Shall we get right at it? We shall.
TO THE GAMES!
Jets/Bills:
[shakes head] The Jets won 6 games? How? Anyhow, it’s not a far reach to posit that as a kid, Josh Allen must have thrived during ‘unstructured playtime’.
Browns/Bengals:
Much like Sex Panther, this game smells like Bigfoot’s dick. One must give Cincy props though, they dug themselves into a giant hole and now they have a Burrow.
Packers/Detroit:
December 29, 2019-mark this day as the last time you’ll ever hear the name David Blough. “He did his best, but his best was not nearly good enough”.
Chargers/Chiefs:
As noted last week, the Chiefs suddenly Hetty Green-like D (only an average of 9.6 points given up over the last 5 games) throws a spanner in the works of the playoffs. The Chargers now enter their “Eli Phase” whereby a clearly ineffective player long past his prime insists he can still play and the powers that be think it would be poor form to force him into retirement/bench him.
Bears/Vikes:
Minny is locked into the #6 seed so look for them to rest some dudes. By keeping Truth Biscuit behind center, Chicago fans can look forward to the O spinning its wheels for at least the next few years.
Fins/Inveterate Cheaters:
Brady has stuck his dick in Miami’s blowhole 15 times at home and has only been denied the one time. Many kudos to coach Flores for a job well done, despite every single member of the front office and ownership handcuffing him every step of the way.
Falcons/Bucs:
I’m sure that if I left this game out of the intro not a soul would have noticed. That said, Jameis will throw a pic in his 1st or 2nd series-it’s kind of a good luck thing with him. It ensures that he’ll toss a few more along the way to 350+ yards.
Saints/Panthers:
New Orleans will put this one to bed and then watch the Niners to see if they end up as the #1 or #2 seed.
Type to your heart’s content below.
Ok, so they have to fire Freddie Kitchens right?
Was there a Kitchens grease fire?
Extended Director’s Cut!
If there’s one qb that can figure out how to upset the Pats, it’d be the dude from Harvard.
I hate that you’re right.
Like the old hoopsball maxim “pressing teams don’t like to be pressed” – gadget-play fetishists don’t like the shoe on the other foot
18-16! BANANACAKES SCORING!!!
Fitzupsetmagik?
SHHHHH. Don’t say it.
Fitz tends to play up in games against The Putz.
/Flea quietly tunes his bass
Well … It is ridiculous shit like this that somehow keeps him employed.
Haha haha!!!! Suck it, San Diego!
9 completed passes for Dreamboat
Josh Allen on the sidelines and he isn’t listening to the OC communicating to the replacement qb because he doesn’t give not a one fuck. Sorry, Buffalo-you’re saddled with a shithead qb that doesn’t understand the word ‘process’.
More points were scored in Leeds v Birmingham today in futbol than Bills Jests.
Mayfield and Dalton are having a derp off.
Give us a WNY Glorious Draw!!
Now we are putting that nail in the coffin. Fuck off, San Diego! You aren’t LA, foolz.
Even though its the Pats, you gotta love a fat guy score. Even a 30+ yard reception with 20s yard after catch and broken tackle.
Yakked about the Pack being a weak playoff team-Lions are up 17-3. I get something right every once in a while.
Still plenty of time for the Liouns to, as our resident Hippo would say, “shit on they dicks.”
John Ross III is completely immune to disease, as being infected would require actually catching something.
I’m not sure about that-his hands seem to have caught The Plague.
Maybe he has leprosy and his hands will fall off if he’s not careful?
Suggs!!!
Rivers just floated on into quadruple coverage. Good lord.
and was PRAISED for it!!
LAY DOWN, HERETICS!!!
KC with a 104 yard kickoff return wow
He’s a gadget guy right now but Mackenzie is a speedster that can do real damage for the Bills in the slot.
BloodSugar baby! He’s magic! A-FitzMagic!!!
Relevant-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzlK0OGpIRs
Jimmy Graham played basketball.
Jimmy Graham played parcheesi.
Did he letter?
Sudden…DARKEST TIMELINE SHIFT??
“Another black president?”
-Republicans
Can only keep a Hardman down so long ,, amirite??
Especially in the morning slot.
About 10 minutes, usually
Gonna find out Dak fucked up his shoulder doing his stupid hip shimmy
perhaps the processed ham is expanding?
Notice how they mitigated Rivers in that short field drive. Best way to not turnover the ball is to minimize that shithead.
^ Somebody give this guy the lazereyes pewpewpew
Even watching RedZone I’m surprisingly bored right now.
