Fans in the Woods: 2015 Chicago Bears Preview

A perfect encapsulation of how this franchise fucks itself

2015 DFO Chicago Bears Preview

A Conversation Between Cuntler and BrettFavresColonoscopy, moderated by Jeff Joniak

Jeff Joniak, if you're reading this, we really miss Wayne Larrivee
Pictured: Someone whose future does not necessitate sunglasses. Photo credit: Comcast Sports Network

Jeff Joniak: Hey there, sports fans, welcome to the first ever Chicago Bears preview on Door Flies Open!  I’m Jeff Joniak, voice of the Chicago Bears while you’re tailgating or at home and need to listen to the radio while watching Fox on mute. If you’re not already sick of me after 15 years of doing play-by-play for OUR Chicago Bears, then you haven’t been listening. Hub Arkush can’t be here today, because no one on this website knows who the fuck he is.  Joining us today with their perspectives on the upcoming Bears Season are Cuntler and BrettFavresColonoscopy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy: Thanks, Jeff, it’s a pleasure to be a part of the DFO preview series.

Cuntler: Thanks, Jeff.  Isn’t this a bit below your pay grade?

JJ: Outstanding.  BFC, why don’t you get us started with a little background about yourself.

BFC: Sure thing. I grew up in the Chicago suburbs (which doesn’t mean I’m not a Chicagoan, no FUCK YOU), and going to Soldier Field was a big part of my childhood.  Bears home games are where I first saw adults vomiting in public; where I first learned what “mooning” was/that it, too, actually happened in public; and where I first saw a man so deranged by fandom and beer that he was compelled to write “Fuck Dallas” on his chest to be displayed as he stood shirtless in subzero temperatures for four hours.  I guess what I’m saying is, despite living in DC for over a decade, the Bears and their fans have been and continue to be a huge part of my life.

Cuntler:  I grew up in the city, so suburbanites from HighElkBuffaloLawnGroveLakeHeights like BFC give me an entirely new view of the team, from a less murder-y perspective.  I love Soldier Field, too, although the parking sucks since they rerouted Lake Shore Drive in 2002.  It holds a special place in my heart, as it is the first place I witnessed people pissing on a passed out person (although that person was passed out in a stall, so it was to be expected).  We are a classy bunch.

BFC: And it starts at birth, Jeff.  Growing up in the greater Chicagoland area (an actual term despite 1-2.5 more words than necessary) meant that there were 9 year olds on school buses wearing shirts with hateful things about the Green Bay Packers on them. Among the tamer of these was an elegant yet chic piece of fashion that squeezed the following brilliant essay on a child’s frame: “I Have Two Favorite Teams: The BEARS and Whoever is Playing the Packers!”

Cuntler: My favorite was the one that said “Green Bay Sucks” on the front and this on the back:

We make no assertions regarding the validity of this statement.
Photo Credit: Some guy on ebay, apparently

Cuntler: These were made in kid and newborn sizes.  This tradition continues into the modern era, of course.

BFC: This is the kind of bullshit that leads to a local tenet that finishing 2-14 was a successful season if the two wins came against the Packers. Un-fucking-real.

JJ: Now, now, that’s not true. We have the BEST fans in the league right here at Soldier Field!  The temperatures may be low, but spirits are sky high! Ditka! Bear weather! HERP! DERP!

Cuntler: Jesus Christ. You’re the worst. You are missing the real issue with Chicago Bears fans.  We all HATE the fucking Green Bay Packers and their smug fat idiot fans with their stupid cheeseheads and their $250.00 framed donation receipts to a fucking billion dollar corporation.  Is this an inferiority complex?  Yes.  Are we jealous of their 30 to 40 straight years of good quarterback play they miraculously lucked into?  Yes.  Has been been watching the Packers lose in the playoffs every year since 2010 been the best part of our seasons recently?  Fuck Yes.  Eat shit and die, Packers and Packers fans. You, too, Jeff.

JJ: Well alright.

BFC: Look, Cuntler’s right, but no one should have to worry about the 2015 campaign being a success for the Bears by any metric.  They won’t make the playoffs, they won’t have a winning season, and they sure as fuck won’t beat the Packers twice, or even once for that matter.

JJ: Wow, bold prediction without any analysis at all!

BFC: I really liked watching John Madden and Pat Summerall growing up.  Especially the drinking part.

Wait, THAT guy was the drunk one?
Photo Credit: CBS, though the Washington Examiner article that used it credits Youtube

Cuntler:  We’ll get to the analysis in a bit.  On the overall record prediction, BFC is a bit more cynical on this front than I am.  First, the Bears open against the Packers, who don’t usually start the season that hot. Also, if everyone’s favorite football player/insurance salesman gets hurt, this division is wide open.  As far as the rest of the division goes, everyone is picking the Vikings as their sleeper team, which never works out for them. The Lions got worse on defense, and are pretty shitty offensively apart from Megatron (Golden Tate?  Please.)  So it’s possible (but not probable) that they sneak into the wildcard round and lose.

