Oh, my goodness! Remember how excited I was last time about the Return of Temptation Island Talk? Well, this season is turning out to be better than last season. I mean shit started happening REAL QUICK!

Episode 2 aired on Thursday night last week when the Kansas City Chiefs gave the New England Patriots the AFC Championship in the second quarter. Trust me when I say that your night would have been MUCH better if you had been watching the USA Network instead of Fox.

And I include New England Patriots fans in that statement. The episode was that good!

In addition, we got a nice surprise later in the week when I realized that the USA Network had uploaded the entire episode to YouTube, just like the premiere! So, for all of you that missed it, here is the glorious second episode in its entirety:

https://youtu.be/bMdz1QGb5RY

And now, here is your recap!

***

To remind you who the players are, please see the pictures below:

The Only Person That Could Possibly Host This Show

Couple #1

Couple #2

Couple #3

Couple #4

The Singles

***

Season 2 Episode 2 Recap

The show starts with more shots of beautiful Hawaiian beaches and vistas and I really can’t believe I’ve never been to Hawaii, specially considering that I’ve lived almost my entire life in Los Angeles. That’s something I should change, but there is no way in hell I’ll be going to Temptation Island, Hawaii. I mean, unless I want a luxurious vacation breakup.

We begin with a short recap of what happened in episode 1 that’s not as good as what I wrote for you last time. Then, the theme song and opening credits start rolling. I am happy to say that the shot of White Ashley’s ass that I posted above is featured in the opening sequence. That means we will all be enjoying that ass every week.

It’s evening at the Girls’ villa and Mark L leads the coupled guys out after the “final dinner” with the girlfriends. There are tears aplenty in the villa after they leave. Black Ashley heads for her bed and Esonica goes over to console her. I’m thinking maybe she’s there to “console” her, but no, that’s not what happens.

So, Black Ashley says something really interesting. She says that “The minute he says something, I know that I’m going to overreact and I’m going to get out of character and that’s going to push him more away.” Keep that in mind as you read the rest of this recap.

The single girls are in the kitchen when the guys return and the girls are all ready to party and make the guys forget about their girlfriends.

Rick starts talking to one girl and, in the middle of the conversation, tells her, “Damn, that girl got ass!” I appreciate the sentiment, Rick, but that’s probably something you say to one of your boys, not a chick you may want to bang at some point.

I’m going to incorporate, “Y’all got backyard!” into my lexicon. Also, apparently “cakes” is new slang for ass. I did not know this. Little ass is “cupcakes” while a larger ass is “CAKES”. Don’t tell me you don’t learn anything while reading my posts. Now a lot of the Pornhub search results are starting to make sense…

Rick doesn’t want to talk about wedding cakes. Meanwhile, the single guys arrive at the Girls’ villa. Kate is reluctant to talk to anyone. Black Ashley thinks a shot of alcohol will loosen her up and release her inner “Boss Ass Bitch”. I’ll agree with her on one of those three.

Now we see party shots and the single dudes are trying to impress the girls. White Ashley loses at a game called “21” which looks to be similar to “Thumper”. At the pool, KB is talking to Black Ashley, who says she is scared of him. Just like a fat kid is scared of chocolate cake.

It’s the next morning and the singles (both girls and guys) are at the Guys’ Villa, lined up for Date Selection. This is a new thing that has started with this new edition of Temptation Island and I have to say that I think it’s a genius move. How can you pull so much drama out of an initial date selection other than by making them do it in front of their significant others?

The other thing that freaks the couples out is that they didn’t think they were going to see their significant others until the end. That’s a nice little curveball Mark L and the team has thrown. Very well done!

Kate goes first and chooses Dominique because they have similar interests in “fitness and health”. Yeah, sure, Kate. Everyone on this fucking island is interested in fitness and health. Have you not been paying attention when they take their shirts off?

Next up is Black Ashley, who chooses KB, the guy she’s supposedly “scared of”.

It is now White Ashley’s turn and she chooses Deac, who is surprisingly not from Southern California.

Finally, Esonica chooses Kareem “My name is Roger Murdock” Thomas.

It’s now the guys’ turn to choose dates and, since Kate went first, David goes first. He chooses Kari, a Jersey girl, and Kate thinks David chose Kari because she’s not his type and to make Kate feel more comfortable. Yes, these are the thoughts going through desperate women’s minds. All you youngsters need to learn from this.

Rick then chooses Medinah, which is the girl he was talking to while admiring another girl’s ass. Interesting choice, but you do you, Rick. Black Ashley wants to “punch her in the fucking throat” and that doesn’t seem like an appropriate response. Does she realize where she is? I mean, he’s supposed to date other people.

It is now Casey’s turn and he chooses Payton who, according to White Ashley, looks like her and is short and Casey likes short girls. She says that “maybe she’s like the most confident girl ever and I’m not” and I’m not going to disagree with you there, Ashley. Honestly, I’ve met strippers with higher self-esteem than you.

Finally, Gavin chooses Toneata and Mark L has noticed that the guys have all let the single girls walk in front of them. Well, no shit, Mark L! I mean, how else are you going to check out their asses right in front of their soon-to-be-former girlfriends?

