I’m not going to stand here and preach to you all about how FOOTBAWL IS BACK! But that’s mainly because I’m a hater.
From what I understand, there is no real discernable difference between 2018’s contenders/nobodies and 2019’s pretenders/somebodies. Unless I missed the part where Joe Flacco is returning the Broncos to relevance or The Pauls are finally making that 2020 push I’ve read so much about. Maybe Josh Rosen has become anything other than a must-have for teams chasing the number one overall draft pick? No? How strange. Because I’m sure the Patriots are still fuck the Patriots and the Colts are NFL nonfactors.
Might as well call the regular season the primaries because, hey, I like Andrew Yang too but it isn’t like the Titans are going anywhere this year. Oh! Word limit! Wooo!
So, please, enjoy your Week 1 Quotables submissions below.
Mom says that I have to move out, huh
Wait. ‘Eli sucks’ is an insult?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAU0BBG5-hw
What the fuck
har-e, hare krishna!!
Human-sized rectal probe.
GET OUT PT 2
Looky-loo, libtard cucks. I HAVE A BLACK FRIEND!!
Would Gronk’s brain in AB’s body be an improvement?
GRONK SMAAAAAASH!!!
Caption: Tom Brady hangs out with very bad gang member from the Bahamas.
When did the 49ers sign Soundwave?!
Oh, that’s a good one.
Still no tape-bots that can throw or catch or block or …
Agreed, that’s my favorite so far.
Soundwave is a treacherous motherfucker.
(thinking) “So I tell him? What if he turns me down? I can’t live with that, but I can’t live without him? Screw it, I’m going for it.”
(speaking) “Kyler? I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!”
In his defense, the Throw to WR4 and Throw Away Buttons are too damn close together.
“No, no, he’s listed as a tight end on Madden, so that means the team can pay him 30% less under the franchise tag.” – handpicked NFL arbitrator
Mahomes: “We worked on this in practice!”
Kelce: dismissive wanking motion
See, this is why I didn’t even bother trying to get my best players the ball.
–Matt Nagy
“A match? Here at Soldier Field? I wonder who it could be?”
Just a couple of Gruden’s Grindrs out there, looking to party and play.
The kid’s gonna be blind, though
Also, 52 looks like Balls going incognito.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HI0x0KYChq4
“Time to go”, coach said.
“But I’m supposed to walk out with Mostert” I said.
“”The team is going. March, mister”, coach said.
“But he’s taking a shit!”, I said.
“I don’t care WHAT he’s doing. MOVE!”, coach said.
“But coach! Then the joke won’t make any sense!”, I said.
“Get out on the field or you’re fired!”, coach said.
I cannot stop laughing at this. Who was that guy trying to block?
Can’t draft a lineman #1 overall if they use that pick on a new QB.
42. I can kind of see it making sense in the .3 seconds during which it occurred, but that still doesn’t make it acceptable.
Never mind, he still can’t catch a pass.
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“I was led to believe there would be punch and pie”
You wanna punch?
— IK Enemkpali
What’s so unusual about this. Looks like any Tuesday afternoon in Bushwick.
Which is closer to Santa Clara than SC is to San Francisco
As we said when we parted ways with Colin and Eric, this team will not tolerate distractions. Now where is that giant piñata for the rest of the pregame team party?
Pictured: The entire Jets defense
Murray: “Dammit. It’s like in practice, red jersey means you DON’T tackle.”
Sweezy: “Again? I thought I was done having to deal with you upp- short, yeah, short QBs behind me.”
Murray: “Uh, you know Jameis is like 6’4″.”
Sweezy: “Yeah, well he’s another one of you people I don’t like standing behind me. You just aren’t trustworthy with your shifty ways.”
“This showboatery is disgusting. Tell Marrone to run a look both ways four times FB dive.”–Tom Coughlin
Part of being the Madden cover athlete is learning how to glitch in real life.
Unfortunately, the lineman misinterpreted Kyler’s wish to get a good look at the D.
