Your “I Think The Banner Pic Pretty Much Covers It” Holiest of Holy Open Threads

Now that the Thursday Nighter has been wiped from our collective memories by all the weed, booze and pills that it is possible to ingest, let’s see if today’s slate can make a mark. TO THE GAMES!

Rams/Panthers:

As Cammer’s shoulder goes, so goes Carolina and it seems fine. The Panthers are implementing a new 3-4 D scheme (Riverboat Ron’s baby) so what with edge Irvin out we’ll see rook Brian Burns flash his pass-rushing ability. The Rams begin the season with the goal of finishing second behind the Chiefs in points scored. Get down on your knees and pray for Gurley’s.

Titans/Browns:

Cleveland football fans feel all funny inside because they don’t have a word for ‘positivity’. They think it’s just gas. But thar be so much young talent! And a cracking D to go with the O! Look for the Baker-OBJ thingy to get off to a quick start because cb Adoree Jackson gave up the 2nd-most catches (66) to wr’s last year. He’ll be shadowing Beckham.

Chiefs/Jags:

Hill vs. Ramsey. Watkins vs. Abouye. These cb’s give up a passer rating on average, of only 68 but you have to think that Tyreek will bust one at some point. At least Vegas does-the o/u is 52.

Ravens/Fins:

LAMAR! rushed 17 times per game after taking over in week 11. Is that sustainable? No. Will a number of his passes eat dirt/sail into the stands? Yes. Is he finally bringing excitement back to the Ravens qb spot? Hell yeah! In the Things You Didn’t Know Department: Miami’s Albert Wilson led the league in average yards after the catch with 13.3. Huh.

Falcons/Vikes:

So much chatter regarding Zeke and Saquon but Dalvin Cook might be the guy that steals the rushing title out from under them both. Old Kirkie Cousins threw for 4,000 yards again last year but still doesn’t get any respect. He should get out early against the D that gave up the most fantasy points to qb’s last year. Julio signed so he’s playing. Will he score more than 5 frickin’ TD’s this year?

Bills/Jets:

Up upstate way there’s a buzz going on that Josh Allen to Cole Beasley is a thing. The Beaser caught 7 of 8 targets and looks to be the security blanket that the youngster desperately needs as he continues to develop. Look for rb Bell to do some quality galloping this year. He’s got fresh legs and nary a bump or bruise anywhere on his bod. That should translate to some quality early numbers and Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback should benefit. Will this process translate to wins? That’s up in the air.

Potato Skins/Eagles:

Second-year but actually rook rb Derrius Guice ran for 44 yards, 28 of which were after contact. He’ll have his work cut out for him vs. Philly’s front 7. Be on the lookout for the plodding Jordan Howard to slowly cede the starting job to the much more dynamic Kilometers Sanders.

Okay, get out there and DO YOUR JOB! (Fucking Pats, smgdh)

 

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King Hippo

In a Puerto Rican Burger King, far far away? An agitated attorney is screaming I told you so!!

Mr. Ayo

Live look at #ThePauls bandwagon:
comment image

Spur

thats an improvement. Usually the water is on fire too

bk109

Browns are brownsing again in a touching homage to their former coach – Hue The Poo Jackson

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

SO BEGINS THE GLORIOUS BILLS COMEBACK!

Senor Weaselo

All right, I gotta get ready for my gig, have fun watching the shitshow that’ll be the SNF game.

blaxabbath

Guess JAX is as bad as expected.

LemonJello

Maybe they’ll be Even Week Jaguras this season?

bk109

Sooo, Josh Rosen is up to a stellar start…

King Hippo

Globalist Pickerception??

bk109

Or he’s just shit?

Mr. Ayo

Rosen chosen wrong there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I didn’t dump him yesterday for no reason.

Senor Weaselo

Mosley is doubtful to return with a groin injury, so now the Jets D will give up all the points and lose 17-16, calling it.

LemonJello

Does that count as 3 or 4 points since it was scored by Sproles?

Gratliff

Tiny Fucking Darren, y’all

King Hippo

<3 the analytics RESPEK

Gratliff

Thank you, Dan Snyder

King Hippo

28-20 might have been selling Iggles short

Mr. Ayo

Off by 1!

King Hippo

need two MOAR Black Panther FGs pleaz

Spur

Oy Vey

Smithchez

I mean, Sammy Watkins? SAMMY?! WATKINS?!

