That’s right, kids- Uncle Scotchy is…indisposed for the evening. Some people just can’t hold their chloroform.
WHICH MEANS that Ol’ Reverend Mayhem is driving the train tonight, and he’s all hopped up on the Halloween candy Dr. Mrs. Mayhem bought and tried to stash away. CAN’T HIDE THE REESE’S FROM ME, WOMAN! NO POWER IN THE ‘VERSE CAN STOP ME!
What does this mean for you, gentle readers? Not much- just a slight change in normal programming.
THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES IT’S GO TIME! THE GLORIOUS EL BEISBOL CARDINALS ARE GONNA FUCK SOME SHIT UP IN THE NATION’S CAPITAL TONIGHT!
That’s right. It’s Dirt Football at it’s finest. “But Rev, didn’t St. Louis absolutely shit the bed in the first two games despite having home field advantage?” YES, but they’re just backing up to make the inevitable victory over the Not-Good-Enough-For-Montreal ExExpos. We’ve shitcanned them before in the playoffs multiple times when they had demonstrably better teams. And these aren’t the same old hateable Play the Right Way Cardinals. In case you missed manager Mike Shildt’s postgame rant after flushing Atlanta:
“The [Braves] started some shit. We finished the shit. And that’s how we roll. No one fucks with us ever. Now, I don’t give a fuck who we play. We’re gonna fuck them up. We’re gonna take it right to them the whole fucking way. We’re gonna kick their fucking ass.”
Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kind of coach we here at DFO can– nay must– embrace as one of our own. Hell, add in some references to pussytubing and it’s basically a Rex Ryan speech. Don’t deny what your heart tells you. Give in to Cardinal Love.
For those of you unable to handle all the Hot Buttered Baseball Action, there’s also some sort of NFL game on tonight. It’s the Packers and the Lions at the House That Lard Built. The heavy betting looks to be on Green Bay, who at 4-1 with a truly legit defense looks to win out on a cool and potentially rainy night in Wisconsin. The Lions, as you may recall from my previous insane and occasionally drunken rants, are a deeply weird team in search of an identity. They’re 2-1-1 coming off a bye, and are likely missing both elements of A’Shawn/Da’Shawn and possibly Darius Slay. Not good when Green Bay finally has a running game, even if Davante Adams’ absence may limit the passing game.
Weirdly, the lines I’m seeing are Packers -3.5, which factoring in the normal 3 spotted a home team means these two teams are viewed as much more even than they appear. Note that this is directly in line with my Revised Prophecy that the Lions will tie 5 more games this season. I advise you to place an irresponsibly large wager on “tie”. The Church will expect you to tithe your winnings.
Not much in the way of Footy News today beyond yesterday’s goings-on. The Shitty Clippers’ players are salty as fuck that some clever media person at “their” stadium started playing “Renegade” by Styx in the 4th quarter of last night’s nationally-televised depantsing. Apparently this is the Steelers’ “fight” song? Anyway, the idea was apparently to “Rick Roll” it, but the Pittsburgh-refugee majority decided to take it upon themselves to just sing it. Lessons: 1. never let a 45 year-old middle management guy try to do something clever involving a 12 year old meme; 2. if you’re getting beat to shit by a third-string rookie QB nicknamed “Duck”, maybe concentrate on something other than what the stadium’s PA system is doing.
Also, Styx sucks. Paul DeJong > Dennis DeYoung
PREDICTION:
GLORIOUS VICTORY FOR LOS BIRDOS!
Also, a 27-27 tie in Green Bay.
Enjoy, you filthy heathens.
It’s been really enjoyable these last few years to have so many people calling Rodgers out on his shit. Guy has always been a whiney douche, and now that jay Cutler has been out of the division for a few years, there’s no one to take the negative focus off him
DOOOOONNNNTTTTT CAAAARRRREEEEE
I’m Commander Shepherd and I approve of this turnover
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HAR HAR HAR.
Heads up play by shephard
Nice INT.
Get Fucked Rodgers
That’s some Lions shit right there.
Didn’t Jimmy Graham play another sport besides football?? I thought I remembered hearing something about that.
Badminton.
Curling.
squash
These packers fans right here I call them Patriots receivers because they’re looking for a flag after every play
Breaking news: quarterback with consistently good receivers is good at football
Corollary: Wide Receive with consistently shitty quarterback is ground down out of football.
(The Ballad of Megatron)
Ponce de Leon did not find the fountain of youth apparently.
Throw your hankie and review it then you cry baby fucks
So… Green Bay 20-19 final?
Talking about Lions here. Two offensive TDs, a safety, and one pick 6 later, it’s 36-19.
Edit: Or maybe not.
Yikes, Strasburg at 115 pitch count? Time to pull his ass. So to speak.
Ok, now pull him.
Gotta. Need him for game 4 or 5.
I don’t think he’ll be available for tomorrow’s Game 4 or Wednesday’s Game 5 regardless.
I was thinking more in a relief role. But yeah, He couldn’t start again before 6 at the earliest.
Khal Drogo has returned!
