Your “Who Is He Dares Enter These My Woods?” Monday Evening Open Thread

This past weekend I decided on one more quick trip out of town. Christmas with Mom had gone well, and WineWife wasn’t disappointed with my New Year’s plans. So when an offer showed up in my inbox from one of [DFO]’s inner circle, I leaped at the chance to meet a fellow malcontent.

To make up for how the meeting with Balls went.

I had never been invited to Scotchy’s cabin up at Silent Lake before. In fact, I hadn’t considered us close enough as colleagues to receive such summon. Sure, we’ve shared a few laughs – mostly at Seamus’ expense, like the time he fought with a squirrel – and spiritually bonded over the failures of our local NHL teams. But it seemed strange that he would invite me up in January; cabin season is such a short summer window in Canada that I figured it was the only time he had available outside the season.

At least I remembered to bring alcohol, like a good guest does. Like most residents of [DFO], I know he enjoys the bourble from time to time.

So I was smart and stopped off at the LCBO drive-thru on my way up.

His instructions seemed kind of vague. “Drive north out of Peterborough until you see the bones on the phone pole, then turn in.” I mean, who is going to bother with the effort of sorting bones to attach to phone poles? What if there were more than one set? How high up do I have to look? It seemed a sign would be so much more prudent. But what did I know? I don’t have to fill my days at a rural cabin on a northern lake. It then dawned on me: How high must I have been to agree to come here at this time of year?

I drove for an hour, expecting to find nothing, and wondering who I might find in this frozen swamp to ask for directions. But as I rounded a corner there they were,

as sure a sign as any that I was about to leave a very secure grid.

I wasn’t at all nervous driving down the snowy road.

As a fellow Canadian, I have experience driving the rural byways of this great land. Even living on the Best Coast, I’ve worked at enough local ski hills to know how to respect a snowy road. Still though, it didn’t seem like it had been driven in quite a long time. ‘He must really like having no one around,’ I pondered while bouncing around the rental truck’s cabin. Given the location and isolation, I hummed the theme to “The Littlest Hobo” as I made my way deeper into the woods.

It was twenty bumpy minutes before I pulled up out front. The cabin seemed peaceful enough –

that kind of modern rustic feel people aim for when living in the country. Nothing ostentatious, but a getaway place that provides essential basics without opulence. ‘I think the Unibomber’s still in jail,’ I chuckled nervously, wondering what type of person Scotchy normally summoned up here. Outside of The Maestro, I don’t think any of us at [DFO] have ever been honoured with l’invite du Scotchy.

I though myself safe; after all, he does most of his “work” in the city. ‘I’m the Beerguy – his confrère in previews. Surely he doesn’t bring it on vacation’, I thought to myself as I walked up to the front door.

Huh. I thought I’d told him I’d be here about now. The sun was beginning to set, and was casting a shimmering orange glow off the edge of the lake. ‘Well, no point sitting in the car listening to static,’ I thought to myself. ‘I guess I’ll just stretch my legs a bit.’ I got out to walk around, and that’s when I noticed the other sign,

the one made of “souvenirs” from “previous guests”.

The panic set in almost immediately. Everything began to spin. I was the fool!

What if, bereft of victims, he was beginning to hunt his own?

I fumbled in my pocket trying to remove the car keys, which fell to the ground as sweat began forming on my brow. The car – just steps away – now seemed miles off in the distance. I furtively dug into the powder, desperately trying to find the keys so I could open the door and try to isolate myself. Seconds seemed like hours. Alone in my fear, I never heard the crunching of footsteps in the hardening snow. All I felt was hot breath on my neck & cold steel on my throat, and a shiver went down my spine when I heard those words:

“Mondays are yours again.”


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Oilers at Leafs – 7:00PM | NBCSN
      • regional broadcast only in Canada, because GOD FUCKING FORBID the whole country watches.
    • Avs at Islanders – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Nuggets at Hawks – 7:30PM | TSN5
    • Bucks at Spurs – 8:30PM | Sportsnet1
    • Warriors at Kings – 10:00PM | TSN5 / NBATV
  • NCAA:
    • Football:
      • LendingTree Bowl: Louisiana (Lafayette) vs. Miami (Ohio) – 7:30PM | ESPN
    • Basketball:
      • West By-God Virginia at Oklahoma State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
  • Wrasslin’:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Join us, won’t you – there’s always room for more. Mike McCarthy can’t make it – he went off to Dallas instead.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Dunstan

I salute the Littlest Hobo reference. I watched way too much of that show.