BFC: It’s also possible that Roger Goodell will wake up one morning, realize he’s a piece of shit, and go sledding down the Eisenhower on a plastic replica of THE SHIELD. But let’s look at some hometown press. Recently, the Chicago Tribune ran a piece called “Are the Bears the Worst Team in the NFL?” I won’t bother linking to it since virtually the entire Tribune website is behind a paywall. In a related matter, if the article had been called “Is the Chicago Tribune a shell of its former self, and does everyone who grew up in Chicago wish it could die a merciful death without continuing to fill its bedpan with rancid fecal matter?” then the answer would be an emphatic YES.

Cuntler:  Agreed. Fuck Steve Rosenbloom with his mother’s dick.

BFC: But the answer to the first question is no, the Bears are not the worst team in the NFL.  But they are among the worst at making sure their fans don’t get a chance to root for a winner.  My view is that this year’s team is built for 8-8, and that’s with the benefit of a soft schedule and some really serious offensive talent remaining on the roster. Matt Forte remains a top five running back, Alshon Jeffery is a BEAST, the offensive line played above the expected level of ass last year and potentially upgraded at Center, Martellus Bennett has earned his self-given nickname, and we will get to Cuntler’s namesake shortly.

JJ: But wasn’t last season just an aberration for a SOLID NFC North contender?

I hope that's a Nathan Vasher jersey
If you don’t know what the “GSH” on Topanga’s sleeve means, then you don’t get to call yourself a Bears fan. Photo credit: Pinterest. Shut up, GIS led me there

BFC: Let’s talk about last season for a second. All of us that cheer for laundry with GSH on the sleeve had very high expectations for the aforementioned offensive firepower plus 1-3 Brandon Marshalls. Gone are the days of Monsters of the Midway Smashmouth football, the analysts said.  The Bears are built to hang up 45 points per game and outscore the best teams in the NFC the analysts said.  You can drink away the anger and sadness, the analysts said. So what happened?  The Bears finished 5-11, averaged less than 20 points per game, kept trotting Chris Conte out to fail worse than youknowwho in art class, fired their GM and windowless white van-driving head coach***, and there wasn’t enough liquor and therapy in the world to make it better/credible that this team could compete in a talented NFC North any time soon.

***Quick aside about Marc Trestman, pictured here at a Cubs game. It didn’t come out until the end of the season that Defensive Coordinator Rod Marinelli left the Bears after then-GM Phil Emery asked him to help interview and cull the head coaching candidates. Marinelli told Emery that Trestman ranked third of the three, which also included Bruce Arians, who really, really wanted to coach in Chicago.  Emery said thanks lol I don’t care what you think, hired Trestman anyway, leading Marinelli to resign and take a demotion with Dallas rather than serve under a coach he predicted would be a disaster.  Reminder: Rod Marinelli is NOT a genius.***

BFC: And then there’s Jay Cutler. As is often noted when the NFL mistakenly puts the Bears on Monday Night Football too many times in a season (read: more than once), the Bears have a history of quarterbacks ranging from hilariously shitty to serviceable. I non-ironically believe that Sid Luckman remains the best quarterback in franchise history. Erik Kramer was a legitimate reason for excitement in the 1990s. Kordell Stewart was worth a shot, and compared to Jonathan Quinn, Henry Burris, Steve Stenstrom, Cade McNown, Craig Krenzel, Moses Moreno, and many many others, he wasn’t THAT bad. Sexy Rexy led the Bears to the Super Bowl, and Chicagoans still weren’t sure he was a better option than Kyle Orton (which he was).

Cuntler: Favre won his first MVP in 1995.  Look at the Bears quarterbacks since then:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Chicago_Bears_starting_quarterbacks.  I can’t wait until Rodgers dies in an autoerotic asphyxiation accident in Michael Sam’s closet so Packers fans can live through a run like this.

JJ: Is there a number I can call to watch that?