So you’re in charge of making the title for a football themed slasher movie, what’s your best pun?
OJ vs Ray : Someone is going to pay and someone is going to slay.
Surprise Rae Carruth appearance
RAIDERS OF THE LOST HEISMAN
Al Davis Presents : 4th and Stitches
Illegal contact
“Unsportsmanlike conduct” could be a psychological thriller
Slay Action Pass
So like th classic SNL Sleeping with Bienemy
Ice Pick Six.
The Aaron Hernandez Retrospective
Profiles in Courage: The Craig James Story
#CJKFH
It’s been a long day. What did I miss?
Oh you know…. things
I like her enthusiasm.
Shit like that is why I’ll never tolerate packers fans complaining about the refs
Snacksack!
https://twitter.com/VinceMancini/status/1183922752144592896
Cardinals about to get it going here.
ALL OF TEH DERP!
That’s a paddling – Rodgers
Scantling ded? Watching teh beisbol
And Allison and Adams. Typhoid Rodgers
TIE BAW GAME!
That was a clean sack. Punkass Rodgers crying for a call
WWTB13D
QBs throwing egregious hospital balls should be penalties in and of themselves.
Let me get this right
Yankees = Pats/Steelers Love child
Astros = Seahawks
Cards = Greenbay
Nats = Viks
Pretty accurate as far as I can tell
Have had this in my head all day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHnNIoNUZig
Hope this will help crush the war crimes of halftime.
Antonio brown Packers turn their clogged arteries toward you
He was going for the catch. How is that a penalty?
Arm broken?
It’s another week in the NFL, another Packer sacrifice needs to be made
only a few more spins until it lands on Rodgers
Lions vs. Packers should just be the nose tackles lunging across the field and sacking the quarterback every play, the way God and Tecmo Super Bowl intended
Need to wash the horrible music taste out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLm3Khusq_8
Bro country needs to be purged.
One of the biggest reasons intelligent life from beyond the solar system knows about us, and actively avoids us.
Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.
Brass knuckle microphone. Yeah dude you’re cool….
On the sidelines? Facing away from the audience?
Brilliant!
Country music is a war crime
Not Outlaw Country.
I see the Fuck Lions are leading the Fucking Assholes. I’m sure there will be some Zebra shenanigans in favor of Rodgers coming up real soon.
The Expos are kicking some ass tonight. The best part of this game is that Booger’s voice is nowhere near here.
what’s an Expo?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hXT8SNz8Sg
Folks
I hope this party in DC is fucking killing Dan Snyder.
http://giphygifs.s3.amazonaws.com/media/CQyG19eXbeEiA/giphy.gif
Not macabre, but I want to show it all the same:
Basedball announcer just said that DC hasn’t hosted a World Series game since 1933 and that TR was President then.
Still better than any broadcast Joe Buck has ever done.
I heard that, and now I want to see them do a President’s race with FDR in a wheelchair just fucking running over everyone.
Could we get him a wheelchair like Professor X had?
Actually, a running FDR would be awesome.
I’ve seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy’s a fake. A fucking goldbrick.
If the Nationals make the World Series they should be forced to play two games, one at home and one on the road, wearing the uniforms of the Montreal Expos.
Jesus christ, if they make the series then I’ll have to deal with snotty ass Nationals fans telling me how their team is so great, and how they’ve been fans forever. Fuck you bub, I’m an Orioles fan and you’re a fucking bandwagon yuppie scumbag.
I quit being a Washington baseball fan when the Senators left town, and I never became an Orioles fan. I have stature.
When the senators left town. How old are you? 105?
Maybe he’s immortal?
All the radiation exposure. He’s actually Pierre Curie.
Didn’t they leave twice? Once to be the Twins and once to become the Rangers? Or am I drunk again?
According to Wikipedia I’m right. According to my Mom I’m smart and handsome. Each source is equally reliable.
You are correct. The last game was forfeited to the Yankees when fans stormed the field mid-game and stole the bases.
The confusion on all the bandwagon fans faces would be worth it
Stanford looking slimmer tonight, or is it just me?
Sympathy weight loss from when his wife…I can’t finish this joke. I am a horrible person
All the plus ones
You’d have been a horrible person to finish the joke. As it stand, your soul could just use a bit of dry-cleaning
Brocky’s month of macabre continues
Great movie
80s peak kids movie to horrify your kids so they won’t want to watch the same movie 50 times
Point,
Counterpoint:
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HELLO FELLOW HORNI BOI
Can we start doing Rodgers diva face? There should be some good ones as he makes a face after every pass play that doesn’t work
So the guy builds a pool to keep his daughter from becoming a tramp? Christ, just cut off one of her feet and chain her to a large rock .
The first time I saw that ad I thought the excavator was to dig a hole to stick her ungrateful body in.
The last time i saw this many dropped balls, I was changing in the gym locker room when the men’s senior yoga class was coming out of the shower
https://giphy.com/gifs/chuber-zoolander-throw-up-in-mouth-3ohzdEo7j242UsNTe8
Old guys in gym locker rooms are the most disgusting people in the world.
Lions stupidity or bias for green bay?