Brocky

“Bizzare” opinion:

If everyone was tasked with making a list of the top 4 coolest ninja turtle characters, no self respecting fan could put donatello in the top 4.

You would need to have some order of Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, and Casey Jones.

With a possible cameo by splinter and or shredder, depending on which version of the show you’re watching

I have spoken

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[redacted]

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, this post needz moar Riga and Lambeau.
#doglivesmatter

theeWeeBabySeamus

WVU with a Pickem line looking like a good bet now, huh?

Col. Duke LaCross

And New Orleans gets semi-jobbed by the refs again. Wood Football version.

Go Jazz!

WCS

Less stupid A.A.Ron agent, and more Oscar Martinez commercials, State Farm.

WCS

Well, that first half set offensive basketball about 35 years in reverse, but, a nine-point lead at half feels like 25 at this point.

Unsurprised

Wow, he’s bad at this.

No Jamboroos to be had but here are my picks for the weekend. Please note all picks are final and ironclad:

Bills (+2.5) 13, Texans 10
Patriots (-5) 40, Titans 0
Saints (-7.5) 45, Vikings 24
Eagles (+1.5) 21, Seahawks 20

— Drew Magary (@drewmagary) January 3, 2020

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

SonOfSpam

Still a better predictor than David Brooks.

Unsurprised

A dead dog’s dick has more intelligence than David Brooks.

Unsurprised

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Game Time Decision

BGR and scotchy, if yall were in Peterborough, I’m less than an hour away. Would have been nice to put more faces with screen names.

litre_cola

He lives on Caribbean time so he will be late.

Unsurprised

I’d be okay with Beta Ray Bale
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Gratliff
Gratliff

Really hoping the browns and Jim Schwartz can come to terms

Unsurprised

No one wants Browns Schwartz

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

I mean, can you even GET BlueBunny iced cream in Texas??

Viva La Tabula Raza

Actually, I think I have seen it down at the HEB.

Edit: Yep, and they even deliver (and have done so several times since my foot surgery).

https://www.heb.com/search/?q=Blue%20Bunny%20Ice%20Cream

SonOfSpam

C’mon, man. It’s called a “synagogue” for fuck’s sake.

Viva La Tabula Raza

My former six-point squeeze shops regularly and unironically at the local HEB. She even thought this was funny when I played it for her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yDarQW7UZc

Unsurprised

Fuck it. Here’s some tits.
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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

You know what? QAnon and MAGAts are right. The Deep State, or in this case, the apex of the military and civilian national security apparatus that has spent the last three years counseling this fucking brain-damaged, deadbeat loser asshole are the dumbest, most worthlessly incompetent people on the fucking planet and they all need to be fired into the fucking sun.

And that’s the BEST-case scenario, because the likelihood is that they’re lying and their 40-year-old hate boner for Iran is so strong that they knew he would greenlight the hit when he was most vulnerable and damn the consequences because they’re not going to suffer them.
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King Hippo

why in the name of tittyfuck would anyone think he’d NOT do it??

Unsurprised

If it’s the latter, then they should be the only people we send into Iran.

Unsurprised

“You want this war? You fucking fight it.”

King Hippo

The thought of fucking Bolton and others of his ilk being parachuted into the desert made me smile quite satisfying, like.

WCS

That’s… that’s just fantastic. Limp-dicked assholes.

rockingdog

Found a funny:
i’m rubber and you’re glue. she’s tape. he’s a stapler. those guys are paper clips. all my friends are office supplies

Viva La Tabula Raza

When I cosplay office supplies, this is what I dress up as:comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Hmmm… That cabin isn’t gritty enough. Nor does it have enough stools sponsored by macro breweries. #riseandgrind #noselfies”

— JJ Watt

Got a buddy that lives down the road from JJ’s “log cabin,” he says it’s basically a Wisconsin version of a mansion. Anyone who has seen pics of it will no doubt agree wholeheartedly.

