Your “Step Right Up, Good Seats Still Available!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

A partially-closed DeShaun Watson eye scans the NFL…

Fallout:

-Kenyan Drake is off to the desert. He’ll likely get the start on Thursday night because David Johnson is limpy and Chase Edmonds is gimpy. Somehow Kalen Ballage will vulture his only TD opportunity.

-Speaking of those Cards, guess which O has the lowest # of turnovers in the league at 4? Ya hear that, Danny TenCent?

-DL Leonard Williams heads to The Big Crapple for a 3rd and a 5th. It makes all kinds of not-sense, playing a fella for 8 games before his contract runs out. The Jets will be paying 80% of his remaining salary though. Twitter speculation says that the Giants have a verbal agreement in hand. We shall see.

-Other news out in the NFLsphere says that the Potato Skins are willing to listen to trade offers for Trent Williams-less than 24 hours before the trade deadline of 4pm EST. Look, I’m willing to dump on this witless franchise as much as any German scat kunstlerin is on the chest of a hairy middle-aged businessman but this is just a matter of returning some phone calls that were made over the last two months.

-Everyone marvels about the Pats “historic” D but San Franny is only giving up an average of 128 yards passing per game. Yeah, the Pats are in 2nd with 148 but the Niners average over the last 3 games has been 66.

TO THE GAME!

Fins/Steelers:

These guys are 2-10 combined. Abysmally average Mark Walton takes the helm as Miami’s go-to back. He’ll set the world or his offensive line on fire-there is no in-between! You’re here because your sense of humor veers toward the macabre or you’re behind in fantasy and need JuJu to come up with some points. Hell, we don’t discriminate here-think of DFO as a wide-open trench coat, inviting one and all to have a good, hard, lingering look at all the goods on offer.

I can’t hear any tippity tapping. But I can hear a police car siren. Gotta Go!

 

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Covalent Blonde

Hey guys, I need some bear advice. I live in an area thick with bears and I just nearly froze my tits off because this one big lumbering asshat just decided to have a sit down in front of my deck while I was out taking my rubbish to the bin in my pyjamas. He jusssssssssst sat there. until he decided to amble onward.

What are my available options? Does anyone know if I should have clapped or made precisely the same sounds I make at the raccoons to try to get them to fuck off–which is probably equally unsuccessful?

Suggestions?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Depends upon a few things. Best to avoid if you can, of course. But sounds like this kid was BBQ’ing. If your path back to an entrance to the house isn’t cut off, move slowly and calmly toward it, keeping your eye on Beary McBearface just in case. If he moves towards you or shows aggressive posture then you start yelling and clapping. Try to make yourself look as big and mean as possible. Keep going (maybe a little faster now, but don’t run) toward an entrance if you can get to one.

Don’t climb a tree.

Invest in a can of pepper spray to use as a last resort if he gets too close before you can make it to a door.

Usually once they know you’re there, even if you don’t take an aggressive posture, they’ll take off. The biggest exception there being if there are cubs nearby.

Covalent Blonde

Which is totally what I thought he would do! He looked over his shoulder at me when he heard the clang of the bear bin locking and just sat the fuck down! I know we have tons of bears and we are very proud of our local bear population so I am assuming this hyper-chill attitude comes from just constant exposure because clearly only one of us was having a problem with this!

I am thinking I bring my keys with me. If it happens again I can just set off my car alarm to startle him.

Thank you for the advice, lovely! I appreciate it. I’ll keep it in mind shall McBearface and I meet again!

As an aside: totally thought of black bears as crepuscular! I did not anticipate a late night rendezvous after getting off of work!

Brick Meathook

Are you in Tahoe? Don’t even go near a fucking bear. They are feeding to go into hibernation and if they aren’t fat enough they can panic. It is instinctive life and death to them. There is plenty of bear safety information available everywhere in Tahoe and everywhere around it. That’s where I learned all that.

Covalent Blonde

Yuppers! As a matter of fact I am in Tahoe! Good to know. I have been around black bears for years, just have never had such a huge resident population. On a shockingly rarely basis my coworkers are showing me pictures of their cars or their neighbour’s cars wrecked by bears!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I could take Liberace in a fight.

NO RINGS!!!!!

