These food drives are a pain in the ass, especially on a blustery, snowy day like this. Door to door, house to house-there’s maybe a 25% chance that the folks residing therein have heard about it. The social workers that put this one together had a thin budget and could only get a minimal amount of coverage on local radio and the barely-breathing flyer that pretends it is still a weekly newspaper. Whatever, the means get me to the end, almost every year.
You see, once all of the donations are gathered-the local businesses pitch in as well-a bunch of us put together hampers or baskets of foodstuffs at the run-down arena that is no longer in use and lay everything out the following Saturday. It’s then that folks in need drop by to pick out the selection of goods that suit them the best. Some pick fresh vegetables (usually single moms that want to put together at least one decent meal for her older kids) or a young family might grab a basket that has diapers, toilet paper, toothpaste and other toiletries. The most popular with the older set is of course the boxed meals (Hamburger Helper, Kraft Dinner, soups of all kinds) that are plain and simple to make. It’s like a buffet for these people. It’s a sort of buffet for me as well.
It was later on in the day and hope was running out for me as I spotted a timid, elderly fella that poked his head through the door to the lobby. It was obvious he didn’t want to be here. The woman that I was chatting with recognized the gentleman and excused herself and went over to greet him. He mumbled a hello as he nervously fingered the ratty toque that he took off his head.
Wanda did her best to put him at ease and escorted him up and down the two aisles of baskets. He of course chose the basic one, the ones that read on the back, “Just add water/milk”. After he thanked her and left I sidled over to Wanda-
-Poor old sod. He must be a shut-in or something-doesn’t seem as though he likes to get out much.
-Chet is very reserved and yeah, he’s a bit on the mousy side.
I nosed around some more.
-He could use a hobby or something, get him out a bit, expand his social circle.
-I think that would benefit him greatly but the only reason he goes out these days is to play in his pool league. That’s his big night.
Fucking. Bingo.
I’d never been in Sal’s Beer and Bowl before. It was a hole as far as I was concerned. The bar itself didn’t have but eight seats and there were only two tables were people could play. There was a large ‘gathering table’ at the back for the players and little two seaters along the wall for couples that couldn’t afford a night out beyond a pitcher of beer and a plate of mozza stix. Chet was seated far in the rear, nestled comfortably, I imagined, under a burnt-out light fixture.
I pretended I was interested in joining the league, asked about the fees, the skill level of the players, about what time the games wound up. Turns out that was about just thirty minutes from now. I finished up my beer and headed out to the car.
Sure enough, thirty-five minutes later a shambling figure exited Sal’s and made his way home all by his lonesome. I didn’t know the exact address where he lived but I did know which apartment block. It’s the shitty-looking one where all the unfortunates made their home. Well, the ones that weren’t on the street. I parked one street over.
He headed towards a copse of trees and I hid around the corner of the building he was going to pass. As he went by I tripped him and smashed his face on the concrete. He yelped before I could put my hand over his mouth. My knife was out in a flash and I stabbed him hard in the back, hoping to puncture a lung and disable him. I heard a voice.
-HEY! What’s going on over there?
Shit! A guy in his forties with a woman by his side started running towards us. I slit Chet’s throat and took off. When I looked back the bystander was bent over my guy and yelling for help. He stood up, made to go after me, and then bent down again. I was in the clear. Sort of.
It was only after I’d made my way out of the neighborhood that I realized I was under a row of streetlights when I looked back. Could he identify me? Or was I too far away?
Shit!
TO THE GAME!
Bears/Rams:
Do you love sloppy qb play? Have I got a game for you! Both of these fools are absolutely brutal under pressure and Goff is pressured the 7th most. Last year Gurleycake stretched the field horizontally by running plays designed to bounce outside. In turn that opened up the vertical passing game and Goff thrived. That just isn’t happening this year. Todd is spitting out 3.5 yards per run and is looking sluggish. Is he ever going to regain his 2017 form? Truthbiscuit has a QBR of 27.2 when in a ‘busy’ pocket. I think Aaron Donald is going to push that pocket right into Mitch’s grill.
Go ahead, it’s all yours.
Hey
Yo
Hey, guys, what’s going on? I just drove back and had this crazy fever dream that Chase Daniel got playing time in a tight game.
Reason #452 to work on Apartment de Weaselo: So I can actually watch some goddamn Rick and Morty when it comes on!