Cuntler: 1-900-RELAXXX

BFC: So along comes Jay Cutler, destined to fulfill South Park’s prediction for him while batting down Bears fans’ dreams like stuffed fake mice. He has an amazing arm and a predilection for throwing interceptions like Brett Favre with all the charisma of Jeff George. He is, without a doubt, the best quarterback the Bears have had in a long time, and by far the best quarterback currently on the roster.  But the goobers in the Bears’ front office realized that the whole city fucking hates him, so they refused to say he was the starting QB until after new coach John Fox and team had time to evaluate him and the rest of the roster.  Cutler is not the best QB in the league, but what do you have to evaluate when you’re comparing him to this guy:

The future face of the Bears?
Like you needed the arrow to know which one. Photo credit: Deadspin

Cuntler:  Yup. You nailed it.  Cutler is maddeningly inconsistent, but he sucks less than any quarterback the Bears have had since the 1940s.  Seriously, look at this shit:

Pictured: The 3 greatest quarterbacks in Chicago Bears history
L-R: Johnny Lujack, Sid Luckman, Bobby Lane wishing one or two of them had been born 50 years later.
Photo Credit: NFL.com

Cuntler: The Bears had Sid Luckman, Johnny Lujack, and Bobby Lane as quarterbacks in 1948.  It would be like having Manning, Rodgers, and Brady on the same roster today. Since then, the garbage BFC mentioned and more garbage. I think the Curse of Bobby Lane applies to the Bears as much as the Lions.

Cuntler: Anyway, back to last year.  The defense was the 32nd ranked unit in the league.  You can’t expect an apathetic cat with diabetes, a smoking problem, and unvaccinated, polio-stricken children to carry a team with no defense.  As the team goes, Cutler goes.  It should be the other way around, but the Bears really don’t have any other options.

JJ: Wow, that is a lot of insight for two guys living in their basements.

Cuntler gets up and hits Joniak in the head with a commemorative Walter Payton nitrous oxide tank.

Cuntler: We’re both successful adults with jobs and homes of our own, you fucktard.  Man, who invited that asshole?

BFC: I think he came in because the door had flown open.

Cuntler: It’s closed now.  What do you think of the defense?

BFC: My view is the defense is dramatically different but still shitty.  I don’t have any faith that the aging defense from last year has been replaced with something better. I see a changed scheme and some shuffled pieces. The secondary is still old and terrible, and the defensive line is a big question mark. I have less than no faith in Shea McClellin and whatever is left of Jared Allen’s mullet. I just don’t see this D stopping Rodgers, Purple Jesus, or even Reggie Bush on a regular basis.

Cuntler:  “Braintrust” is more than an overstatement for this front office, especially the Honda Accord-loving scion running the team, but some of the offseason changes the new regime made give me a bit more confidence than that. I think the defense has a chance to fall in the middle third of the NFL.  New defensive coordinator Vic Fangio did an amazing job in San Francisco with the young players he had there.  The Bears signed some good linebackers that fit in his 3-4 (Mason Foster, Pernell McPhee), and have a lot of young fat guys on the line who may or may not blossom into good players.  Further, you cannot understate how fucking terrible Mel Tucker was at both coaching and scheming.  So, so terrible. Also, CHRIS CONTE IS DEAD.

/POURS OUT NOTHING

So maybe the defense will be shitty, but we don’t know how shitty, so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice.

BFC: I don’t think it’s enough. I see a bottom third defense,  a quarterback the fans and some of the players believe is completely gutless (and Cutler is starting anew with his fifth offensive coordinator in seven seasons in Chicago), a new head coach in John Fox, and one of the toughest divisions in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. 2-4 in the NFC North would be a stretch for this team.  Oh, and we haven’t even talked about how the number one draft pick hasn’t been able to practice at all yet and is starting out camp on the PUP list.

These dogs will also shit the bed less frequently than the Bears
Kevin White WISHES he was on this kind of pup list. Photo credit: US News and World Report didn’t credit the photo service…

 

BFC: Not like rookie wide receivers need practice time to adapt to the NFL.

/DRINKS

BFC: Fortunately, the Bears play all three of the teams looking at a new home in LA, plus the Redskins, Bucs, and a few other teams that make for winnable games. Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’ll reach and say this team could use that soft schedule to finish 8-8. I reserve the right to change this prediction to 6-10 if/when Jimmy Clausen takes the reins.  And despite the NFL’s best efforts, I’ll keep watching every week.

Cuntler:  So will I.  Damn it.  I agree that 8-8 is about right, but the season will probably look more like this:

He fixes the cable?
You can guess what happens next…

Cuntler: But I am often quite wrong about these things  (Click that link for the laughably wrong prediction. Stay for the horrible grammar!).  And I’ll leave you with this preemptive strike on a topic that seems to come up more often than it should in Bears preview posts:

 

A Requiem for the ‘85 Bears

Bears fans are fond of the 1985 team in the same way that a guy may be fond of that girl he dated in college for a summer who was way out of his league, but somehow banged him for two months and gave him unrealistic expectations for the rest of his life.  The ‘85 Bears were objectively great, very entertaining, and were the only truly memorable Chicago sports team in 1980s.  The Bears had not won a championship in the modern era, meaning no Super Bowl titles before theirs. George Halas died in 1983, and the McCaskey boys were incompetent fucksticks then as they are now.  The defense was amazing, Walter Payton was the best running back in the league, and the whole city rallied around this charismatic crew.  They were also unique in that they only won one (possibly because Ditka was such a shitty coach), when teams like the Redskins, Cowboys, Giants, and 49ers all were winning multiple championships.