King Hippo

Condolences to all y’all playing against a Sammy Watkins-led squadron

Brocky

I think maestro sat him

Mr. Ayo

#ThePauls

JustStopDude

Can we just move the team again again?

LemonJello

“Do you need Mayflower’s number?”
-J. Irsay

Redshirt

Okay, now the CrapBirds are just running up the score to impress the pollsters.

Spur

Scheduling a FCS team for your 1st game of season does have its downside

LemonJello

Still won’t help his brother at Michigan, unless they meet in the playoffs.

Spur

Jags knocked each other out.

King Hippo

what was the O/U on Miami wins this season?

Mr. Ayo

Too high. I think 4.5 or 5.5.

bk109

Not too high, lol. Just high enough for FitzMagic to win their way outta contention for Tua

Redshirt

Now its probably at 0.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In news that will shock nobody, the Orioles are getting their asses handed to them.

Smithchez

I didn’t even think they had asses left.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They’re all a bunch of asses.

Mr. Ayo

*checks MLB scoreboard*

Holy fucking hell, the Mariners are down 13-0 in the 4th?

We need a mercy rule now.

Senor Weaselo

Stupid Mariners, they had one job.

Mr. Ayo

They did? What was it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ease back Yankee boy. Y’all are fine.

Also I should have some fine peppers for youse in a coupla weeks. They’re finally coming in good.

Senor Weaselo

Now with hurricane winds?

theeWeeBabySeamus

They popped out big time this week. Not sure why. I thought we were going out empty this year.

Should be ready soon.

Gratliff

comment image

ArmedandHammered

He will still be the least pickled one there.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL, that was good.

Mr. Ayo

So they could let him down one more time! lolololrofllmaolol

Smithchez

The Mets are about to lose to the Phillies to (essentially) officially end their season, but they managed to make the transition from baseball season to football season work for the first time in 4 years, so I’m kind of ok with it.

Senor Weaselo

So Diaz is pitching?

King Hippo

Hauschka is maybe the only Bills player that belongs on an NFL roster

bk109

…meahwhile in Minnessota, it’d appear that the Falcons are REALLY in love with the prospect of Tua 😀

Also, goddamn it, Gravatar, WHY U NO LIKE ME ?! 😀

Edit: Huh, so Gravatar works for me elsewhere (ie The Draw Play) … THE BLEEP!? TWBS, you’re my only hope 😀

Redshirt

So one offseason of collective goodwill on the Browns is only good for exactly one offensive touchdown drive.

Gatoraids

Sadness has no tariffs

Smithchez

If they didn’t commit stupid fucking drive-extending penalties, they just wouldn’t be the Jets.

King Hippo

ruined my goddamned shutout

Spur

I’m going love it when Byron Jones knocks out D-Jax this season.

Mr. Ayo

Holy shit. Hippo called it.

LemonJello

‘Dacteds maybe wanna cover that Jackson fella.

King Hippo

No, Snyder got rid of him, must demonstrate he has no value!

King Hippo

Iggles WOO

Gratliff

TAKE A BOW DJAX

Redshirt

Either the Dolphins D really sucks or the Ravens are going to run away with the AFC North.

Smithchez

THE-VEON BELL!!!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Don’t you mean The’Vion Bell?

Smithchez

My mistake.

Gratliff

Time for the Falcons to take their proper place in the basement

Spur

They missed their window, 28-3. i think the Bucs are going to scary team to play

King Hippo

Matty Ice Ice Baby too cold? TOO COLD.

Senor Weaselo

No trust in the kicker, so go for two.

Senor Weaselo

After reviewing the play, no Jets touchdown, and touchdown P*ts. Sorry, TWO touchdowns so they’re winning this game even though they’re not playing it.

King Hippo

No team has EVAR had an easier Superb Owl path than the 2019 P*ts

Redshirt

At this point, they could field their Practice Squad and win the division 8-8 or maybe 7-9.

King Hippo

You know, Mark Ingram should really be rested now.

Spur
Redshirt

RIP 2019 Cleveland Browns Championship Season (2018-2019)

Smithchez

Jets, what are you even doing?

King Hippo

ruining a perfect narrative

Senor Weaselo

Offense… touchdown?

Fronkenshteen

Oh, maestro is killcrushing me now.

Gratliff

You had a good run, slurs