Yep. 2019 was a year of upheaval and rebellion. Here’s some highlights, starting with the Colin Kaepernick workout.

The NFL threw Kaep a bone—well, actually, the bone was shot out of a bazooka aimed at his head. With zero anticipation, the league foisted the tryout for a midseason Saturday. From the NFL’s perspective, Kaep’s alternatives were:

-“Yes THNX”;

– “At a later date”, which suggests he’s not in football shape, forget it ingrate!; or,

-“No” (bwack, bwack bwack bwack).

The “Yes” entailed the NFL calling all the shots, including legal releases, transmission of the workout, etc. For an NFL contract to be offered, thus not making the whole thing a sham, you had to assume that teams were interested in Kaep and would evaluate the merits of his abilities. Those are very dreamy maybes to put over NFL team owners, a cabal famous for crapulence. In the end Kaep did it his way—which I liked. If the workout was about abilities, there’s actual proof of it now. Keep hiring worse QBs, bitches.

Kaep’s Pasing Stats, via profootballreference.com

While #AnyoneButKaep keeps on, Lamar! and the Ravens are the hottest ticket in the NFL. His game looks very familiar to Kaep’s, which should surprise nobody. In the 2017 offseason, BAL considered signing Kaep. Steve Bisciotti decided to poll the fans about it (“What a coward”, observed Pontius Pilate), and it didn’t happen. But! On 2017, the Ravens got to see the prototype and hired Kaep’s OC in San Fran (Greg Roman), and then drafted Lamar! in 2018. Never underestimate the Ravens’ guile and malevolence, is all. Dynamite team to watch, though.

The calendar says that Superb Owl LIII was played in February, which is important only because it marked the end of the 2018 season. The outcome is immaterial to 2019, which also describes the performance of many name free agents. After sitting out a year, the Jets signed Le’ Veon Bell to be their featured back. But the Jets also hired Adam Gase, who was intent on devouring Bell’s spirit like so many tacos:

Via YouTube

Eagles fans agonized over Nick Foles. But they soon got back to their personal problems (i.e., the Eagles injury report), after Minshew Mania took off in Jacksonville like jorts in Nepal.

Earl Thomas,

Via Sports Illustrated / Postimages.com

parlayed giving Pete Carrol the finger into a contract with the Ravens. It warms my heart when insubordination gets you a better gig. An even better story concerns Jalen Ramsey, who was not a free agent. In his third year, Ramsay signed a 4-year, $23million guaranteed contract in 2018. When the 2019 season started, Ramsay wanted out and played three games for JAX until dealt to RAMMITT. Going to a better team and sticking it to Coughlin is the happiest of endings.

See, the story was that Coughlin was unjustly fired a couple of weeks ago because he wanted to retire after the season. Nope!

“The conduct of Coughlin’s front office was reportedly so toxic that more than 25 percent of player grievances filed in the past two years have been against the Jaguars.” (Via yahoosports.com).

That’s from an NFLPA letter which imposed fined JAX $700,000, and closed with this delightful exhortation about Duuuuuuuuuval: “You as players may want to consider this, when you have a chance to select your next club”.

During the season, the ‘Dacteds fired Jay Gruden and Carolina, Ron Rivera. It was announced today that Riverboat Ron is now the DC head coach, under a 5-year contract. This feels like the North Korean film industry getting a boost after kidnapping a Japanese director.

In certain respects, the season played out swimmingly. The schadenfreude fairy visited an overhyped Browns squad that got me all riled up by Baker Mayfield’s whining and overexposure. Until Mayfield wins a Superb Bowl, this will be my permanent image of him:

Via postimages.com

The Pauls were easily the biggest disappointment of the season, a terrible and undisciplined team which peaked by defeating the Steelers in a TNF where Myles Garett hit Mason Rudolph with the QB’s own helmet. (Don’t say just desserts, don’t say just desserts…) Garrett got suspended indefinitely; hope it’s a Josh Gordon “indefinitely”, and Garrett is back on Week 1, 2020. But Freddie Kitchens, man: I’d give him a handshake and awkward back pat for his mercy firing. Freddie seems like a stand-up dude, but it’s safe to say he was over his head. Getting paid by Haslam, while having nothing to do with his shit show, sounds like an awesome vacay.

There were notable losses this year. Nick Bouniconti, Hall of Fame linebacker and philanthropist, passed away this year. We also lost Antonio Brown’s fantasy career, after a long battle with enabling and truth. He called Mike Mayock a “cr*ck*r” and somehow ended up with the Pats–which deserve ZERO “maybe it was a coincidence” considerations as an organization. Alas, the team cancer did not prosper in New England, but I did enjoy Brown calling out Bob Kraft for soliciting. Sadly, the tactic of shaming an employer into a gig, by crying the very hypocrisy!, has yet to succeed. I got a feeling that Brown’s third act is coming. After leaving a long trail of stiffed contractors and allegations of sexual misconduct, Brown should be groomed as a future Republican nominee for President.

The Pats got busted again for videotaping, this time the sideline of the worst team in the NFL: the Bengals. The investigation has been going on for a month, and you know NE fans are itching for a stiff penalty to get Brady mad. Meanwhile, right-thinking NFL fans got a treat when the Dolphins knocked the Pats to a #3 seed—NO BYE FOR YOU. Manners dissuade gloating at the expense of NE, but this might be the last time we get the opportunity.

No fucking way. 2020 better not suck like dat.

In local news, 2019 is the year I got divorced and quit my job to work for myself. Life changing stuff indeed; being yelled at has decreased by 17%. I submitted a piece on the “ordeals” to Navel Gazing Quarterly and, per their style manual, I ramped up the self-pity. Anyway, it was rejected—the nerve. Allegedly, the piece was “toxic in its grandiosity”, so I gave the editor a call and talked it out. We came to an agreement: we wanna kill each other and the other person needs professional help NOW.

Setting aside my vanity, I gotta say: my main beef with the Interwebz is that popularity makes monoliths out of taeks and memes that become unavoidable very quickly. Thus, millions of users parroting the same stuff gets basic–fast. More to the point: I’ve been fucking sick of Baby Yoda for a month.

Anyway, DFO is still the only website I read daily. IMHO, the smarts and hilarity make it distinct, plus the lack of any agenda beyond “Don’t be a dick”. I can also attest that there aren’t folks of better quality anywhere so intent on hitting a note-perfect paedo joke. You sick fucks make me laugh loudly, which warms the hole where my heart used to be.

Many blessings in the New Year, and fer Chrissakes: if you find a great meme, or wanna rag on Cowboys fans (Keep Garrett woooo!), share it. Don’t be a dick.

Banner pic via dailysquib.co.uk