Oh fuck you Lexus. Nobody gives cars for christmas.
Giant bow salesman in a beat up suit wringing his hands together: “Oh geez buddy don’t say that, don’t say that, I got kids to feed you know.”
Ol’ Gil really needs a better profession.
Now Chi**** is claiming a hip injury to Truth Biscuit.
The whole lot of them are feckless cowards trying to cover their ass. Jokes on them though, their owner has zero idea what’s happening.
I mean, she NOES she’s taking a leak, she just can’t do anything about it NO MOAR.
Should have went with emergency partial physical at Walter Reed by routine motorcade. OH SHIT POLITICS
Vincent Kartheiser is destined to play creepy dads
Shouldve been mauled by a bear in Mad Men
He got his start playing creepy teenagers, so at least he’s consistent.
I turned Hippo Thoughts over to Rev for translation halfway through Q3. Ain’t have to change a word.
Hehehehehe
WHY ARE THEY CALLING TIMEOUT?
/Nagy has Gurley Man in fantasy?
These draft day dingus comments leave off the obvious: The Bears would have ruined Mahomes too.
Let’s pan to the soon to be fired Chi**** brain trust a few more times.
BE YOU
I mark a lot of literate folks here on DFO, so let me share something in case anyone is interested in some cool history.
Google “Kemp Tolley.” This is one awesome motherfucker. 30 year Navy man. Wikipedia will tell you all about him, but he wrote 3 books, all still available, about his career on the Yangtze Patrol in the 1930s, his escape from Manila to Perth Australia on a federalized two-mast schooner after Pearl Harbor, and his subsequent tour as Naval Attache to Stalin’s USSR from 1942-1944.
They don’t make ’em like this guy any more. Fucking badass. Plus he’s a funny shit, lots of innuendos and all for a guy writing in an age when you couldn’t really come right out and talk about fucking bar girls in liberty ports. Especially as an Annapolis grad.
oh Christ, that was hilarious.
Guys, I don’t think the Bears offense is all that great.
Their one playmaker is a folk singer in his 70s. Who was reported ded.
Trubisky looks like someone took his puppy
MOAR LIEK his sweater puppies!
/no groupies FOAR backups
He needs some titties to kiss.
Don’t we all?
The Bears and awful QBs, name a more iconic duo
Tony Dungy’s son and the closet?
Hey oh!!!!!!
The figurative one where he was gay and couldn’t face the world or the literal one where he was just hangin?
YES!
Chris collinsworth’s mouth and aaron Rodgers’s genitals
The patriots and biased referring.
The Browns and awful Qbs?
Laughs at you in Mayfield
Abbot & Chong
Hope & Lewis
Laurel & some other guy
Truth biscuit benched!
Bollo del Splinter?
…those troll movies made money?
Hollywood accounting
I don’t want any MOAR Zeuerlein points, but I do want this to end in regulation.
Would you settle for one moar Zeuerlein point?
/checks scores
//YES
Just be glad Brocky benched Tarik Cohen.
I made dummer start/sit decisions!
Ditto.
I say pay the man?? https://twitter.com/DannyPhantom24/status/1196240113078095872
Quote Tweet
Dan Rogers
@DannyPhantom24
· Nov 13
Dak Prescott is averaging 308.6 yards per game this year. That’s more than Tony Romo, Troy Aikman, Roger Staubach, or any QB in Cowboys history has ever averaged in any season of their career.
But is he a LEADER? Does he have the whi…I mean RIGHT mentality??
Or character?
More importantly, is he ELITE?
That’s Troy Aikman calling for Dak to get paid, something you probably couldn’t tell from my half-assed cut ‘n paste job
https://twitter.com/TroyAikman/status/1196270762006593536
BLEERGH will not let this enjoyment stand.
He did make me have quite the chuckle, though.
Holy Crap. I fell asleep on the couch. Now my neck hurts. And I’m hungry.
Better off than anyone who stayed up and watched this game.
Netted 8 yards on that exchange of punts. PEAK RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!
They’re two meters long.
These commercials have inspired me to write a letter to my Dad thanking him for his role in defeating the Vietnamese.
Cannot wait for his response.
Was he one of the businessmen who came in around 1997 to exploit the fuck out of its opening to the capitalist world?
i forget which team I’m rooting for.