The Bears haven’t put anything close to that team on the field since, so the ’85 players are probably more glorified than they should be because they were so good for such a short period of time.  The only time Bears fans I know talk about them is when someone in the media brings them up (like Drew Magary every year in the “Why Your Team Sucks” preview, or when Cris Collinsworth talks about how he played the ‘85 Bears in 1987).  The media, in Chicago or otherwise, always casts them as the standard against which the Bears should measure themselves.  It is annoying to Bears fans, it isn’t fair to the current team, and it is objectively fucking stupid.  I never have sat around with my friends who are Bears fans and talked about the 1985 team unless one of the players is in the news for committing suicide or going on CTE-fueled walkabouts.  We all follow the current teams in sisyphean frustration, and we will think back to that super sexy 1985 team sometimes, as is natural to do.  But any Bears fan that brings them up in any conversation apart from one revolving around historically good NFL teams is an asshole.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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[…] person reading this concurrently with me writing it might say, “aren’t you a die-hard Chicago Bears fan who grew up in the suburbs of Chicago, which is nowhere near Miami, Pittsburgh, or […]

blaxabbath

I went to Chicago once. Went to my buddy’s graduation at Lake Forest. Flew though Midway and was not impressed. Went to get *Real* Chicago Dogs and foolishly only got one on our first order. Went up to get more and the girl like broke the register. They just looked at me and said they couldn’t sell me anymore hot dogs because the register wasn’t working. This despite the whole Hot Dog Artist station being stocked right in front of me.

The school did host an open bar graduating seniors party on campus which was pretty cool. They got me snuck in and when no one remembered me (in their class of like 400) I just told them I moved off campus when there was that fire in the dorms freshman year. It worked because, apparently, there had been a fire in the dorms when they were 19. I don’t recall the rest but I understand I got blasted and kept yelling about how “I Can’t Hide That Forester Pride!” which must have been written somewhere on campus because I’m not smart enough to come up with that.

Didn’t care for it as Gotham City though. Chicago = 6/10.

Cuntler

In conclusion, you went to Lake Forest.

A -Bomb
A -Bomb

Bears preview, huh?

“Control + F ……Packers”

13 times.

Never change, Bears fans.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

14 now. 10 of them are in the article, 1 is you. So 3 mentions in 123 komments.

Cuntler

Sweet. We have burner accounts who can Ctrl+F. We’re reaching the big time now, fellas!

Cuntler

I am embarrassed. We forgot to mention that the Bears signed tight end Bear Pascoe. SUPER BEARS. SUPER BOWL.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Want this

comment image?1387140310&Expires=1439350833&Signature=Z29FrJbkig6ADtEI3ViIFcv52CMcT6LYuoRWGWg~ZSwm2jubS8aTrKjsylqI-iT6QidInoWlVtujpB8scSVCXHBs-8M1XyBjHbIOgFj6AbFV3815LmQHGg9RROanG6tHM8dDXo~MipI1dLEy6PHKGUtUVUsC155MFF3g4WvJ-GM_&Key-Pair-Id=APKAIYVGSUJFNRFZBBTA

Expect this

http://gridirongrit.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Best-NFL-Week-4-GIFs-Detroit-Lions-RB-Reggie-Bush-Hurdles-Past-Chicago-Bears-Defense.gif

Best case scenario

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Marion-Barber-Backflip-Fail-Chicago-Bears.gif

Go Bears!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Let’s try that first gif again, it worked when I tested it before pasting into a comment

comment image?1387140310&Expires=1439350833&Signature=Z29FrJbkig6ADtEI3ViIFcv52CMcT6LYuoRWGWg~ZSwm2jubS8aTrKjsylqI-iT6QidInoWlVtujpB8scSVCXHBs-8M1XyBjHbIOgFj6AbFV3815LmQHGg9RROanG6tHM8dDXo~MipI1dLEy6PHKGUtUVUsC155MFF3g4WvJ-GM_&Key-Pair-Id=APKAIYVGSUJFNRFZBBTA

It is Alshon catching a pass between 2 players at the 3 and still scoring if it doesn’t show up again. Everyone knows what gif that is from the description alone.

Old School Zero

See if you can find a link where it ends with just .gif

That tends to work better.