WCS

LET’S GOOOOOOOOO MOUNTAINEERS

King Hippo

Glad y’all have bounced back. El torneo is more fun with Huggy Bear (and the REI tent he wears) in it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like the idea that for a large part of history, people just grew grapes and got drunk all the time, and that was, like, all they did.

herodotus450

Loogit this guy and his fancy past tense, “was.”

SonOfSpam

To be fair, we now don’t “grow grapes” as much as “seal applesauce in a bag and leave it in the toilet tank for 3 months”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey! You lazy bums need to get to work on some Quotables.

/yes, that means me too.

Redshirt

“There once was a lady from Venus…”

Viva La Tabula Raza

It just dawned on me that for the first time since the 2010 playoffs, I’m not going to be all nerved up about whether the P*ts can get through the Divisional Round, the AFC Championship, or the SB. They’re done and I won’t be having to spend the rest of my January getting all nerved up about it; I can just sit back and enjoy the rest of the postseason without giving much of a fuck, a football fan instead of an NEP fan. Kinda relaxing to contemplate.
Well, except Go Texans. But that’s probably only for this coming weekend…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY VIVA LA TABULA RAZA I CALL HIM A BENGALS FAN BECAUSE HE HAS NO NEED TO BE NERVOUS ONCE THE WILD CARD ROUND IS OVER.

King Hippo

Being neutral-to-positive about all the remaining sides is a nice feeling. I mean, I hate Buttchinski, but my approval of TheShaun balances it out. Same in reverse with Coach Zim and Captain Dingleberry.

GO COMPETITIVE, WATCHABLE FITBAW

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

#TeamBeansie

herodotus450

But hold on! Leon, of the Draisatl clan, has 42 assists on the year. CRAZY WEIRD.

Redshirt

Based on their recent performances (especially the latter), at what point does Miami (OH) gets promoted to Miami and Miami gets relegated to Miami (FL)?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Probably when it makes a difference in the electoral college results.

King Hippo

Politics lately kind of makes me hate both states equally.

Redshirt

Dear Doctor Who producers,

You know it sad when its the Conservative that notices this and is uncomfortable with it but…

Spoiler

…maybe you shouldn’t have the Arab-looking guy who now plays the Master saying stuff like “killing is in my nature” and having him pal around with the Nazis. It just doesn’t look right.

SonOfSpam

That’s why we have to nuke Iran, soy boy.

Redshirt

You know it would’ve surprise me if that’s Trump legal reason.

“I was watching BBC America one night and I saw him messing with the Doctor Girl. I had to do something!!!”

herodotus450

If Trump could name more than two differences between Iran and Iraq, I’d go out and buy a handgun in conciliation.

Redshirt

Trump: “HA! Iraq and Iran is a difference of three letters! I WIN!!!”

Senor Weaselo

You kidding me? He’s part of the group that’s boycotting because The Doctor’s a woman.

Unsurprised

In an even half-assed world, the Browns hiring a bunch of Harvard quants would be proof once and for all that a Harvard education isn’t worth shit in terms of actual ability or knowledge.

SonOfSpam

THIS GUY can write an intro! Looking forward to the Transient Stew review.

herodotus450

In case anyone has their 12 dollars still, I’m giving you all first shot at my new Internet 3.1 hyperlocal gig-based DISRUPT Economy startup: we buy fruit from the grocery store, store it at my house until it gets to the perfect ripeness, then mark it up 200% and sell it to over worked culinarily challenged morans.

Redshirt

I’m sorry. All I have is a 1804 $10 coin.

herodotus450

Connor, of the McDavid Clan, has 43 assists already this season. WEIRD CRAZY.

King Hippo

Are the Ice Eskimos still liquid shit? I don’t notice teh hockey until around May

herodotus450

I guess they’re still middle of the pack right now, but they do have a guy named Bear, a guy named Nurse, and a guy named Gaetan Hass on their team.

scotchnaut

Absolutely Fucking Brilliant!*

*except for the part where no one died

King Hippo

every rose has its thorn smgdh

Gratliff

lol Mike McCarthy