Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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[Slow fade in to EXT. – a shabby rowhouse in South Boston.]

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[Cut to INT. of the shabby rowhouse. Beer cans litter the ground, as a man lies passed out on the floor, snoring.]

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[A second man enters through the front door, gingerly stepping around the mess.]

[Pan to a shot of the unconscious man, snoring loudly, as a small notebook lies open to a page spilling over with words. The second man enters the room, and picks up the book. Squinting hard, he brings it close to his face as he looks over the surprisingly elegant handwriting.]

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Wins are meaningless. Losses are meaningless. Sports are meaningless. Life is meaningless. Existence is meaningless.

A perfect season is no longer possible. Tom Brady’s ride into the sunset just got that much more difficult. Even another Super Bowl win won’t satiate his needs now – or mine. 

Vengeance can only take you so far. After a while, the pursuit of vengeance becomes dull, like the blade of one’s sword after slaughtering every last enemy. 

No, the only pursuit that will burn endlessly with passion is that of perfection. Without perfection, one can never be a master of a craft. To claim otherwise is for fools and layabouts, weak individuals who have never amounted to anything in their lives. 

This is why we, as Patriots fans, should never lower our standards ever again. The precedent has been set. A Super Bowl is no longer enough. Multiple Super Bowls is no longer enough. Soon, even a perfect 19-0 will no longer be enough. No, the goal of perfection is control. Complete domination in the pursuit of perfection is the most beautiful concept imaginable. 

And that is why it is time to rise up and think beyond the confines of a child’s game. Yes, the ultimate goal in the pursuit of perfection is a perfect world. And that begins with the confines of New England. Indeed, what we have here is a shining model to the rest of the planet on the potential of what can happen if we allow white men to… 

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SULLY: Jesus. A fackin’ diary? What ahh you, a queeah? You get fackin’ dahk aftah a Ravens loss. Maybe back off on the Sam Adams a little?

TAWMMY: [stirring surprisingly quickly] FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ FACK! LAMAHHHH EMBARRASSED US AND I WANT SOME FACKIN’ ANSAHS NOW.

[He pauses, putting hand to forehead]

TAWMMY: OH, WAIT, FACK. MY FACKIN’ HEAD.

[TAWMMY leans towards an empty chip bag, spews hard in it, and fumbles for his dip can to pack another lip]

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SULLY: Not now, chief. You’ve had a laaaaaaawng night, bahd. I think you need a little sleep and a little watah.

TAWMMY: BUT WHAT ABOUT OWAH FACKIN’ REVOLUTION? HOW AHHH WE SUPPOSED TO RALLY SUPPOAHT FOAH A MOVEMENT BASED ON PERFECTION IF SHIT ISN’T FACKIN’ PERFECT ANYMOAH?

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SULLY: They nevah should have sent you to fackin’ college.

[TAWMMY slumps back over, falling back asleep, murmuring to himself]

TAWMMY: LAMAAAaaahhhhh… [snores]

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[SULLY grabs a mouldy blanket and drapes it over his sleeping friend. As he leaves, he pockets the diary left open on the ground.]

SULLY: [Muttering to himself] Not a bad writah, though. It’s fackin’ borin’ and I ain’t get a fackin’ wohd of it, but it sounds smaht, probahbly. Maybe he’s gonna get one a’ dem Penthouse columns one day? Or work for dat Bill Simmons guy? Eh, fack it. Gotta stop doing boring-ass diary Unabombah shit, and he’ll be fine. We’ll all be fine. Gotta stop sweatin’ the small stuff so much. Heh.

[SULLY heads out again, gingerly clambouring over the mess once more, whistling “Sweet Caroline” to himself as he heads out the door.]

[Fade out]

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
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Rikki-Tikki-DeadlySenor WeaseloHoratio CornblowerTheRevanchistUnsurprised Recent comment authors
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Senor Weaselo

This was so dark Tawmmy dreamt of committing a hate crime towards it.

Horatio Cornblower

Fahckin’ Maestro’s fahkin Pats previews and updates are as fahckin’ awesome as a fresh tin of Kodiak and a sixer of Sam Adams.

TheRevanchist

We all know Billy Boy threw that game on purpose. Didn’t change defensive schemes. Doesn’t want to be undefeated leading into the playoffs and have the team be over confident. Making a playoff rival believe they have the answer for the Patriots. This stinks of a ploy only that dastardly coach would be able to pull off.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Somehow every D still gets hit with Pass Interference flags this weekend for just thinking about touching TAWMMY

rockingdog
rockingdog

LOL this is great

Gratliff

Been stumbling across a lot of archived TAWMMY lately
https://www.sporks.org/blog/?p=517

Tommy: NO! Nawt until I rank the most impahhhtant title wins of awll time! REAL SPARTS FANS RANK THINGS!

1. 200FAHHHH RED SAWX
2. 2007 Red Sawx
3. ’86 Celtics. GREATEST HALFCART TEAM OF AWLL TIME! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
4. ’01 Pats! The Pats were-ah the Saints befahhhhh the Saints were-ah the Saints! Rawd Rust! Dick MacFeeeyahhhson! Tony Eason! Need I say facki’n more-ah?!
5. ’08 Celtics. BUT KEVIN GAHHHNETT HAS BAD KNEES NOW AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

Porky Prime
Porky Prime
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh my god it’s so true. I haven’t been watching the Raiders this year and I’ve drank a LOT less. Tonight I only had one glass of whiskey and a beer. Last night I only had a single Manhattan. The night before that I had *nothing*!

Game Time Decision

Is Sully Scotchy? The “niceness” with the mouldy blanket makes me think he’s just getting Tawmmy to lower his guard

nomonkeyfun

comment image?resize=550%2C351&ssl=1

I know this picture isn’t from some Southie rowhouse. No needles or pills.

King Hippo

hey y’all, somebody say PILLS??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or any Twisted Tea.

Old School Zero

/looks at remaining P*ts schedule

Jeebus. Last time I saw someone tackle that many cupcakes, I got arrested and my Jason Whitlock bakery snuff film was permanently encased in concrete. So, maybe one more loss if Mahomes is healthy, but otherwise this team is going to get fat and stupid and lose early in the playoffs.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

BREAKING: Variety reports that distribution rights for “Untitled Jason Whitlock Bakery Snuff Film” have been acquired by Lionsgate

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

This is beautiful. Poignant yet disgusting, like a German art film.

Foxborough still delenda est, though.

SonOfSpam

I have some German “art” films I can share if you’d like.

The “art” is dark and disturbing.

It’s poop.

Shall I send the films to the usual location?

blaxabbath

A perfect season is no longer possible. Tom Brady’s ride into the sunset just got that much more difficult. Even another Super Bowl win won’t satiate his needs now – or mine

.

[inhales DEEPLY]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!