I still like the comment, either way.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok. Attempt 3 at getting that first pic to post.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/cbe2f9fde6337ca0fe90307189fa5bb6/tumblr_nn15sk4klV1rj4j4jo1_1280.jpg

Did it work that time?

CookCountyAssesorsOffice
CookCountyAssesorsOffice

Yep. Works great. Now I have a strange craving for Hawaiian Tropic.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
Beastmode Ate My Baby

Fantastic preview, guys. I’m beginning to think I should have left the Seahawks in the capable hands (hooves?) of Moose.

Possible reasons for my preview sucking:

1) I feel a cold coming on.
2) The dog ate my preview.
3) My wife says you guys are too mean and I can’t play with you any more.

Just want to have my excuses primed & ready.

Old School Zero

Did someone put cheese in your preview?

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think I just googlebinged the wrong bears phrase.

http://i.imgur.com/HEMTN9A.gif

Old School Zero

Provincetown?

upstate underdog
upstate underdog

I saw that the Bears have a kid from Brown in camp. Berman must be furiously masterbating to their camp highlights.

Doktor Zymm

As a [*Redacteds] fan who has lived in Chicago the last 6 or 7 years I have some good Bears fan stories.

There was the guy who says he hates the [*Redacteds] because Walter Payton’s career ended with a playoff loss to the [*Redacteds].

There was the guy who said “See! Even a girl can tell Cutler is a shitty QB!”
(What I actually said was that Cutler isn’t that accurate since the O-line blows and he’s often forced to throw off his back leg)

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Walter Payton’s career didn’t just end with a playoff loss to Washington, it ended with him getting knocked out of bounds on the last play of his career and ending up under the Washington bench.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I never realized there were so many Bears fans/Chicagoans/Illini on KSK. I mean, a few were obvious, but this is fun.

So much better than all the mouth-breathing Bears blogs out there.

I swear, I am SO sick of people referring to their favorite/hometown NFL franchise as a “we.” It’s like on Coach when Stuart asked Hayden if “we” were going to win, and Hayden said, “I dunno, that depends on if ‘you’ are suiting up.”

blaxabbath

I fucking paid more for that stadium than the team did. I’ll fucking ‘we’ all I want!

WhyEaglesWhy

Fantastic post. I like the previews where we learn about the poster’s (one-sided) relationship with the team.

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, that picture of Clausen; even the Village People would tell him to butch it up a bit.

All the Farts
All the Farts

Replace 85 bears with 72 dolphins and you get the same idea here in Florida.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

13 years later (1998 season), the Broncos reach their franchise pinnacle with their second Super Bowl win. 13 years after THAT (2011 season), the Giants beat the Patriots in what could turn out to be their franchise pinnacle. Weird.

Brocky

At this point, I mentally hold the 85 bears with the same regard as Al Sharpton: only the opposing sides bring them up.

Bears will preform better than last year, simply due to mathematical probability.

If this is cutler’s last year, I’ll relish it. Like ketchup and relish.

As for the nfl’s continued promotion of green bay, well it’s gotta backfire somehow right? Why not have aaron rodgers, a player more fragile than the media wants to address, have his career ended joe Theismann style?

Something something bill sworski’s super fans

Don T

Good writeup, very nice format. What I enjoyed most about the Bears in ’14 was Virginia Halas -McCaskey being reportedly “pissed” about the season. Speaking from experience, one should never rile up nonagenarians.

Duchess

I am and will always be a Cutler defender. The media hates him because he doesn’t give a fuck about them. He is far better than any of the QB’s that were available in Free agency.When he had a decent O-Line he had no wr’s. Once he had good WR’s the O-Line went to shit. Got a great O-Line and WR’s and the defense would give up 400 total yards.

Changlorious Basterd

I actually love Cutler’s ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’. Too many players these days are mindless buzz word spewing bores. It’s refreshing for someone to actually, you know, have a personality.

It bemuses me no end that Cutler is blamed for everything that goes wrong despite last years defense resembled a haunted graveyard (Chris Conte as the shambling Zombie who can be avoided by slightly changing direction!)

As a comparison, I am a Colts fan, and we rightly blame our horrendous defense for our recent play off failures. Despite the fact the Neck Beard has thrown about 100 picks in the playoffs.

Horatio Cornblower

To borrow from Stephen King’s “It”, “Chris Conte is chasing us, walk faster!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am also a Cutler fan; he really made it hit home in Denver. He didn’t get along with the media and they, being petty little fucking snot bags, turned on him. In spite of what the narrative is among the toadie, jock sniffing parasites that we call “sports reporters” he is very well liked by his teammates, is tough as shit, and cares about winning.

