Well. What can I say? What can anyone say? This is one of the worst seasons in the history of the Cincinnati Bengals. The maddening thing is that with talent, this isn’t a 0-8 team. Not even close! Even with an Offensive Line who look less like blockers and more like with hostesses escorting defenders to the ball carrier and a defense that looks like its playing with their shoelaces tied together, they still have an above average quarterback, two talented running backs, and a young wide receiving corps that is showing more flashes of brilliance each week.
This may come as a shock to some of you, but the Bengals have been 0-8 before. A quick glance at Wikipedia show’s they’ve been 0-8 seven times.
1978 Cincinnati Bengals: This was the season the Bengals crashed and burned after Paul Brown decided not to promote Bill Walsh to head coach, most probably out of jealousy that Walsh was getting all the credit for the proto-West Coast Offense. Excuse me a moment.
1991 Cincinnati Bengals: This was the season that Paul Brown passed away and Mike Brown took over. That, and injuries derailed this season resulting in Sam Wyche getting fired because he refused to do things Mike Brown’s way.
1993-1994 Cincinnati Bengals: This was the middle of the Lost Decade. All good players bolted once Free Agency became a thing and everyone that remained or were drafted were doomed to play for Cincinnati.
2002 Cincinnati Bengals: This was the Lost Decade’s Finale, and the season before Marvin Lewis took over. Without a doubt the worst season in Bengals History. If it wasn’t for the expansion Texans and a sleepwalking Saints team, this would’ve been the first team to go 0-16.
2008 Cincinnati Bengals: Carson Palmer got hurt and Fitzmagic made his first appearance. Chad Johnson was into full Diva mode where practice was optional. The Bengals tried to make Chris Perry a thing.
Note: With the exception of 1994, the Bengals have always won the 9th game after starting 0-8. Not sure if this team can pull this off against Baltimore, but history is on their side.
With the exception of 1991 and 2008, the common thread in these seasonal abominations is coaching, and the truth is it’s the same in 2019. I was willing to give Zac Taylor the benefit of the doubt, but it should be painfully obvious by now that if you don’t have an offensive line, then you can’t run the ball up the middle and you can’t play a normal offense. History has shown Andy Dalton has played better in no huddle offenses with 1-to-3 steps drops and quick releases, which is pretty much all this line can afford him. We even see signs of this when the Bengals have to play with urgency at the end of the halves and Dalton suddenly starts making completions. But sadly, the first eight games have shown that Taylor is set in his ways, which should serve him well when he’s applying for jobs as a WR Coach in the NCAA in two years.
It would be comforting to say the Bengals are tanking for a high draft pick, but the sad thing is they are actually trying. They haven’t quit on the rookie coach or each other. They haven’t started looking forward to the off season or free agency. They are trying their honest best effort and that resulted in 0-8. The Dolphins are tanking more than General Patton to get the top pick; the Bengals are doing it naturally.
And strangely, its kind of comforting. After years of playoff losses and under performing teams, we have a team that is obviously bad. They may go 0-16, assuming the Dolphins don’t field a team of actual dolphins in Week 16. There is no doubt, no fear, no regret for a what-shouda-been or what-coulda-been. After eight games, I know exactly what the Cincinnati Bengals are.
The Cincinnati Bengals suck. And I’m okay with that. It is what it is.
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off are and remain the property of their respective studios and/or owners.
The Pain in Cincy is parody video by Ben Grant and Simon McCord which is a parody cover of The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. Grant and McCord own the rights to the parody and Simon and Garfunkel own the rights to the original song. Please see Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc. in regards to ownership rights for parodies.
Aw, son of a bitch!
The More You Know PSA campaign is owned by NBC
All Cincinnati Bengals images and descriptions are owned by the Cincinnati Bengals and the National Football League, and like or not, they gotta own up to this.
Wait, I thought the Bengals were owned by the Pittsburgh Steelers
As always, thanks for your reading, your comments and your wellness checks.
That was great.
BREAKING NEWS – Red Rocket has been benched, and it shall be Ryan Finley time after the bye.
The Red Rocket problem has been fixed? Poor doggie, I’ll give him some frozen peas for the pain.
This also brings NC State (aka QBU) alumni up to:
Starters (4) – Russell Wilson, Laserface, Jacoby Brissett, Ryan Finley
2nd String (1) – Mike Glennon
Damn it; you beat….. me to that joke. A joke I probably will never cease chuckling at. GOOD DOG!
[…] watched opposing teams celebrate at New Era Field many many times before. Visualization of the Bengals Bye Week Update. Approximately 2.5 hours later, the Chicago Bears would lose this game. Baker Mayfield: […]
I dunno — fuck Ohio?
THEE Ohio.
The vultures are feasting on deadspin, Barry just got fired for not sticking to sports, fucking burn that shit down.
I love your forgiveness for Dalton. So kind…
If they put him on the stake they couldn’t tell if he was on fire until the end.
Not since Sylvia Plath have I been able to read so much pain in every word. I hope your home has electric appliances.
He keeps the toaster next to the tub, just in case…
I would imagine the Bungles have their own Team Official ™ line of suicide toasters
Yeah, but they have at least a 50% failure rate. They almost kill you, but fail at the critical moment.
Regardless, Mike Brown wants them back after you’re “done” with them. He’ll bill your estate for shipping.
Who knew that 25 years later, Luther Campbell and 2 Live Crew would be most remembered as heroes for First Amendment and Fair Use?
Come to think of it, who knew they would be remembered at all?
“All Cincinnati Bengals images and descriptions are owned by the Cincinnati Bengals and the National Football League, and like or not, they gotta own up to this.”