That was me watching the latest Star War
They just showed like a 60-yard punt with a 5-yard return. whoooooo
Did they ever solve the trade dispute with the naval blockade?
Funny score in Minny plus Packers derpage is keeping me sentient.
Everything I know about the Patriots and bullshit tells me that neither the Dolphins nor the Chiefs will score again
Oh right, the Chargers
Jameis is fucking exciting, I will give him that.
We should have a Rapey Jameis/Brokeback Superb Owl pre-game exhibition.
I’ve got dibs on “Funsies Bowl”.
Somehow the Bengals, Browns and Referees all made mistakes all in the same play.
The Aristocrats!
Even German fans are uneasy with the amount of shit the Packers are spraying all over Ford Field.
Too disgusting for banner IMO.
No such thing. We had a domestic violence one a month ago.
[raises a cup to this comment]
-Two Girls
Jest and Bills should just run off-tackle every single play the 2nd half.
Sounds like me playing Madden
I’m a HB Blast man, myself.
Ah, the Norv Turner playbook I see.
If only the NFLPA could get the amount of benefits that the Pats receive from refs…
I hate to say this. I really do. But Brady would make a great NFLPA president post-retirement.
Rivers right to the honey badger. Sounds about right.
Regressing to the mean (Christian).
Floaterception!
Ahhhh… floaterception. There it is.
misty water-colour meeeemmmmmmmories….
Best running back ‘volume compiler’. Gore, Curtis Martin or Ottis Anderson?
Ah, the Hall of Adequacy
/see also – George, Eddie
Duce Staley wants some of this.
Duce was my first-ever fantasy keeper. yes, I regretted it.
Duce put up 1000 yards in a season where he had a double hernia for most of the season that had him bed-ridden for days after every game. Man is deserving of a keeper spot.
I was like “SWEET! $3 starting RB!!” And he put up like 8-10 PPR points a week.
I’m a fan of Gore because he’s done it on two reconstructed knees.
And he has a third leg, ppl forget that.
Has Philip Rivers ever won a playoff game?
Apparently 5 of them!
I can not possibly reconcile that information with 15 years of watching Philip Rivers fail
He won one way back in… last year!
JPP totes got a stub in on that ball.
The fix is in at Foxborough.
Screaming toddler half an hour in to a nap. I am in hell. Eagles fo sho gunna lose.
Although Hippo’s Serie B talisman won me some scratch.
5 of 6 today!!
That’s like a .1 on the Dawkins scale. Come back when you get your bridge down.
Remember when you could drive your helmet into the spine of the opposing qb? George Marshall remembers…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyV5eqBx7ws
“When did this happen?”
– J. Montana
This one hurts because it’s true and I thought he was the best. I still think he’s the best QB ever.
There’s the Charger derp we’ve all come to love
Wait. Green Bay has a bye right now? They’re easily the worst team in the playoffs. They got buried by Philly of all teams.
[raises hand] “A word please.”
-Houston Texans
Who?
16 games and BW Webb still doesn’t fully understand that deep passes can only come from one direction on a football field.
A team gets what it deserves by playing a cb that was cut by the Giants. THE GIANTS!
FFS. They’re showing Skins-Cowboys in Michigan. Can we at least get a game with a playoff team in it?
You will watch the Cowboys play and like it.
Only in those rare moments that the Slurs derp hard enough to get them on RedZone
Prolly be a few of those. ‘Dacteds derp level is over 9000.
This here is quality snark.
Really, the team knows they can cement Princeton Red’s firing AND Dak! can’t use his throwing shoulder. Comedy will ensue.
WE CAN HAS GARBAGE SAFETY!!!
Honey badger did good.
bet he still ain’t care!
4-nil, Benevento. Job. Fookin’. DONE!!
If they don’t draft Joe Burrow or don’t get a Herschel Walker or Ricky-Williams-like trade for the pick, Bengals fans will burn Paul Brown Stadium to the ground.
“Promise?” -Mike Brown, jacking up his insurance coverage while preparing to draft Chase Adams
It’s not like they expect winning at this point. Pretty sure apathy is their way of life.
Counterpoint-
If you’re a Bengals fan you probably don’t understand the technology behind matches.
He won’t be making local enemies by hanging 70 on tOSU, at least. Let that be yesterday’s pyhrric victory
Cincinnati hates Ohio State. If Ohio State won last night and got their nuts busted the bad way by Burrow, they would’ve already renamed the Riverfront Park after him.