The only thing I fucking HATE about him is the anti-vaxxer association wife his idiot wife.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/5b4b4963e1b31c8e470ed2520fc8550e/tumblr_mt4bb5CUJ21s9lgs0o2_r1_500.gif

Changlorious Basterd
Cuntler

The media here STILL rags on him all the time. It is pitiful.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They are like an old boyfriend who just can’t let it go; what a bunch of punk-ass bitches.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It my seem, if you read between the lines, that I have a certain disdain for the Denver sports media. Gentlemen, GENTLEMEN, and ladies, I assure you that I most certainly do.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/1fea6a30684b6667dfcf861f79f3b779/tumblr_nc9mm5Dhgn1qh59n0o1_500.gif

blaxabbath
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ll say one thing about Cutler and that is he’s tough. I’ve seen him take some hits that should have crippled him, and he got right back up and went to the next play. Sometimes he took multiple hits like this in the same game. The guy’s tough.

WhyEaglesWhy

Agreed. I always thought it was so ridiculously unfair and emblematic of idiot beer gut fans that he got tagged “soft” after blowing out his knee in the NFC Championship Game. “Want to” doesn’t heal legs that don’t work.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Super-double-triple agreed.

I did my knee in college. Grade 2 sprain of the MCL, just like Cutler. It hurt, but the bigger problem was that I couldn’t push off that leg. Just wouldn’t work. You’re a QB and you have to push off your leg to get any velocity on your throws, it ain’t gonna happen.

In that game, he tried to play after the sprain, and he came off the field shaking his head after one duck throw.

I think he’s not as good as he could be, and definitely not as good as Bears fans dream he should be. I hate his anti-vax ‘tude. But the fucker is as tough a QB as is playing now, and anyone who rags on him for that is a fucking idiot.

Spur
Spur

http://i.imgur.com/I5zbv.gif

Cats always land on their feet.

Spur
Spur

Time for a Cat Scan
https://youtu.be/Ntw8mg0SMhI

Spur
Spur
aceg
aceg

(Ndamukong) Suh SMASH!!!

Changlorious Basterd

Jay Cutler thinking about his contract:

http://i.imgur.com/fErcqWD.gif

Spur
Spur

Martellus Bennett is not to be trusted.

Changlorious Basterd

/says everybody who has ever owned him in fantasy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I still think he took my Bob Dylan Blood on the Tracks CD.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Bennett leaves the Bears, he’s a guaranteed Pro Bowler. Not because the Bears aren’t using him right–I think by and large they are (his stats early last year bear this out).

I just think that he moves on, the Bears snakebite wears off and he’s a beast.

Like Olsen when he was traded to Carolina, but moreso.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Excellent write up. I can only add a few things:

The Bears will be, as they have been for the past two decades, fist-fucked by the Packers again. I’ve determined that the intensity of said fist-fucking can be determined by measuring the importance of the game and the size of the audience. This year’s games: an opening week afternoon match-up and a Thanksgiving night game. The aggregate point difference will be no less than 55 points in the Packers’ favor and I have to be passed out before sundown on Thanksgiving to spare my anus.

Everyone will hate Jay Cutler no matter what he does and he’ll always be cited as the number one problem even when he’s probably only the third or fourth biggest issue on the team. I sincerely hope he’s traded soon not because his departure will make the Bears better, but I won’t have to hear people bitch about him anymore. I’ve gotten so bitter about this that I actually want to see Cutler win a Super Bowl on a talented team elsewhere to warm my hands on the schadenfreude flames. He sure as fuck isn’t winning one here.

I considered getting in on the DFO preview action, but I realized as much as I’d like to discuss the Bears, it would just all end with an exasperated sigh, a lazy prediction of going 7-9, and another mid-first round draft pick blown that will be explained away as an outside the box choice when in reality it was just a stupid reach based on poor scouting.

/sigh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Changlorious Basterd
MikeMartzColorsDontRun

oh that picture.. magical

Cuntler

This could’ve (should’ve?) been the whole preview.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seriously though; quarterbacking aside: Cutler can’t hit the typical Bears fan GSH-spot like the Sex Cannon could.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/0eb4af416bb5eb75803a80009a7c182f/tumblr_inline_nijyq3mN4a1rdy1ha.gif

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

“GSH-spot” is the greatest word mashup I’ve read in a very, very long time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Needs more ‘Thanks Obama”

Duchess

http://pre02.deviantart.net/0341/th/pre/i/2012/074/0/6/tophat_bear_by_grimla-d4svq95.jpg

Growing up in Austin and living in DC area I always get asked why I’ am a Bears fan. It’s mostly due to being born in Evanston.

/Fingers crossed the Bearistocrat picture shows up

Old School Zero

I mostly grew up three hours from Chicago, and the whole first Bulls three-peat sucked me into rooting for Chicago teams, so the Bears are my NFL b-team still. One thing I do actually appreciate is that they haven’t tried to modernize their uniform designs much. I think the designs are strong and classic, and any time they go to alternate unis, it just looks weird to me.

