.
Scheduling a FCS team for your 1st game of season does have its downside
Still won’t help his brother at Michigan, unless they meet in the playoffs.
Jags knocked each other out.
what was the O/U on Miami wins this season?
Too high. I think 4.5 or 5.5.
Not too high, lol. Just high enough for FitzMagic to win their way outta contention for Tua
Now its probably at 0.
-3.
I don’t know how they’re going to do it but I’ve got faith.
In news that will shock nobody, the Orioles are getting their asses handed to them.
I didn’t even think they had asses left.
They’re all a bunch of asses.
*checks MLB scoreboard*
Holy fucking hell, the Mariners are down 13-0 in the 4th?
We need a mercy rule now.
Stupid Mariners, they had one job.
They did? What was it?
Ease back Yankee boy. Y’all are fine.
Also I should have some fine peppers for youse in a coupla weeks. They’re finally coming in good.
Now with hurricane winds?
They popped out big time this week. Not sure why. I thought we were going out empty this year.
Should be ready soon.
He will still be the least pickled one there.
LOL, that was good.
So they could let him down one more time! lolololrofllmaolol
The Mets are about to lose to the Phillies to (essentially) officially end their season, but they managed to make the transition from baseball season to football season work for the first time in 4 years, so I’m kind of ok with it.
So Diaz is pitching?
Hauschka is maybe the only Bills player that belongs on an NFL roster
…meahwhile in Minnessota, it’d appear that the Falcons are REALLY in love with the prospect of Tua 😀
Also, goddamn it, Gravatar, WHY U NO LIKE ME ?! 😀
Edit: Huh, so Gravatar works for me elsewhere (ie The Draw Play) … THE BLEEP!? TWBS, you’re my only hope 😀
So one offseason of collective goodwill on the Browns is only good for exactly one offensive touchdown drive.
Sadness has no tariffs
If they didn’t commit stupid fucking drive-extending penalties, they just wouldn’t be the Jets.
ruined my goddamned shutout
I’m going love it when Byron Jones knocks out D-Jax this season.
Holy shit. Hippo called it.
Desean just did it deagain.
‘Dacteds maybe wanna cover that Jackson fella.
No, Snyder got rid of him, must demonstrate he has no value!
Iggles WOO
TAKE A BOW DJAX
Either the Dolphins D really sucks or the Ravens are going to run away with the AFC North.
Minshew is 13/13. That’s a shit-ton of bad luck right there.
THE-VEON BELL!!!!!!
Don’t you mean The’Vion Bell?
My mistake.
Time for the Falcons to take their proper place in the basement
They missed their window, 28-3. i think the Bucs are going to scary team to play
“They need to rub the lotion on their skin.”
-Trent Green
Matty Ice Ice Baby too cold? TOO COLD.
No trust in the kicker, so go for two.
After reviewing the play, no Jets touchdown, and touchdown P*ts. Sorry, TWO touchdowns so they’re winning this game even though they’re not playing it.
No team has EVAR had an easier Superb Owl path than the 2019 P*ts
At this point, they could field their Practice Squad and win the division 8-8 or maybe 7-9.
You know, Mark Ingram should really be rested now.
Jag Defense
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9RCpXMiLTA
RIP 2019 Cleveland Browns Championship Season (2018-2019)
Jets, what are you even doing?
ruining a perfect narrative
Reinforcing the years-long narrative, actually.
Offense… touchdown?
Oh, maestro is killcrushing me now.
You had a good run, slurs