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
theeWeeBabySeamus

Monday night, calm and clear as a bell outside. No rain, no wind whatsoever. And inexplicably the power goes out for three hours. Yay foar living in the sticks.

Although I did tell Mom that at least we don’t have wildfires knocking at the door.

Then I took a nap.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Could not resist.

Mr. Ayo

She is hot.

And puts out.

Don’t see why you would.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And his mom get discount meds via medicaid.

ALXMAC
ballsofsteelandfury

Well that was fun!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Well, that explains the towels at that AirBnB.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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???

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I watched no football this weekend. Kinda fun.

Senor Weaselo

Shit, when’s the last time I watched football?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450

Call me NOT Laura Ingalls Wilder cause I’m not saying “good night” to Mark Walton.

SonOfSpam

(He likes to be called “Mark-Boy”)

Gatoraids

And another one

Senor Weaselo

Shit, the Knicks won? Are they allowed to do that?

SonOfSpam

Probably because of one of their new guys. They’ll get with the program soon enough.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, that’s that. Night all.

SonOfSpam

Now that the Chargers fired their OC, think anyone else will take a Whis?

herodotus450

Didn’t someone predict earlier that the Lolfins could just tell Fitzy to throw some int’s in the second half to preserve their perfect record, and no one would suspect a thing?

SonOfSpam

I doubt he would do that; he went to Harvard. Most people don’t know that.

herodotus450

I heard he played basketball, too.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Come on FitzGibbons, Gimme All Your Fitzmagic Lovin’

Col. Duke LaCross

I was briefly worried I wasn’t gonna get my Dolphins HC points this week. Flores is gonna outscore half the guys on my offense.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Fuck a JJ Watt tweet. don’t talk about that shit, broadcast team.

Mr. Ayo

Remember when the LOLfins were up 14?

Dunstan

Not even Pepperidge Farms remembers that.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Replace your divot, Mr. Conner.

Gatoraids

Haven’t seen someone eat that much bush since the 70s

ballsofsteelandfury

That deserves a banner

yeah right

What is easily the most infuriating aspect of the review system is the league plants in the booth. The former officials ALWAYS agree with the review outcome no matter how wrong it obviously is. As if you non professionals even know this game!
Fucking bullshit.

herodotus450

I love how they have one job: to explain the details of some rule that they should know, and they usually fuck it up every time.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“They are assassins. They are assassins that are taking information from the Democrats on the Intelligence Committee and they are spreading it out there.” – Devin Nunes, today

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream. That’s my nightmare: crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor…and surviving.” – Devin Nunes, next week

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Fuck, here we go again.
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SonOfSpam

Ladies, check tampon fit BEFORE swimming.

WCS

We need a .gif of the kid behind Flores rocking out to MetallicA IMMEDIATELY.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I see the dolphins have fucked up the Steelers attempts to gift them a win

Dunstan

Empathically so.

Gatoraids

Dolphins gam plan from WWII
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Doktor Zymm

I wonder how common terrible towel injuries are?

Dunstan

Do “friction burns on the penis” count?

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Viva La Tabula Raza

OK, this is finally turning into the shitshow I expected.

Mr. Ayo

Hasn’t it been 15 actual minutes since the last play? WTH is going on here?

These teams are irrelevant, this game is irrelevant, let’s get it going.

hippofant

The guys who keep highlighting the wrong players on telestrators and calling the wrong players’ names are wondering why the officials can’t just GO FASTER???!!!

Senor Weaselo

It’s the inverse of game recognize game.

Dunstan

“Can we stop with metal sticks and chains in this sport?”

HELL YES.

Senor Weaselo

No, because who needs an exact ten yards using technology anyway?

herodotus450

The folks down at the bdsm club aren’t gonna respond well to that.

Doktor Zymm
WCS

This week in Is It a First Down?

Gatoraids

Time to bring out the chains
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King Hippo

how is this dumb challenge still even being reviewed?

Gatoraids

What incurable venereal disease can the Dolphins pull from their bag of tricks now

King Hippo

penicillin resistant gonorrhea it is!

Gatoraids

When you fuck both hemispheres at the same damn time

Doktor Zymm

“Tertiary Syphilis or CTE” is the hot new game at neurology conventions