Mark L now stokes the fires by asking the couples questions about their significant others’ choice of dates. This leads to this exchange:

Do you remember what I wrote above about Black Ashley overreacting? Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? I mean seriously, he just said she’s free to choose who she wants to choose. Isn’t that the whole point of Temptation Island?!?

Yeah. This ain’t ending well.

The other interesting piece that gets revealed is that David is a full-on Latino because he tells Mark L that he chose Kari because he didn’t have a chance to speak with her and wanted to give her a chance. Of course, he later admits that he didn’t want to admit he had a connection with Kari with his girlfriend sitting right there. That kind of underhanded shit works in the real world, but this is Temptation Island and that gets found out pronto.

Back at the Girls’ villa, Black Ashley complains to KB that Rick “curbed” her and I guess that’s another slang term the youngsters use that I, as an old, don’t understand. I do understand, however, that Black Ashley is a Size Queen because she’s staring at KB’s feet and asks him what size shoe he wears. He replies “13” and I can hear the dripping from here.

White Ashley is talking to Deac about Casey and complaining about something. All I know is that I bet you a cameraman told them, “I don’t give a shit what you two blather on about, but can you sit right there so I can take this shot?”

I’m guessing the dates will take place the following day because it seems a bit too late to go out. Then again, remember I’m an old.

I think I’m right because it’s party night at each of the villas and everyone is again getting to know each other. Kari and David might be complete opposites, but that won’t stop them from banging later in the series, I’m sure.

It turns out it’s Casey’s birthday and wouldn’t that be a shitty way to spend your birthday? I mean, at least get some Birthday Sex with your girlfriend before going to Temptation Island, no? I’m highly doubtful Casey will get Birthday Sex from any of the singles so soon.

Some of the single girls give him lap dances and, bless their hearts, they’re trying their best even though they’ve got small breastesses. They resort to using their perky cupcakes. Rick asks the rhetorical question, “Who doesn’t appreciate a nice twerk?” No one, Rick. No one.

Casey takes his shirt off and starts posing muscle man poses and I’m sorry, dude, you may be in this year’s version of the dorky white couple, but Evan’s got you for muscles by a long shot.

Meanwhile, in the Girls’ villa, KB is talking to Black Ashley by the pool deck and is asking her how much she wants to feel guilty about. She replies that the handcuffs are off, so…

Yes, that’s KB fucking Black Ashley BEFORE THE FIRST FUCKING DATE!

Let that one sink in for a bit. I’ll wait….

You there yet? Ok, a little more…

What the shit, right? Ms. I’m So Jealous of that Bitch That I Want To Choke Her is getting drilled by Mr. #13 Shoe Size just because Rick said he wasn’t handcuffing her? I just LOVE that piece of crazy woman logic.

You KNOW Rick is seeing that at bonfire, right? I mean, if he doesn’t, you might as well just cancel this show right now. I bet you the editors were reviewing the footage from last night’s hidden cameras and thinking they could put down a deposit on that house in Brentwood because this show’s getting picked up for three seasons after this.

The next morning, Black Ashley tells the other girls what happened and their reaction cracks me up. Kate was NOT expecting anyone to hook up on the first date and I feel compelled to point out that they banged BEFORE THE FIRST DATE EVEN STARTED! Of course, Kate thinks that Rick has done a lot of bad things too and I’m pretty sure that’s how Kate rationalized her cheating on her ex-husband.

Of course, in typical girl fashion, she makes it about her and wonders if David is banging girls already. Give him time, Kate, give him time. Did you ever hear the one about the two bulls at the top of the hill?

Quite frankly, the rest of the episode feels like the long wait on Christmas Eve before we can open up the presents. The only thing that matters now is Rick’s reaction.

For the sake of giving you a complete and accurate recap of the episode, I can tell you that the boys are driving Jeeps with their dates and going on picnics. In the meantime, the girls are all on a boat with their dates.

Kate and her date and her stupid hat talk about her relationship and bore me to tears. Seriously, this girl is not trying to have fun at all. White Ashley is on the same boat, literally and figuratively, as she is sitting pretty far away from Deac and totally friendzoning him.

Esonica is nervous while her nipples are desperately trying to escape the clutches of her bathing suit top. Seriously, I don’t think I can embed the screenshot for fear of pissing off the DFO overlords.

Black Ashley, on the other hand, has apparently shaken off her guilt and wants KB to sit closer to her. She wants to make sure KB is the right guy now and I’ll be real interested to see if KB wants to go for the Daily Double and bang White Ashley. I mean, she has the shitty self-esteem to do it, but isn’t that just shooting fish in a barrel?

I’m sorry, but I just had to share this with you:

Kate’s date has that “I just want to get the hell out of this date” look that I’ve had many a time in my life. I’m watching this and thinking that I’ve responded in the exact same way whenever I’ve realized the girl in front of me is nuts. Which, in LA, is often.

