MOST GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS (and some NFL thing) Open Thread

That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.

WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!

What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.

 

PREPARE YOUR ANUS

 

Oh it’s prepared….

 

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!

That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:

“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”

Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.

Cardinal Cream: Drink It Up

For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight.  It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin.  The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.

Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.

Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on.  The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.

Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung

PREDICTION:

GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!

Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.

Enjoy, you filthy heathens.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Brocky

It’s been really enjoyable these last few years to have so many people calling Rodgers out on his shit. Guy has always been a whiney douche, and now that jay Cutler has been out of the division for a few years, there’s no one to take the negative focus off him

Unsurprised

DOOOOONNNNTTTTT CAAAARRRREEEEE

Gatoraids

I’m Commander Shepherd and I approve of this turnover

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Sharkbait

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Viva La Tabula Raza

HAR HAR HAR.

Gatoraids

Heads up play by shephard

Spur

Nice INT.
Get Fucked Rodgers

Mr. Ayo

That’s some Lions shit right there.

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Didn’t Jimmy Graham play another sport besides football?? I thought I remembered hearing something about that.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Badminton.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Curling.

Spur

squash

Brocky

These packers fans right here I call them Patriots receivers because they’re looking for a flag after every play

Brocky

Breaking news: quarterback with consistently good receivers is good at football

Unsurprised

Corollary: Wide Receive with consistently shitty quarterback is ground down out of football.

(The Ballad of Megatron)

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ponce de Leon did not find the fountain of youth apparently.

Spur

Throw your hankie and review it then you cry baby fucks

WCS

So… Green Bay 20-19 final?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Talking about Lions here. Two offensive TDs, a safety, and one pick 6 later, it’s 36-19.
Edit: Or maybe not.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yikes, Strasburg at 115 pitch count? Time to pull his ass. So to speak.

Mr. Ayo

Ok, now pull him.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gotta. Need him for game 4 or 5.

Mr. Ayo

I don’t think he’ll be available for tomorrow’s Game 4 or Wednesday’s Game 5 regardless.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was thinking more in a relief role. But yeah, He couldn’t start again before 6 at the earliest.

Spur

Khal Drogo has returned!

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

So you’re in charge of making the title for a football themed slasher movie, what’s your best pun?

Gatoraids

OJ vs Ray : Someone is going to pay and someone is going to slay.

Spur

Surprise Rae Carruth appearance

Unsurprised

RAIDERS OF THE LOST HEISMAN

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Spur

Al Davis Presents : 4th and Stitches

Brocky

Illegal contact

“Unsportsmanlike conduct” could be a psychological thriller

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Slay Action Pass

Gatoraids

So like th classic SNL Sleeping with Bienemy

Senor Weaselo

Ice Pick Six.

Mr. Ayo

The Aaron Hernandez Retrospective

Viva La Tabula Raza

Profiles in Courage: The Craig James Story
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Unsurprised

#CJKFH

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s been a long day. What did I miss?

Brocky

Oh you know…. things

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I like her enthusiasm.

Brocky

Shit like that is why I’ll never tolerate packers fans complaining about the refs

Viva La Tabula Raza

Snacksack!

Fronkenshteen

Cardinals about to get it going here.

Sharkbait

ALL OF TEH DERP!

Spur

That’s a paddling – Rodgers

Fronkenshteen

Scantling ded? Watching teh beisbol

Gatoraids

And Allison and Adams. Typhoid Rodgers

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

TIE BAW GAME!

Spur

That was a clean sack. Punkass Rodgers crying for a call

Gatoraids

WWTB13D

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

QBs throwing egregious hospital balls should be penalties in and of themselves.

Spur

Let me get this right

Yankees = Pats/Steelers Love child
Astros = Seahawks
Cards = Greenbay
Nats = Viks

Brocky

Pretty accurate as far as I can tell

WCS

Have had this in my head all day:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHnNIoNUZig

Hope this will help crush the war crimes of halftime.

Gatoraids

Antonio brown Packers turn their clogged arteries toward you

Mr. Ayo

He was going for the catch. How is that a penalty?

