The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. The NFL season is a reality for 28 or so teams, so the floodgates are open for fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

Hey, sports fans, it’s me, BFC, and after a little unearned time off, I’m back with another edition of Mouth Flies Open, the column where if you have questions, I’ll answer them, and if you don’t, then you can fuck right off and I’ll answer questions sent to someone else. The Bears have a solid grip on last place in the NFC North, making me look dumber than Sports Illustrated, but hey, at least I’m not G/O Media.  That’s the BFC guarantee–I’m going to tell you like it is, even if I’m wrong, but I won’t come to your house and shit on your carpet like an herb. So with that, to the [email protected] mailbox!

Good afternoon,

My name is [REDACTED] and I represent [REDACTED]. Our web properties are the leader in sports odds and reviews [EDITOR’S NOTE: False].

We would love to publish an article on Doors Files Open. Our request is that the article shows as No sponsored and has a Do-Follow link back to us. We can cover you financially via Paypal once the article is posted.

We have a great set of writers that will assure the content feels natural on your site.

Please let me know how to proceed from here or please forward this to the correct person to handle this request.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards;

Oh goddammit. Dear [REDACTED]: The only thing worse than a sponsored post is a LYING sponsored post. That and ripping out the heart and soul (and joy) of all that is good in this messed up world. As noted in Rikki’s Welcome post, we don’t do ads here. So the answer is (homage to Drew) a HEARTY FUCK YOU to you and your allegedly popular gambling site. But we will answer non-spam letters that come into [email protected], so send in those advice requests! In the meantime, let’s see what else we’ve got.

Dear Mouth Flies Open–

I recently left a good job in one part of the Northeast for a competing firm in the same region. As soon as I left, my former colleagues earned the highest honor in our field. Was I holding them back?

Bryce H., Philadelphia

Yes. And congrats to your former colleagues. And fuck Osuna.

Speaking of labor issues with employees seeking a job elsewhere, let’s turn to Ask a Manager to a very on-brand for DFO post:

I went to work for a start-up company that said they were aiming to be a girl-power, female-focused website. I was a bit underpaid, but it was okay because I was learning a lot, logging big accomplishments, and getting all kinds of new things to put on my resume.

Then the CEO decided they could make more money if they became a porn site. Not a classy porn site … a sleazy porn site with ads promoting sleazy prescription drug companies. I’m fine with ethical porn, but this is not ethical – and I would not want a porn company on my resume due to the negative effects on my future employment.

This goes completely against my values, so I quit. But what do I do with my resume? I don’t want to point anyone to the company because yeesh. The CEO has offered to be a reference but I’m concerned about being linked to the site, and in addition she is noticeably drunk on phone calls about 10% of the time, which is a higher percentage than I’m comfortable with.

Ah, the old my company turned into a porn site so should I not put it on my resume conundrum.  Happens to the best of us. I’m pretty confident that an employer isn’t going to hold it against you that you LEFT the startup once it turned to porn, but honestly, way better to have that conversation than the “what’s with this long gap in employment history” discussion, which has suddenly gone from fine to not-getting-an-interview level of a problem. As Alison from Ask A Manager’s advice implies, the odds that the startup still has the same name while operating as a porn site are very low, so figure out the pre-porn d/b/a name and go from there. And on the bright side, if you do want to get into porn, this job is a nice entry point. But for this gig, just be upfront of why you left and why you don’t want a reference from a drunk porny CEO. I’ve had applicants tell me not to call a particular reference, and while that’s a minor flag, as long as there are other people to talk to, it isn’t a deal breaker. I guess net-net, better to leave the porn site on the resume than to not have it on your resume and still be working at the porn site.

Next, let’s go to a source I haven’t previously mined, the Nation’s advice column by Liza Featherstone–

Our unincorporated community in Northern California has been economically depressed (though culturally rich) for decades. We have struggled just to get sidewalks and streetlights on our main street.

So basically, your neighbors object to the values of the rich people funding YOU? Yeah, that’s a shocker.

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

“Hey, it’s me, totally not-a-fancy dog, Tom Brady. And if there’s one thing I know a lot about, it’s getting the benefit of the doubt for being in the right place at the right time. Also, being a complete fucking shill for my corporate overlords who are totally NOT promising me points on the back end for taking below market contracts during my playing career. Because even when you’re rich like me, there is nothing more important than continuing to lubricate the gears of the machine that make things go and keep power entrenched where it is. Even if it isn’t in the interest of my teammates or the greater good, it’s good for me, and that’s all that really matters. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make jokes about how nothing I say should be taken seriously or impact my bottom line no matter how dumb or bigoted it is.”

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Finally, let’s go back to a fave and close out with a slightly older but just as fun Ask A Manager question–

My office prides itself on our fun, casual culture and how we are all a “family.” I’m not a fan of this, but I’ve been working there for almost three years and it’s been okay, if slightly annoying at times, until now. Two and a half months ago at an after-work happy hour event, a bunch of us were discussing movies when the conversation turned to When Harry Met Sally and from there to the scene where Meg Ryan simulates an orgasm. Some female employees –including multiple managers and people from several departments — then decided to have a contest to see who could fake it the best. I did not participate in either the contest or the judging and was a bit uncomfortable, but it also was pretty funny and after work hours, so I didn’t really worry about it too much.

If it had just been the one time, I would still have that attitude, but the department that works next to mine has decided to make this a regular event. I don’t think it’s a contest anymore and not everyone in the department participates, but “Fake it Friday” happens every week. This would be bad enough on its own, but to make it worse, I work in customer support and the noises are loud enough that I worry customers can hear them on the other end of the phone. Our headsets are very sensitive, and I know customers can often hear the sounds of people talking, though never clearly enough to know what they’re saying.

I’ve mentioned to my manager that the noise travels, and she asked their manager, Kate, to have them keep it down, but Kate doesn’t want to tell them to stop altogether because she thinks it helps them blow off steam. They did get quieter for two weeks, but then got loud again.

The real problem is less the volume and more the fact that it’s happening at all, but I don’t know how to address it. I know that I’m not the only one in my department who is uncomfortable, but everyone else seems to be writing it off as part of our “fun” office. As far as I know, no one feels sexually harassed, but it feels like something that could be brought up in a lawsuit if someone chose to bring one. For what it’s worth, no one in the other department seems pressured to participate — about half of them fake it on any given Friday, and I haven’t noticed any repercussions for those who choose not to, though I’m obviously not sure.

Our HR is generally not very effective (because we’re “all family”), and I tend to think that HR is usually not the answer anyway, but I don’t really know where to go from here. I’m not going to ask if this is normal or appropriate, because I refuse to believe that it is, but is there anything I can do?

Wow. That is more words than Tom Brady is capable of reading. Also, this is Buccaneers/Jets front office caliber management. There are some big gray areas at work for what’s “fun” vs “inappropriate” but outside of on-set at a porno, I can’t think of an office where this is close to ok. 80% of NFL owners and the entirety of the NFL network may disagree, but damn, this is totally fucked up. This type of HR department should be burned to the ground, so I would see if you can find at least an ally or two in that whole office to join in on filing a complaint, possibly even observing how MASSIVE of a legal liability this is, with customers and employees alike exposed to harassment. And if you can’t find a single person to be on your side here, time to GTFO.

That’s it for this week’s mailbag, hope my VORP is better than Mitch Trubisky’s. See you ’round the clubouse, and congratulations to the Patriots on unburdening themselves of the drive for perfection this season.

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Want to hear about all the injuries I’m already dealing with in a keeper league? No one ever does, so just let me know if you need advice! Email [email protected] with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!