Just root for whoever is on defense. Or the punters. ESPECIALLY the punters.
Root for the bears. More schadenfruede that way
If you want to enjoy this is at all, root for team under.
Every team that ran out and hired a Sean McVay disciple as their new head coach must be just fucking thrilled right now.
But if they need any federal buildings ‘sploded in the offseason?
I think Zac Taylor is doing ok, right?
#1 draft pick, suck it libtards!!
McVay has a coaching tree? Are they all teenagers?
I want this to end 10-9. On a missed FG. Your choice in Goddess
I kind of love how shitty this is.
?itemid=5074722
that is a disturbingly high number of gifs like that out there
Yup
THAT’S MAH FETISH!!!
Oh God, it’s my prom all over again!
Still funny:
Am I alone in thinking PFTCommenter isn’t that funny?
I believe he WAS very funny, and is now just sorta funny.
This
His schtick has grown old.
He’s still clever. But the humor is waning. Doesn’t help who’s signing his paychecks.
methinks for most of us, time plus the professional pressure would be deadly
No. He sucks.
Only because Joe Theismann fucking sucks.
The sundial in his head just didn’t go off
Lakers have 69 at halftime. NICE.
Isn’t that the kind of stuff that got Magic in trouble?
Excellent.
lucky fer you, scotchy has long-since passed out
God help us if this poo factory goes to OT
Almost, not-that-Michael Thomas
This game is fucking awful, so here’s list of the 50 best breweries in the US over the past decade. You’ll notice that #2 is one I never shut up about. And, IMO, it’s much better than the #1, which I’ve also had and do concede is very good. But it ain’t Treehouse.
https://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2019/11/best-breweries-of-the-decade-2010s-american.html?p=2
Solid choices on there. Love that Revolution made it. Maine is kind of overrated I think. It’s good, but not worth waiting for hours outside their brewery though.
Everyone’s taste is subjective, of course, but to me Maine is the most overrated of the breweries I’ve been able to have.
#4 is clearly the best. MAYBE.
Funny thing is I actively avoid Allagash because of PK.
Also I don’t like white beers. Because I’m a reverse-racist, you see.
All the Allagash beers I’ve had have been really good (including white, because I don’t hate myself). Still, PK does tend to ruin things.
That honorable mention list is basically a “where did/does BFC hang out” itinerary.
So many fucking IPAs dominate the local output that this state should be embarrassed.
This is kind of a crap game eh?
This whole everything is fucking trash
– anyone viewing America currently
Darkest Timeline, yo
Me, two minutes ago: DAMMIT why punt from the 45???
Me, now: Oh. Yeah, good call.
So Goff and Wentz went from being the anointed ones to smashing face first into the mean pretty quick
I can’t wait for it to happen to mahomes and Watson
I’m not watching this game because I can’t. Here’s a flying boat:
ooooh, that’s SO CLOSE! – Chad J./O., Cincinnati, OH
If your comment is referring to the Wright R-3350 Duplex Cyclone engines then, yes, they have 18 cylinders each so that would mean 144 spark plugs total. Chad is correct.
I mean, DUH. Quit treating us like idiots.
Flying boat, or floating airplane?
I’ve never heard fi Bryce Paup before. I’m not convinced he’s a real person
boy howdy, you and I made some poor lineup choices this week!
How the fuck did I make a mistak in guessing the dolphins would suck
MOAR liek Ajayi?
Yeah, because anyone of those guys are even close to being in Walter Payton’s league
NOBODY can sniff Peak Terrell Davis’ jockstrap
/ok, Jim Brown, he was other-worldly
Yeah, he threw it away. I asked. Repeatedly.
Fun fact: SB 32 was the first super bowl I ever watched start to finish. That’s when it went from being a “novelty” to an actual game
I can’t believe they snubbed OJ
I mean, how can he NOT make teh cut ,, smgdh
OJ was the greatest ever. The only reason certain people hate him is because he cut his ex-wife’s head off. And killed some waiter.
stupid milenial snowflakes smdh
I know it’s a joke but a few things:
1. Oj never played for either of these teams
2. The NFL did a top 100 players thing 10 years ago, and OJ was on it. So there is some precedent for acknowledging him
A visual metaphor for my reaction to that touchdown
Which overhyped preseason disappointment wants it more
I mean, you can feel the tension and electricity in teh air!!11