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Arm broken?

Sharkbait

It’s another week in the NFL, another Packer sacrifice needs to be made

Spur

only a few more spins until it lands on Rodgers

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Lions vs. Packers should just be the nose tackles lunging across the field and sacking the quarterback every play, the way God and Tecmo Super Bowl intended

Spur

Need to wash the horrible music taste out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLm3Khusq_8

Spur

Bro country needs to be purged.

WCS

One of the biggest reasons intelligent life from beyond the solar system knows about us, and actively avoids us.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.

Spur

Brass knuckle microphone. Yeah dude you’re cool….

Mr. Ayo

On the sidelines? Facing away from the audience?

Brilliant!

Sharkbait

Country music is a war crime

Horatio Cornblower

Not Outlaw Country.
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Spur

I see the Fuck Lions are leading the Fucking Assholes. I’m sure there will be some Zebra shenanigans in favor of Rodgers coming up real soon.

Brick Meathook

The Expos are kicking some ass tonight. The best part of this game is that Booger’s voice is nowhere near here.

Spur

what’s an Expo?

Dunstan
Spur

Folks

Fronkenshteen

I hope this party in DC is fucking killing Dan Snyder.
http://giphygifs.s3.amazonaws.com/media/CQyG19eXbeEiA/giphy.gif

Brocky

Not macabre, but I want to show it all the same:

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Basedball announcer just said that DC hasn’t hosted a World Series game since 1933 and that TR was President then.

Still better than any broadcast Joe Buck has ever done.

Horatio Cornblower

I heard that, and now I want to see them do a President’s race with FDR in a wheelchair just fucking running over everyone.

jjfozz

Could we get him a wheelchair like Professor X had?

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

Actually, a running FDR would be awesome.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy’s a fake. A fucking goldbrick.
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Horatio Cornblower

If the Nationals make the World Series they should be forced to play two games, one at home and one on the road, wearing the uniforms of the Montreal Expos.

jjfozz

Jesus christ, if they make the series then I’ll have to deal with snotty ass Nationals fans telling me how their team is so great, and how they’ve been fans forever. Fuck you bub, I’m an Orioles fan and you’re a fucking bandwagon yuppie scumbag.

Brick Meathook

I quit being a Washington baseball fan when the Senators left town, and I never became an Orioles fan. I have stature.

jjfozz

When the senators left town. How old are you? 105?

Sharkbait

Maybe he’s immortal?

Unsurprised

All the radiation exposure. He’s actually Pierre Curie.

Horatio Cornblower

Didn’t they leave twice? Once to be the Twins and once to become the Rangers? Or am I drunk again?

Horatio Cornblower

According to Wikipedia I’m right. According to my Mom I’m smart and handsome. Each source is equally reliable.

Brick Meathook

You are correct. The last game was forfeited to the Yankees when fans stormed the field mid-game and stole the bases.

Game Time Decision

The confusion on all the bandwagon fans faces would be worth it

Game Time Decision

Stanford looking slimmer tonight, or is it just me?

jjfozz

Sympathy weight loss from when his wife…I can’t finish this joke. I am a horrible person

Game Time Decision

All the plus ones

Brocky

Brocky’s month of macabre continues

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Game Time Decision

Great movie

Gatoraids

80s peak kids movie to horrify your kids so they won’t want to watch the same movie 50 times

Brocky

Point,

Counterpoint:

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Unsurprised

HELLO FELLOW HORNI BOI

Game Time Decision

Can we start doing Rodgers diva face? There should be some good ones as he makes a face after every pass play that doesn’t work

jjfozz

So the guy builds a pool to keep his daughter from becoming a tramp? Christ, just cut off one of her feet and chain her to a large rock .

Horatio Cornblower

The first time I saw that ad I thought the excavator was to dig a hole to stick her ungrateful body in.

jjfozz

The last time i saw this many dropped balls, I was changing in the gym locker room when the men’s senior yoga class was coming out of the shower

Unsurprised

Old guys in gym locker rooms are the most disgusting people in the world.

Brocky

Lions stupidity or bias for green bay?