First, pulverize all his teeth, burn off the fingerprints, and disfigure his face. This will force a DNA test to establish identity (if it ever comes to that) which might introduce the legal/forensic hurdle that saves your ass down the line. An unidentifiable body can, in a pinch, be dressed in thrift store clothes and dropped in a bad part of town where the police are less likely to question it. I don’t recommend that disposal method, I’m just saying an easily identifiable body is an even bigger threat than the opposite. If you’re in a house where you have some time to work, get the body in the bathroom.

The first thing you want to do is drain it of fluids. This will make it easier to cut up, and slow decomposition a little bit. The best way to do this quick and dirty is to perforate the body with a pointed knife, and then perform CPR on it. Cut the fronts of the thighs deep, diagonally, to slit the femoral arteries. Then pump the chest. The valves in the heart will still work when dead, and the springback of the rib cage can apply a fair amount of suction to the aorta. Do this in the tub. Plug the drain, and mingle lots of bleach with the bodily fluids before unplugging the drain to empty the tub. This should help control the stench of death, which would otherwise reek from your gutter gratings. Do everything you can to control odors. Plug in an ionizer, burn candles, leave bowls of baking soda everywhere. Ventilate the room in the middle of the night, but otherwise keep it closed.

Keep the body under a plastic sheet while it’s in the tub. If you want to bury it, I recommend separating the body into several parts, and burying them separately. For one thing, it’s easier to dig a deep enough hole for a head by itself than it is for an entire body. This reduces your chances of being discovered while you are actually outside and digging the grave. That is the one thing you can’t do inside and it represents a vulnerable moment so you want to keep it brief, (under 2 hours). Do it between 3 and 5 am. Also, it’s less likely for someone to call the police if their dog digs up some chunk of meat, than if they dig up an entire body. They may assume it’s an animal carcass disfigured by decomposition, and leave it alone or dispose of it. It’s also more likely that the dog will consume all of it before anyone knows the difference.

A whole skeleton is another story. You can cut a body into 6 pieces faster than you think. It’s not much different than boning a chicken, but it takes more work, a big knife, and time. A hammer will be useful for pulverizing joints or driving the knife deep where it doesn’t want to go. Anyway it’s wise to crush as much of the skeleton as you can along the way. It will aid in making the body less identifiable for what it is as it decomposes. Don’t return to the same site 6 times for 6 burials.You’ll attract suspicion from anyone nearby, and you’ll wind up placing the body parts close enough together to be found by any serious investigation. Put them in plastic bags with lots of bleach, and store in a freezer until you have enough time to bury them all.

Depending on what tools you have available, you may find that you’re getting really good at deconstructing the body. You might prefer to slowly sprinkle it down a drain without leaving your house. This avoids the long-term risk of discovery associated with burial, and the overwhelming supply of bacteria in a sewer accelerates decomposition, while providing a convenient cover smell. Truly grinding down a body takes a lot more work, and you run the risk of fouling your plumbing and calling in a plumber. So don’t try it unless you know how to clear bones and meat out of a drainpipe. A good food processor can be useful. But don’t over-use it, or power drills or saws. They’re noisy and they attract attention. And forget the kitchen sink. It’s better to use the toilet which will give you direct access to one of the largest sewer pipes that exits your house. Follow any disposals with lots of bleach and then run the water for 5 or 10 minutes on top of that.

Once you are finished you will need to completely clean the area and remove all traces of what happened with bleach. Remember, blood tends to seep into all sorts of unlikely places. you will want to pull the baseboards to remove any evidence of bodily fluids that has soaked into the corners, also remove and replace the wax sealing ring in the base of the toilet. Those things act as a magnet, collecting evidence of everything that you flushed down. Don’t forget to check the ceiling, blood spatter often ends up there and gets overlooked during the cleaning. Now comes the most important part. Keep your mouth shut! Too many people are caught because they let something slip. The sooner you can start thinking about what happened as nothing more than a story you once heard or a dream that you once had the better. Distance yourself from it and let the memory fade. After all, if you don’t remember it, did it ever really happen?