Excellent preview. Even you, Cuntler.

Cuntler
Old School Zero

Is that, like, Boltman’s runt of a cousin at the piano?

Cuntler

You’ve never seen the Chicago Sky’s official mascot, Sky Guy?

http://www.dailyherald.com/storyimage/DA/20140415/news/140418916/EP/1/1/EP-140418916.jpg

(The other one is Chicago Fire mascot, Rocky. All the second-rate team mascots hang out together and play melancholy piano music.)

Old School Zero

Yeah. That’s the Boltman relative that took up competitive aerobics and is in and out of NA thanks to issues with “diet pills”.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

BOLTMAN REMINDS YOU THERE IS NO GOD

packman_jon

How stoned is Staley in that picture? I’m guess about 2-3 /BONG RIPS

Cuntler

Hey, Packers is scheduled for Wednesday, if that is cool with you. I only edited in like 15 – 20 dick picks (for Aaron).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Who else spent a lot of time in Chicago?

http://i.imgur.com/1V2Qj.gif

Sep

You know who didn’t get laid that night? That’s right, the old woman in the background.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Organized Bear Events that will be more successful for the next few years than the NFL football team, in no particular order:

1) Pandas fucking enough to become un-endangered
2) Polarbears preventing their extinction by garnering enough human sympathy that a vast shift in behavior and policies regarding Global Warming occurs
3) Owlbears ambushing your d&d party and wrecking your whole fucking crew, RIP Sir Vancelot the lvl 3 Paladin

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THAT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO CAST A CHARM SPELL ON A FUCKING CREATURE WITH ANIMAL INTELLIGENCE THANKS A LOT PERCEPTICON THE MAGIC-USER I THOUGH YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE 18 INTELLIGENCE.

Horatio Cornblower

This brings back so many memories of high school that I’m going to put myself in a locker.

Horatio Cornblower

Great work guys.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Fucking owlbears.

aceg
aceg

Holy shit this is magical… and not in the +5 Vorpal Sword magical way.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
scotchnaut

Good work, fellas. This is the most interesting thing about the Bears that I’ve seen in the last ten years-including their games.

packman_jon
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

That fucker’s backfoot heaving bullshit is how I discovered KSK, so I at least owe him that much.

Cuntler

“Backfoot heaving bullshit? Tell me more!” – Jay Cutler

Enrico Pallazzo

Heard a rumor that Walter Payton was so tired of being associated with the Bears that he died. Could be huge if true.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
jjfozz
Cuntler

I love how they get their Christmas tree in the Illinois mountains at the beginning of the movie.

http://onscreencars.com/content/uploads/2011/12/christmas_vacation_license_plate_family_car_1-525×295.png

packman_jon

It’s from a reality where Illinois (not ELLinois, you goddamn FIBs) has geography and people care about the Texans.

Cuntler

Whatever, Scott Walker lover.

WCS

FIXED THE KNOLL POST!

Kyle Long's Big Wheel
Kyle Long's Big Wheel

This preview makes me want to start drinking heavily, which of course means it’s spot on. All the mornings I wake up thinking 8-8 is doable are usually the product of unusually strong hangovers from the night before.

Lets just all accept that 6-10 is probably a best case scenario, and now get back to drinking away the worry that Kane is probably getting intimate with the ban hammer soon.

Cuntler
CookCountyAssesorsOffice
CookCountyAssesorsOffice

Yep. But the Cubs look good!
I have poisoned my son with the love of Chicago sports teams. I think there are times when the Bears play he looks over at me with a “What have you done to me?” expression on his face. But at least now he knows why daddy drinks.
And Kane….fuck.

WCS

“Bears fans want to return to 1985 more than Marty McFly.”

— Taken from BDD’s 2013 Why Your Team Sucks

Cuntler

HAHAhahahaha..

That meme has been around for at least 10 years. It is sooo funny. 🙂 🙂 🙂

comment image

Cuntler

(I actually preferred the joke someone put out there that the only one who leans more heavily on 1985 than Bears fans is Bill Simmons.)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Ahh, Chicago. I don’t think anyone hates Chicagoans more than Chicagoans themselves.

I only bring up the 1985 Bears when I see the continued parade of mediocrity (or worse), and want to take comfort in the one season that defined football–and excellence–for me. Plus, I was playing high school football at the time, and so everything I know of or have experienced playing or watching football distills down to the 1985 team. Your analogy hit the nail on the head: the ’85 Bears gave Chicago fans a completely unrealistic set of expectations. It’s like going from a woman who’s multiply-orgasmic to a new girlfriend who has trouble coming once. You wonder if there’s something you did to make God hate you so much.