Oh, that’s good.
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Two touchdowns, still no win for Carolin’
I’m not the (Heis)man I was down on the Farm
Oh no no no, I’m just C-Mac man
This is good.
“Wait, if the rebels could suicide-bomb Star Destroyers by warping through them, why haven’t they been doing that this whole time?”
RIGHT?!?! Seriously, send a drone out and have it jump to lightspeed through the Death Star. Problem solved in Rian Johnson’s stupid universe
I guarantee that the bald guy has, at some point in his life, filled out an application to work for I.C.E.
Are you kidding- he’s the Acting Director
He’s got the nape fat for it.
All this ruckus over a simple accident. But the two parties couldn’t come to agreement on whether he got peanut butter all over the other party’s chocolate, or if they, in his mind, got chocolate in his peanut butter.
Makes me wish for Officer Reese to show up like in Family Guy and just shoot them both in the head.
“Duh, I’m sorry, Kyler, I thought you was a bunny rabbit!” – J.R. ‘Lenny’ Sweezy
Man, I haven’t seen Jets take down a New York icon like that in 18 years.
Bra-fucking-vo.
A good joke, but I think it’d funnier with a more open ended punchline, maybe something like:
“I haven’t seen Jets take down something in New York like that since well…you know….
True, but I looked at the calendar this morning.
+1 inviting the Taliban to help commemorate 9-11.
“Coach, I don’t know what happened?”
“A similar thing happened to me one time. I was trying to keep my eye on the game clock. While I wasn’t looking my son died of an OD.”
You people….
What do you mean, “you people?”
blacks != blacks
Whoa. These are all so good but this one made me pause.
Making members of the commentariat uncomfortable makes me wonder if I’ve gone to far, but then I see the +1s and think, could I have ridden that dragon a little longer.
Oh you definitely got a +1 from me!
? Making my way downtown walking fast
Faces pass and I’m home bound?
♫ …staring blankly ahead… ♫
This would have been right on target if it had been Dan Orlovsky running the route.
“And I say, England’s greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!”
“Pitt the Elder!”
“Lord Palmerston!”
“PITT. THE. ELDER!”
“That’s it, you asked for it”
Pfft. Pitt the Elder.
buddy
Imma just take a quick nap here next to Wade Boggs
After the game, he caught shit from his dad Big Van Vader about his lack of form & refusal to hook the leg for the pin.
For the life of him, the intern couldn’t understand why Mr. York insisted he play The Piña Colada Song while hyping the team up, but as his dad had always told him, he wasn’t paid to think
He’s an intern. He’s not paid at all.
Just typical Bucs fans eatin’ their W’s.
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This coincides with Jerry Richardson’s last request that one of his “boys” learn to play piano for his entertainment.
A good Christian boy
It’s new from Apple. They call it “a gentrified neighborhood blaster.”
“An iBlast? Already did it.”
— Sasha Grey
“And THAT’s what you get for calling me 737 Max!”
The 80’s called and would like their oversized boom boxes back.
Eli would take his helmet off, but nobody will undo the child locks for him.
In game is NOT the time nor place for a rookie hazing with “How do Dee’s Nuts smell?”
Yeah, but this is just a preseason scrimmage. Right?
You’re on the Jets, what gives you the right to taunt anyone?
And here I thought he was digging out some feces to fling.
Or reaching to pull his Blackhawks thong out of his asscrack
Funny. He doesn’t appear to be an Eagles fan.
Fuckin’ millennials ruin everything.
To add to yours
Eli, 2018
Eli, 2017
Eli, 2016
Eli, 2015
Eli, 2014 …
♪ This is the end … ♪
here’s the first SFW video of “aerial teabagging”
/future balls search
And the receiver makes a no catch look.
Fan 1: It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-A
Fan 2: I’m not sure that’s right, let me google it
Teamkilling fucktard!
That is his Call of Duty handle.
At least it’s not N00bMaster69.