David apologizes to Kari for saying that they didn’t have a connection and she understands. He wants an independent girl and that’s code for he wants to bang away without getting tied down. The jury is out on whether Kari is down with that.

Esonica literally and figuratively keeps her date “at arm’s length” and I can’t wait for the bonfire so the white coupled girls can loosen the fuck up. BTW, Esonica totally has the Jenny From The Block/ Annoying White Men Can’t Jump Chick accent that pops out whenever she gets emotional. I’m sure we will be hearing much more of that later in the season.

Toneata asks Gavin if he thinks his girlfriend is the one and he says he can’t give an honest answer and that he’s still evaluating. You know THAT is getting played at bonfire!

Rick likes Medinah’s smile and her ass, respectively. It’s fine because Medinah is ok with him appreciating another girl’s ass. He’s pretty happy and that will change soon.

Black Ashley and KB are on the beach and I’m surprised they’re not fucking. It’s a public beach, so that’s probably why although I really wouldn’t put it past them. More likely, the producers told them that they want to be able to come back to Hawaii next season so to please wait until they get back to the villa.

The funny part is that Black Ashley is now getting all sentimental and she thinks she is connecting emotionally with KB and I have a feeling that KB is going to realize how batshit crazy she is and is going to run for the hills. At least I hope he does.

Finally, Mark L arrives at the Girls’ villa and announces that tonight there will be bonfire. We’ve finally arrived at the moment this episode has been building towards! Of course, I know this episode will end on Rick’s video, so we will need to wait until the others are over.

***

Bonfire!

Mark L introduces the concept of bonfire to the girls and asks Black Ashley if she has had any revelations about her relationship. Black Ashley does not answer that she had a revelation that she didn’t like Rick’s dick no more. Instead, she says some bullshit about fighting off temptations.

Mark L does not ask the girls whether they want to see the video alone or together. Everyone will see and hear everything. It’s much better this way, I think.

Mark L starts with White Ashley. She sees the girls giving Casey his birthday lap dances and she immediately starts crying. Mark L asks her why and, in the course of asking her questions, asks the real CRUCIAL question, “Do you think you’re good enough for him?”

Black Ashley tells White Ashley that she is and Black Ashley needs to go to the kitchen and eat a bowl of Shut The Fuck Up cereal. White Ashley keeps crying and says that she’s been better than him and that he’s being disrespectful to her. I don’t have the heart to tell her that respect flew out the window the moment they landed in Hawaii. Anyone with any amount of respect for their partner wouldn’t take them to Temptation Island.

Mark L tells her that she is right where she needs to be and he’s right. She needs to work on herself before she can be in any kind of relationship. Another reason why I love Mark L and I love this show.

Kate is next and, sure enough, she sees David apologizing to Kari for saying that they didn’t have a connection. She is NOT happy.

Esonica is next and she sees Gavin tell Toneata that he’s not sure about Esonica being the one. She complains about him talking about her to someone else and she has a point. He brought her here and maybe that should be a sign for Esonica that maybe he’s not right for her?

Finally, it’s Black Ashley’s turn and she sees Rick holding Medinah’s hand while walking on a rocky cliff. She knows it’s innocent and she reveals that she feels guilty about what Rick is going to see. Mark L is understanding but is secretly thrilled. With that, he lets them go.

It’s now the guys’ turn and, on the ride there, David says that if he sees Kate doing something physically with anyone, that’s it for him. Rick says that he doesn’t think he’s going to see anything that’s crazy or wild or that will disrespect him and I’m just

The first guy to see his video is Casey. Mark L smartly prefaces the videos by saying that “every emotion you feel at bonfire is an answer to a question about how legit is your relationship”. That’s just good setup right there.

Casey sees White Ashley on the boat talking about her feeling uncomfortable about his previous relationships. He doesn’t understand her insecurities but is looking for ways to be a better partner. I’m not sure if I want them to stay together or to break up. She needs a LOT of work and I’m not sure Casey is up to the task.

David is next and sees Kate telling her date that she loves David and sees herself marrying him. David thinks that it’s pretty innocent and only a positive.

Gavin sees Kareem trying to pry about the relationship and Esonica not saying much. He’s proud of her respecting the relationship and that’s funny in how she thinks the total opposite.

Finally, we get to Rick. Mark L lets the moment marinate like a juicy steak by pointing out that he “feels” Rick and there’s nothing better than a white man trying to talk black to a black man. He also says that he feels like Rick is in love with Black Ashley and Rick doesn’t disagree.

This is why I love this show. That shit is about to change in less than 30 seconds. Here are the money reaction shots:

And that’s all she wrote. Here’s a preview clip for next week’s episode:

***

Predicciones

Here’s the way I see it:

• Rick Astley: Fucked BEFORE THE FIRST DATE!
• Ashley and Casey: Depressingly Fucked
• Esonica and Gavin: Respect Fucked
• Kate and David: Jodidos y no lo saben.

I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Thursday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Thursday (Episode 1 airs TONIGHT!) on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. For now, the first two episodes are on YouTube for free through the USA Network’s YouTube channel. You can also catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

See you next week!

(129/69)