Last year’s defense was so historically bad, any improvement will be a dramatic one. The offense sucked hard, too.

White has shin splints. He’ll play. Maybe not enough to develop.

I think the biggest factor determining success or failure is injuries during the season. A crappy team can look decent if they don’t have injuries, and a good team will shit the bed if they have injuries. Thus, I have two separate predictions for the Bears. If they stay healthy–particularly along the O-line and with Catler and Alshon–they can go 9-7 and sneak into a first-round playoff loss. If Forte, any of the linemen, or Alshon miss any significant time, or if Catler picks up feline leukemia from one of his unvaccinated kittens, 5-11 will look good.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, I have to tease you here for presenting the idea of a woman who has difficulty reaching orgasm and it means that God hates *you*.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I had more on that analogy, but I decided it was getting too weird and edited most of it out.

I remembered this is a place for dick jokes, not cunt jokes.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I can always edit the tagline.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

And, having *ahem* “known” multiply-orgasmic women in my life, I’ve thought about this a little. It makes one terribly lazy. You don’t have to try hard. Ditka could be a sex-coach and you’d still feel like a stud. And then, when you lose some of your HOF-caliber players (aka, get a less-orgasmic girlfriend), you start sucking gas and NOT dominating teams, because your coach sucks and it was really just the outstanding players your GM had drafted for several years running.

See? The analogy gets weird.

jjfozz

The first time I had sex with a woman that had multiple orgasms, I almost called a priest to inquire about an exorcism.

After that, I just learned to enjoy the ride.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, women can have orgasms???

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

If Rill Bomanowski was around, he’d just shrug.

Changlorious Basterd

Indeed they can, I learned this myself recently. Unfortunately only because I was spying on the couple next door while I tried to masturbate away the lonely

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Chris Conte would miss his own funeral, assuming that funeral somehow involved tackling.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Chris Conte already is a prime candidate for CTE. Unfortunately, he won’t be able to save himself from the debilitating cognitive decline. If, like Seau or Duerson, he tries to commit suicide by shooting himself, he’ll miss.

Changlorious Basterd
KidFlash
KidFlash

It figures that the Bear who got run over by Fred Jackson in the season opener was Conte.

KidFlash
KidFlash
Duchess

Watch Conte lead the Tampa in tackling this season… with 2 tackles

Changlorious Basterd

To be fair the Bucs do have Gerald McCoy and Lavonte David, who are actually quite good. But this being the Bucs they will probably contract the latest infectious disease to infest their facility and be confiscated by the CDC, never to be seen again.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

At least there’s an Ebola vaccine now. So Tampa has hope of dodging the next bullet.

ballsofsteelandfury

Well done guys! If your defense really can’t stop Reggie Bush, then 8-8 is a pipe-dream.

Cause Reggie Bush suuuuuuuuuuucks.

Cuntler

The are either going to suck balls (no offense) like last year or have a fluke 10-6 season where they lose in the first round to some division winner, like in 2001. The beat goes on…

http://classes.design.ucla.edu/Winter07/24/projects/huang/d/sisyphus-animated.gif

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

If only they had Mike Brown to save their asses in 2015.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

And I think that’s perhaps the most frustrating part of this team. They went 13-3 in 2001 (13-3!) yet somehow they didn’t feel like a good team. Only the 2006 version really felt good and the whole time it felt like something that just wouldn’t last.

packman_jon

Only the 2006 version really felt good
“Baby, they don’t call me the Sex Cannon for nothing!”

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Oh jeez, in 2001 we all knew they weren’t good. They were the Kardiac Komeback Kids, with two last-minute/OT interceptions returned for TDs. I mean, Jim Freakin’ Miller was the QB. Who was the number 1 reciever? Booker? Wait, no Robinson? I can’t even remember.

The 2001 Bears were mediocre, with a potentially awesome defense and Mike Brown being the most underrated player in recent Bears history (seriously, look at the games where he played vs. when he was injured… the defense was markedly better when he was on the field). Yet they were fun to watch, because somewhat like the Jordan-era Bulls, you knew they were never really, really out of a game. Something could always happen.

That’s the suckiest part of the Bears for the past 8 years or so: you know that if a team jumps out on them, these Bears are going to lose–and lose big. It used to be because the offense sucked. Now it’s because the defense can’t stop anyone worth shit, and so the offense has to score multiple times each possession to have a prayer (see the puntless Green Bay debacle).

And that’s what sucks about being a Bears fan: you hope and pray for the day when they feel like the Team of Destiny again. Because we’ve had a few tastes since 1985 (*ahem* Arizona in 2006), and we think that the Bears can capture that lightning in a bottle and sell it to us again.